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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to come on holiday with us

384 replies

Supermummy88 · 29/03/2023 10:03

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

OP posts:
silverbubbles · 29/03/2023 12:13

Suggest to your mum that you and the kids join her on one of her other holidays.
You sound like you are being rather weak about his and that your mum wears the trousers.....

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 12:14

Snugglemonkey · 29/03/2023 11:52

He has not put you in any situation, your mother has and it was wrong of her to do so. She should not have invited herself, you should not have to say no and you most definitely do not have to feel bad about her not pushing into your family holiday.

classic example of poster making up their own extra details. The OP hasn't said her mother has 'invited herself along'. She said her mother would really like to go. There's a difference.

Samsungwasher · 29/03/2023 12:16

You're the one causing a difficult situation really, by even entertaining this when your husband doesn't want it. He's right. One holiday planned with the family and that's what he's looking forward to. Tell your Mum she's being very unfair to keep pushing and needs to respect that you and your husband have decided that this will be a holiday just for your family. Do not blame this on him in any way.

billy1966 · 29/03/2023 12:16

Yes, tell her asap that it isn't happening.

If you have said yes already, then that is on you.

If my husband said yes to this and tried to over ride my objections, I wouldn't be going and I would be very very upset.

Unfortunately in my experience, from friends, when this has occurred, the holiday becomes about looking after the needs and comfort of the grand parent and changes the dynamic completely.

Absolutely fine if it is one of multiple holidays a year, but if there is only one holiday annually, then insisting it is family unit only, is not unreasonable.

My friends mum would often book a nearby apartment with her sister when they went on holiday, and THAT worked very well.

The separate living accommodation was key, as was the fact that while they met up, they were not in each others pockets for the holiday.

Samsungwasher · 29/03/2023 12:17

Samsungwasher · 29/03/2023 12:16

You're the one causing a difficult situation really, by even entertaining this when your husband doesn't want it. He's right. One holiday planned with the family and that's what he's looking forward to. Tell your Mum she's being very unfair to keep pushing and needs to respect that you and your husband have decided that this will be a holiday just for your family. Do not blame this on him in any way.

Actually, there's nothing about her pushing you in your post. Apologies for taking something another poster has imagined. She asked, you say not this time, we want it to just be us and the kids this time.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 12:17

But your mother is extremely selfish to want to crash your only family holiday of the year, especially when she has other holidays. Even worse that she doesn’t accept a no with good grace.

How do we know she's even been told no let alone hasn't accepted no with good grace??

mumto2teenagers · 29/03/2023 12:18

Could you go on family holiday without your Mum and then maybe arrange a weekend away where she also joins you.

elizzza · 29/03/2023 12:18

What do YOU want OP? There’s a lot here about your husband and mum’s feelings but if you took the desire to please both of them out of he equation, would you rather have your mum along or not?

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 29/03/2023 12:19

s your mum said why she wants to go on holiday with you @Supermummy88 ?

LaughingSomnambulist · 29/03/2023 12:21

elizzza · 29/03/2023 12:18

What do YOU want OP? There’s a lot here about your husband and mum’s feelings but if you took the desire to please both of them out of he equation, would you rather have your mum along or not?

It doesn’t matter.
if she wants to go on holiday with her mum then she can go on holiday with her mum; there are 4 holidays a year to choose from.

She doesn’t get to just bring her mum along on a family holiday with people who do not want her there.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 29/03/2023 12:22

My husband asked me if we could invite his parents on our first holiday in 3 years.

I said it was fine if we went on another holiday a month later and invited my parents, and then another where it was just us.

He never asked again!

bluebonnets · 29/03/2023 12:24

Who does your mum usually go on holiday with? If she has plenty of friends and other family to go with then that's one thing - but if she normally goes on her own and this is one chance to go with family then that's a bit different. I am recently divorced and one of the worst things is not knowing if I'll have anyone to go on holiday with once my kids have left home.

