Page 9 | To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

JollieJullie · 2023-03-29T06:42:42+00:00

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest. However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile. 3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS! More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day. What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

Original poster

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 14:16

@Nowhereelsetogo90 well it does make a difference to me tbh. 10 years older is my cut off, but my preference would be around 5-8 years older. A 38-41 years old man is more likely to be ready for a serious relationship than a 30 years old one (in my experience anyway).

I am still on the fence about having kids (could see it going either way so I don't want to close any door) but if I was to have kids I'd definitely not want to do it with a man who is going to be 50 by the time said kid will be born

OP posts:

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 14:16

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 29/03/2023 14:08

Yeah he’s definitely too old to be doing that hence why I said it would make me run! I just think the OPs comment about 44 v 47 is also a bit odd as surely in practice there is little difference.

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It’s the difference of being within her 10 year dating age range and being outside it. Which is quite a lot of difference. Even at 44, he was pushing at its very limits.

While you might not care about age, most people aren’t okay with a 13 year age gap.

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 14:17

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 14:16

@Nowhereelsetogo90 well it does make a difference to me tbh. 10 years older is my cut off, but my preference would be around 5-8 years older. A 38-41 years old man is more likely to be ready for a serious relationship than a 30 years old one (in my experience anyway).

I am still on the fence about having kids (could see it going either way so I don't want to close any door) but if I was to have kids I'd definitely not want to do it with a man who is going to be 50 by the time said kid will be born

Cross posted. 😂

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 29/03/2023 14:18

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 14:16

@Nowhereelsetogo90 well it does make a difference to me tbh. 10 years older is my cut off, but my preference would be around 5-8 years older. A 38-41 years old man is more likely to be ready for a serious relationship than a 30 years old one (in my experience anyway).

I am still on the fence about having kids (could see it going either way so I don't want to close any door) but if I was to have kids I'd definitely not want to do it with a man who is going to be 50 by the time said kid will be born

Yeah fair enough if that’s how you feel, everyone has different attitude towards age gaps.

Lovelyring · 29/03/2023 14:34

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:53

Leaving it til 47 if you want kids is ..... Very strange. That also says things about the person.

And it's quite arrogant to (apparently) not the no doubt many opportunities to settle with women and have kids til your late 40s, and just think "I'll just get a way younger woman".

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Hardly. I know one man who "left it" until his 40s because his first wife died, another whose first wife was infertile, and another who simply didn't meet the right person until then.

I am obviously not a man, but I didn't choose to have children later for fun. There were not many opportunities to have babies before then. There were none given I expected marriage to come first.

Onegingerhead · 29/03/2023 14:39

To be honest I think it is very common for men to look for a (sometimes much) younger female. My recently single cousin (36 y.o) and separated colleague (40 y.o) are both looking in the pool of 21-30 year olds.

Worthless1 · 29/03/2023 14:44

Ditch him. I met my now partner online, he put his age as 45 (I was 30) but in fairness he did state that he was older put wanted to appear in searches of women slightly younger as he wanted children. Bullshit.
6 years later (and one child) I found out he cheated multiple times, including when I was pregnant. He didn't want a family. He wanted to perv over younger women because he's a narcissistic bully who thinks he's god. I'm now 36 and he's 53. I do everything. He's horrible to me and constantly moans that I should do everything and he's, and I quote "an old man with multiple health issues". He doesn't even try and make an effort.

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 14:45

Lovelyring · 29/03/2023 14:34

Hardly. I know one man who "left it" until his 40s because his first wife died, another whose first wife was infertile, and another who simply didn't meet the right person until then.

I am obviously not a man, but I didn't choose to have children later for fun. There were not many opportunities to have babies before then. There were none given I expected marriage to come first.

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Not to be unkind, but so what? That doesn’t entitle any of these men to a younger woman to have kids with. Nothing does. Particularly as male sperm quality massively deteriorates at around that age and said younger woman will often be led to do much of the running around as the ageing father simply can’t.

There is no reason why men who haven’t had kids until they’re almost 50 are any more entitled to have kids than women in that situation. To assume that they are and that some woman in her 30’s will help them achieve this is arrogant in the extreme.

Worthless1 · 29/03/2023 14:45

Sorry, I meant to add he put his age as 45 but was 47.

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 14:46

Onegingerhead · 29/03/2023 14:39

To be honest I think it is very common for men to look for a (sometimes much) younger female. My recently single cousin (36 y.o) and separated colleague (40 y.o) are both looking in the pool of 21-30 year olds.

Not uncommon, still disgusting. Particularly if, like this chap, they’re lying about their ages.

Bearpawk · 29/03/2023 14:48

How weird. I'd ask him why he lied and exactly what he planned to do if the relationship worked out as you'd inevitably find out !

