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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD has taken on way too many pets?

137 replies

ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 14:01

DD is 22 and moved out 2 years ago which is when she got her first cat, which I thought was quite nice for her as me and her dad personally never wanted animals while she has been a big animal lover. She later added another cat and has now taken in a puppy and older dog… I feel a bit sad for her.

Her disposable income is now going on these pets and she isn’t able to save and I feel like she was in a really good spot with a decent grad job where she could have been saving some. She rarely ever goes out with her friends now and isn’t particularly interested in dating and I know she is a bit stressed as she often forgets to call me and tells me she has been “too busy” and I ask in what way and it’s always just the pets.

I’ve reasssured her it’s not a bad decision to rehome if it feels too much and she has a go at me, but I’m just looking out for her. She says she will have more time when the puppy is older but I’m not convinced, that’s still 2 cats and 2 dogs and a huge tie at 22 as a solo person?

I realise it’s probably not my business but I am just worried

OP posts:
Chesneyhawkes1 · 28/03/2023 14:46

When I met my ex I had 3 dogs and 2 horses. Didn't stop me dating.

When I met my current husband I had 4 dogs and 3 horses.

What a strange thing to say to her.

Echobelly · 28/03/2023 14:47

Two dogs and cat isn't excessive - cats tbh hardly count in my book as, unless they have special health needs, they're very low maintenance. Plenty of people have two dogs and manage. Agree with PPs that it's her money to spend if she wants - and pets are at least a meaningful thing to spend on.

KissesTasteLikeWhiskey · 28/03/2023 14:47

ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 14:41

She is a very good owner and I’d say that’s half the problem, she stresses over them having the best and her doing the best and then she isn’t focusing on herself at all and then when she does it’s always an ambitious thing relating to a relationship/children or a country she wants to visit and I just remind her she has 4 pets. It’s not like I just go on and on all the time without any sort of prompt.

I think she does thrive off the responsibility as she loves doing all the meal planning and prep and puppy classes and other stuff BUT I’m just worried she sees that as great for the next couple years and isn’t thinking she has these for the next 15 or so

She knows. She doesn’t need you to tell her.

My friends mum is like this and she calls her the Prophet of Doom. She dreads her visiting and calling and avoids her where possible.

Let your daughter live her life, be supportive of her decisions. She sounds lovely, kind hardworking and independent. You could really damage your relationship if you continue.

Stugs · 28/03/2023 14:48

I had three dogs and two horses when I met dh. God knows why they didn't put him off

mrsjackrussell · 28/03/2023 14:48

Please stop worrying. Your daughter is an adult and capable of making her own decisions and her own mistakes.

My mum still goes on like this and I'm 49. It really gets me down and I keep my distance a lot. It makes me feel like a child and an idiot that can't make their own decisions. It erodes your confidence. Don't underestimate how your daughter may be feeling.

Luckily I have learned from this and did the opposite with my children. They are very independent and confident.

WildAloofRebel · 28/03/2023 14:49

It would be a lot for me. I have 3 kids but at least they come on holiday with us and grow out of the needing help with every poo phase.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/03/2023 14:50

I think you need to stop being sad for her - and she is probably very aware that you are sad for her and consider her life to be a bit sad. You should also stop gently suggesting she re-home her animals, and please stop sighing that she isn't actively chasing a relationship, letting her know that you are sad that she is not in a relationship, and telling her that her animals will stand between her and having children (and a husband) in the future. She is 22 years old, she is working things out as a 22 year old should be, and she wants different things from you, at least for now.

Also be aware that when she says she is "too busy" to call you, she probably procrastinates calling because she feels a little bit worse after talking to you and having you undermine her choices and let her know you don't think she is failing in some way. She would call you more often if you could relax and stop telling her to be different.

HamBone · 28/03/2023 14:57

Well, if she finds that she’s unable to do what she wants to due to her pets, like travelling or socializing as much as she’d like, she’ll have to work out a solution.

You can’t control this situation, OP, she’s an adult now. You’ve voiced your concerns, now leave it.

Boltonb · 28/03/2023 14:57

Yep, agree with PPs - she’s not too busy to call you, she just chooses not to because you’re judgmental and negative.

It’s none of your business how she chooses to spend her time or money. You wouldn’t allow her a pet, maybe she’s overcompensating now with 4 pets, but it’s STILL none of your business.

Are you very lonely/bored? Can you find something to occupy yourself instead of criticising your daughter and her choices as your main hobby?

Konfetka · 28/03/2023 14:57

You got it right in your OP: It's not your business.
And besides, you and her dad never wanting animals is what sounds sad to me.

IngGenius · 28/03/2023 15:02

Dont feel sad for her! I feel sad for you that you do not have the joy of pet ownership.

I went to uni dog less and at the end of my three years had rescued 4 dogs.

I changed my degree to include an animal msc and not looked back. To help you out I also meet my future husband through my animals.

My social life was different to some students but I had the best time.

Pets enhance many peoples lives and not hinder them as you think.

She can have a very active social live if involved with dogs .

Puppies and dogs can be hard work at first.

If you really care maybe offer to give her an evening off rather than just criticise her life decisions

Nevermind31 · 28/03/2023 15:05

Her life, her choice. But… does she have enough space for the animals? Does she work from home or are they left by themselves? If she is in rented accommodation it could be difficult to find a home for all of them. Is she safe taking the dogs out at night?

