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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

447 replies

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 07:42

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest.

However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile.

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 18:40

Lie forever if they ended up in a relationship? Or not see any woman for too long in case he has to admit he lied about his age?

Mine fessed up after a month maybe, i can't remember exactly. After he thought he was in the door, as it were.

GasPanic · 29/03/2023 19:09

CheekyHobson · 29/03/2023 18:15

FWIW there was a thread in the relationships forum about someone who said that they didn't say on their profile that they had kids, I can't remember the exact reason why.

No one in the posters there seemed to batter an eyelid at that particular lie.

I remember that thread and the reason was the poster was wary of being targeted by abusive men who were actually interested in single mums because of their kids.

Heaps of people on that thread said they thought it was a long bow to draw and it would be better to be upfront about having kids but really take a long time before introducing them to anyone new. Your claim that nobody batted an eyelid is not true at all.

OK - happy to stand corrected - my recollection must have been wrong.

cherriestort · 29/03/2023 23:17

FreyaDoig · 29/03/2023 08:10

Maybe instead of throwing away who could possibly be the love of your life think about this. Three years is NOT a big deal. Three years is only 36 months. Yes he lied, but maybe he had felt he needed to for some reason and you should find out why. I would never throw a person away for something this minor and especially someone I was interested enough in to go on a date with. Fine wine my girl, fine wine.

🤮

cherriestort · 29/03/2023 23:25

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2023 10:05

"Why isn’t he dating a woman of his age?"

Not defending her lie - she definitely shouldn't see him again - but the answer to this might be that he doesn't have kids yet and wants them. But of course he should be 100 per cent honest about all that stuff. And the OP is right to break it off as he's futzed about with her boundaries already, on date 2

But is he too old to have children? If I was a women mid-30s looking to have children I'd be looking for a guy my age or younger who wanted children. There's lots of evidence that children can have more likelyhood of health issues - he'd be knocking on 50 by the time they had dated a couple of years, and he's a different generation to the women he wants to date. Don't most women want to parent children with someone their own age?

cherriestort · 29/03/2023 23:27

Plus men OLD often lie about wanting LTR and children, again to get access to women who want these things. So I'm sure he's lying about that too based on his original lie.

Lovelyring · 29/03/2023 23:37

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 16:41

You said it was strange to leave it to 47 if you wanted kids. My point is that I know at least three men who wanted children at that age and are not at all strange in their desire.

It was me and you've cited two relatively extreme situations (before you say infertility is common; while it's incredibly painful for people suffering from it and casts a massive shadow, it's strictly speaking uncommon in that even by 39, most (90%) couples with conceive within 2 years of trying). In the third situation you've said he simply didn't meet the right person or words to that effect; but I'd put it to you if someone was truly very motivated to have children, they'd probably have settled and made it stick (or taken the chance of it not working out) by their late 40s as so so many people do.

That's worse surely, to have a baby with someone close to your age because they'll do?!

I can't be the only person, male or female, who would rather have not had children than settled!

I do know a couple of people who were so desperate for a baby they had one with someone unsuitable. It did not end well.

00kitty · 29/03/2023 23:41

I’d find out why he lied
I don’t think the age gap is an issue if you think he’s the one regardless of whether he’s 44 or 47 but if your googling him I’m wondering if you have a radar that something isn’t quite right. If you don’t think it’s got legs ditch him, if you really like him discuss it with him

Passivhaus · 29/03/2023 23:56

You sound a bit stalkerish with the deep dive into his life

PlinkPlonkFizz · 30/03/2023 01:22

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 15:45

Being lied to is no biggie for you? Interesting.

Show quote history

There are FAR worse things to be lied to about and most adults embellish, exaggerate, prettify, amplify, downplay or lie about aspects of their personality, or history, age, looks or money at some point in the dating game. A few years wouldn't tip me over the edge. Marital status, mental health issues, an inability to handle money sensibly, problem drinking, emotional issues or a messy past absolutely would.

JudgeRudy · 30/03/2023 01:26

Greenfairydust · 29/03/2023 08:00

Don't see him again.

That's a big age gap and he lied to you.

Yet another man who thinks he is entitled to date a much younger woman...It's endemic on dating sites/apps: you see so many men in their late 40s/50s/60s targeting women in their 20s/early 30s. I found that gross and would not do anything to encourage their delusion.

I'm not sure if preferring a more attractive woman is necessarily gross, however lieing is.

JudgeRudy · 30/03/2023 01:31

PlinkPlonkFizz · 30/03/2023 01:22

There are FAR worse things to be lied to about and most adults embellish, exaggerate, prettify, amplify, downplay or lie about aspects of their personality, or history, age, looks or money at some point in the dating game. A few years wouldn't tip me over the edge. Marital status, mental health issues, an inability to handle money sensibly, problem drinking, emotional issues or a messy past absolutely would.

Show quote history

Actually I'm inclined to agree that some lies could be considered 'whiter' than others, and each person will rate them differently, however challenging someone and them saying yes, I'm definitely X years old is not a white lie. That was the time to say actually I'm a couple of years older, but I'd live to see you again if you'd like that.

