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Original poster

My mum wants to come on holiday with us

384 replies

Supermummy88 · 29/03/2023 10:03

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

OP posts:
MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 12:44

Snugglemonkey · 29/03/2023 12:39

If her mother has not invited herself, there is no need to say no.

Show quote history
Confused

her mother may have said 'what do you think about me coming on holidays with you James and the kids this year?'

That's not inviting herself along. That's called asking a question.

I don't think the mother should go with them, and the OP should just tell her straight. But I get so bored of people making stuff up that isn't even in the OP. For extra drama.

OKFinally · 29/03/2023 12:47

When we could finally afford sun holidays again, we booked a villa my mother had found originally, she presumed that she was coming, she presumed she was getting the master bedroom, I took a deep breath and a slurp of wine(on the phone) and said sorry R is six and has never had a holiday with just us, so we won’t be inviting anyone to join us, in the end my brother booked the following two weeks and we overlapped by a day or so. We all wanted a beach and pool holiday and nights on the balcony when the kids were in bed, she was envisioning day trips to Malaga, Ronda, Barcelona. My brother held firm as well and we then had a nice routine established for a few years. She complained bitterly to my sister who said the following…

New York - No teens
Crete - No teens
Rhodes - No teens
Paris - No teens

Mother you smell of burning hypocrite with a side order of burning martyr.

She had the good grace to look embarrassed, laugh uncomfortably and never mention it again.

You are married to your DH and your mother is not short of a trip or two or four, so the answer is no, no, and thrice again no.

smizing · 29/03/2023 12:47

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 12:44

Confused

her mother may have said 'what do you think about me coming on holidays with you James and the kids this year?'

That's not inviting herself along. That's called asking a question.

I don't think the mother should go with them, and the OP should just tell her straight. But I get so bored of people making stuff up that isn't even in the OP. For extra drama.

Show quote history

Errrr No. That's what you call inviting yourself!

toomuchlaundry · 29/03/2023 12:47

We've done holidays with parents before, but the agreement has always been that it shouldn't be the only holiday in the year, and both DH and I should be happy with the choice of holiday including a parent. If one of us isn't happy about it, then they don't come with us.

WimbyAce · 29/03/2023 12:48

I would say no, is nice to have just family time sometimes. Find it bizarre when people always have to have someone else tagging along.

WimbyAce · 29/03/2023 12:49

Mine are actually coming with us this year but was actually my other half's suggestion. I would never have invited them if he was uncomfortable with it.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 12:52

smizing · 29/03/2023 12:47

Errrr No. That's what you call inviting yourself!

Show quote history

No.

Inviting yourself along doesn't involve consultation. It would be along the lines of 'great news, I've booked myself on the same holiday as you and will be staying in your villa. Isn't that great?'

HTH.

BelindaMelinda · 29/03/2023 12:52

Sorry mum, we don't get much time away with just the 4 of us so we just want to keep our main holiday for us. Maybe we could...[insert details of weekend away with her/overnight somewhere/whatever]

Having extended family members there changes the whole dynamic. I like my MIL but I'd be horrified at the thought of her coming on our main 2 week family holiday with us. I want to spend 2 weeks with DH and the dc doing things we want. I don't want to have to take the preferences of another adult into account while we're away.

smizing · 29/03/2023 12:54

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 12:52

No.

Inviting yourself along doesn't involve consultation. It would be along the lines of 'great news, I've booked myself on the same holiday as you and will be staying in your villa. Isn't that great?'

HTH.

Show quote history

You see it as asking a question. I see it as inviting yourself along, albeit slyly.
She absolutely knew what she was doing.

WimpoleHat · 29/03/2023 12:58

Your DH hasn’t put you in an awkward situation, your DM has by inviting herself along.

Absolutely this. Would you be pleased if he’d invited your MIL on your holiday? It’s a very, very different dynamic.