Original poster
ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 15:12

She does rent which worries me a bit if she can for some reason not stay in her property as I’m sure it’s awfully hard finding somewhere that would be as relaxed as her current place and that’s something she has said she can’t think of a solution for because she would ideally want to stay put for a very long time and I’ve told her it may not work out that way and she says she doesn’t know what to say to me apart from home to find somewhere else that will accept them. That seems a worry.

she works physically at work 3 hours a day and the rest of the day is at home, so it’s quite a good job for pets but the job doesn’t have much quick progression and she did say she would consider moving jobs in a couple years but I doubt she will find one suitable for the pets… so again, another major tie in her career.

that’s the thing she has started puppy classes and said she wants to get into camping/boating/hiking which sounds nice but I don’t think she would actually have the time for that? So I’m not sure where those activities are going to come in, even if she can do it with the dogs…

I know I’m negative but she is my only child and I deeply worry about her and honestly she is my life, I do constantly think of if she is ok.

I will try and not mention the pets anymore going forward though as I don’t want our relationship to be broken

OP posts:
TedMullins · 28/03/2023 15:13

All of the things you mention – money, lack of free time, the commitment, limitations on work and travel – apply to children as well but I bet you wouldn't be saying this to her if she'd had a kid. Leave her alone! It's her life. You don't see the appeal of having pets and she does. Your observations and opinions come from a very different starting point to her. You're probably becoming incredibly irritating for her.

TeenDivided · 28/03/2023 15:16

I can see my DD being like her in a few years time, given half a chance.
If she was she'd be as happy as Larry (whoever he is).

Squamata · 28/03/2023 15:18

I'd just leave her to it. If she met the love of her life and wanted to travel the world, tbh she could rehome the animals within a week or so. Maybe not the most responsible course of action but it would be possible.

I don't think you hectoring her about it will achieve anything. Let her make her own choices.

CoalCraft · 28/03/2023 15:19

You sound very over-invested. It must be quite draining for her.

EllieM27 · 28/03/2023 15:20

If you deny your animal-loving child the opportunity to have pets, the first thing they will do when they become independent is get a bunch of pets. They are making up for the hole they felt growing up without something that they have such an affinity for and that adds so much fulfillment to their lives. I’ve seen it many times, including with myself.

HamBone · 28/03/2023 15:21

Exactly, @Squamata , if she finds the responsibility is too much for her/not what she wants, she’ll figure out a way to sort things out.

Far better that she makes her own decisions than you nagging at her, OP, you’ll just end up being blamed if she later regrets anything.

HamBone · 28/03/2023 15:23

@EllieM27 I don’t think that’s universally true. I wasn’t allowed a dog growing up but I didn’t end up getting one until my 40’s.

I love him dearly, but tbh, we won’t get another one when he passes away.

LlynTegid · 28/03/2023 15:24

I think it's a large responsibility at any age.

PinkSyCo · 28/03/2023 15:25

Your daughter sounds like a very caring, lovely young woman and her pets obviously bring her a lot of joy. Leave her alone.

Stugs · 28/03/2023 15:28

ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 15:12

She does rent which worries me a bit if she can for some reason not stay in her property as I’m sure it’s awfully hard finding somewhere that would be as relaxed as her current place and that’s something she has said she can’t think of a solution for because she would ideally want to stay put for a very long time and I’ve told her it may not work out that way and she says she doesn’t know what to say to me apart from home to find somewhere else that will accept them. That seems a worry.

she works physically at work 3 hours a day and the rest of the day is at home, so it’s quite a good job for pets but the job doesn’t have much quick progression and she did say she would consider moving jobs in a couple years but I doubt she will find one suitable for the pets… so again, another major tie in her career.

that’s the thing she has started puppy classes and said she wants to get into camping/boating/hiking which sounds nice but I don’t think she would actually have the time for that? So I’m not sure where those activities are going to come in, even if she can do it with the dogs…

I know I’m negative but she is my only child and I deeply worry about her and honestly she is my life, I do constantly think of if she is ok.

I will try and not mention the pets anymore going forward though as I don’t want our relationship to be broken

Love what you have in front of you OP, not what you imagine is there.

Justlovedogs · 28/03/2023 15:29

Leave her alone. She's an adult. She can make her own choices and, in some cases, mistakes. The pets keep her busy? So what. Oh, it means she doesn't call you as often as you'd like? So what. Your problem, not hers. You're not a pet person, she is. I've had dogs for the past 30 years or so. Yes, they are a tie and take up time but you make adjustments. If I didn't want to adjust I wouldn't have them. Your daughter has them and will adjust because she wants to. She might have pets forever, might not, but it's her call - not yours!

RichardHeed · 28/03/2023 15:29

she's not 'forgetting' to ring you, or 'too busy' she just doesn't want to face more of your negativity & criticism of her choices, not even when you pretend to wrap it up in 'care & concern'

I have to agree with this. I feel drained reading OPs updates, I can’t imagine how the daughter is feeling after these calls and the nagging over stuff that has absolutely no concern of OPs.

Then pair it with this

honestly she is my life, I do constantly think of if she is ok.

You need a hobby that doesn’t involve criticising everything your daughter does.