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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

447 replies

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 07:42

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest.

However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile.

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

OP posts:
RichardHeed · 29/03/2023 12:14

For the rest of us mere mortals, we'll probably have to suck up the odd lie here or there.

Why are some people’s bar so low?

Baffles me why people lie about stuff like this. How does he think this lie would pan out of the end goal is a serious relationship? Absolutely pointless and off putting.

DeclineandFall · 29/03/2023 12:15

I know women in their 50's on OLD who lie about their age- a few years to take them under 50. Not because they want younger men particularly but because men their age want women younger not the same age as them. The men see themselves as young and virile and the women the same age as old and washed up. Ironically the opposite is usually true.

RichardHeed · 29/03/2023 12:18

I think though you probably need to redefine your parameters. If you want kids then you need to fish in the right pool
OP was “fishing in the right pool” but when fish from other pools jump out and try and masquerade as a different fish, what is OP supposed to do? She doesn’t need different parameters, they are hers and hers alone to define, she just needs the fish to stay in their fucking pool

And frankly the younger they are the better
Erm…

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:29

If he’s lied about something as simple as his age then it shows he will happily lie about anything. He’s not even comfortable enough in his own skin to admit his age and is cat fishing for younger women.

This.

I went out with an older man at about 35, he also lied about his age and knocked two or three years off. 3 years most be the no they think is "morally acceptable" to knock off lol.

I let it go.

He turned out to be generally dishonest.
And a dickhead.
And insecure possessive, and controlling.
And entitled and sexist.

I agree that ten years is a more than big enough gap. Most men certainly wouldn't be giving women ten years older a chance, that's for sure.

monsteramunch · 29/03/2023 12:36

@Lovelyring

I completely disagree that large age gaps are better when you're younger. 14 vs 28 is wildly different to 34 vs 47.

Well yes, the example you've given is wildly different in that the younger version you compared it to is legally rape as one party is a child...

Not really a sensible comparison!

GasPanic · 29/03/2023 12:36

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 11:36

Lying is not exactly a small character flaw though

Show quote history

I suppose it depends on what they are lying about.

My guess is at least 50% of dating profiles contain some sort of lie or omission about an important fact in their life. Either a lie about how old they are, how heavy they are, how tall they are, whether they are married/divorced/single/separated, whether they have kids, whether they are highly educated, whether they have been in prison. The list goes on. People don't generally say negative things about themselves and they embellish the truth. Why ? Because society is competitive and there appears to be an increasing trend to only want to accept perfection, while not recognising we are often far from perfect ourselves.

Maybe the old way is better and you just end up meeting someone in a pub with no info at all, and the only thing you have is the old equivalent of a swipe and have the entertainment of finding out all the info by actually talking to someone.

TranielPratspliff · 29/03/2023 12:37

WhatdoImean · 29/03/2023 09:33

OK - so you got on, had a connection and sounded like you had fun. However, because of your rules, if he HAD been honest you would not have met him. So he lied about his age (which got you to meet him so it "worked" - for a given value of "worked") and you found out that he is actually good company with whom you had a connection.

I would suggest 1) the lying is NOT good - talk to him about it and 2) the fact that you liked him, had fun etc. suggests that your rules may be making you miss options for a partnership.

At the end of the day - it sounds like you WANT to meet a partner, but if you start having hard and fast rules about age etc. you may be locking yourself into a smaller pool and losing options for contacts who could be just what you actually want. If you don't like anyone, don't see them - but for me personally, I prefer a more flexible set of guidelines than hard and fast rules...

I guess I am in the minority here though!

I agree with you.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:37

It's very basic and very fundamental and shows they give themselves permission to lie in general, and to get what they want.

I'm trying to think of how many other things I found out he lied about during the relationship;

  • treatment for a significant health condition.
  • the circumstances of the breakdown of his previous relationships
  • his decision to have a pet destroyed... He told me he rehomed it
  • he misrepresentated the circumstances of his previous employment/business
  • he implied noone had really had an issue with his snoring before, til.hjs relative dropped him in it on that front
  • a relative of mine saw him in our town and he tried to hide in a vehicle when he saw him
  • he told his best mate/cousin sensitive, embarssing stuff I'd told him about my past and pretended a late confrontation his cousin decided to stage when we visited his home was nothing/he had nothing to do with it etc. He played dumb wgen I queried it.
  • he was always sneakily smoking when supposed to be giving up

This is off the top of my head

TheNestedIf · 29/03/2023 12:39

Even if 13 years wasn't a deal breaker, that straight face he showed you when he lied... he'll show that exact same face to you every time he's pleasing himself whilst doing something that, for you, is absolutely unacceptable in a relationship.

From bitter experience, REJECT.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:41

A bloke a decade older is already kinda poaching on grounds that are .... Ambitious/advantageous to him, without him knocking years off on timid that.

And if you'd like kids, keep in mind fertility clinics don't use donor sperm from men over 39. More difficulty getting pregnant, higher risk of miscarriage, higher risk of abnormalities, apparent string connection with autism (over 40) etc.

Men like to think it's only females biological material that ages, it's not.

Flyinggeesei234 · 29/03/2023 12:42

HoneyPotBee · 29/03/2023 09:41

I honestly think doing ‘internet research’ is much more a read flag that shaving 3 years off your age. You might be doing him a favour if you dump him.

