Who should help with elderly dm ?

[Guesswhooo]

4 siblings. All due to inherit an equal share (in case that’s relevant)

elderly dm very frail. Multiple medical issues. Needs a lot of care , taking to appointments regularly (1-2 a week)

DC1 - lives 10 mins away, doesn’t work however is a carer for disabled ds (CP, epilepsy,LD and ASD)
DC2 -lives 45 mins away, part time work
DC3 - lives 2 hours away, very busy has a very stressful job with long hours
DC4 - lives abroad visits 2-3 a year

All of us drive in case that’s also relevant
Now, the huge issue here is that I was the only one of the 4 who was emotionally and physically abused throughout childhood as DM is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. My siblings kept quiet and didn’t get involved so as not to become another victim I think . I was hospitalised once due to the abuse - they know this. I’ve been NC for 5 years but get regular updates through siblings.

Im being instructed that I’m the nearest so need to go if DM has a fall and that we need to draw up a rota for her appointments. I’ve refused. They all know why I can’t . Apparently I need to drop it now and move on.

It’s been mentioned we are all due to inherit equally so they are saying DM has moved on (but from what hating her own child !!!)
AIBU to not help. I’m busy enough with my own life . If I wanted to make time I could but feel why should I

Sounds to me they're trying to protect their inheritance by sacrificing you. Again.

Tell them you'll take the reins and you'll find her the best, most expensive care home she can afford and they can visit her knowing she's well taken care of.

I think they'll back off.

do you actually see your mum still ? what has been your relationship with her in recent years? if you've had no relationship with her then no one would expect you to put yourself under extra stress to meet her needs just because its more convenient for your siblings.

My mother applied for attendance allowance to pay for a cleaner, she used to get hospital transport to take her to and from hospital appointments. She had an alarm bracelet which when pressed resulted in first responders, who either sorted her out at home or took her to hospital if necessary. So there doesn't need to be as much 'in person ' contact as your siblings are implying.

Right on the money . Your siblings are now taking over the abuse by trying to guilt you into doing the dirty work. You are their scapegoat too.

Sounds like your mother needs a care home. Tell your siblings they need to sort out a care home where their mother will be safe and cared for. You are not being remotely unreasonable after what you suffered at the hands of your mother. For your siblings to suggest that you should just "move on" shows just how selfish they are, expecting you to do all the grunt work to make their lives easier after everything you have been through. Stick to your guns Op and don't discount any inheritance if it means you could afford therapy or counselling, she owes that you that at least.

Definitely DON’T ask to be removed from the will, if there even is a will … if there’s no will, then the inheritance will be split between you 4 (assuming your mum is not currently married), if there is a will, there’s no saying who or what is in there unless you’ve actually seen it yourself. Wills can be changed anyway, so you may do all the caring for your mum then she may change her will last minute and cut you out 🤷🏻‍♀️ All inheritance may be eaten up by carers/care homes etc 🤷🏻‍♀️ So much can happen between now and when the time comes. Your mum may also have written a will to include you all equally as her way of putting things right (in her eyes) 🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s so many different possibilities here. But the one thing I wouldn’t do is deliberately cut yourself out.

As for your siblings, just because they live elsewhere doesn’t give them the right to abandon their mum and expect you to care for her.

All I would do is explain you’re all her dc, you’re all equally responsible for her. You all have reasons why you can’t care for her, albeit different reasons, that doesn’t make one more valid than another. An agreement should be made for your mum to be cared for/ferried/taxi’d by outside sources - it’s the only fair way 🤷🏻‍♀️

YANBU. I'd stay NC and make it clear that that is your position. If the others cared that much they'd either move closer or move your 'D'M closer to them. But they don't. It's not up to you to pick up the pieces from their life choices.

The pendant bracelet my relative had didn’t offer first responders - the alarm company would ring the 2 named family members on the agreement and they had to go and sort him out. IIRC if the 2 named members couldn’t be contacted, the alarm company would just ring police and ambulance. So while the scheme is a great idea, it may not work for OP/siblings/mum in this instance.

Its sounding to me like your siblings are picking up the slack and using you as a scapegoat. They might not even realize it.

Tell them your mother died years ago, and you are not able to help them care for theirs.

Don't give up your inheritance ( if there really is any they could be lying to use you) use that money If it exists for private therapy, and experiences and help with your own DC. Change that money from being a burden, to helping ease your own. Also don't do fuck all for them!

