Page 7 | To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

MorrisCo · 2023-03-27T17:59:23+00:00

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild. The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day. DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

Hatscats · 27/03/2023 20:35

How weird, just do the fancy place with your husband and then a family friendly place for everyone else 🙄

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 27/03/2023 20:38

That is a disgraceful thing to do! If I was your son, I would refuse to go if you ‘uninvited’ my wife and child.

Bayleaf25 · 27/03/2023 20:39

YABVU as you’ve already invited them!
In my opinion you could;

Raise the issue nicely as a ‘do you think DGD will be ok at posh restaurant or should we change it?’ (they might then suggest they get alternative childcare for DGD - at 4 they could get a babysitter).

If they are concerned then why not change it to family meal at a suitable restaurant and you and your DH can celebrate your anniversary at the restaurant of your choice as a couple.

You really can’t exclude your DIL that would be awful.

StaceySolomonSwash · 27/03/2023 20:39

As @MorrisCo didn't return after the goady OP I'm inclined to think this was a windup attempt. Definitely not true.

letthemalldoone · 27/03/2023 20:40

The plans have already been made - you don't turn round and uninvite your closest family members! Do you really want to exclude your only grandchild? As for leaving your DIL in the position where she couldn't go - that's just horrible.

SultanOfSwing · 27/03/2023 20:41

You should have enabled voting and then you could see how totally unreasonable this is .

Original poster

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 20:42

I've just finished going through the responses I'll try to answer the main points.

Firstly it's not a reverse. I'm not doing this to try and be away from my DIL and DGD I genuinely don't think DGD will be able to sit through the meal and it won't be fun for her.

Regarding my DIL we get in well enough but aren't that close and she doesn't let me see DGD that often so I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be. I was going to suggest a get together all of us as well as this meal so I'm not saying we don't want to celebrate with them, just the meal probably wasn't the best idea.

OP posts:

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 20:44

Why did you invite her in the first place? And is it your decision to make that she won't enjoy it?

Iam4eels · 27/03/2023 20:47

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 20:42

I've just finished going through the responses I'll try to answer the main points.

Firstly it's not a reverse. I'm not doing this to try and be away from my DIL and DGD I genuinely don't think DGD will be able to sit through the meal and it won't be fun for her.

Regarding my DIL we get in well enough but aren't that close and she doesn't let me see DGD that often so I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be. I was going to suggest a get together all of us as well as this meal so I'm not saying we don't want to celebrate with them, just the meal probably wasn't the best idea.

You're going to create more distance if you un-invite her and DGD. Your DS is part of a package now that he has his own family, you can't invite him at the same time as excluding them otherwise you'll end up losing all three.

TomeTome · 27/03/2023 20:48

I’d say you’re never going to be close and your manners are not enviable.

XanaduKira · 27/03/2023 20:48

Completely agree @Iam4eels

daisy46 · 27/03/2023 20:49

I can't believe it's not a reverse -- that should tell you how unreasonable you're being. If you want to continue to have any kind of relationship with your DIL do NOT suggest this. Either change the plan for everyone for your birthday or continue as planned. Don't make her feel like a second-class citizen in her own family.

Vivi0 · 27/03/2023 20:51

I genuinely don't think DGD will be able to sit through the meal and it won't be fun for her.

I don’t buy this for a second. I think you’re being extremely calculating and seeking a negative reaction from your daughter in law. I can only imagine your reaction if your DIL invited your DH, but excluded you, from a celebratory meal with your DS and grandchild.

TheSoapyFrog · 27/03/2023 20:52

YABVU. If my mum decided to uninvite my son, knowing full well that my OH wouldn't be able to come, I wouldn't be attending either.
Go with DH to the nice restaurant and go somewhere family friendly with them all.

DashboardConfessional · 27/03/2023 20:52

Right, well, you need to uninvite your son (who is a husband and father) as well then. He's not 18 and being taken out for dinner because he did well in his A-Levels.

MyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 27/03/2023 20:52

So, basically it would just be the two of you and your son going to dinner at this restaurant? I would choose a restaurant that your granddaughter would be comfortable in instead. On important family celebrations, it’s about the company and the occasion, not the venue. You and your husband can go to that restaurant on your own.

TaraRhu · 27/03/2023 20:53

Why can't they get a babysitter? She's not a newborn? If she's at nursery can't you go for lunch during the week and get your so and his wife to take half a day off?

There are lots of solutions that don't involve lumping your dil at home!

Parkermumma07 · 27/03/2023 20:54

No wonder your DIL doesn't have much to do with you.
there are many other options where you would not have to exclude her and your DGD.
I hope you son stands by his wife and child and decides not to come and celebrate with you m.

redbigbananafeet · 27/03/2023 20:55

Have the meal just you and your husband and then a family thing

DogInATent · 27/03/2023 20:56

I hope your son has the balls to tell you to FO if your idea of celebrating your marriage anniversary is to deliberately exclude his wife from a meal you've already invited her to.

If you now feel the meal is not the best plan, then change the plans and do something different. Don't disinvite those you've already invited. Unless you really are as insensitive as you present yourself here.

TheHolyGrailSpeaks · 27/03/2023 20:58

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 20:42

I've just finished going through the responses I'll try to answer the main points.

Firstly it's not a reverse. I'm not doing this to try and be away from my DIL and DGD I genuinely don't think DGD will be able to sit through the meal and it won't be fun for her.

Regarding my DIL we get in well enough but aren't that close and she doesn't let me see DGD that often so I don't feel as close to DGD either although I'd like to be. I was going to suggest a get together all of us as well as this meal so I'm not saying we don't want to celebrate with them, just the meal probably wasn't the best idea.

Sounds like you are punishing your DIL for withholding her daughter. She will turn your son against you if you do things like this (and he may refuse to go; I know my DH would).

Once, my MIL tried to pull something like this by suggesting that only my DH and my elder DS visit her and FIL in their country, leaving the outcasts (me and younger DS) at home. That was perhaps 7 years ago and I think we have seen them a total of around 5 times since when they stayed in a hotel near us. We come as a package (no substitutions allowed 😂).

The best solution is sometimes the most obvious one. As PPs have said, do a family lunch at a nice casual restaurant (it doesn’t have to be on the exact day of your anniversary) and you and DH have a lovely evening, just the two of you, at the fancy place.

Poppins2016 · 27/03/2023 20:58

Iam4eels · 27/03/2023 20:47

You're going to create more distance if you un-invite her and DGD. Your DS is part of a package now that he has his own family, you can't invite him at the same time as excluding them otherwise you'll end up losing all three.

Show quote history

I agree with this. It sounds as though you're coming from a position of petty tit for tat. You'd be better off trying to build bridges than destroy them.

I'd change the restaurant booking to a family friendly one and go to a higher end establishment with just your DH.

BeatricePortinari · 27/03/2023 21:00

This would be weird and unkind.

Weird to celebrate your wedding anniversary with just your son in a nice restaurant.

Unkind to your Dil as you would convey how unimportant she is.

A 4 year old can enjoy a nice restaurant. Take some colouring and toys.

Or go somewhere child friendly altogether and then go to the nice place just with your DH.

justasmalltownmum · 27/03/2023 21:01

Pick a different restaurant

winningeasy · 27/03/2023 21:01

You don't sound like you want to make much effort with your only DGC if you're organising and inviting her (and then uninviting her?) to a meal which isn't suitable for her. I think you need to accept your DS is a husband and father now and those are his priorities, so you will not be popular to change the plans