People assuming new fathers are a bit useless

[AlmostaMamma]

Has anyone else noticed this?

I’m currently extremely pregnant and the comments from friends/family/acquaintances/colleagues regarding having a newborn have been fascinating.

“You’ll want to batch cook, as you won’t be able to cook anything for the first few weeks.”

“Make sure you stock up on XYZ, as you won’t be feeling up to doing any laundry.”

“You won’t be feeling up to any housework, but you’ll be too tired to notice the mess.”

Also lots of stuff about having to deal with everything for the newborn by myself.

I have a husband. He’s a competent adult (I wouldn’t have married him otherwise) who is capable of household chores and generally does more of them than I do. This will not change post birth. And, apart from me being the one who breastfeeds, we’re going to be splitting infant care pretty evenly.

It’s 2023, so presumably this isn’t a massively unusual state of affairs. So why do people say this nonsense? It was mildly amusing to begin with, but it’s starting to make me tetchy.

Oh & my DH was a great dad & hubby but he was simply not around most of the week as he was at work. So I just had to get on with it. All my family lived 130 miles away. Dh family lived 20 min drive away but his Mum is severley disabled & his DF was still working FT then anyway and was MIL carer anyway. If you've had offers of help then bloody take them! I had no one offering to batch cook for me! Only made good post-natal friends when my DD was 5 weeks old+ so those early weeks were just really, really bleak & not what I imagined at all. Nothing to do with how I felt my DH was managing as a new Dad but totally focused on how I felt I was failing as a new Mum.

Yes this. The comments you are getting aren’t suggesting your DH is useless. Just that he’ll be just as knackered as you are. My DH took paternity for 2 weeks when both kids were born. We tried taking turns at night during that two weeks. First time round I tried BF then went on to expressing so he was up feeding whilst I expressed more. He was pretty shattered for those 2 weeks as we were dealing with a baby with cows milk protein allergy and reflux both undiagnosed at that point!! Lots of screaming.

Once he went back to work I was the one getting up during the night as he seemed to sleep through the crying but on weekends he did sometimes just disappear out with the pram when he was up on a morning so I could get some extra sleep. He was shattered too. He worked 12 hour shifts so was pretty tired when he came home. He meal prepped sometimes for his packed lunches.

You have time to comment ten times, but not to read the OP’s comments, so your comments are relevant to the matter being discussed?

Okay. 😂

I’m a mother. There’s nothing idealistic about expecting your partner to do household chores and his share of childcare. It’s unfortunate if that hasn’t been your experience, but it’s certainly been mine.

Interestingly, I see, the OP has posted a thread only a month or so ago asking for tips regarding what to expect:

"It might be something about giving birth, a seemingly inane life tip, or a life changing realisation you’ve had since becoming a mum, but please share."

So, tips are okay in one context, but not in another, apparently.

😂

@2023a

Yes because funnily enough, reading one comment takes significantly less time than reading 67. I mean, I know that's an absolute revelation, but there you go.

And yes my comment is relevant. To the OP.

Yes, probably because she never expected those tips to be "prepare for a life of doing everything yourself or nothing getting done because your formerly helpful and normal partner will turn into a dick who never lifts a finger and hey what do you expect cos men, you know, that's what they're all like".

And she's rightly pissed off at that assumption. Not at the idea life will be harder, not that batch cooking isn't a good idea, not that the idea that fewer things will get done overall, but that it will automatically go to shit because men don't cook, clean and wash clothes.

Reading this again perhaps I just haven’t experienced the comments OP has been receiving? I don’t think anyone particularly felt Dh wasn’t able to cope with housework.

I still don’t see why anyone would be pissed off at that assumption when their partner doesn’t fit that stereotype. Just feel sorry for those women whose partners do.

I know what you mean, and those comments are frustrating. I know being heavily pregnant can be a very delicate place emotionally, but if you can, I'd try to believe those comments are coming from a place of caring - they just want the best for you. And a lot of women from generations before us won't have had husbands who were true partners in child rearing, and so are truly speaking from their own experience.

