People assuming new fathers are a bit useless

[AlmostaMamma]

Has anyone else noticed this?

I’m currently extremely pregnant and the comments from friends/family/acquaintances/colleagues regarding having a newborn have been fascinating.

“You’ll want to batch cook, as you won’t be able to cook anything for the first few weeks.”

“Make sure you stock up on XYZ, as you won’t be feeling up to doing any laundry.”

“You won’t be feeling up to any housework, but you’ll be too tired to notice the mess.”

Also lots of stuff about having to deal with everything for the newborn by myself.

I have a husband. He’s a competent adult (I wouldn’t have married him otherwise) who is capable of household chores and generally does more of them than I do. This will not change post birth. And, apart from me being the one who breastfeeds, we’re going to be splitting infant care pretty evenly.

It’s 2023, so presumably this isn’t a massively unusual state of affairs. So why do people say this nonsense? It was mildly amusing to begin with, but it’s starting to make me tetchy.

You don’t get why people assuming your partner is useless would be irritating? Really? You would be fine with that? Most people wouldn’t.

And a man doing his share of chores makes him a ‘paragon of a partner’ to you? That’s…sad.

@DappledThings It's not about being a shit partner. People have differing opinions now on the role of men and women in the house, but the way things were (and often are still) divided was that the woman worked at home, and the man worked out of the home and provided financially for the family. He wasn't "shit" because he didn't do the dishes. It was seen as fair.

No I don’t see why it would be irritating. It would make me feel pretty smug actually.

@2023a None of the OP's comments have anything to do with child rearing? Not one?

The original post states:
"And, apart from me being the one who breastfeeds, we’re going to be splitting infant care pretty evenly."

HTH

So what, though? Unsolicited advice can still be sexist and inaccurate for some of us even if it’s reflective of history or these women’s reality. And it can still be irritating.

Nobody is ‘offended’ apart from you and a handful of other posters. Not quite sure what you’re offended about, though.

That's as maybe. But anyone now who assumes a man on parental leave won't be doing his fair share of cleaning and cooking should have that assumption challenged. Because it's ridiculous.

Clearly it isn’t ridiculous at all because it’s pretty much a universal experience.

A comment about how they intend to split infant care during paternity/maternity leave is somehow an opinion on how other people rear their children? Are you okay?

If people assuming your partner is useless would make you feel smug, I suspect you’re an outlier. It would irritate me very much.

“You’ll want to batch cook, as you won’t be able to cook anything for the first few weeks.”

“Make sure you stock up on XYZ, as you won’t be feeling up to doing any laundry.”

“You won’t be feeling up to any housework, but you’ll be too tired to notice the mess.”

None of these are offensive comments. These are nice well-meaning women, the OP has said so herself. They are speaking from their own, and no doubt observation of their friends' and other family members', experience. They are merely trying to offer helpful suggestions, which can of course be irritating. She's choosing however to flame off into the sky on a jet of righteous fury, as if it is some sort of comment on her poor DH, or her choice of partner. As if these cautions are purely born out of other women, unlike her, making a poor choice.

You don't think it's ridiculous to assume that a man will not do any laundry while he's on leave?

I mean there's a low bar and then there's subterranean.

Clearly it isn’t ridiculous at all because it’s pretty much a universal experience.

if it is they're obvs shit partners then? and I'll comment on that all day and night.

As it happens mine, and the couple of our friends who also did it, did as much and more of the household stuff than i did (because our DC were a bit older and one started nursery during his tenure) and cooking, cleaning, washing and going out with the DCs. Mostly because i had never had anything to do with babies/children and he has a billion siblings all with children that he grew up around.

and why is it a "universal experience" anyway? Partly because people don't call it for the tripe it is? if people think that's "normal" and they never hear that it's stupid, they will have no incentive, or model, for change.

@2023a

You said that none of the OP's comments have been about child rearing.

She has talked about how they will be splitting infant care evenly. That's...about child rearing?

