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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 27/03/2023 21:45

So hard to imagine why you
don’t see much of your DGD - you seem so warm and empathetic.

ODFOx · 27/03/2023 21:47

Is it just your DIL or her and your grandchild that you dislike? This thread is really sad.
If I come at it from a 'not close relatives but still should be polite' viewpoint then the idea of uninviting some of your family is really rude.
Given that your DS, DIL and Grandchild are your entire family, the idea that you would shift the event to deliberately prevent the attendance of DIL and Grandchild is frankly revolting. If your son agrees to this then he's as bad as you. Horrendous.

Saz12 · 27/03/2023 21:50

Why not phone her and ask? Say youd love to go to Fancy Restaurant with them all, but its not something you did when your son was 4-years-old, so you had a monent of doubt and wondered if she thinks dgd would be happy with it? Ask her if you can buy some colouring in, stickers, and/or a mgazine in case she gets bored.

Say you're happy to go somewhere more child-freindly if she thinks that would be less stressful.

Some dc are fine with meals in fancier places, others are a nightmare so irs hard to geberalise. But shed surely not be offended if you made it clear that you couldn't really recall meals out with your ds at that age so wanted to ask her opinion / advice. IE dont make it sound like youre saying " dc is dreadfuly behaved due to your awful parenting, I never had any if these problems, will he embarass us all if we go somewhere fancier than McD's?"

gogohmm · 27/03/2023 21:52

Very unreasonable, either book somewhere more suitable or bring colouring books etc to keep her occupied

Peach0123 · 27/03/2023 21:52

ODFOx · 27/03/2023 21:47

Is it just your DIL or her and your grandchild that you dislike? This thread is really sad.
If I come at it from a 'not close relatives but still should be polite' viewpoint then the idea of uninviting some of your family is really rude.
Given that your DS, DIL and Grandchild are your entire family, the idea that you would shift the event to deliberately prevent the attendance of DIL and Grandchild is frankly revolting. If your son agrees to this then he's as bad as you. Horrendous.

Totally agree with this.

You may be lucky so far in that you still get to have contact with GV at all as it sounds like DIL has had enough at some point in the past.

Use this as an opportunity to engage with your family and make an effort to make amends and get to know your GD. Do this before your DS ends up NC. Fix your family and have a meal another time with DH

mdh2020 · 27/03/2023 21:53

Could you hire a nanny to entertain the child? You can’t uninvited them.

FingerPuppet · 27/03/2023 21:54

I would absolutely suggest that this event isn’t suitable for your DIL and DGD. Please, do let them know.

Your DIL probably already knows how you feel about her, but I think she and your son deserve this proof of your hostility towards her and your grandchild.

There will be consequences and you will deserve them.

ImAGoodPerson · 27/03/2023 21:56

This is so sad, I'm so glad my family would never do something like this. I guess that's why we are all close with in laws and even their families.

SemperIdem · 27/03/2023 21:56

I suppose it depends on how your dgd is parented?

My daughter could behave herself in a nice restaurant at 4 (she’s now 7), not all children are able to at that age.

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 27/03/2023 21:56

Wow! Seriously? This is so nasty and if you can't see that then no wonder DIL doesn't let DGD have much to do with you.

Sorchamarie · 27/03/2023 21:58

unclebuck · 27/03/2023 21:37

None of this makes any sense. If the restaurant is important go as a couple, if seeing your family is important go elsewhere. If having your precious son to yourself and offending DIL is the aim go for it.

Agree with this. You're being very unreasonable OP, including assuming your DIL will be stressed trying to keep your granddaughter happy at the restaurant and not considering that your son should be equally involved in parenting his child. If you (and your husband!) have parented your son correctly yourselves, there's no way he'll agree to go to this lunch if you effectively uninvite your DIL. He should have her back completely in the face of such unreasonableness. Also, what does your husband think should happen here? Surely he has an opinion?

XanaduKira · 27/03/2023 22:00

Blooming heck, your son sounds like a complete waste of space, leaving all things child related to his wife (including allowing his wife full control over who his daughter sees).

