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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD has taken on way too many pets?

137 replies

ImBusyWondering · 28/03/2023 14:01

DD is 22 and moved out 2 years ago which is when she got her first cat, which I thought was quite nice for her as me and her dad personally never wanted animals while she has been a big animal lover. She later added another cat and has now taken in a puppy and older dog… I feel a bit sad for her.

Her disposable income is now going on these pets and she isn’t able to save and I feel like she was in a really good spot with a decent grad job where she could have been saving some. She rarely ever goes out with her friends now and isn’t particularly interested in dating and I know she is a bit stressed as she often forgets to call me and tells me she has been “too busy” and I ask in what way and it’s always just the pets.

I’ve reasssured her it’s not a bad decision to rehome if it feels too much and she has a go at me, but I’m just looking out for her. She says she will have more time when the puppy is older but I’m not convinced, that’s still 2 cats and 2 dogs and a huge tie at 22 as a solo person?

I realise it’s probably not my business but I am just worried

OP posts:
penelopepea · 28/03/2023 15:34

Agree with all these responses. OP you're infantilising your daughter; she's an adult, not an extension of you. She sounds lovely and perhaps more of an introvert than you? So being at home caring for her pets makes her happy. Please stop 'worrying' as you'll drive her away.

EllieM27 · 28/03/2023 15:36

Kindly, someone who would have liked a pet as a child but didn’t get one until their 40s and isn’t bothered about having another is very different from the type of person I referred to.

KissesTasteLikeWhiskey · 28/03/2023 15:44

She can’t be your whole life. She’s an adult. You need to find other things to fill your time and that may help with all the worries you have.

Your daughter does sound lovely and you do sound like a caring mum but you need to stop with the doom and gloom and what might go wrong. You will drive her away if it continues.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 28/03/2023 15:44

I am really not a pet lover

^ You don't say, OP? I wouldn't have guessed.

Anyway, back to your opinion of your DD - how many pets she has now she is not living under your roof is none of your business.

FrozenGhost · 28/03/2023 15:44

honestly she is my life, I do constantly think of if she is ok.

I mean this kindly OP because I can tell your heart is in the right place, but don't you think it's ironic that you wish your dd had a hobby that wasn't fussing over pets, meanwhile your hobby is fussing over her. If you think travel, partying, romance, promotions at work, etc, are all so wonderful then get out and do it yourself.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 28/03/2023 15:47

Oh, and OP, I wasn't allowed pets as a child.
I shared DHs much-loved cat once I moved in with him. I shed more tears when she died than I did when my arse of a mother died.

headache · 28/03/2023 15:52

I had 3 cats by the age of 24 in rented accommodation I remember my Mum getting into me about them and then getting told I would have to get rid of them when I was pregnant. Those cats lived a great long life with my children growing up and when they died we’ve now got four more (and a lot more pets besides) my children love animals just as much as me now.

your daughter is an adult allow her to live her own life

Dressshelp · 28/03/2023 15:54

Honestly, please listen to what everyone is saying - you sound like my mum, and I am also “too busy” to call her!

Your daughter sounds amazing - she has a great job, great home, clearly really kind and caring. Just because she’s made choices you wouldn’t have doesn’t make them wrong! You need to back off, because your negativity and inability to let her live her life will push her away.

For the record I have 2 cats and 2 dogs (and chickens and 5 kids to be fair!) but it’s NOT as bad as you are making out! The cats are very self sufficient, and the dogs work their way in to your lifestyle. Also, dog walking can be incredibly social!

beAsensible1 · 28/03/2023 15:58

OP i agree with your 4 pets at 22 is a big task especially alone. Its ok to voice your worries, but i think its probably enough she knows and wether she agrees with your or not she'd never say!

best to leave it and be supportive in general as there's not much to be done about it now. You're right about the partner thing as well it might put a few people off, i definitely wouldn't but i'm sure there are some great animal lovers who would.

GodspeedJune · 28/03/2023 15:58

I think I had two cats and two dogs at her age. Plus a handful of rabbits. I loved it and have no regrets.

I had three dogs and four cats when I was dating and subsequently met my DP. I didn’t have any dates who went running for the hills. In fact I found it a good filter, as the men who were nice to my pets turned out to be kind and decent.

AppallinglyReheated · 28/03/2023 16:00

I reckon theres a direct correlation between 'too busy' to call you and the fact you keep telling her to rehome her pets, reminding her she can't do xyz because of the pets...

