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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

447 replies

JollieJullie · 29/03/2023 07:42

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest.

However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile.

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

OP posts:
Middleagedspreadisreal · 30/03/2023 21:05

Is it the lie or the age gap that bothers you? My other half is 12 years older than me. We've been together for 20 years, since I was 40 & he was 52 so don't understand why it would be the age difference

Original poster
JollieJullie · 30/03/2023 21:05

likethislikethat · 30/03/2023 20:26

Gosh, I hope some of you go back and read the shite you have written and then consider how it would read to a genuine guy who looked at what appears to be "wimmin" in the worst possible way.

So the bloke knocks 3 years off his age. No great issue really. Women have been doing this for decades.

The truth is that he doesn't want to go shopping for 50 something old women and he would prefer younger ladies and he is 100% entitled to that opinion.

What he has probably found is that he is being prejudged because he is 47 and not nearer to 40.

The OP's very comments about liking the guy and having a mutual attraction would presumably have been fine if he had been 3 years younger but had he stated he was 47, then the OP would have missed out on a guy she likes but for his age.

Get over it lady, finding a guy who likes you and you like him is more important than a few years here and there or a little white lie about it.

A mutual attraction becomes useless as soon as the lie is discovered. Lying is a huge turn off and an immediate deal breaker for a lot of people.

So guys like him might get initial dates with oblivious younger women, who are likely to reject them once the lie is discovered not because of the age itself, but because of the lie.

The end result is the same!

OP posts:
Original poster
JollieJullie · 30/03/2023 21:09

Middleagedspreadisreal · 30/03/2023 21:05

Is it the lie or the age gap that bothers you? My other half is 12 years older than me. We've been together for 20 years, since I was 40 & he was 52 so don't understand why it would be the age difference

It is both. I don't want to date a liar and I don't want to be in an age gap relationship.

Ironically, my last relationship had a 13 years gap (exactly the same gap I have with lying bloke) so I had a chance to experience what it means to be in a relationship with that kind of gap. It is not for me.

After that relationship, I promised myself I would not do it to myself again and I intend to stick to that promise.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 21:09

Middleagedspreadisreal · 30/03/2023 21:05

Is it the lie or the age gap that bothers you? My other half is 12 years older than me. We've been together for 20 years, since I was 40 & he was 52 so don't understand why it would be the age difference

OP was very clear that it's both. She said in her first post:

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

Original poster
JollieJullie · 30/03/2023 21:13

Middleagedspreadisreal · 30/03/2023 21:05

Is it the lie or the age gap that bothers you? My other half is 12 years older than me. We've been together for 20 years, since I was 40 & he was 52 so don't understand why it would be the age difference

Fair enough that this gap has worked for you, but it does not for me and his lie was meant to take away my ability to choose.

OP posts:
honeypancake · 30/03/2023 21:14

What he should have done is to reveal his real age at dates 2 or 3 and explain it properly without you finding out first, and given you an option to decide what you do with that information. The lie thing aside, if you found a 13-year age gap too large in the past, then surely 10-11 years is still quite big, why would you then initially consider a guy who is 44? 44 or 47, it is still mid-40s really! 🤷‍♀️

Whiskeypowers · 30/03/2023 21:19

Did you post about this yesterday? In a different thread?

aModernClassic · 30/03/2023 21:30

minipie · 29/03/2023 08:10

No brainer. A) he lied B) the age gap is huge C) he’s an older man targeting younger women 🤮

This! 13 years is a big as he gap and he knows it otherwise, he wouldn't need to lie.

FrostyFifi · 30/03/2023 21:32

We've been together for 20 years, since I was 40 & he was 52 so don't understand why it would be the age difference

Not everyone would be happy with that big an age difference though, it varies.

Farmageddon · 30/03/2023 21:37

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2023 10:05

"Why isn’t he dating a woman of his age?"