Sorchamarie · 27/03/2023 22:01

Oops. See your husband is (correctly) concerned this will cause offence, so presumably wants to your DIL and DGD to still be included? He is right.

monsteramunch · 27/03/2023 22:04

To say she doesn’t let you see the grandchildren often is ridiculous, they are also your sons children, he is responsible for organising family meet ups on his side. I hate how this always falls on the women.

This.

I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy

Presumably your son will also be parenting their child during the meal? Not just leaving it up to her?

Scirocco · 27/03/2023 22:05

YABU.

Uninviting them is going to cause major hurt. Either take some distractions for your DGD, or change the restaurant to one that's suitable.

Also, if you're all out for a family event, it shouldn't just be your DIL looking after DGD - your DS and you as grandparents surely should be contributing to spending time with and entertaining her too.

monsteramunch · 27/03/2023 22:05

Ivesaidenough · 27/03/2023 21:06

Ha! My PIL did this when their first grandchild was born. Came to "see" him, then looked at DP and said, shall we go for lunch to celebrate? And off they all popped. Leaving me in the delivery room, with a sandwich, my older child and a newborn.
Our relationship isn't the closest.

And you stayed with him? I'm not sure I would be able to forgive a partner doing that at such a vulnerable time. It's cruel.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/03/2023 22:05

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 20:42

I've just finished going through the responses I'll try to answer the main points.

Firstly it's not a reverse. I'm not doing this to try and be away from my DIL and DGD I genuinely don't think DGD will be able to sit through the meal and it won't be fun for her.

Regarding my DIL we get in well enough but aren't that close and she doesn't let me see DGD that often so I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be. I was going to suggest a get together all of us as well as this meal so I'm not saying we don't want to celebrate with them, just the meal probably wasn't the best idea.

It sounds like you blame your dil for your late of contact with your gc, but it is clearly your ds' role to manage this.

I think uninviting half your family is a good way to scupper any future positive family relationships.

ChickenMacaroni · 27/03/2023 22:05

I think you need to sell it as a "rethink" - you need to keep the date you've already planned with DIL and GC and say something like you'd like to have some proper quality time with GC doing something you'd both enjoy so have decided to go to National Trust property/Frozen the Musical/Rainforest Cafe instead on the day reserved for you4 birthday.

I really do think you'd all enjoy something a bit more relaxed, and I'm one of those people who can take our well-behaved DC anywhere.

Interested that "she" doesn't seem to "let you" see GC very much - are you close to your son? Why isn't he the lead for that relationship?

GoChasingWaterfalls · 27/03/2023 22:09

Instead of being mean and considering disinviting them, why not think of how you can help DIL to manage DGD? Buy her a book to give her on the night or something like that.

I'm not really surprised DIL doesn't have you around much. You don't exactly sound friendly towards them!

RampantIvy · 27/03/2023 22:10

Regarding my DIL we get in well enough but aren't that close and she doesn't let me see DGD that often

Well, it's hardly surprising really. Your "celebration" plans are going to alienate her even further, and will probably push your son away as well.

You should have a family celebration with all of your family, then you and your DH can go to a more upmarket restaurant on your own.

I can't believe that you lack the social awareness to know that your original plan just isn't on.

Softsoftsleep · 27/03/2023 22:11

My mother in law would never do something like this, and if she did, I would be unbelievably hurt

Theskyoutsideisblue · 27/03/2023 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maddy68 · 27/03/2023 22:15

You are right the place isn't suitable but to invite your Dil is very unreasonable. What if your son said he would stay with your GC and she could come?

Just you and your husband go to the nice place and go somewhere family with your "family "

HoneyBeen · 27/03/2023 22:18

Wind em up and watch em go.

THE D. I. L ALREADY POSTED ABOUT IT AROUND FOUR WEEKS AGO PEOPLE!

Unless the op and the D.I.L are the same person, because it was almost word for word identical.

RampantIvy · 27/03/2023 22:19

Is there a link @HoneyBeen?