Who should help with elderly dm ?

[Guesswhooo]

4 siblings. All due to inherit an equal share (in case that’s relevant)

elderly dm very frail. Multiple medical issues. Needs a lot of care , taking to appointments regularly (1-2 a week)

DC1 - lives 10 mins away, doesn’t work however is a carer for disabled ds (CP, epilepsy,LD and ASD)
DC2 -lives 45 mins away, part time work
DC3 - lives 2 hours away, very busy has a very stressful job with long hours
DC4 - lives abroad visits 2-3 a year

All of us drive in case that’s also relevant
Now, the huge issue here is that I was the only one of the 4 who was emotionally and physically abused throughout childhood as DM is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. My siblings kept quiet and didn’t get involved so as not to become another victim I think . I was hospitalised once due to the abuse - they know this. I’ve been NC for 5 years but get regular updates through siblings.

Im being instructed that I’m the nearest so need to go if DM has a fall and that we need to draw up a rota for her appointments. I’ve refused. They all know why I can’t . Apparently I need to drop it now and move on.

It’s been mentioned we are all due to inherit equally so they are saying DM has moved on (but from what hating her own child !!!)
AIBU to not help. I’m busy enough with my own life . If I wanted to make time I could but feel why should I

None have to. Suggest you refer to social services and tell them that none of her children are able to be involved on a regular basis. Transport can be arranged for hospital appts.

I'm not sure I can add anything helpful in terms of a solution, but really feel for you. As has been said, you are under no obligation, and you certainly don't owe it to her in exchange for whatever inheritance there might be. You need to do what's right for you.

One thing I would say is that I very much doubt she actually hates you, as you seem to believe, though I appreciate that's how you feel. It's much more likely that it's her 'stuff' that caused her to behave as she did towards you. That's not to excuse it, but it is possible that somewhere deep down she feels guilt/shame over the way she treated you. I suspect it's unlikely that she will ever acknowledge that and apologise, but I know with my Father, who had a similar impact on me, it was hard to let go of the hope that he might one day realise what a monumental mess he'd made of our family, and the possibility that he might one day apologise. I used to be so angry and say that I'd dance on his grave when he died, etc etc. After much therapy and letting go of my expectations of him being a 'proper' "Dad", and gaining a bit of insight into his own childhood, I was able to view him as the very sad damaged human that he surely was. Letting go of that negativity, and taking back the power I'd allowed him to hold over me for far too long, was such a relief. If we bumped into each other we were civil, it was like seeing an old neighbour. I was pleased to see him/catch up, but walked away and went on with my life. When the time came, his partner let me know, I visited him in the hospice, and attended his funeral, knowing that he was a defective human being but not all bad. I never got an apology, but I got a more satisfactory ending than I ever thought possible.

My Mother now has Alzheimer's and two of my siblings and I manage things between us. The family are pretty much all NC with a fourth sibling who has caused many family upsets over the years, but I'm pretty sure she'll get one last swipe in before waltzing off with her 'share' of the estate, and that will raise certain challenges too.

You have to take care of you, and set your boundaries now, while at the same time not doing anything that might leave you with regrets that it's too late to change. I wish you the strength to do whatever you feel the need to do.

Tell siblings that inheritance is DM’s way of making up for it - so then you are quits (you are not, obviously- the abuse can never be made up).
and just leave them to it.

They are using it as if it is by saying DM has moved on and almost like I’m meant to be grateful

Remind them that it is not the abuser but the abused who gets to decide when and if the abuse can be overlooked. Sticky record on repeat "I'm sorry but I can't do that" - don't even give a reason why.

I suspect the other have their “eyes on the prize” so to speak, and think you can be the unpaid worker to protect it all.

I’m just quoting a PP because I think this is pertinent. They want you to step in so your mother doesn’t have to spend her money on carers or a care home as well as ensuring they don’t have to inconvenience themselves.

Your mother’s influence on them is strong and the family is still scapegoating you.

Be firm and strong, and free. No inheritance is worth losing that.

The other 3 DCs can move closer if they like

This is not on you OP

Just say no, not helping. They know the reasons why.

Your siblings are pressurising you to help themselves out. Are they putting pressure on the one who lives abroad to move back, doubtful. They see you as the one they can scapegoat into doing the donkey work. Obviously for you this is inappropriate, and for your emotional stability you need to refuse. If there are things you could do, without contact with your mother - collecting prescriptions, doing online shopping - then you may feel able to do that to help your siblings out. Don't get gaslight into doing something you really can't do..

This

Unless you want to get properly involved, don't get involved at all.

Forget the inheritance and use her money to buy in care.
Carers, cleaners, taxis, hospital transport, gardeners, local handymen, pharmacy delivery etc etc. Surely this is her preference anyway at the end of her life to leave you free of the burden in the prime of yours??

I don't think it is a question of who ''should'' help.

No one is under any obligation to take on this responsibility.

If someone is willing and able to combine caring with other responsibilities, fine.

If all relatives feel that they are unable or unwilling to support an ageing parent., fine too.

You just need to make it clear to social services/healthcare professionals that she will require daily carers or to move into a home.

I am no contact with my toxic mother and want nothing whatsoever to do with her or her care. No interest either in an inheritance. My freedom, mental health and peace of mind are priceless. I simply assume any money she has will go into her care home fees.

