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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest this event isn't suitable for DGD and DIL?

432 replies

MorrisCo · 27/03/2023 18:59

DH are celebrating a big wedding anniversary next month and a while ago discussed with DS and DIL we would like to do a lunch to celebrate and said it would be us, them plus their DD (4) our DGD and only grandchild.

The lunch is in a fairly nice restaurant and now I'm thinking about it I thought it could be more suitable for everyone to keep the occasion child free as DGD wouldn't enjoy the restaurant. I told DH I was going to suggest this to DS. It would mean DIL couldn't come to the meal either as we would be their only childcare for DGD so the meal would be me, my husband and my son. I was going to suggest a more child friendly celebration to include DGD on another day.

DH thinks it could cause offence but I think the occasion isn't suitable for a young child. WIBU to suggest a different separate event as well and keep the meal to just us three?

OP posts:
LibrariansGiveUsPower · 27/03/2023 22:19

This is an excellent idea if you want to drive a massive wedge between yourself and your daughter in law.

Otherwise, no. Don’t be that Mil.

Blossomtoes · 27/03/2023 22:23

You are joking? I have a big birthday this year, we’re getting private dining so the two under fives can come and have a good time without upsetting other diners. You can’t exclude your dil and grandchildren. I can’t believe you’re even considering it.

whatbehaviour · 27/03/2023 22:26

Not rtft but it sounds to me like the DIL would probably be relieved to be uninvited so go ahead Grin

HoneyBeen · 27/03/2023 22:28

RampantIvy · 27/03/2023 22:19

Is there a link @HoneyBeen?

I can't remember what the thread title was, sorry.
I do remember reading it though, literally word for word the same as this op.

BeckyBeehive · 27/03/2023 22:28

Bloody hell OP, how can you even think this is a good idea? I'm a granny and have been married about as long as you I image. No way would I exclude my grandchild - she's the apple of my eye - and she's only 2! A few toys and a colouring book and your grandchild should be fine. Plus it's me and grandpa who occupy DGD during family meals out, to give the parents a break.

You say you don't see much of your grandchild - we'll isn't this the perfect opportunity to spend some time with them?

Mumof292 · 27/03/2023 22:31

As someone who recently got excluded from a inlaw family event even though my DH and children went, yes this would cause offence and make your DIL feel very hurt, 1) you shouldn't of invited them if you really dident want them to come 2) put yourself in her shoes and see how you would feel in conclusion yes . Yes you are being u reasonable!

Sartre · 27/03/2023 22:32

Of course you will offend her, as you would anyone if you suddenly disinvited them. I’d broach the subject of restaurant not being very family friendly and see if they can get a babysitter rather than telling DIL she can’t come.

UWhatNow · 27/03/2023 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yep. Breathtaking. I can’t believe people actually think and behave like this…

WitheredandOld · 27/03/2023 22:34

Book a different restaurant. Save the one you’ve already booked just for yourself and your husband.

Uninviting your SIL and GD would be incredibly rude.

Mumoftwosweetboys · 27/03/2023 22:35

Vivi0 · 27/03/2023 21:27

I imagine she will be stressed during the meal trying to keep DGD happy

Will your DIL be the only adult interacting with your granddaughter then?

Don’t you think your son will be interacting with his own child or, considering you say you wish you could be closer to your grandchild, perhaps you could interact with her a little too?

This!!!

Also 4 year old should be fine at a nice meal. My 4 year old would be absolutely fine.

Pushmepullu · 27/03/2023 22:38

And women wonder why their DiLs don’t like them.

Blossomtoes · 27/03/2023 22:40

Pushmepullu · 27/03/2023 22:38

And women wonder why their DiLs don’t like them.

I know. Unbelievable, isn’t it?

HoppingPavlova · 27/03/2023 22:41

This will never work. You and DH should go to the nice restaurant. Then book a shit family one where you eat too early for all of you and pretend to have a good time. It’s the only way you will solve this. Next time don’t suggest a family celebration at a decent restaurant until any kid going is over 12yo for goodness sake.

pizzaHeart · 27/03/2023 22:47

In what way exactly the restaurant is not suitable? Most restaurants have separate kids menu or offer some simple options. It’s just a lunch not a night time party. Your DGD is 4 so obviously goes to a playgroup or nursery and does some sitting activities. She will have two parents with her. You complained about not seeing her often so wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity
And if it’s a big problem for whatever reason your DS would tell you that they couldn’t come.

Crunched · 27/03/2023 22:48

Yesterday I enjoyed a splendid lunch at a restaurant which today retained its 2 Michelin stars, one of my dining companions was 3 years and 8 months. We all had a fabulous time - even if my small companion possibly enjoyed playing with her miniature space character toys on her knee, just as much as the food.
Please don't be an evil MIL/Granny caricature.

pizzaHeart · 27/03/2023 22:50

By the way if it’s your DH’s birthday he should decide whom to invite. Does he want to see DGD at the celebration?

Blossomtoes · 27/03/2023 22:52

pizzaHeart · 27/03/2023 22:50

By the way if it’s your DH’s birthday he should decide whom to invite. Does he want to see DGD at the celebration?

It’s their wedding anniversary.

howmanybicycles · 27/03/2023 22:53

Of course it's unreasonable but I think you already know that. It's rude and hostile to your DIL. If you want to improve relations, treat her better than this. Organise the other event for another time. No need to piss her around with this. Also, a side note, if your son leaves all the looking after the child to his partner, say something to him because that's not OK.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/03/2023 22:54

Stop being petty and blaming your DIL for the lack of contact, your son has as much responsibility and listen to your husband.

Justalittlebitduckling · 27/03/2023 22:55

I think going out with your DS but not DIL is rude and will cause friction.

SoftSheen · 27/03/2023 22:59

Yes, very unreasonable and breathtakingly rude.

Also, if you decide to do this, I would expect the most likely outcome to be that your son doesn't come either.

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2023 23:07

This is really, really sad

My ILs would do the same to me

Your call, of course. But I know my husband wouldn’t attend without the kids at least. I’d happily pack them off for an afternoon!

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2023 23:09

Also, contact is up to your DS. It is NOT DIL’s job to facilitate contact

chesterelly1 · 27/03/2023 23:20

My MIL booked somewhere swanky for a special birthday when DD was 4. I took her, DD that is not mil, for something special to wear and spoke about how lucky she was to be getting a special big girl treat of being allowed to go to a grown up party. The restaurant didn't even have a children's menu but mil had arranged for there to be chicken nuggets as that's all cousin eats. At the meal DD loudly informed the waitress that she would not be having nuggets, she wanted salmon the same as mummy was having. She did then colour her side plate in yellow with one of the crayons from the bag of stuff I'd brought to keep her occupied. But I managed to scrape it off with my nail. But on the whole it was a success

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/03/2023 23:21

Why can't they get a babysitter for the evening?

What is it with people these days not sourcing babysitters and having them on call so that adults can socialize? What if there were an emergency and the grandparents were not available?

It should be Parenting 101 to expend energy and effort to seek out several options for ad hoc child care, beyond the small circle of immediate family. Plus, it's healthy for parents to go out without the kids occasionally.