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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to come on holiday with us

384 replies

Supermummy88 · 29/03/2023 10:03

Hey everyone,

I just need some advice. My husband wants to go on a beach holiday this year with me and the kids. We have one holiday every year and he hasn’t had any time off for a while. However, my mum really wants to come with us. My mum travels and goes on holidays about 4 times a year. My husband wants it to be just us, as he wants to just chill out and feels it won’t be the same if my mum comes. I don’t really know what to say to her because I feel really bad saying no and that we just want to go as a family. My husband said that considering she goes away 4 times a year and we only go once it’s not fair that we don’t get that time together as a family.

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Any suggestions?

Thank you x

OP posts:
ArdeteiMasazxu · 29/03/2023 14:03

I agree with your DH. When family holidays are no more than once a year, sometimes less, then it's totally unfair for your mum to gatecrash.

my MIL wants a holiday with us. she's not gatecrashing our main family holiday, she's paying for us all to have an extra holiday together. yes of course she could have 2 or 3 holidays alone for the same money but that's her choice.

you have to say no to your mum for the main family holiday, and find a different way to spend some fun time together that fits with the budget that you and she have available.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 29/03/2023 14:05

And next year when she wants to come again?

Its your husband's holiday too. I couldnt think of anything worse than spending it with either set of parents.

Antiquiteas · 29/03/2023 14:07

Pearlygates · 29/03/2023 13:51

Well, people can only reply based on what's in the original post. Many of us don't go searching for the OP's previous posts tbh.

Show quote history

I know. I recognised the name and searched. My post was directed at the (never-returns) OP, not other posters.

wingingit1987 · 29/03/2023 14:08

My family would love a trip with me and the kids but I know my husband would hate it so we have never done it. Offer to do a short, weekend UK break even with yourself, your mum and the kids? Surplus to your big holiday.

Justalittlebitduckling · 29/03/2023 14:16

You need to put up some boundaries around your nuclear family. it’s not unreasonable to go on holiday just as your direct family unit. And if you feel unable to say no to your mum about something like this, then you need to do a bit of thinking about your relationship with her as an adult.

JudgeRudy · 29/03/2023 14:16

You are being incredibly selfish. Your husband has not put you in a difficult situation, your mum has. You've made it even worse now by refusing to tell your mum no, she's not coming. What do you think she'll do? It's a perfectly reasonable answer. In your mums position I'd say, yeah that's fine, I understand but you know me, always up for a holiday...if I was in your position I'd slip into the conversation 'yeah had a chat with OH and decided we're gonna stick with just us 4..are you still planning on Turkey in October?
If that can't be a drama free conversation there's something not quite right with you or your mum...

SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2023 14:18

Why do you only go once? I don't mean that snootily, we only go once cos of money. I just mean, is it just money or AL, choice etc.

Could you do a long weekend somewhere with kids minus DH with Mom?

But yes, tell Mom you and DH are looking forward to time to just yourselves, or point out to DH the joys of built in childcare.

IncompleteSenten · 29/03/2023 14:18

You are being hugely unreasonable.

Nimrode · 29/03/2023 14:20

Your DH is not the one putting you in an awkward position, it's your mother that has put you both in this awkward situation where she is expecting to go on holiday with her adult daughter and her husband. You clearly cannot face your mother to tell her, 'No', so it's much more easier to force your husband to put up and shut up and blame it all on him.

Coyoacan · 29/03/2023 14:22

Leave your mum at home. Fortunately she gets lots of holidadys over the year. And I say that an elderly granny.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2023 14:22

But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Your mother started this but you are the one who's caused the problem. All you had to do was shut her down immediately.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 29/03/2023 14:23

Leave your mum at home, her wants do not trump what your husband wants/needs. It is his only holiday but even if it wasn’t you shouldn’t impose your mum on him.

rogueone · 29/03/2023 14:25

Your DH hasn't put you in a difficult position. You should have said to your mum that you would need to discuss with your DH before agreeing to having a joint holiday. You seem more concerned about upsetting your mum than your DH.

I wouldn't be happy if my DH tried to persuade me to have a holiday with his parents as he didn't want to say no to them.

If your mum is a reasonable human she surely would understand your DH wanting a holiday without her.

kikisparks · 29/03/2023 14:26

Are you a people pleaser who doesn’t like conflict? If so it’s that that has put you in a difficult position, not your DH. And I say that as someone who is also a people pleaser and have been very unreasonable with my DH in the past just to appease my mum. Ultimately, you need to put your husband’s feelings first. “Sorry mum but we’re wanting time just as a couple with the kids”. Maybe she can take you and the kids on one of her other 4 holidays!

mybeautifuloak · 29/03/2023 14:31

Ffs prioritise you dh for once. Why are you expecting him to compromise his one holiday to make your mum happy?

SupplyIsLimited · 29/03/2023 14:36

I'd be angry if my DH made a unilateral decision about our single shared holiday for the year. That should be a joint decision, and he understandably wants time alone with just his wife and children.

You should prioritise your husband here, unless there's some dripfeed about how he's awful and the relationship is doomed. You can do something else with your mother to soften the blow and give her fun time with the grandkids. If not a full holiday, at least something local that everyone can enjoy together..

Scotty12 · 29/03/2023 14:48

100% agree with your husband. Why should he have to spend his one big holiday with his mother in law? Tell her no. Perhaps offer to go away just you and her for a weekend some other time….

WalkingOnTheCracks · 29/03/2023 15:00

I’m thinking we will go with her this year and then next year we can go as a family just me husband and the kids. But he’s still not happy about it and has now put me in a difficult situation!

Why don't you go without her this year and next year maybe she can come?

user1496146479 · 29/03/2023 15:06

Team DH here too!!

PollyPut · 29/03/2023 15:10

Difficult situation. Can your mum plan a second holiday and invite you, the children and DH along? DH might decline - that's his choice.

BungleandGeorge · 29/03/2023 15:10

Do you want your mum to go? Is she the type who would give you some space and maybe babysit so you can have some time together? I don’t think your husband automatically has the right to decide your plans! It should be a decision between you and will depend a lot on the personality of your mum

Strawberrydelight78 · 29/03/2023 15:10

See if you can get a cheap caravan holiday for a few days with your mum. Just say you want to be able to relax.

ExpatInSlavikLand · 29/03/2023 15:24

Would you be OK with your MIL butting into your family holiday?

Be honest.

Coppergate3 · 29/03/2023 15:29

Your DM has put you in this awkward situation in two ways - one asking when not invited and making your feel that you cannot say no to her without upset/it feeling awkward.

Your DH is being perfectly reasonable in not wanting to share his one holiday a year with someone outside his immediate family. He has said no and therefore you have no choice but to break the news to your mum.

If this creates drama and upset then you've definitely got a DM issue.

Asummersday · 29/03/2023 15:39

Yabvu