I so agree with this.

They were raised with you as scapegoat and they continue to see you thus.

They too think they can bully and coerce you into this to suit only themselves.

They care not a whit for your well being but are intent on doing what suits them completely.

You are no longer the family scapegoat.

Do not get involved in ANY way.

Even the slightest involvement will open a dialogue for you being the point woman in this situation.

There will be no half way measure.

My dear friends husband is in the exact same position as you and whilst he was sucked in for a while, his mental health has suffered hugely.

His brothers also told him that as he was closest he had no choice.

He has blocked their numbers and told the authorities not to contact him as he will no longer involved.

Such a lovely kind man but his insistence at doing what he thought was "the right thing" nearly had to cost him his 35 year marriage as my friend told him she had had enough of his awful father and the impact he has had on their family.

It's only a few months but he is getting to a much better place slowly and he is glad that his wife said enough.

He only regret is she didn't say it sooner.

Do not engage in any way or I can guarantee you will bitterly regret it.

Your son needs you well.

Do NOT get involved with this in your son's best interests.

OP, you could be inheriting 100% or0% you do what you want to.

The fact that your parent abused you isn’t something others can tell you to move on from. You can’t/won’t support her and that is fine. What your siblings choose to do is down to them.

I’d tell them all once more that you are not offering any support so they need to factor you out of the equation for her care. This is a conversation you won’t be having again so you have confirmed your position and that’s it. Don’t feel guilt or responsibility. Your siblings choices are theirs alone.

You tell your siblings you are not getting involved due to past abuse, the rest is totally up to them. You inherit or you don’t, that is up to the person drawing up the will. Please do not be bullied into feeling you have a responsibility, your siblings are just trying to make their lives own easier. Personally I would send one last message and block the lot of them.

Do nothing, except maybe contact Social Services. Then disengage from your mother and your siblings. None of this is your problem or your responsibility.

Forget about the inheritance and get on with your life. Your DSlings can’t force you to help and money at any cost is not worth it.

When you address your siblings keep using the words abuse and ask the difficult questions. Ask them if they are ok with child abuse, abusing a child that they needed hospitalisation? Do any of them have children? Ask them if they will get over someone doing that to their children- but spell out the abuse and use their kids names. Shame them , because they should be ashamed.

No, you don’t have to do any of it. Tell your siblings and your mother they can sort it out between them. Your siblings need to arrange care for you mum whether this is in her own home or she moves to a care home, the second would be more practical. It that means she has spent all her money, so be it. If they decide to try and keep as much of the inheritance as possible by doing it themselves or on the cheap, then they can choose to do so. You’re not getting involved.

Can you say to them that you absolutely will not have contact with her, but you will do your share of "admin" behind the scenes? You can arrange a carer that you are comfortable liaising with, for example, to attend appointments if possible. If she falls, I don't think it is practical to drop everything and leave a disabled child for an indefinite time anyway, as ambulances could take a long time, so you need a system of alarms etc for her. Hold firm.

The Op absolutely shouldn’t become the PA for her abusive mother.

Her siblings can either do it or outsource it.

Accepting any type of involvement will be them getting their way to involve you.

They will simply take it as you being point woman and you will get every call that they simply have zero interest in being involved with.

The only position is absolutely NO involvement whatsoever.

Anything else is a road to upset and distress for you.

This is your super power. You can swerve this care thing that your enabler siblings are trying to blackmail you into and say that because of the abuse you suffered at her hands, you're NC and therefore won't be available to help. You're keeping this abuse and mistreatment to yourself for now, but would not be able to do so if you are (a) dragged into this or (b) treated unfairly by her/them on her death.

Public image is everything for narcs. understand and embrace this and you will see how they wither when you threaten the illusion of their image.

Tell your siblings that you are not able to help your M and they will need to make the provisions themselves, that Social Services are there to help and that you will leave them all to it.

I'll do the same with my 'd'm when and if the time comes, she's on her own... for way less than what you have suffered. My sister can sort it. seeing as DM was always there for her, SHE can repay what she got from DM. I'll repay what I got. the precise amount of NOTHING

Remember that even if you bend over backwards there is no guarantee you'll get an inheritance - it could be swallowed up in care fees further down the line, she could decide that you're not doing a good job and remove you from the will. IF she does the latter you probably won't find out until it's too late and she's died, in which case you'll have wasted countless hours caring for her.

Situations like this are a relatively simple decision in concept, if not in practice. You need to weigh up the amount of money you expect to get in the end versus the risk you won't get it and the toll on your own mental health in the meantime. Like anything in life it's risk v reward, weigh up the risk and decide it the potential (but uncertain) reward is worth it.

That's all your siblings are doing - they've worked out that if they can pressure you into doing all the work they will be better off. For them, the risk v reward equation is pretty simple because the worst that can happen is they'll get fuck all for having done fuck all.

you know in your heart that you don't need to do anything OP.
Say no, keep saying no and if pushed

I think they were scared , probably thinking all the time would they be next if they didn’t do as she asked or if they defended me so I can really understand what it must have been like for them

ask them what in this scenario makes them think YOU should be picking up their slack?

Just keep saying "no - she needs to go into care" like a broken record. And then at some point just tell them to stop talking to you about it, you don't care what they decide but you are out.

Remind them what you went through, that they allowed, and then just don't give a damn what happens about it.