To stop seeing guy who lied about his age?

[JollieJullie]

Went on two lovely dates with a guy. I thought this had potential, we got on really well and there definitely was mutual interest.

However, a thorough Internet research has showed me that he is 3 years older than stated. I even asked him for confirmation about his age on the first date (casually in conversation) and he confirmed the age stated on his OLD profile.

3 years is not a big difference, but to me it makes a difference. I am 33 going on 34, so dating a 44 years old vs a 47 years old IS different. He is closer to 50 than 40 FFS!

More importantly, I am just bothered by the lie and unimpressed about the insecurity this reveals. I think I will have to call it a day.

What do you all think? Not a big deal or am I right to be so annoyed? AIBU or not?

Bollocks.

She sounds sensible.

And she's been vindicated.

This.

A. But that's not what I said.

B. No, you're not.

C. That's the other extreme.
There's a happy medium.

Anyway lying about your age to get 33 yr old women in OLD is pathetic and shows a lack of integrity.

Yep.

If I had to identify what character traits were behind the lying about his age by the older man I was in a relationship with; I would conclude;

Immaturity
Dishonesty.

They don't make for good relationship material.

On reflection, I'd add entitlement.

He not only thought he was entitled to younger, attractive women, but once in the relationship he felt entitled to control her life. This played out over a year or more. It became clear to me his agenda was to isolate me and lock me down, and he felt perfectly entitled to do so.

It's not just the lie is it ?
It's that in OLD you are going for a partner someone to build a long term relationship with, so how is he planning to continue to deceit about his age? How far will he go? What else will he omit /lie about as it suits him not you?

13 years age gap is very significant - it's more than a decade of difference in references back to your youth, music bands , life experiences etc

I think there's a world of difference dating between looking for someone up to 5-10 years your senior (Ie you weren't looking specifically for 10 years older that was your absolute max!) and this 47 year old man who is 13 years older than you. You're early 30s.

Your 20s are your 'new adult' growing up years. He's been way past that for nearly 20 years now. You've only just gone past that stage. In 20 years he will retire, you'll be retiring in 35 years.
He'd be 80 when youre just first retiring wanting to go in your adventures ...

Yeah, his kid is significant as 10 years older was your Maximum age difference and hs doesnt care .

The DOB came up during the internet search. Should she have not looked at it? ‘Thorough’ is a ‘tad much’? She should be less thorough when trying to ensure her safety? What are you even saying?

His being almost 50 was portrayed as aggravating because she doesn’t want to date an almost 50 year old and was lied to. ‘Ffs’ seems a fair response to that.

YNAIBU, OP. For a long term partner, with a wide age gap, there's the issue of him potentially becoming in need of care way before you are. He'd be 70 when you are just 57, and you don't want to end up in that situation .

Don't be too quick to judge, if other aspects are good. Ask him why he lied, it could be interesting.
14 years older than me and my DH, married 31 years very happily

What would you consider to be an acceptable reason for the lie? I can’t think of s single one.

To be honest if you like him you like him. If you do then age doesn't matter. BUT the lie does. If you like him, ask him directly why you lied. Tell him honestly what you did and how you found out. Have a grown up discussion. Or see how he reacts. Then decide.

Perhaps he's feeling sad, lonely, full of existential angst, perhaps he feels 3 years younger than he is, perhaps he feels women will judge him on his age and the age gaps in any relationships

Or perhaps he's a deceitful twat that ignored OPs carefully chosen parameters.

Ooh I feel all those things! Can I lie to potential partners too?

Perhaps he's feeling sad, lonely, full of existential angst, perhaps he feels 3 years younger than he is

None of which is her problem or justifies lying.

perhaps he feels women will judge him on his age and the age gaps in any relationships

This would only be the case if he’s targeting younger women. Which, again, is a red flag for most of said younger women. And he knows this, thus the lie.

Just wait until you figure out what else he lied about! It is amazing how many 5 ft 8 in men declaring themselves 6 foot there are.

I met a guy OLD, who'd shaved a year or two off his actual age (why even bother?). We got on really well. Can't remember how I discovered this, but when I asked him about it, it was brushed away as an 'online error'.