Wiseflower · 29/03/2023 13:00

I agree with you, if your husband is not happy, let him have proper holiday break where he deserves a relaxing holiday.
There might be a reason why she is asking if she goes on other holidays.. Perhaps she will help with holiday costs? Is she alone? Has she got new health problems? Who does she go on holiday with?

You could come to an agreement - she join you 1 week out of 2 week holiday and pay for the costs?
Depending on type of holiday - if you were together in one villa/accommodation, it will be stressful, I'm sure. Otherwise, she could help with babysitting, so you can go out with hubby?

feelinglikeanewparent · 29/03/2023 13:02

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

No, your mother has put you in a difficult situation.

Buck the fuck up and tell her no. Your husband is right on this one.

ThinkingOfAWittyUsername · 29/03/2023 13:02

To be honest, you're not in a difficult situation here really.
You need to tell your Mum that for this holiday, whilst it would be lovely to have her there, it's an opportunity to spend time together with your husband and family. Let her know that you'll take lots of photos and bring her back a pressie but this time, it's just your family.

TheNoodlesIncident · 29/03/2023 13:05

It's like getting a dog or other pet: everyone has to be on board, not just one spouse.

Your mum can invite you, DH and dc on one of her holidays if she likes. She doesn't get to impose on your DH's one and only summer holiday because he doesn't want that, and fair enough.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 13:06

ThinkingOfAWittyUsername · 29/03/2023 13:02

To be honest, you're not in a difficult situation here really.
You need to tell your Mum that for this holiday, whilst it would be lovely to have her there, it's an opportunity to spend time together with your husband and family. Let her know that you'll take lots of photos and bring her back a pressie but this time, it's just your family.

Exactly. I don't see the difficulty. She goes on 4 holidays a year as it is. She'll be a-okay.

Wiseflower · 29/03/2023 13:07

Your mother has asked and hope she is not putting pressure on you and your family. But, there is no harm letting her go one year to try it out. Just ask her why?
I took my mum on holiday and and luckily hubby didnt mind and this really matters. Sadly, she died 2 years later but I treasure those memories and so glad we went on holiday together.
(I have more arguments with siblings than I did with my mother)

Snugglemonkey · 29/03/2023 13:08

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 12:44

Confused

her mother may have said 'what do you think about me coming on holidays with you James and the kids this year?'

That's not inviting herself along. That's called asking a question.

I don't think the mother should go with them, and the OP should just tell her straight. But I get so bored of people making stuff up that isn't even in the OP. For extra drama.

Show quote history

That is inviting herself along! It is a rude question.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 13:11

Snugglemonkey · 29/03/2023 13:08

That is inviting herself along! It is a rude question.

Show quote history

why is it a rude question?

surely that depends on the type of relationship you have with your mother. maybe you have a shitty one.

Wiseflower · 29/03/2023 13:11

There is no harm in asking her daughter (husband has to understand this)
But I must say your mother is brave for asking! It would spoil her holiday too, if she had so much confrontation from your husband.

Inkpotlover · 29/03/2023 13:11

God no. Why should her feelings trump your DH's?

Thoughtful2355 · 29/03/2023 13:12

Just simply say you were both hoping for a couples holiday and to just spend time with eachother but maybe next time

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/03/2023 13:13

As a parent (and one child is now an adult with a life of her own), I wouldn't dream of asking my children if I could go on holiday with them. It's such an imposition. Whichever way it's worded, she's still asked. It would be a no from me and really you have to say "Mum, we need some time away as a family". She would completely unreasonable if she didnt understand that.

diddl · 29/03/2023 13:14

Has she ever asked before?

If not what's different this year-the actual holiday?

Does she ever invite you to go with her?

Cherrysherbet · 29/03/2023 13:14

You need to tell your mum no.

Your husband is right.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 29/03/2023 13:14

It depends on your relationship. Would she hang about with you all the time? Is there a compromise? We often holiday with my parents but we’re all really close and it’s usually DH who invites them as my Mum likes him more than me 😂

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