Lovelyring · 29/03/2023 14:57

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 14:45

Not to be unkind, but so what? That doesn’t entitle any of these men to a younger woman to have kids with. Nothing does. Particularly as male sperm quality massively deteriorates at around that age and said younger woman will often be led to do much of the running around as the ageing father simply can’t.

There is no reason why men who haven’t had kids until they’re almost 50 are any more entitled to have kids than women in that situation. To assume that they are and that some woman in her 30’s will help them achieve this is arrogant in the extreme.

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You said it was strange to leave it to 47 if you wanted kids. My point is that I know at least three men who wanted children at that age and are not at all strange in their desire. It's just how life worked out for them. They didn't lie about their ages to their current partners though and their partners were perfectly happy to be with an older man. Hardly preyed upon.

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 15:12

Lovelyring · 29/03/2023 14:57

You said it was strange to leave it to 47 if you wanted kids. My point is that I know at least three men who wanted children at that age and are not at all strange in their desire. It's just how life worked out for them. They didn't lie about their ages to their current partners though and their partners were perfectly happy to be with an older man. Hardly preyed upon.

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You said it was strange to leave it to 47 if you wanted kids.

I did not. You’re mixing up posters.

I also said nothing about anyone being ‘preyed upon’.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 29/03/2023 15:42

That'd be a no Biggie for me, don't see why the majority here are so worked up about it TBH!

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 15:45

PlinkPlonkFizz · 29/03/2023 15:42

That'd be a no Biggie for me, don't see why the majority here are so worked up about it TBH!

Being lied to is no biggie for you? Interesting.

Naunet · 29/03/2023 16:30

PlinkPlonkFizz · 29/03/2023 15:42

That'd be a no Biggie for me, don't see why the majority here are so worked up about it TBH!

Because we have standards?!

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 16:41

You said it was strange to leave it to 47 if you wanted kids. My point is that I know at least three men who wanted children at that age and are not at all strange in their desire.

It was me and you've cited two relatively extreme situations (before you say infertility is common; while it's incredibly painful for people suffering from it and casts a massive shadow, it's strictly speaking uncommon in that even by 39, most (90%) couples with conceive within 2 years of trying). In the third situation you've said he simply didn't meet the right person or words to that effect; but I'd put it to you if someone was truly very motivated to have children, they'd probably have settled and made it stick (or taken the chance of it not working out) by their late 40s as so so many people do.

Longtimeloiterer · 29/03/2023 16:43

Littleloveydovey · 29/03/2023 08:04

Please don’t tell me you pretended to be older than you were….

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The other way round, I'm 6 years older than him.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 16:45

(in order to have a family).

In the absence of info about whether he is a widower or has had one or more relationships affected by infertility; it's fair to assume he wasn't all that motivated, but is now; and that's he's banked on getting a younger woman to have kids with. There is a certain arrogance/cavalier-ness in that.

And he's even lying to secure younger women - even when asked directly, to their faces.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 16:46

Bearpawk · 29/03/2023 14:48

How weird. I'd ask him why he lied and exactly what he planned to do if the relationship worked out as you'd inevitably find out !

If it's anything like the relationship I was in, he would tell you later when you were established/invested.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 16:48

In my case my first reaction was "why the fk would anyone bother knocking 3 yrs of their age?! It's a small amount" but I think he saw it as being in very early 40s, rather than mid 40s .... And presumably this guy sees it as being early 40s rather than late 40s.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 16:50

(well, early mid 40s rather than late 40s).

monsteramunch · 29/03/2023 16:51

@PlinkPlonkFizz

That'd be a no Biggie for me, don't see why the majority here are so worked up about it TBH!

He directly lied about something, in his profile and to her face, and you don't think that is indicative of someone being a willing and confident liar?

What was his end game? Lie forever if they ended up in a relationship? Or not see any woman for too long in case he has to admit he lied about his age?

He likely lied so he can date younger women as he knows his age would put off many of them. Instead of accepting that's just life, men like him lie in order to push women's boundaries. They lie to date women who wouldn't accept them based on their reality. It's manipulative and dickish.

CheekyHobson · 29/03/2023 18:10

you got on well so is it really a deal breaker

Actually, getting on really well in the first couple of dates can be due to mirroring and love-bombing (ie faking compatibility), so I personally wouldn’t take “we seem to get on so well” as a reason to overlook clear evidence of lying.

CheekyHobson · 29/03/2023 18:15

FWIW there was a thread in the relationships forum about someone who said that they didn't say on their profile that they had kids, I can't remember the exact reason why.

No one in the posters there seemed to batter an eyelid at that particular lie.

I remember that thread and the reason was the poster was wary of being targeted by abusive men who were actually interested in single mums because of their kids.

Heaps of people on that thread said they thought it was a long bow to draw and it would be better to be upfront about having kids but really take a long time before introducing them to anyone new. Your claim that nobody batted an eyelid is not true at all.