Not defending her lie - she definitely shouldn't see him again - but the answer to this might be that he doesn't have kids yet and wants them. But of course he should be 100 per cent honest about all that stuff. And the OP is right to break it off as he's futzed about with her boundaries already, on date 2

Eh, if he wants kids and he's 47 - what the fuck has he been doing for the last 20 years?
Oh that's right, probably stringing various women along and wasting their time.
Now he's knocking on the door of 50 and suddenly wants a trophy wife. Bleugh.

Farmageddon · 30/03/2023 21:38

Middleagedspreadisreal · 30/03/2023 21:05

Is it the lie or the age gap that bothers you? My other half is 12 years older than me. We've been together for 20 years, since I was 40 & he was 52 so don't understand why it would be the age difference

Presumably he didn't lie to you about his age when you met him.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 30/03/2023 21:41

JollieJullie · 30/03/2023 21:13

Fair enough that this gap has worked for you, but it does not for me and his lie was meant to take away my ability to choose.

Show quote history

Okay. You have to do what's best for you. Your instinct is telling you you're not happy with the lie or his real age. Pity if you like him. Hope you find someone you can trust

Ooonafoo · 30/03/2023 21:43

Farmageddon · 30/03/2023 21:37

Eh, if he wants kids and he's 47 - what the fuck has he been doing for the last 20 years?
Oh that's right, probably stringing various women along and wasting their time.
Now he's knocking on the door of 50 and suddenly wants a trophy wife. Bleugh.

Show quote history

Yep.

Who then becomes a nurse with a purse.

He doesn’t want children - it’s another lie that he is future faking to hook in a gullible younger woman

DadBodAlready · 30/03/2023 21:47

And women don't lie about their age.
Age is just a number, whats important is how guys click

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 21:52

DadBodAlready · 30/03/2023 21:47

And women don't lie about their age.
Age is just a number, whats important is how guys click

Not all women are the same. Not all men are the same.

So what does the fact some women also lie about their age have to do with OP's situation?

The fact some women lie doesn't mean women should be ok with a man lying to them.

Just like the fact that some men lie doesn't mean men should be ok with a woman lying to them.

Not wanting to continue dating someone who has proactively lied to you about something as fundamental as their age really isn't a very high bar to set.

Especially when the reason is almost certainly that he knew she wouldn't have wanted to date him if he shared his real age.

It's not up to anyone else to dictate what dealbreakers are or aren't acceptable. If someone doesn't want to date people of a particular age, the solution isn't for those people to lie in order to be dated by them.

Nobody is entitled to a relationship.

Good relationships don't start based on lies.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 30/03/2023 22:05

No, you're right, they're his problems which he may discuss with her if she asks. Re targeting younger women 35 is not exactly the first bloom of youth
Perhaps he wants the chance of having children one day
Some men yearn to be fathers just as some women yearn to be mothers
But OP would probably only want to discuss the reason for the lie if she's interested in seeing where the relationship might go
She may not be that bothered, her choice obviously

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 22:12

Burgoo · 30/03/2023 19:32

I can see both perspectives. On one hand I totally get that the lying doesn't look good and makes you question his integrity. You wonder what else he may have been dishonest about.

On the other hand every single person tells half truths or white lies. I suspect he thought that telling you he is closer to 50 would put you off even going on a date with him. Many men get declined just based on age; they get seen as "old men" and after hundreds of rejections they may then opt to be liberal with the facts (I've not done it, I am happily married but I can see how that happens).

I'd just ask why he lied. He may have a valid reason for doing so (frequent rejection and fear of being honest and being single forever) or less so (being a compulsive liar).

The fact is that you admit the age would have been a problem. Doesn't it kind of prove that being honest doesn't help him getting dates?

On the other hand every single person tells half truths or white lies. I suspect he thought that telling you he is closer to 50 would put you off even going on a date with him. Many men get declined just based on age; they get seen as "old men" and after hundreds of rejections they may then opt to be liberal with the facts (I've not done it, I am happily married but I can see how that happens).