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 01:33

PlinkPlonkFizz · 30/03/2023 01:22

There are FAR worse things to be lied to about and most adults embellish, exaggerate, prettify, amplify, downplay or lie about aspects of their personality, or history, age, looks or money at some point in the dating game. A few years wouldn't tip me over the edge. Marital status, mental health issues, an inability to handle money sensibly, problem drinking, emotional issues or a messy past absolutely would.

Show quote history

Yes, and all of those FAR worse lies would also be dealbreakers. It’s not a race for the bottom unless you choose to make it one. Most of us choose not to.

Autienotnautie · 30/03/2023 04:18

Longtimeloiterer · 29/03/2023 08:03

I lied to my DH about my age. We're together 25 years this year so don't act too quickly.

Does he know?

justsoembarrassing · 30/03/2023 04:33

If you are considering ditching him because of this then just ask him. You've nothing to lose!

concertgoer · 30/03/2023 07:06

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 12:54

@SleepingStandingUp yes it was companies house. We both used to live in the UK and currently live in Switzerland, and the info on there matches perfectly, name, surname, birth month, borough of London where he told me he used to live, occupation and even the fact that his current place of residence is Switzerland.

Surely all those details matching up can't be a coincidence!

Doesn’t actually mean the DOB is accurate. Just what he’s told companies house …. They don’t check/substantiate it!

could it be a handwriting error on an old form and be the difference between 1975/1978?

we’ve just had to deal with something similar at work that no one had noticed for 30 years!

…….. just saying !!

Ooonafoo · 30/03/2023 07:07

You deserve better

If you want children he would be 50 when the first was born (if his fertility was holding out)

There’s a reason he hasn’t had children already - probably that he doesn’t want them or couldn’t sustain a relationship - he’s likely lying about that desire as well - knows he has to future fake to bag a young one.

Longtimeloiterer · 30/03/2023 08:00

Autienotnautie · 30/03/2023 04:18

Does he know?

Show quote history

😄 of course. I had to be honest very quickly. It wouldn't have been fair not to.

Petra198 · 30/03/2023 09:04

The fact he lied would bother me, but so would someone running a "thorough" internet search and being so dismissive of 50 (ffs) think you both will have saved each other some wasted time on that one. Best for you both to move on.

Original poster
JollieJullie · 30/03/2023 09:22

Petra198 · 30/03/2023 09:04

The fact he lied would bother me, but so would someone running a "thorough" internet search and being so dismissive of 50 (ffs) think you both will have saved each other some wasted time on that one. Best for you both to move on.

I don't think I have been dismissive about 50 years old people in general, I just don't want to date one since I am 33

OP posts:
FrostyFifi · 30/03/2023 09:25

Speaking as someone closer to 50 than OPs age, I wouldn't have wanted a 50 year old at that age either. She's perfectly entitled to prefer partners closer to her own age.

And she's more than entitled to expect some basic honesty.

It's actually eye-opening just how low the bar is with some people and how much crap they seem to be willing to excuse.

QueefQueen80s · 30/03/2023 09:31

Petra198 · 30/03/2023 09:04

The fact he lied would bother me, but so would someone running a "thorough" internet search and being so dismissive of 50 (ffs) think you both will have saved each other some wasted time on that one. Best for you both to move on.

She's 33! When she actually gets to that age and she's dismissive then yes it would be wrong.
But she should be dismissive now, far too big an age gap.

Bored86 · 30/03/2023 09:49

I’m probably going against what most people will say. Benefit of the doubt…must be v daunting dating as you get older. Maybe he did it to try and get a younger woman, maybe just nervous about dating as he gets closer to 50. Maybe he’s insecure. It’s a small red flag but a second or third date wouldn’t be the end of the world.

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 11:00

Petra198 · 30/03/2023 09:04

The fact he lied would bother me, but so would someone running a "thorough" internet search and being so dismissive of 50 (ffs) think you both will have saved each other some wasted time on that one. Best for you both to move on.

Thorough internet searches if you are dating a stranger are common sense and self preservation. To say otherwise is to expect women to entrust their safety to fate. ‘Ffs’.

And if you think there’s a problem with a 33 year old not wanting to date a fifty year old, you need to give your head a wobble.

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 11:03

Bored86 · 30/03/2023 09:49

I’m probably going against what most people will say. Benefit of the doubt…must be v daunting dating as you get older. Maybe he did it to try and get a younger woman, maybe just nervous about dating as he gets closer to 50. Maybe he’s insecure. It’s a small red flag but a second or third date wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Maybe he did it to try and get a younger woman

Yes, that’s why we all think he did it. How is lying so that you don’t have to date women your age and can ‘get’ a younger woman merely a ‘small’ red flag to you?

Petra198 · 30/03/2023 11:37

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 11:00

Thorough internet searches if you are dating a stranger are common sense and self preservation. To say otherwise is to expect women to entrust their safety to fate. ‘Ffs’.

And if you think there’s a problem with a 33 year old not wanting to date a fifty year old, you need to give your head a wobble.

Show quote history

Internet search yes, but DOB and thorough tad much, you would know from a normal search if there were any concerns. I guess it is needed for safety now but would suggest that is a bit too thorough very soon, each to their own
Re 50... nope nothing wrong with a 33 yr old not wanting to date a 50 year old (hes not 50) but it was a comment on how it was portrayed and the ffs was showing how it was shown in the original post.
Wobble wobble