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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD has taken on way too many pets?

137 replies

ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 14:01

DD is 22 and moved out 2 years ago which is when she got her first cat, which I thought was quite nice for her as me and her dad personally never wanted animals while she has been a big animal lover. She later added another cat and has now taken in a puppy and older dog… I feel a bit sad for her.

Her disposable income is now going on these pets and she isn’t able to save and I feel like she was in a really good spot with a decent grad job where she could have been saving some. She rarely ever goes out with her friends now and isn’t particularly interested in dating and I know she is a bit stressed as she often forgets to call me and tells me she has been “too busy” and I ask in what way and it’s always just the pets.

I’ve reasssured her it’s not a bad decision to rehome if it feels too much and she has a go at me, but I’m just looking out for her. She says she will have more time when the puppy is older but I’m not convinced, that’s still 2 cats and 2 dogs and a huge tie at 22 as a solo person?

I realise it’s probably not my business but I am just worried

OP posts:
Littlebutload · 28/03/2023 14:05

I agree with you, it's a lot of responsibility for someone so young and limits her options for so many things. However its her choice so not much you can do about it.

LlamaFace19 · 28/03/2023 14:08

@Littlebutload she's 22, not 12. Some people have children at 22 (or even younger).

It does sound like a lot (I personally wouldn't want that many pets) but your DD is an adult so therefore it's none of your business.

Original poster
ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 14:14

She always said she wanted to do some travelling and when I mentioned it before the dogs she said but I already have the cats so I can’t be gone for months anyway and that if she does shorter breaks the dogs can be looked after my someone else.

I am really not a pet lover so I realise I could be a lot more negative about this than others but it just seems awfully hard work and as you say, big responsibility. She says she enjoys them keeping her busy and she gets out more with the dogs but it feels like that’s because she is forced to than because she wants to…

the only positive is I do think they keep her company but her cats already did that and I felt that was enough.

I told her that it will be more difficult when dating because someone else potentially taking on 4 animals is a huge negative and that upset her. I know she wants children one day and said what about that as the pets will still be alive and she said it will be better because they will be older and well established then but I’m not sure.

she works so hard and the fact she can’t even get a non broken nights sleep is just sad

OP posts:
RoseBucket · 28/03/2023 14:14

It’s not too much responsibility when you consider the responsible careers many 22 year olds have however what a bind, financially, socially and it restricts opportunities to travel etc.

Choconut · 28/03/2023 14:15

You've said your piece to her, there's no more that you can do, so I would leave it now. If you keep saying more it's only going to stress her more and won't be of help to the situation.

Puppies are really hard so maybe go round and commend her on how well she is doing with all the animals (assuming that's true). Try and be positive and supportive of what a committed and dedicated person she is rather than looking for the negatives.

pinkpotatoez · 28/03/2023 14:16

I have two cats, first thing I did when I moved out at 18. I've always had cats and love them so much but even then with just two cats it was very time consuming (luckily they were kittens during lockdown so had nothing else to do anyway). Now I have a child it makes everything 10x harder as I have more people/animals to clean up after, feed, entertain as they are indoor cats. But I wouldn't change it for the world, as long as she is prepared for it I don't see the problem, I don't have dogs though and I know you can't really go out much/leave the dogs indoors like you can a cat. Four animals depending on you sounds extreme but you said she loves animals so I'd leave her to it

Markasread · 28/03/2023 14:17

It does sound very settled for someone so young. But it may be making her very happy.

IkeNoNo · 28/03/2023 14:19

I told her that it will be more difficult when dating because someone else potentially taking on 4 animals is a huge negative and that upset her.

That was a bit of a shit thing to say OP. What was the point of saying it?

Many many people love animals and would be happy to date someone with cats and dogs.

2bazookas · 28/03/2023 14:21

Her money, funding her lifestyle, her choice.

ProbablyDogNappersHunX · 28/03/2023 14:22

I told her that it will be more difficult when dating

You're being a bit ridiculous at this point. I got my first dog when I was 25 and single. I had known for a long time that I wanted dogs, and wouldn't seek a relationship with someone who didn't want dogs. Actually having one in my life just meant that unsuitable potential partners filtered themselves out pronto and I didn't waste time on them.

I've got a long term DP and him and the dog adore each other.

She just needs to find someone who wants the same things she does - which is always the case in dating.

AlmostSummer21 · 28/03/2023 14:26

Just stop.

this is HER life, not a re run of yours.

It's not 'sad', it's her choice.

she's not 'forgetting' to ring you, or 'too busy' she just doesn't want to face more of your negativity & criticism of her choices, not even when you pretend to wrap it up in 'care & concern'

honestly, just stop, busy yourself with your own life & stop trying to control hers. You don't know best, she does. you're doing all kinds of damage to her, implying she doesn't know her own mind, needs to do xyz to be happy & abc as you know better.

I'm 54, my mum STILL carries on like this, then wonders why I don't tell her stuff & I don't call her regularly (she lives overseas, well technically I do I suppose) and it's not by accident.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 28/03/2023 14:28

She's probably making excuses as to why she doesn't talk to you. I bet it's because all you do is criticize her choices.

Vegemite001 · 28/03/2023 14:30

Oh god, you sound a bit like my mum! She goes on and on and on about how hard our lives are going to be when we get a puppy. And that it's not too late to change our minds. We know it'll be hard ... but we are grown ups, have a house and careers and children. Perfectly capable of making informed decisions.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 28/03/2023 14:30

Blimey, 22yo moves out of home, funds her own home and lifestyle and has a good grad job to boot and you're still pulling her to pieces because it's not the life you would have chosen.

She's an adult, let her adult - sounds like she's doing an ok job at it.