You’ve got to be kidding?! It’s just basic sensible stuff.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:43

Flyinggeesei234 · 29/03/2023 12:42

You’ve got to be kidding?! It’s just basic sensible stuff.

Show quote history

Yeah like how else are you supposed to find out most of them are married lol

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:45

14 vs 28 is wildly different to 34 vs 47

14 and 28 is a criminal offence on a number of fronts. Are you feeling ok?

Original poster
JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 12:48

@GasPanic but every single lie you mention is a pretty serious deal breaker Shock

Lying about having been to prison or having kids?!? Seriously? Why would anyone think this is normal behavior?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2023 12:50

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 09:46

So you wouldn't Google a complete stranger before potentially spending time alone with him in his or your place? Isn't it basic safety?

It is not like I snooped on his phone or invaded his privacy, he told me his surname so I simply Googled his name and surname. All the info was there for the general public to see.

Show quote history

Where tho op? He may well have added 3 years to his age when he was younger to look more responsible and no longer do that, so it's your info that's wrong.

If you're sure you're definitely right then dump him.
Otherwise say to him "OK, so I did the due diligence before I could be alone with you, cos I'm a woman and it's what we do, but I have to ask you something. How old ARE you? Cos X says your 47 not 44,🤣

Beantag · 29/03/2023 12:50

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 12:48

@GasPanic but every single lie you mention is a pretty serious deal breaker Shock

Lying about having been to prison or having kids?!? Seriously? Why would anyone think this is normal behavior?

Lots of people have low standards. Honestly some compromise is alright but bloody hell it's scary the crap some people are content with for the sake of a relationship!

PousseyNotMoira · 29/03/2023 12:51

SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2023 12:50

Where tho op? He may well have added 3 years to his age when he was younger to look more responsible and no longer do that, so it's your info that's wrong.

If you're sure you're definitely right then dump him.
Otherwise say to him "OK, so I did the due diligence before I could be alone with you, cos I'm a woman and it's what we do, but I have to ask you something. How old ARE you? Cos X says your 47 not 44,🤣

Show quote history

Companies House. It’ll be his correct age, as it legally has to be.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:53

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 10:07

That is correct, he wants kids so I understand looking for a slightly younger woman for that. Perhaps late 30s would be more appropriate to his age than 33 though.

Anyway, it is the repeated lie that matters.

Show quote history

Leaving it til 47 if you want kids is ..... Very strange. That also says things about the person.

And it's quite arrogant to (apparently) not the no doubt many opportunities to settle with women and have kids til your late 40s, and just think "I'll just get a way younger woman".

Original poster
JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 12:54

@SleepingStandingUp yes it was companies house. We both used to live in the UK and currently live in Switzerland, and the info on there matches perfectly, name, surname, birth month, borough of London where he told me he used to live, occupation and even the fact that his current place of residence is Switzerland.

Surely all those details matching up can't be a coincidence!

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:55

*And it's quite arrogant to (apparently) not take the no doubt many opportunities to settle with women and have kids until your late 40s, and just think "I'll just get myself a way younger woman".

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:58

there appears to be an increasing trend to only want to accept perfection, while not recognising we are often far from perfect ourselves.

One look on this forum and at your friends, acquaintances and work colleagues will prove that is not remotely what happens in reality

It's the opposite; people out up with abuse, deal breakers, shit etc for relationships and kids all the fkg time. Standards are not too high, they've never been and that hasn't changed.

GasPanic · 29/03/2023 12:59

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 12:48

@GasPanic but every single lie you mention is a pretty serious deal breaker Shock

Lying about having been to prison or having kids?!? Seriously? Why would anyone think this is normal behavior?

You can make your dealbreakers whatever you want - as other people have said though that can lead to disappointment, because people are far from perfect.

FWIW there was a thread in the relationships forum about someone who said that they didn't say on their profile that they had kids, I can't remember the exact reason why.

No one in the posters there seemed to batter an eyelid at that particular lie.

Yes you can set your bar too low. You can also set it too high as well. It's a personal choice and wherever you choose to set it is not unreasonable. You don't need validation from anyone else.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 12:59

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 12:54

@SleepingStandingUp yes it was companies house. We both used to live in the UK and currently live in Switzerland, and the info on there matches perfectly, name, surname, birth month, borough of London where he told me he used to live, occupation and even the fact that his current place of residence is Switzerland.

Surely all those details matching up can't be a coincidence!

It's not.

Some posters on here just have to second guess and nit pick and critique the op and nauseum.

2023IHateYou · 29/03/2023 13:00
  1. He lied.
  2. He's too old

Move on, it's not worth the headspace.

LooseGoose22 · 29/03/2023 13:03

You're in a country with two top financial, business and IT cities and hopefully accompanying men from all over working in those industries ..... Surely there must be one for a 33 yr old young woman (sounds like you have a good job and are sensible and gave integrity, and that guy probably wouldn't be interested in you and lying to get you if you weren't attractive too), besides a ln almost 50 yr old who lies.

Sailing and skiing, op.

International meet up groups.

Swiss themselves can be very insular and might settle young so maybe concentrate on international/ex pats.