Hmm, I fail to see how DM "moving on" has any relevance whatsoever, she's not the injured party. Easy for your siblings to say move on they weren't the ones hurt. I don't see how it is fair that your siblings get to dictate what you do with your life even if the abuse hadn't happened. Also, what are the chances that even if you did take on the caring role that DM would disinherit you as a final FU? Don't do it. Your own wellbeing is far, far more important than anything else. If DM has money to leave she can use it for her care.

@Guesswhooo is the will payment for helping her? Then your siblings must also step up. Why should you forfeit your share - use it for therapy, regard it as reparations for the abuse, whether or not you remain nc.

I think I would tell the others that I will deal with it, and then I would deal with it by referring her to social services.
I would not be doing any care myself.

See how they like them apples🍎🍏

They have no power to instruct you and you have no obligation to comply.

Keep saying no. The minute you give in it will all get dumped on you.

These very siblings that knew you were being physically and emotionally abused when younger yet did nothing to help you are now insisting that you do the brunt of the caring for said abuser.

Tell your siblings your 'D'M needs to pay for her care.

Say nothing about the will - it's not a payment for care.

Stay well back and take care of your MH.

I wish you well and wish that you can move on from this. However, you do not under any circumstances have to be anything other than NC with your DM. You say that "It’s been mentioned we are all due to inherit equally" but you don't mention that you have proof of it being true so I'd ignore it as an attempt to blackmail you.

If you are able to talk about how things were (and I appreciate that you may not be), I'd just spell it out in plain English exactly what you went through to your siblings and then how it made you feel and how it has affected you over the years. They don't have any idea, so you could give them some. Spell it out in full. Let them know that their thinking that you should "drop it now and move on" shows them to be lacking in emotional intelligence, compassion and basic decency. You could also describe your average day as a full-time carer as they obviously think you have free time. Just keep telling them "no". They are appalling to ask you frankly. Sorry you have been put through this and you could always consider going lower contact with them if they keep going on about it.

Stand your ground, but be prepared to be written out of the will if she’s that abusive.

When it comes to how much, if any, support you give to other people, you need to learn to be very clear that you do so on your terms.

You should not be pressured or made to feel guilty by others. Nor should you need to justify why you make your choices.

The will and any money isn't important. Your siblings may see it as payment for the care they give, in hour case its money owing due to her treatment of you (just a way of reframing it if they keep pushing it as an issue).

You are under no obligation to take care of her, and if you are happy to let her change her will and leave you out of it then ignore that aspect.

Oh so that’s alright then that your mother has moved on!!! WTAF!!!! I went through 15 years of hell with my narcissistic mother.Then at 20 I met my husband . Who by the way has saved me from contemplating self harm. OP do not get involved with this, your MH has suffered as mine did. Other siblings are very good at offloading to the nearest sibling, and will tell you it’s your duty. ITS NOT!!! Refuse and block all your siblings and go NC. They didn’t help you when you were a child time for them to step up now. Take care of yourself.xxx

I don’t think anyone should help her. They certainly shouldn’t be putting pressure on you. Just say no and ignore anything else that’s said.

Why would you trust siblings that abandoned you to the wolf growing up, they are not self preserving they are selfish and have now taken the role your mother did by disregarding your emotional state and opinion.

I'd be telling them all to fuck off and not answer the phone to them for the foreseeable.

Look after yourself.

Oh and OP, with self serving siblings like that, I wouldn't believe a word from them.

They sound like the type that would have you do the caring and yet you would still find out you were disinherited.

Only the most selfish thicko's could have the cheek to announce that the Abuser has decided to move on🙄.

I'll bet she has🙄.

Stay NC.

Mind yourself.

Caring for someone who abused you would be very damaging to your mental health and I think people don't always get that if they haven't been abused themselves. If anyone deserves their quarter of the inheritance as compensation, its the one who was abused, so don't let them use that against you. It might be useful to pay for therapy which they might not need. Especially as a full time carer you may not be able to afford it otherwise.
It's often very convenient for siblings who weren't abused to want the one who was to bottle it up and brush it under the carpet. Not easy or healthy to do so when you are the victim.
I'm a strong believer in adults giving back to their parents. However that's not the best idea if the parent abused them!