I had three dogs and a cat at her age, 20 years later I have three dogs, a bunch of frogs and tropical fish... and a partner of 17 years, my own home and savings in the bank.

She may not want the life you think she should have!

vodkaredbullgirl · 28/03/2023 16:01

Her choice.

Isheabastard · 28/03/2023 16:03

If you are a natural animal lover, you just can’t help it, that love and need to have animals in your life is in your DNA.

I have an only Dd and I know how much I love her. Why don’t you take the opportunity to bond with her more not less? A lot of people who don’t particularly like cats and dogs can get won over when they actually spend time with them.

I don’t particularly like babies and toddlers, but I know I’ll be first to offer help when the time comes.

Offer to help your daughter with her pets as and when you can. She will love you more because she knows you are doing this for her not them. It’s possible that when you start helping her more, you will start worrying about her less.

Chias · 28/03/2023 16:05

You say the pets are tying her down but some people don’t mind that. There are far worse things people can, and often do, spend their money. She wouldn’t be happy with someone who wasn’t an animal lover, so the dating thing should be fine.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/03/2023 16:07

It's such a pity you aren't a pet person, OP! If you were, a pet would be fabulous for giving you another focus in life and might help stop the fretting and picking and ruminating.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 28/03/2023 16:07

I had three cats, a dog, three rats and a newborn baby as a single parent when I was 22 OP. Not to mention a mortgage.

I was fine, the baby was fine, the pets were fine, everything was fine.

Crazyshihtzulady · 28/03/2023 16:15

EllieM27 · 28/03/2023 15:36

Kindly, someone who would have liked a pet as a child but didn’t get one until their 40s and isn’t bothered about having another is very different from the type of person I referred to.

Absolutely! I thought the same thing, if you say "Oh I love my dog but wouldn't get another one when he passes" you're clearly not enjoying the experience and find it a bit of a drag.

I wasn't allowed pets as a kid either and was brought up to believe animals were "dirty"...stepdad hated animals...(not a very nice person all round...).

I now have 2 dogs and a cat and can't imagine life without animals now.

HamBone · 28/03/2023 16:15

@EllieM27 I think I misinterpreted your first post, I thought you were implying that parents who decide not to have pets were somehow damaging their children ( if the children like or want pets). I don’t agree with that, as not every parent can afford or look after pets.

HamBone · 28/03/2023 16:16

@Crazyshihtzulady Not at all, our dog has been a joy and added a lot to our lives. But as I said up

Crazyshihtzulady · 28/03/2023 16:17

Sounds like she's chosen animals to spend her time with.

So much easier than humans to be fair.

I bet she's happy as a pig in shit (and I mean that in a good way!)

My parents always belittled anything I wanted to do and it really affected my confidence and decision making because I doubted myself so much due to constant nagging...

Just leave it alone.

CheshireCats · 28/03/2023 16:17

Jeez, Op, your posts are draining. Your poor DD probably feels smothered by your negativity regarding her life.
You feel sad for her?? That she has pets she loves and that enrich her life? I'm not surprised she's "too busy" to ring you. You are probably pushing her away.

xogossipgirlxo · 28/03/2023 16:20

When we took 2nd cat, my mum behaved awfully. She only annoyed me and I didn't speak to her for few months. I never complained to her about cost etc., but she was going on and on how much responsibility cats are, how much it's going to cost us etc. I never borrowed a penny from her. I can only imagine what her and my dad were talking behind my back. She was talking rubbish to me that pets won't substitute family etc. She was never pet person, just like you. Sister and I always begged for cat or dog and never got any, so I'm adult now and do what I want. YABU.

HamBone · 28/03/2023 16:21

*upthread, not every parent can afford or look after pets. We’ll miss having a dog, but we have to be realistic.

xogossipgirlxo · 28/03/2023 16:22

CheshireCats · 28/03/2023 16:17

Jeez, Op, your posts are draining. Your poor DD probably feels smothered by your negativity regarding her life.
You feel sad for her?? That she has pets she loves and that enrich her life? I'm not surprised she's "too busy" to ring you. You are probably pushing her away.

Yep, I'm always "too busy" to ring my mum! I'm just fed up of her constantly lacking confidence in me or my husband, or trying to tell us how we're supposed to live.

MrNook · 28/03/2023 16:24

I had 4 cats and a baby at 21 and managed just fine. She's happy and it's not anything to do with you, comments to her about dating aren't helpful, leave her alone.

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