I just find it smug that the OP is so sure that knows what kind of partner and parent her OH is going to be before he actually is one.

Anyway, I'm going to leave it now because this thread is going around in circles and if the OP is challenging what she is being told in real life anyway, I don't actually understand what the problem is.

You’re being rather ridiculous, now.

You’re being rather ridiculous, now.

In what way? Read the actual thread.

She has talked about how they will be splitting infant care evenly.

Yup, that’s what they plan to do. Nothing wrong with that.

I just find it smug that the OP is so sure that knows what kind of partner and parent her OH is going to be before he actually is one.

Indeed, making plans for how you’ll care for your newborn is so smug. As is basing those plans on your life partner not suddenly having a personality transplant.

Some of the things being said on this thread are quite mad.

I think you need to read the actual thread. No fury from OP, multiple clear statements as to how/why/what the sexist element is (note, nothing to do with hatch cooking) and she has expressed no interest in the choices other women have made.

Lots of this has been said in direct response to you, in fact. You’ve disregarded it all and seem determined to attack straw men. Ridiculous in that way.

as I’ve said repeatedly I was responding to this and another poster who were suggesting I couldn’t possibly find three months at home not working with a small baby and another adult a holiday and did I have the audacity to think 12 months maternity leave was a holiday. To which I responded that I would find three months easy and 12 with both home a joy, because what would make it a fun time for me would be us both being there. In my case getting food sorted (I’d suggest large cakes for visitors of which there are usually lots, and biscuits. Helps the hungry late night feed too).

Honestly my 80 year old uncles do housework and cared for their own babies, your equal parenting is I think the norm.

And I’ve said repeatedly that wasn’t what I was asking. You’ve chosen not to answer my actual question.

Expressed no interest in the choices other women have made? She has directly slammed them for their inferior choices.

"The men they picked aren’t my problem. Things will be equitable in my relationship because things are equitable in my relationship."

"And my choice of partner was excellent. I’m sorry if that winds you up, but it’s the reality."

"The men who have given themselves said reputation have nothing to do with me, my husband and our childrearing."

And while you may not pick up on tone and emotional energy in print, even the OP has described herself as "tetchy" and "easily aggrieved". Which is putting it mildly.

Ask me again in different words @2023a and I’ll attempt to answer. I’m sorry I was obviously not clear enough.

@AlmostaMamma I didn't say 3 months was excessive my dh got 2 weeks paid paternity. I'd have loved him to have longer off

A lot of men only get two weeks paid so it probably feels they're useless when they're at work and not helping when the woman is left at home. that's the patriarchy of U.K. law shining through though and not women! It was bloody useless as our baby slept through he the first two weeks the shit hit the fan thereafter and a lot of women including myself were left to deal with it! Where are all the men crying out it's not enough paternity leave? I can't hear them 😂

Men being forced back to work after two weeks does mean they don't even see some of the grunt involved and there have been cases of women complaining when the men act like their wives have it so good being home all day when in fact it's bloody hard for some being alone with a newborn all day everyday! You're taking a generalisation and trying to apply it to your situation. Stereotypes do come from somewhere. They do exist. All the best with your baby.

All of those statements are literally saying she doesn’t care what other do or choose (in response to direct questions or statements, so she didn’t even bring them up). So, yes, expressed no interest. It’s interesting that you interpret ‘that’s not my problem’ and ‘that has nothing to do with me’ as ‘directly slamming’ other women for their inferior choices.

The issue here is you. And OP’s tone is very balanced. Yours really isn’t.

You think three months paternity is humongous and a holiday.

Do you think 12 months maternity is humongous and a holiday. Not two patents off for 12 months, the reality of standard maternity leave for the mother. Is that humongous? Is it a holiday?

If it’s not, then why is three months paternity a holiday?

If you say so.

I do look forward to the promised update in six months, when the world's first ever parent reports back on the realities these offending commenters tried to help smoothe out with their well-meaning advice.

As I said in my first post (not well-received by OP):

You'd almost think they have more life experience than you.