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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

319 replies

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 00:52

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

OP posts:
Dirtydiesel · 29/03/2023 08:29

It's only for a few hours and your parents are there. I don't think it is unreasonable that he goes out.

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 08:29

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 08:18

Oh lord, the 'cool wives' are out in force.

Honestly, I think women are just conditioned to be treated like shit. A decent man would have said to you - 'I've been asked to go out for dinner on x day, will that work for you?', not just presumed he can ditch you with baby while you are still recovering. It's like he hasn't got his head around the fact that he now has responsibilities.

I wouldn't be happy with this. It's part of that conditioning that tells us that men's lives continue as normal while women put theirs on hold for the kids.

She has two parents to do everything for her. The baby has three adults to meet its needs. She hasn't been left alone.

After two weeks with my in laws I'd have jumped out of a window.

ifonly4 · 29/03/2023 08:29

Congratulations and I hope you feel better soon. As many others have said, you do have your parents and maybe he just needs a break away from the family home.

Although, you're the one who's been through the birth, if your DH was there to, maybe he just needs to let his hair down. My DH was aware the team couldn't do what was needed for me (I was half out of it so didn't realise) and my BIL had the worry of a four hour transfer wait to another hospital with three things of concern happening for his DW and DB. It must take it's toll on them as well.

Moving forward, why not plan a couple of hours out shopping on your own or coffee with a friend, leaving DH in charge. It's good for both of you to get out.

Flamingolip · 29/03/2023 08:33

Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2023 02:12

I can only imagine how miserable he is staying at your parent's home. Going out on one evening isn't too much to ask.

Maybe they get on? What a leap

Rachie1973 · 29/03/2023 08:41

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 08:18

Oh lord, the 'cool wives' are out in force.

Honestly, I think women are just conditioned to be treated like shit. A decent man would have said to you - 'I've been asked to go out for dinner on x day, will that work for you?', not just presumed he can ditch you with baby while you are still recovering. It's like he hasn't got his head around the fact that he now has responsibilities.

I wouldn't be happy with this. It's part of that conditioning that tells us that men's lives continue as normal while women put theirs on hold for the kids.

Lolol. ‘Cool wives’.

OP isn’t being treated like shit! She’s in her parents home, with them whilst her DH goes for a meal with a friend. He’s not off to Amsterdam for the weekend to play with the prostitutes.

Nothing ‘cool’ about it, it’s just normal adulting.

WifeofEvelynHugo · 29/03/2023 08:42

Congratulations on your baby...

I would have been feeling exactly the same as you. Those first weeks after birth, I wanted my OH with 'Us'... regardless of who else I had around, I wanted that bubble around me, my OH and our Child x

It's lovely having your parents there, but they aren't the baby's parents.

The baby is your husband's responsibility too, and if you are currently going through an adjustment period, and need the security of your partner, that is totally understandable 🥰

I'd suggest to your OH he just holds off for a few more weeks, explain the birth has made you feel vulnerable. This is new ground for the both of you.

Take care and enjoy These first moments with your little one and make Sure you focus on your physical, emotional and mental healing too.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 08:43

Ohh give me a break. He is going out for something to eat for a couple of hours not a bloody stag weekend. You are living in your parents house so there will be THREE people to look after ONE baby for the 2 or so hours he is gone. He is a good dad, he is living with YOUR parents which must be hard and you object to him meeting a friend for a bite to eat 2 weeks after you give birth when you have all the support in the world? YABVVVVVU.

GrasstrackGirl · 29/03/2023 08:43

I mean this kindly but YABU.

It's been two weeks and you have your parents with you.

I'm not sure why some posters are shortening it to a week and minimising the parents help.

diddl · 29/03/2023 08:43

You are staying at your parents for "extra help".

Extra help for whom?

Presumably you?

Does he feel surplus to requirements?

I would have found an extra couple of hours difficult after a full day alone.

That's not Op's position though.

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 08:45

Rachie1973 · 29/03/2023 08:41

Lolol. ‘Cool wives’.

OP isn’t being treated like shit! She’s in her parents home, with them whilst her DH goes for a meal with a friend. He’s not off to Amsterdam for the weekend to play with the prostitutes.

Nothing ‘cool’ about it, it’s just normal adulting.

Well, I pity you if you think it's normal for a man to go out for dinner while his wife is still recovering from birthing their child, without even so much as a discussion where he asks how she is feeling and if she can manage. It's just common decency to talk about it rather than announce that he is going.