This came after I'd discovered his location had changed - so he didn't live 1 hour away, but 3, putting any relationship into long-distance territory. He used to live in the listed location and, er, hadn't updated sit to where he actually lived, which was in a sparsely-populated area. This 'omission' was presumably to widen the net.

Then there was the statement he was fit and sporty, but that was presumably a decade earlier. Since then, he'd suffered from various serious health issues which had - and were still - taking their toll, as I slowly discovered. We got on really well and, despite all these red flags, went on to have a relationship for some years. When the 'small' lies continued and began to stack up, I couldn't take it any more. The trust was gone. Nice guy in many ways, but what's the point? Hope I've learned my lesson and never make excuses and ignore red flags again.

I can see both perspectives. On one hand I totally get that the lying doesn't look good and makes you question his integrity. You wonder what else he may have been dishonest about.

On the other hand every single person tells half truths or white lies. I suspect he thought that telling you he is closer to 50 would put you off even going on a date with him. Many men get declined just based on age; they get seen as "old men" and after hundreds of rejections they may then opt to be liberal with the facts (I've not done it, I am happily married but I can see how that happens).

I'd just ask why he lied. He may have a valid reason for doing so (frequent rejection and fear of being honest and being single forever) or less so (being a compulsive liar).

The fact is that you admit the age would have been a problem. Doesn't it kind of prove that being honest doesn't help him getting dates?

@Burgoo

He may have a valid reason for doing so (frequent rejection and fear of being honest and being single forever) or less so (being a compulsive liar).

What do you mean by 'valid' though? A fear of rejection from women over a decade younger than him doesn't make it any less morally wrong to lie to them in order to trick them into dating him...

The fact is that you admit the age would have been a problem. Doesn't it kind of prove that being honest doesn't help him getting dates?

If someone was homeless and unemployed and told women they were self employed millionaires, then the woman found out and dingy want to see him anymore, would you say 'the fact is you admit his lack of home and employment would have been a problem. Doesn't it prove that being honest doesn't help him getting dates?'

He is not owed women's attention, he is not entitled to a relationship. Nobody is. It's morally wrong to lie in order to push someone's boundaries (because that's what he's doing - lying about his age in case his real age is in a woman's dealbreaker brackets) essentially in order to date and shag them.

It's gross. And so unbelievably entitled.

Gosh, I hope some of you go back and read the shite you have written and then consider how it would read to a genuine guy who looked at what appears to be "wimmin" in the worst possible way.

So the bloke knocks 3 years off his age. No great issue really. Women have been doing this for decades.

The truth is that he doesn't want to go shopping for 50 something old women and he would prefer younger ladies and he is 100% entitled to that opinion.

What he has probably found is that he is being prejudged because he is 47 and not nearer to 40.

The OP's very comments about liking the guy and having a mutual attraction would presumably have been fine if he had been 3 years younger but had he stated he was 47, then the OP would have missed out on a guy she likes but for his age.

Get over it lady, finding a guy who likes you and you like him is more important than a few years here and there or a little white lie about it.

@likethislikethat

The truth is that he doesn't want to go shopping for 50 something old women and he would prefer younger ladies and he is 100% entitled to that opinion.

Works both ways pal:

The truth is that OP doesn't want to go shopping for men over the age she is comfortable with and she would prefer men in the age bracket she is comfortable with and she is 100% entitled to that opinion.

And unlike him, she hasn't lied in order to pursue her preference.

Any bloke is entitled to want to date adult women of whatever age they like. They aren't entitled to use a lie trick their preferred age of woman into dating them.

It's gross.

This is so dripping in obvious contempt for women it made me cringe.

A misogynist man has kindly arrived to demonstrate why running a mile from these pricks is the clever option.

@likethislikethat The amount of fucks I give about how this reads wouldn't be visible under a microscope.

Get over it lady, finding a guy who likes you and you like him is more important than a few years here and there or a little white lie about it

She doesn't know him yet however what she does know is that he lies. On that basis she is entitled to not like him anymore!