Original poster
ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 14:35

Oh I am very proud of her but I just think the pets thing could have come later. She knows I think she does well and I do admire her taking it all on and I do only say those things to her so she realises she can change her mind before the dogs get too settled.

And the conversations I have with her are helpful I think because she does then realise some things and will say things like well I’ve committed to them now and I wouldn’t have been happy until I experienced a dog. Which sounds quite negative for someone who truly wants this, that’s the only reason I’m still going on as don’t want her to feel like she is trapped.

the money that could have been saved is shocking

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 28/03/2023 14:37

It is a lot of responsibility yes......which she's chosen ir, and its doable. I mean, she could easily have a child instead!
She might be quite a stressed person in general anyway and find your chats good, but very stimulating. If she's quite insular it's likely that the pets bring her a great deal of comfort. Yes they're hard work but probably more rewarding than people atm. It's doesn't sound like she's at a stage where she can't cope. Be mindful how you phrase things. I feel your letting her know that if she had to remove a pet you'd understand. There's a subliminal judgement there and it's 'you cant look after them propely'. ...a bit like telling her you've noticed she's put weight on, but if she wanted gastric surgery you'd support her.
It's good though you're staying connected. Are you able to visit her, maybe take dogs for a walk and have lunch (Easter). This will give you a better sense of how she is than a frazzled phone call.

amylou8 · 28/03/2023 14:37

Is she happy and are the pets looked after properly? If so I'm not sure what the issue is. I spend more money feeding my 3 cats than I do myself. I prefer their company to any person. I'm aware that dogs are more responsibility than cats but maybe that's what she wants.

Newusernameaug · 28/03/2023 14:37

I agree about it being a lot of work - I also have 2 cats and 2 dogs and they all want plenty of my time and attention but i wouldn’t be without them either - however I don’t agree with the dating thing, for me it’s a really good indicator as if someone doesn’t like my pets they’re no good anyway 😂

KissesTasteLikeWhiskey · 28/03/2023 14:39

She sounds perfectly happy but you keep going on at her. Leave her alone.

Animals make some people very happy, including me. If someone told me to rehome them so I could travel or because I wasn’t phoning them enough, they’d be politely told to fuck off.

Original poster
ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 14:41

She is a very good owner and I’d say that’s half the problem, she stresses over them having the best and her doing the best and then she isn’t focusing on herself at all and then when she does it’s always an ambitious thing relating to a relationship/children or a country she wants to visit and I just remind her she has 4 pets. It’s not like I just go on and on all the time without any sort of prompt.

I think she does thrive off the responsibility as she loves doing all the meal planning and prep and puppy classes and other stuff BUT I’m just worried she sees that as great for the next couple years and isn’t thinking she has these for the next 15 or so

OP posts:
Catnuzzle · 28/03/2023 14:43

AlmostSummer21 · 28/03/2023 14:26

Just stop.

this is HER life, not a re run of yours.

It's not 'sad', it's her choice.

she's not 'forgetting' to ring you, or 'too busy' she just doesn't want to face more of your negativity & criticism of her choices, not even when you pretend to wrap it up in 'care & concern'

honestly, just stop, busy yourself with your own life & stop trying to control hers. You don't know best, she does. you're doing all kinds of damage to her, implying she doesn't know her own mind, needs to do xyz to be happy & abc as you know better.

I'm 54, my mum STILL carries on like this, then wonders why I don't tell her stuff & I don't call her regularly (she lives overseas, well technically I do I suppose) and it's not by accident.

This. In spades. She doesn't need you pointing anything out to her. She knows already. And yes it is to late to remove the animals she committed to, because they're hers now. Her money to spend how she wants, doesn't need your approval. She's making her own choices as an adult. And she's not forgetting to ring you, she genuinely doesn't want your input which is why she avoids calling.

KissesTasteLikeWhiskey · 28/03/2023 14:43

ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 14:35

Oh I am very proud of her but I just think the pets thing could have come later. She knows I think she does well and I do admire her taking it all on and I do only say those things to her so she realises she can change her mind before the dogs get too settled.

And the conversations I have with her are helpful I think because she does then realise some things and will say things like well I’ve committed to them now and I wouldn’t have been happy until I experienced a dog. Which sounds quite negative for someone who truly wants this, that’s the only reason I’m still going on as don’t want her to feel like she is trapped.

the money that could have been saved is shocking

No wonder she sounds negative though, you’re going on at her about decisions she had made and is taking responsibility for. That’s very straining for her I imagine.

And the money that could be saved? You aren’t an animal lover so you don’t get it. I don’t begrudge anything I spend on my animals, they’re a huge part of my life.

IkeNoNo · 28/03/2023 14:46

You sound very negative and critical. Stop commenting on her choices. The more you criticise her the less she'll want to talk to you.

Lastnamedidntstick · 28/03/2023 14:46

Pets are a good filter when dating. Gets rid of all the selfish knobbers pretty quickly.

I remember being told when I bought a flat at 21 it was a “big commitment” and what if I wanted to go travelling/met someone etc.

they we’re all wrong.

your dd might meet a lovely person who loves animals as much as she does and they bond over it. Who clearly has nurturing qualities and would be a great parent.

then you’d be wrong.

leave her alone.

i am lucky that my mum actually helps me out by taking care of my dog when I’m away, and I get a pet sitter for the cat/rodents.

maybe help her out a bit, you might find you like the animals.

anyone who doesn’t like animals is a psychopath

Ratatouille1 · 28/03/2023 14:46

Also if you are not a nightclub type dog ownership can be very sociable. You can meet lovely like minded people out dog walking , at agility classes etc. She might meet the man or woman of her dreams at dog training! (Or be very happy to stay single of course)