Katy4321 · 29/03/2023 08:55

Wow some of the responses on here are really quite harsh. I think it is totally fine to want to stay at your parents and have that extra support for a few weeks - and even if your other half is feeling stiffled they can suck it up for a short while, to support you after such a traumatic time. He is getting time away at work. Hopefully he can get a bit more time off to support you after you move to your own place.

I think some people either haven't experienced it or have forgotten what it feels like after a traumatic birth. Mine was moderately traumatic and lost quite a lot of blood. I felt so weak and struggled holding my baby to my breast. Also breast feeding can be very challenging and painful to establish. And we have no idea on the age and fitness of her parents. So I think it would be totally reasonable, to want your DP home after work in these first few weeks, and meet his friend another time.

Wishing you all the best with your new little one, and please reach out for support to discuss the birth - it is totally OK to feel a bit in shock and sad you didn't get the birth you hoped for. x

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/03/2023 08:55

KissesTasteLikeWhiskey · 29/03/2023 08:24

That’s you. This is OP.

People are different and have different feelings. For people to say the things they have to a new mum, it’s just nasty. It doesn’t mean she’s not going to cope going forward or she’s immature or whatever else. It just means she would like her husband around at the moment. He’s her partner, the baby’s father, there’s nothing unreasonable about wanting him around at all.

I've just read the OP to my partner and he said ‘can’t he just see how his wife is in a week or so and go out when she’s feeling better?’. I’m glad my partner sees things that way. Hopefully OPs will too if she talks to him.

Hope you’re feeling better soon OP and congrats on your baby.

Of course people are different. Though, apparently if you are fine with this, it makes you a 'cool wife' or have low expectations of your husband which is what I was clearly responding to.

saraclara · 29/03/2023 08:59

I imagine it's an awkward dynamic for him when he's just become a father and is having to step aside for his in laws.

That in spades. I adored my in-laws. I totally won the in-law.lottery. But I can't imagine negotiating all that comes with being new parents, while living with them in their home. It's hard enough trying to work it all out, without being under their gaze or having them intervene. OP says that her DH isn't particularly social, so even if he likes them, I imagine that he's desperate for some space.

Much as the dad didn't go through giving birth or breastfeeding or all the physical stuff, that doesn't mean that becoming a father isn't a huge thing in its own right. His meds shouldn't be just thrown aside as if he's of no importance whatsoever. A few hours for a meal with a friend and to escape the in-laws while they look out for OP, is fine. OP had said that he's involving himself with the baby and doing everything that he should. He's not being a useless dad, he just needs a bit of space at a time when he knows OP has plenty of support in her parents.

SVRT19674 · 29/03/2023 09:00

I don´t want to sound cold, but how many people are needed to look after a newborn? There are 4 adults in that house...I´m sure going out for a meal if he is otherwise engaged is no problem whatsoever. Will do him good. Just make sure you get some downtime too. All this about being in each other´s pockets all the time...stifling.

TheCoffeeTableofDoom · 29/03/2023 09:04

If he is being helpful in every other way then I wouldn’t have a problem with him going. I had a dreadful first birth and it was also traumatising for my partner who thought we had died … a mutual friend with a few kids took him out for a pint to debrief and it was really helpful. You have your folks which is amazing . But do seek a debrief yourself too. You are not being unreasonable to look for support but your DH may need a quick break too

TheCoffeeTableofDoom · 29/03/2023 09:05

PS I had a fantastic second birth and two gorgeous kids now. Things do get better x

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 09:22

@Sapphire387 we say "I'm going to see X on X date" if we know the other doesn't have plans. Whoever makes the plans, the other one does childcare. I don't have to ask him to look after his own children.

Zitouna · 29/03/2023 09:33

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I completely get that you need him there for emotional support - it’s not that you need someone else to help with the baby, it’s help with you and your emotions/mental health which are most likely pretty fragile, particularly after a traumatic birth. A partner can do that in a way that your parents might not be able to.

i was very anxious about my DH going back to work and leaving me at home with my first. He got an appointment to donate blood in his second week back at work, that meant him leaving 45 mins early in the morning. I was a completely incredulous that he would arrange this totally discretionary thing, and made him cancel. Looking back, I can see that I probably had post partum anxiety/shock (not a traumatic birth, but it was early and v fast) - so wasn’t at my most rational - I basically just needed DH to physically be there at all possible times. We were also in the middle of moving house, and that added to the sense of insecurity (no settled home). The feeling wore off after a couple of months. I’m very chilled normally and didn’t feel the same after my second baby.