I think it can be quite hard for them - my mum, for example...I don't think she realised how hard she had it raising 6 children with a virtually non existant husband (breadwinner, working away lots) until she saw how hard I found 2 small children, even with a supportive husband. Its lead to several comments like youre talking about, but more lately after some self reflection, she's realising the reality of her own situation. So although it seems like "I'm lucky," because my husband is supportive, and I'm thinking, "I'm not f%@#ing lucky, I chose him based on these traits"......actually men have changed a lot (still not perfect lol) but the chances of finding a man like how you desribe your DH are much higher now.

I hope that makes sense...my two kids are 3&6 and I'm still hella exhausted!! But good luck to you as you start this parenthood journey with a wonderful, supportive partner! It's certainly given me a new appreciation for people who raise children on their own.

It's certainly given me a new appreciation for people who raise children on their own.

Strangely it’s easier. You just do everything, you don’t have to negotiate, resent, even give headspace to who’s doing what and how much. You’re in complete control. If the place is a tip it’s your own fault. I found it totally liberating.

@Blossomtoes very good point, i bet that's true for lots of people!!

You do sound angry. I don't think I read any posts that said that.

You do sound angry. I don't think I read any posts that said that.
That's literally what the opening post and the whole point of the thread was. Annoyance at the assumption men are shit and should be expected to be shit. It's right there in the title.

Both parents are utterly useless at the start. Noone has a clue what they are doing

I read it more as people saying you may both be overwhelmed.

Many men do run for the hills/hide out at the office in post-birth overwhelm/and the shock of lack of sleep, though.

I disagree. I come from a massive family and am in the middle so grew up around babies, watched my aunt pump breastmilk, changed nappies, did feeds, etc. When I had my oldest, there was a bit of nerves around nursing but everything else I had already done previously. My DH was quite anxious, due to the horrendous care I had during my last trimester and during labour. I eased him along and once our oldest was about five months he was more comfortable and able to have him for three to four hours.

Does it also take less time than writing multiple comments and then coming back the next day and writing more?

The sort of person who point blank refuses to read the OP’s comments but still wants to chunter on always baffles me. Why?

Yes, most things are okay in one context and not in another. Tips one asks for are generally welcome. Tips one did not ask for are not. This is surprising information to you? 😂

@2023a

Yes, in answer to your question, it takes significantly less time than to post a few comments than to read and digest 67 posts.

And who appointed you as the thread monitor? Am I not entitled to post whatever I like, whenever I like, as you are doing? I haven't broken any talk guidelines, as far as I'm aware. So what's the issue?

And I stand my original comment. I am not "chuntering" on. I made a valid point - the OP's title does not fit with the examples she then provided in her OP, IMO. I don't need to read the subsequent 66 posts to make a point about the parts I have read - ie the title and the OP.

Hopefully that's OK with you, Thread Monitor. 👍🏻

Tips one asks for are generally welcome. Tips one did not ask for are not.

How does that work? You don’t know what you don’t know.

Haha, speak for yourself!! 😂

It's a baby, not rocket science. And there are a books, the internet and other parents who can advise if needed. Inexperienced, sure, learning curve - absolutely, but I didn't feel (and wasn't) 'utterly useless ' without a clue. Most parents aren't, or at least know where to get the information they need.

Even if they are clueless at parenting then there's no excuse for being unable to do laundry or cooking.

You can post what you like, but so can I. I haven’t broken any guidelines, either. You make comments and other commenters will tell you what they think of them.

You haven’t posted ‘a few’ comments. You’ve posted a lot, and then come back and posted more. Yet staunchly refuse to make the small amount of effort required to properly engage. It’s unhelpful and not very pleasant.

You also know you don’t have to comment, right? If the Herculean effort of reading (and digesting) OP posts is beyond you, you can just move on.

How does it work to welcome info one has asked for, but not welcome Aunty Doris or Jane from Accounts randomly giving you tips you didn’t? Seems pretty straightforward to me.

If I post a thread asking for fashion advice, it doesn’t mean I want people randomly coming up to me irl and saying ‘you shouldn’t wear stripes, they are very unflattering’.