Jamieleecurtain · 29/03/2023 12:25

‘Sorry mum, DH wants it to be just us this time’ (and if she kicks off then say that this is exactly why DH doesn’t want her there)

orrrr if your kids are small could DH be persuaded by the promise of a babysitter so you and him can have some date nights? This might also be a way of dissuading your mum ‘oh great, yes come along. DH and I would love to have a few nights out without the kids’

FictionalCharacter · 29/03/2023 12:28

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 12:17

But your mother is extremely selfish to want to crash your only family holiday of the year, especially when she has other holidays. Even worse that she doesn’t accept a no with good grace.

How do we know she's even been told no let alone hasn't accepted no with good grace??

I misread, thought the OP said the DM was unhappy about being told no, but she was saying the DH was unhappy with the idea.

Londongal123 · 29/03/2023 12:28

Honestly, your mum isn't being reasonable. I would never ask to go on holiday with my kids' families. Family time is precious. Sorry your mum has put you int his situation. It sucks being in the middle.

Bintymcbintface · 29/03/2023 12:33

Jamieleecurtain · 29/03/2023 12:25

‘Sorry mum, DH wants it to be just us this time’ (and if she kicks off then say that this is exactly why DH doesn’t want her there)

orrrr if your kids are small could DH be persuaded by the promise of a babysitter so you and him can have some date nights? This might also be a way of dissuading your mum ‘oh great, yes come along. DH and I would love to have a few nights out without the kids’

Babysitting, called it. No DH doesn't need to be persuaded to allow mum to come along, it's his one holiday a year and he doesn't want to spend it with MIL.

Secondly, it's a bit shitty to say oh sure you can come you can be the help

Spyrothedragon23 · 29/03/2023 12:34

If you go away for 1-2 weeks could you say to your DM she is welcome for a weekend but not the whole thing?

AncientQuercus · 29/03/2023 12:37

We started taking my DM on holiday once DF died. It worked well for the first 4 or 5 years. Then she started wanting to be in charge but looking to us to sort out when things went wrong. Moaning about food. Complaining that I bought an ice cream when there were plenty of yogurts in the fridge! Expecting me to sit by the pool because that's what she likes (and I hate). Not giving us a second alone.

Like yours this was our ONE holiday a year while she had 3 or 4.

After yet another trip was spoiled by her being difficult we swore never again. She gets really annoyed and offended if we go off abroad without her but it is just too stressful.

Boringcookingquestion · 29/03/2023 12:37

I don’t think it’s fair for you to unilaterally decide that your mum can come this year. Why do you care more about upsetting your mum than him?

Really you should be looking for a compromise together. Maybe invite your mum for a weekend away or plan another holiday when your husband has more free time?

Snorlaxing · 29/03/2023 12:37

Your h is right. Prioritise him as this is the single holiday of the year.
Interesting that you'd consider going with mum this year and him next rather than the other way round... 🤔 It is your mum who has made things awkward and should step aside. Maybe you and the kids can do something with her during the school holidays instead?

cstaff · 29/03/2023 12:37

Jamieleecurtain · 29/03/2023 12:25

‘Sorry mum, DH wants it to be just us this time’ (and if she kicks off then say that this is exactly why DH doesn’t want her there)

orrrr if your kids are small could DH be persuaded by the promise of a babysitter so you and him can have some date nights? This might also be a way of dissuading your mum ‘oh great, yes come along. DH and I would love to have a few nights out without the kids’

But that would be putting all the blame on DH and that would not be fair. They need to make this decision as a couple and not place blame on one or the other. That will only cause problems in the future.

OhSnakesandBastards · 29/03/2023 12:38

Tell your mum she cant come - its your family holiday. End of.

Snugglemonkey · 29/03/2023 12:39

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 29/03/2023 12:14

classic example of poster making up their own extra details. The OP hasn't said her mother has 'invited herself along'. She said her mother would really like to go. There's a difference.

Show quote history

If her mother has not invited herself, there is no need to say no.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 29/03/2023 12:40

In your husbands shoes, I'd let you and your mum go with the kids.
I'd stay at home and relax.

WildFlowerBees · 29/03/2023 12:42

Over and over I see this, people putting everyone but their partners first. 'Sorry mum but this year it's just dh and the kids. Fancy a weekend away or something next year?'