Here’s an idea. They could date women their age and avoid all this.

I'd just ask why he lied. He may have a valid reason for doing so (frequent rejection and fear of being honest and being single forever) or less so (being a compulsive liar).

What would be a valid reason? Tricking younger women because they don’t want him and he cannot bear to date women his own age?

The fact is that you admit the age would have been a problem. Doesn't it kind of prove that being honest doesn't help him getting dates?

It proves that being honest doesn’t help him get dates with younger women, to whom he is not entitled. Please see above re dating women his own age.

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:14

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 30/03/2023 22:05

No, you're right, they're his problems which he may discuss with her if she asks. Re targeting younger women 35 is not exactly the first bloom of youth
Perhaps he wants the chance of having children one day
Some men yearn to be fathers just as some women yearn to be mothers
But OP would probably only want to discuss the reason for the lie if she's interested in seeing where the relationship might go
She may not be that bothered, her choice obviously

She's not 35.

And he's 13 yrs older than her, whatever age she is.

She's set 10 years as her max difference I think; that's already generous in my book

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:17

It proves that being honest doesn’t help him get dates with younger women, to whom he is not entitled. Please see above re dating women his own age.

If other women emulate op's perfectly reasonable max difference of 10 years, he could get a 37/38 yr old, with whom (if he's being truthful about his desire for kids) he could still have a decent chance of having kids.
But he's lying to get a 33 yr old.

PousseyNotMoira · 30/03/2023 22:18

honeypancake · 30/03/2023 21:14

What he should have done is to reveal his real age at dates 2 or 3 and explain it properly without you finding out first, and given you an option to decide what you do with that information. The lie thing aside, if you found a 13-year age gap too large in the past, then surely 10-11 years is still quite big, why would you then initially consider a guy who is 44? 44 or 47, it is still mid-40s really! 🤷‍♀️

What he should have done was be honest from the outset, so prospective dates can decide for themselves.

The lie thing aside, if you found a 13-year age gap too large in the past, then surely 10-11 years is still quite big, why would you then initially consider a guy who is 44? 44 or 47, it is still mid-40s really!

People can set literally any boundaries they choose, wherever they choose, with regards to who they date. OP’s cutoff point is her cutoff point. It’s not a matter for debate.

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:19

In fact 10. years older is more than reasonable; it's generous. He's already benefitting from male privilege on that front; most men would not consider up to 10 yrs older.

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:22

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 21:52

Not all women are the same. Not all men are the same.

So what does the fact some women also lie about their age have to do with OP's situation?

The fact some women lie doesn't mean women should be ok with a man lying to them.

Just like the fact that some men lie doesn't mean men should be ok with a woman lying to them.

Not wanting to continue dating someone who has proactively lied to you about something as fundamental as their age really isn't a very high bar to set.

Especially when the reason is almost certainly that he knew she wouldn't have wanted to date him if he shared his real age.

It's not up to anyone else to dictate what dealbreakers are or aren't acceptable. If someone doesn't want to date people of a particular age, the solution isn't for those people to lie in order to be dated by them.

Nobody is entitled to a relationship.

Good relationships don't start based on lies.

Show quote history

On point as always.

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:24

Age is just a number, whats important is how guys click

Is that true of men and their romantic/partner choices?

🙄

Or are only women supposed to subscribe to age just being a number?

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 30/03/2023 22:25

Sorry, yes, she says 33 going on 34, but still not in the first bloom of youth

LooseGoose22 · 30/03/2023 22:27

Even when it's not relationships; purely no strings shagging with total strangers eg on fab swingers, men specify age ranges they'll accept. It's rarely above 50 or 60.
I've seen late 46/7 yr old guys specify 50 as their upper limit ..... For a meaningless fuck, no strings, completely gratis ..3/4 yrs older as their limit. But "age is just a number" uh huh.