Basically, I think you’re well within your rights to ask DH to postpone for a few weeks, don’t feel bad about it.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 29/03/2023 09:44

Sapphire387

Oh lord, the 'cool wives' are out in force.

So when you use that expression, what actually do you mean by it?

Do you mean that these women don't really believe what they say - they are liars. Do you think that they say it in order to appear 'cool'? And if so, to whom and why?

Or do you mean that they are in some way honestly mistaken - just wrong - in which case what has 'cool' got to do with it?

Or is it some kind of irony, because you think that whatever they're saying is not 'cool' - in which case, whoever claimed it was? Certainly I've never seen any wives or mums suggest that they feel they're being cool. So it's not much of an insult is it?

Me, I think it means 'I disagree with you, but of course this issue all comes down to a difference in opinion, and rather than concede that difference, I'm just going to say something that sounds objectively critical although it actually means nothing at all'.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 09:46

I think YAB a bit U. Let your DH go out for dinner, it must be full on becoming a new parent and living with your inlaws. It gives me feelings ot dread just thinking about it and I would very much need to get away for a few hours.

that said, I get your are disappointed that he only took a week off. I would have been too. I don't know why it's socially accepted that men take no time off with their new borns. I wonder if it would have been different in a different living situation.

Congrats on your baby.

Golfdad · 29/03/2023 10:15

Well, about 2 weeks after my wife gave birth on one particular day I got up at 5 to let the wife sleep for a few hours while I looked after baby, started work (at home) at 9. Stopped to make a cooked lunch, did a nappy, cleared up, worked til 5, cooked a dinner with extras for the freezer, cleared up, bathed baby, nappy, poonami, another bath, then took the dog for a walk. Whilst on that dog walk I walked past a pub. It was cold and raining and I could see the open fire from the road, so I went in. I sank that single pint in 10 minutes and went straight home. Unfortunately the wife caught me on life360. You'd have thought I'd spent a month on Ibiza snorting drugs off strippers. I was the worst man alive, teary calls to the mother in law, my own mother was called, even threatened with social services.

That was terribly harsh on me, she wouldn't have blinked an eyelid if I'd have gone 10 minutes further with the dog.

The point to me recalling this incident is to illustrate that of course OP is being unreasonable from a rationale standpoint, but when you're sleep deprived, overwhelmed with new responsibility and traumatised, rationality and fairness go out the window.

I think the DH should be ok to go out, especially given that you're with the inlaws, but a bit of conversation around how you'll manage and mitigation on not getting drunk, not being too late etc. might make you feel better and more cared for.

Mumsanetta · 29/03/2023 10:27

bussteward · 29/03/2023 02:02

Fucking hell, these replies! It’s not unreasonable to want your husband around for a bit longer after any birth, let alone a pretty traumatic one.

Have you said this to him, OP? How is he with the baby generally? How is the baby – settled, or a raging dickhead in the evenings? And how are YOU?

This.

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:29

Spoke to DH. He apologised and said he genuinely didn't realise I needed him :( he assumed my parents were about and I'd be fine for help. But he understands it's him I need more than anything else.

OP posts:
WifeofEvelynHugo · 29/03/2023 10:32

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 08:43

Ohh give me a break. He is going out for something to eat for a couple of hours not a bloody stag weekend. You are living in your parents house so there will be THREE people to look after ONE baby for the 2 or so hours he is gone. He is a good dad, he is living with YOUR parents which must be hard and you object to him meeting a friend for a bite to eat 2 weeks after you give birth when you have all the support in the world? YABVVVVVU.

She is feeling vulnerable, and she has expressed she is hormonal, she has every reason to feel unsettled.

Your opinion is valid, but you could at the very least try to be empathetic in your advice, she doesn't need berating for wanting her husband with her.

WifeofEvelynHugo · 29/03/2023 10:33

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 10:29

Spoke to DH. He apologised and said he genuinely didn't realise I needed him :( he assumed my parents were about and I'd be fine for help. But he understands it's him I need more than anything else.

So pleased to read this x

Congratulations again on your new baby, I hope soon you begin to heal from the trauma and can focus solely on the beautiful life you have created.

xxxx