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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 27/03/2023 21:25

She doesn't let you see your GC? Why doesn't your son arrange something?

CDiamond · 27/03/2023 21:26

OP, why dont you go to that nice fancy place with just your DH and go elsewhere child friendly with your DS's family? That would be the reasonable thing to do. Dont be a dick.

reluctantbrit · 27/03/2023 21:26

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

You may be surprised.

My MIL turned 70 when DD was 15 months, DD was the only child and it was a lunch all the way until time ofr afternoon tea.

She managed without any issues, books, colouring, small, not noisy toys (between meal and tea).

I would hope that also your DS would entertain your DGD, it's hardly just the mum's job.

Vivi0 · 27/03/2023 21:27

I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy

Will your DIL be the only adult interacting with your granddaughter then?

Don’t you think your son will be interacting with his own child or, considering you say you wish you could be closer to your grandchild, perhaps you could interact with her a little too?

Meandfour · 27/03/2023 21:28

Ivesaidenough · 27/03/2023 21:06

Ha! My PIL did this when their first grandchild was born. Came to "see" him, then looked at DP and said, shall we go for lunch to celebrate? And off they all popped. Leaving me in the delivery room, with a sandwich, my older child and a newborn.
Our relationship isn't the closest.

With your partner or your PIL? They all seem utter twats tbh, I’d have been furious had my husband deemed that in any way appropriate! Hope he is an ex!!

BungleandGeorge · 27/03/2023 21:28

My parents would help with keeping the grandchildren happy during a meal- they enjoyed spending the time with the gc! It really sounds like you’d be better having a posh meal as a couple (pretty usual for an anniversary) and another meal with the family. Or just have them round for a takeaway or get a chef come to
your house if you want something more special. You won’t have to spend so much effort entertaining the child as she can bring toys etc

JenniferBarkley · 27/03/2023 21:28

Most four year olds don't take too much work over lunch. Hopefully your son will be doing half the (minimal) work. You may even interact with her yourself.

TheChoiceIsYours · 27/03/2023 21:30

If you want to improve your relationship with DiL and as a result see more of DGD then uninviting them to a meal you’ve already invited them to wouldn’t seem like the best idea…?!

How about reaching out to DiL to express how much you want to all be able to enjoy the meal together as a family and that on reflections you’re worried you might have chosen somewhere not very child friendly - and ask her if she thinks DGD will be ok or if she can suggest anywhere that she thinks might work better. Is there anything you could bring to help entertain DGD etc?

Demonstrate that you care about her and value her as part of the family and you might be surprised how much your relationship improves. From what you’ve said so far it’s not a huge leap to imagine why she’s perhaps not that close to you…

CDiamond · 27/03/2023 21:30

Actually OP, why do you assume it should be DIL who stays back and baby sits? Maybe she should go to lunch with you and DH, whilst your DS stays at home with the DGD. If this sounds ridiculous, its no more ridiculous than what you are suggesting.

Bananagirl23 · 27/03/2023 21:31

Why don’t you step in and do something with your only GC during the meal? You don’t sound very interested in her

TheChoiceIsYours · 27/03/2023 21:31

Ivesaidenough · 27/03/2023 21:06

Ha! My PIL did this when their first grandchild was born. Came to "see" him, then looked at DP and said, shall we go for lunch to celebrate? And off they all popped. Leaving me in the delivery room, with a sandwich, my older child and a newborn.
Our relationship isn't the closest.

And…you stayed with that man? I mean, that’s literally a horrific way to treat the woman who has just birthed your child. Not even remotely funny, just so sad.

ArchieStar · 27/03/2023 21:32

I am so glad you’re not my MIL.

Poppins2016 · 27/03/2023 21:33

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

Both parents should be parenting during the meal and therefore equally impacted by the potential stress (or otherwise). Why are you only concerned about your DIL? Surely you should be equally concerned about both parents and therefore offering your son the opportunity to bow out due to the stress?
(I know that you would obviously rather your son attended... but I'm trying to point out that your reasoning seems a little flawed...)

SD1978 · 27/03/2023 21:34

If this isn't a reverse or a wind up, I would hope that there was no way your son would choose his parents over his own family, after they were invited. I wouldn't. So you ask them all, then change your mind, and expect him to come. But that's alright because you don't really like her. If you expect your son there, chamber the reteraunt and keep with the plan of inviting them all

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 27/03/2023 21:35

A four year old can definitely sit through a meal. Don’t be ridiculous Op. it’s hardly 3 hours at the opera. Buy her some
stickers or a new magazine and some crayons. (Yes you not DIL)

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 27/03/2023 21:36

Rather than worrying that DGD may not be able to behave herself in a smart restaurant you might like to reflect on why you don’t think FOUR ADULTS would be capable of entertaining and guiding one child for a couple of hours.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/03/2023 21:37

If you want a fancy adult meal why not do that with your husband alone, then? Choosing an adult-oriented restaurant for your DGD to attend was thoughtless. It's quite rude to issue the family an invitation then say, "on second thought maybe you shouldn't come...
we'll choose something kid friendly at a later date." Where - McD's?
Were you hoping DIL wouldn't accept and only your son would? You say you'd like to see them more often and want a better relationship, but this situation shows you as passive aggressive and seems clear why DIL seems to stay away. Your son is no longer single. He's a package deal. Be gracious and inclusive.

unclebuck · 27/03/2023 21:37

None of this makes any sense. If the restaurant is important go as a couple, if seeing your family is important go elsewhere. If having your precious son to yourself and offending DIL is the aim go for it.

Crazycrazylady · 27/03/2023 21:38

I'm sorry but way too late to change the invite now. You should have invited both your son and dil ( and left it to them to find childcare if they could) .. to suddenly decide it's not suitable is cold cold cold imo.

ThinWomansBrain · 27/03/2023 21:38

It would have been fine (well they might have been a bit hacked off) if you'd said it would be child free at the point of inviting them or when it was first discussed, a bit awkward now.

Agree with PP - go somewhere nice but family friendly with crayons or whatever, and then have a really nice lunch for just you & DH.

Noicant · 27/03/2023 21:38

If you want a meal just with your son then say so. But also be prepared for him not to want to come without his family.

Calmdown14 · 27/03/2023 21:40

Is where you eat really worth damaging this relationship for?
Just change the venue to something more child friendly, perhaps a day earlier and keep the posh booking to go with your husband.

You may well have every right to do this but it just doesn't seem worth the risk

BanditsGravyStain · 27/03/2023 21:41

she doesn't let me see DGD that often so I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be.
And what part does your son play in all of this?

ODFOx · 27/03/2023 21:42

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

Had you set the venue and time when the invitation was extended? If not then you should choose an appropriate venue for all your family.

neilyoungismyhero · 27/03/2023 21:44

The child is 4. Our DD always ate out with us from the age of 3. She always behaved impeccably whether it was a nice restaurant or a chinese/Indian. I would include her...awful now to say no to them both.