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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
crew2022 · 27/03/2023 23:22

Why don't you cancel the meal and go somewhere more child friendly if you're that worried? It would be hurtful to uninvited your only grandchild and DIL. You could just change the venue and go with your DH and friends to the one you originally booked.
As others have said, your DIL is not the only parent of DGC, your son also needs to entertain her. If you want to be closer or improve the relationship then uninviting DIL is a terrible move. TBH you sound quite selfish and not welcoming to DIL.

ShandaLear · 27/03/2023 23:24

Unless you gave birth to a bag of wet sand is there any reason why your son appears to be incapable of parenting? Is he really that useless? It no wonder your DIL isn’t keen on seeing you if she’s left to do all the running around and managing the kids. If the restaurant is genuinely unsuitable for kids then change the venue for somewhere more child friendly. It sounds like you just want you, your DH, and your DS to do something alone together.

CloseRunningRiver · 27/03/2023 23:28

Sadly, you appear to be why Mothers in Law, get such a bad name. It’s thoughtless of you
If your In-Laws had only invited your husband, for a lovely anniversary lunch with them, how would you feel ?

LemonadeSunshine · 27/03/2023 23:30

Wow, what a catch as a MIL

FurElise · 27/03/2023 23:32

My DH is an only child and our DC is his parents only GC. I'd be very, very offended if my MIL did to me and my DC what you're suggesting here. I'd find it unforgivable to be honest.

Robinni · 27/03/2023 23:33

Totally totally unreasonable.

Absolutely awful to exclude your daughter in law and granddaughter from a celebration. Dreadful in fact.

There is no reason a four year old couldn’t enjoy a meal with her family. You need to bring some small toys, colouring book, tablet if necessary.

If you want to have some pristine celebration then go out with your husband and celebrate like any normal couple. But if you want a family celebration then you need to invite them!

LuluBlakey1 · 27/03/2023 23:36

'I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant.'

'Everyone' means your DIL. She is the only one who couldn't go.

There is such passive aggression in your thread towards your DIL. You don't sound very nice at all.

ClairDeLaLune · 27/03/2023 23:39

Why is it your daughter-in-law’s responsibility to look after DGD not your son’s? Is it because she has a vagina? Still I don’t really follow.

Robinni · 27/03/2023 23:39

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 21:21

We only have DS no other children so it would be just the three of us. I haven't "uninvited" DIL we haven't suggested the idea of two celebrations yet. I won't say anything now as DIL has already accepted the invitation but I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy.

@MorrisCo how can you imagine the stress of a woman and child with whom you have little relationship? Nor what DGD will/won’t enjoy. You need to start somewhere and give it a chance.

No wonder DIL doesn’t engage with you or let you around DGD that much. With all the kindness I can muster, in your posts you come across as quite hard work and very inflexible.

I really hope you can have a lovely celebration. Congratulations on your anniversary.

Sleepyandconfused · 28/03/2023 00:07

That would be really unkind. A 4 year old doesn’t need to enjoy a restaurant. Parents can bring books, colouring, even an iPad and headphones and let her use a learning app (or watch TV but a learning app always gets less judgement from horrible people)in case of emergencies!

Sleepyandconfused · 28/03/2023 00:08

Especially as, if your son and DIL are like literally every other couple I know, I bloody guarantee you that your DIL bought your presents and card and reminded your son your birthday was coming up and all your son did was sign his name in the card 😂

AngryBirdsNoMore · 28/03/2023 00:08

TheChoiceIsYours · 27/03/2023 21:30

If you want to improve your relationship with DiL and as a result see more of DGD then uninviting them to a meal you’ve already invited them to wouldn’t seem like the best idea…?!

How about reaching out to DiL to express how much you want to all be able to enjoy the meal together as a family and that on reflections you’re worried you might have chosen somewhere not very child friendly - and ask her if she thinks DGD will be ok or if she can suggest anywhere that she thinks might work better. Is there anything you could bring to help entertain DGD etc?

