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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
LovelyBitOfSquirrrel · 27/03/2023 21:01

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 20:42

I've just finished going through the responses I'll try to answer the main points.

Firstly it's not a reverse. I'm not doing this to try and be away from my DIL and DGD I genuinely don't think DGD will be able to sit through the meal and it won't be fun for her.

Regarding my DIL we get in well enough but aren't that close and she doesn't let me see DGD that often so I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be. I was going to suggest a get together all of us as well as this meal so I'm not saying we don't want to celebrate with them, just the meal probably wasn't the best idea.

To say she doesn’t let you see the grandchildren often is ridiculous, they are also your sons children, he is responsible for organising family meet ups on his side. I hate how this always falls on the women.

whynotwhatknot · 27/03/2023 21:03

why invite them all in the firstplace if you knew the returant wasnt suitable

do people really not rsearch something before booking it? just you and your dh go and celebrate with everyone else another time

MithrilCostsMore · 27/03/2023 21:03

We took our kids aged 2 & 4 out for a three course Mel early evening. No devices, just books and colouring. They were beautifully behaved. Isn't your grandchild?

Ivesaidenough · 27/03/2023 21:06

Ha! My PIL did this when their first grandchild was born. Came to "see" him, then looked at DP and said, shall we go for lunch to celebrate? And off they all popped. Leaving me in the delivery room, with a sandwich, my older child and a newborn.
Our relationship isn't the closest.

Orchidflower1 · 27/03/2023 21:07

@MorrisCo do you have other dc or just your son?

Gazelda · 27/03/2023 21:07

OP, how are you feeling having read these replies?

Do you honestly think you, your DH and your DS will enjoy the meal knowing your DGD and DDIL have been excluded?

Do you think DS and DDIL will ever forget how you've treated them and your DGD?

Dunkindonuts8 · 27/03/2023 21:10

Well if you didn't see your DGD much before, you'll be seeing a whole lot less of her after this!

PuddlesPityParty · 27/03/2023 21:10

Do something you can all do and do the fancy restaurant with your DH

Dunkindonuts8 · 27/03/2023 21:11

Ivesaidenough · 27/03/2023 21:06

Ha! My PIL did this when their first grandchild was born. Came to "see" him, then looked at DP and said, shall we go for lunch to celebrate? And off they all popped. Leaving me in the delivery room, with a sandwich, my older child and a newborn.
Our relationship isn't the closest.

As misguided as they were, it would be your 'd'p I'd have taken issue with!

WandaWonder · 27/03/2023 21:12

Have a couple one as it is an anniversary of 2 people in a relationship

Then have a bigger normal meal one if you feel other people want to celebrate an anniversary of a couple

Maedan · 27/03/2023 21:12

You can suggest it but I'd be surprised if a grown man left his wife and child at home to go out for lunch with his parents 🤔

Also, it's your sons responsibility to arrange for you to see your GC and maintain a relationship not your DILs job. You've raised your son to not bother with you, I think we can see why!

anxiouslemons · 27/03/2023 21:13

I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be

Ooh better uninvite her and her mum from your special dinner then, that'll help.

MrsPerfect12 · 27/03/2023 21:13

You'll be fine with your son supporting his wife a not attending right??

Poppins2016 · 27/03/2023 21:13

LovelyBitOfSquirrrel · 27/03/2023 21:01

To say she doesn’t let you see the grandchildren often is ridiculous, they are also your sons children, he is responsible for organising family meet ups on his side. I hate how this always falls on the women.

Show quote history

This is also a very good point...

My DH is in charge of organising meet ups with his family and I have very little to do with it (mostly because I have enough work to do managing my own family)! If you want to see more of your grandchild, I'd ask your DS to facilitate it.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/03/2023 21:14

Blimey-how crazy, I really thought this was a reverse!

You either need to have an adult-only meal with your husband or a meal with your son, daughter in law and child (if they have no babysitter, as you state). Why in earth would you decide to have an adult only meal, that only one of them comes to?!

Lizzt2007 · 27/03/2023 21:14

AngelDelightUK · 27/03/2023 19:02

I take it you don’t want your DIL to go really then?!

That's the exact vibe isn't it !

Iam4eels · 27/03/2023 21:15

What would happen if your son said he's not going if his wife and daughter can't go?

MotherOfHouseplants · 27/03/2023 21:16

Have the smart meal with just your husband and then take your DGD to Gregg’s. Or just shove a trough in front of her and her mother Hmm

Genuinely cannot believe this isn’t a reverse.

AuntMarch · 27/03/2023 21:18

I would be quite offended if my parents suddenly changed their mind about my child (and partner) coming without asking me whether I thought it would be an ok venue for my kid. I'm the parent, I know what he can handle.

Also, it is just rude to uninvite someone, even if they are 4. Yabu.

Moomoola · 27/03/2023 21:18

Oh gosh, please stick to your original plan, it will cause so much upset. In my experience kids are perfectly fine if the adults treat them calmly or give them colouring books, or stuff you can all join in with
. They love feeling grown up and special.

HoneyBeen · 27/03/2023 21:20

There was a post exactly the same as this around a month ago, except it was the D.I.L posting.
What a coincidence.

Original poster
MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 27/03/2023 21:22

I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy

Hopefully your son can look after DGD, and then she won’t be.

Iam4eels · 27/03/2023 21:23

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

I'm sure she'll be fine, she'll be well versed in how to parent her daughter in public situations.

Tobiy · 27/03/2023 21:23

Why is it for DIL to keep you DGD happy through the meal, she has two parents who are equally responsible for that!

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