Demonstrate that you care about her and value her as part of the family and you might be surprised how much your relationship improves. From what you’ve said so far it’s not a huge leap to imagine why she’s perhaps not that close to you…

Good advice this

Affery · 28/03/2023 00:26

Now do make sure that if your GD doesn't behave perfectly during the meal, you direct snippy little comments and dirty looks at your DIL, even though your DS is also her parent. She will love that 💀

Then you'll have mastered the whole MIL perfectly*

*based on my experience

AutumnColours9 · 28/03/2023 01:11

Yabu
Surely you want them all there

nomoremerlot · 28/03/2023 04:32

YABU just have the meal for you and your DH.

user1492757084 · 28/03/2023 04:50

The nice restaurant for just the two of you.

Plan another event for the family or make sure there is a way for the child to be catered for at the swish place. ie Invite an extra child minder, make sure her meal is ready early, bring quiet toys .. her parents will know what she is capable of.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 28/03/2023 04:51

“Oh, by the way, my mum called. She doesn’t think <kid> should come to the restaurant.”

”But that means I can’t go.”

”Yeah. She’s aware of thaf, and it doesn’t seem to bother her.”

Crumpetdisappointment · 28/03/2023 05:01

you cant uninvite her dil
that is very mean

Autienotnautie · 28/03/2023 05:27

If you are genuinely concerned about your dgc I would suggest a venue change to somewhere more child friendly. Then do that other restaurant with your dh. But no I wouldn't disinvite your dil, if my parents did that to dh I wouldn't go either. Alternatively Why don't you ask them if venue is suitable and see what they say, obviously they know their child better than you.

Also separate point you mention your dil keeps your dgc from you? You realise your ds has a say in that too right? It's a joint decision.

Laptopneeded · 28/03/2023 05:35

@ShandaLear 😂

Laptopneeded · 28/03/2023 05:37

"I've always told you she hates me"

"yes plain as day, I won't go either"

  • but she's going to blame me, go

No, I won't have her treat you like the womb and baby sitter plus she always says she doesn't see enough of dvd and now this!

Womencanlift · 28/03/2023 05:55

I often roll my eyes at some of the MIL hating threads on here but this one shows that there are some genuinely awful MILs out there

OP if your son cannot/will not entertain his own child during a meal and facilitate visits with GPs then that is on you and your parenting.

You have obviously raised a selfish man who thinks such things as “women’s work” and from your posting style I think it’s clear where he gets it from

SeaDee · 28/03/2023 06:39

Why don't you sit beside your granddaughter at the meal and spend some quality time with her?

Perhaps your DIL will see you in a different light....

reluctantbrit · 28/03/2023 07:55

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 27/03/2023 21:35

A four year old can definitely sit through a meal. Don’t be ridiculous Op. it’s hardly 3 hours at the opera. Buy her some
stickers or a new magazine and some crayons. (Yes you not DIL)

We were invited to DH's aunt 80th birthday meal, DD was 20 months. The aunt had a small bag on DD's seat with a new book, some crayons/paper and a small teddy.

She also told us that the restaurant knew about a toddler and arranged with them that we could order whatever we thought DD may like and not worry about the pre-ordered meal.

I really think this MIL just wants and excuse to uninvite her DIL and then moan to everyone that she hardly sees her grandchild.

BeckyBeehive · 28/03/2023 08:11

My grandchild is 2.5 years old. It's my 60th birthday this year and DH and I are treating the family to a holiday abroad to celebrate. I spent weeks researching holidays, specifically so that DGC would enjoy it. Not too long a flight, reasonable transfer time from airport, not too hot, children's play area, family rooms etc etc. All of those seemed pretty normal considerations to me when a child is involved, but you can't even arrange one single meal out that would suit a child, and not just any child, your grandchild whom you complain you don't see much of? Bonkers.

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