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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for asking literally anyone to give my daughter a bath?

147 replies

ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 03:24

My (21F) husband (27M), his mom (52F), and his mom all work full time, and his sister (18F) goes to school full time as well.

We have a baby girl (9mo) who gets a bath every other day, preferably in the afternoon/evening. I guess the problem arises when I work late 3 nights per week, getting home no later than 9:45pm.

My husband is usually home Mon-Fri by 5:30pm. He also asks for 1hr/day after work. I work every day except Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Because I get home late 3x/week and she gets a bath every other day, ON TOP of the fact that she shouldn't get a bath too late, I'm only "able" to give her a bath myself on days I either don't work OR on days I come home early.

I have no problem giving her a bath when I get home late, I'll just shower with her, BUT I get chewed out for giving her a bath that late, even though no one else gave her a bath throughout the day.

When I know I'll get home late, I'll ask my husband to give her a bath, but also let MIL and SIL know she needs a bath, just so she gets one. Idc who gives it to her or when, she just needs a bath. I would prefer my husband bc she's her father and we're her parents, but like I said, whatever happens when I'm gone is not on me until I come back home.

Today was no different when I asked DH to give her a bath. He said "I'll see" since "he" gave her one earlier in the week, when in fact it was his sister who gave her one. I felt bad for SIL bc DD is not her kid but still grateful because someone gave her a bath before it got too late.

I spoke to MIL earlier today while at work, told her I asked DH to give her a bath, told her what he said, and asked if someone could give her a bath. She said she and SIL were going to clean today, I said okay, then asked if she could talk to DH since I'm not home. She told me to talk to DH bc he's my husband. I said fine.

I texted him, basically saying idc who gives her a bath, just that she needs one. If no one gives her one before I get home, I'll shower with her, end of story. He asked why I didn't give her one in the morning, I told him his mom once got on me after offering to do so in the morning because it was "too early" (even though it was between 8 and 10am), but then I came home and she hadn't had one. No problem, she'll take one with me, right? Wrong, because then DH and MIL get on me saying it's too late.

Now MIL's mad at me and idk why?? I was told we were gonna have a family meeting, I got home and all she said was, "long story short, no need to pick me up from or drop me off at work anymore".

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 27/03/2023 03:29

Obviously, your husband should be doing it, and you living with them isn’t working. But you know all that.

LemonInaMug · 27/03/2023 03:30

she doesn’t need a bath every other day… as long as she’s generally clean she’ll be okay

OverHereTryingToFigureItOut · 27/03/2023 03:42

Babies don't need such regular baths. It can really dry their skin. Once a week or so is fine.

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 27/03/2023 03:53

The bath sounds like just part of the issue.

This doesn't sound like a sustainable living situation for you, I'd be considering what your next move is.

MIL being angry at you and calling a family meeting? Having to tread on eggshells about what time you do things for your baby? Husband not being supportive?

The situation just sounds tense and I would want to be looking at my own place and putting firm expectations in place for DH instead of having to get his mum or sister involved

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2023 03:54

My head almost exploded reading that.

Your husband is fucking useless and you need to get away from your in-laws. Fucking hell.

HelloBunny · 27/03/2023 04:00

Your husband just needs to get on with it & do the bath. Forget about his hour... Do you get your “hour”? No, you end up showering late with the baby. Not fair in you. Or the baby! My baby needed a regular bath, too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2023 04:36

Move. Seriously.

HealthyFats · 27/03/2023 05:11

You need to move out asap. Maybe that will be the impetus your husband needs to stop being a lazy man-child, we live in hope.

user1492757084 · 27/03/2023 05:22

Make an arrangement, once and for all, for your husband to choose a day to bath his daughter.
Don't text, just talk and get a promise.
You are the parents. If other family members wish to see bath they can but you two should take charge.
You then choose another day and two baths per week are fine for babies as long as their face, hands and bottoms get washed regulary.

ShandaLear · 27/03/2023 05:25

Your DH is an arse.

Phoebo · 27/03/2023 05:32

LemonInaMug · 27/03/2023 03:30

she doesn’t need a bath every other day… as long as she’s generally clean she’ll be okay

This. My baby got a bath once a week, and when he was a bit older a shower mid week. I'd love to give him a bath everyday (because he enjoyed it) but no time or energy. If anything it's worse to bathe everyday as it strip's their natural oils

Autienotnautie · 27/03/2023 05:37

I wouldn't bath every day it's not necessary. I'd do every other day and top n tail on the alternate day. I'd hate to live with in laws it's sounds like it's you against them, very stressful.

Original poster
ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 05:53

So I talked to everyone and apparently she's upset because of something she heard me say but didn't hear the extra context of what I had said.

Neither my MIL or SIL drive, so whenever they want/have to go somewhere (i.e. work, school, appointments, etc.), either me or my husband has to bring them. The downside for me is that literally quite often I'm the one doing most of it.

She works overnights and, at some unknowns point in time, I became the only one dropping her off/picking her up. Recently, I started saying I can't keep dropping her off at 11:05pm at night and having to wake up at 6:30am the very next morning, especially since DD won't stay asleep without me. That 6.5hr time difference only gives me about 3-4hrs of sleep (because now I'm trying to get DD to sleep on top of noise DH might make w/ the TV/headset)

I guess at some point mid conversation, I started ranting from about how he said he "might" give her a shower to me being the only one dropping her off and picking her up in the mornings. I said it was too much for me because now I'm constantly tired, ON TOP of putting DD to sleep and having to get myself ready for work and her ready to go with MIL whilst we're both at work.

She heard me "complaining" about bringing her to/from work, and took it as me thinking she NEEDED me to give her rides, but didn't hear me say, "sorry, I was just ranting my frustrations, I gotta go, so I'll talk to you later, bye." My frustrations about my husband and everything on my plate, not about anything having to deal with her specifically.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 27/03/2023 05:56

Move out,

Mumdiva99 · 27/03/2023 05:57

My babies all has a bath every day. When kids are in nappies I do think they need it. I think you've posted before. A few times with issues.
You both need to move out.
You mil and sil are not the child's parents.
Your husband wanting his hour while you are working doesn't work. He needs to parent.
You and he should agree babies routine and stick to it.

If you are the poster I think you are. Good luck. You need it.

Original poster
ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 05:58

And apparently I sounded like I was demanding someone give her a bath and was being condescending to them as though none of them have ever dealt with a baby before.

Only thing is, I never intended to sound condescending or demanding. I simply asked if someone could give her a bath. Granted, I may have said I didn't care who gave her a bath, but restated that she just needed one.

Which apparently everyone took as me being condescending? I only ask so I KNOW whether or not she's had a bath. If not, I know to give her one when I get home.

I can try to work on my word choice with people, but I feel like everyone should know by now that I never have ill intent in anything I say, ESPECIALLY the ppl I live with day in and day out.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 27/03/2023 06:08

You do sound like you're trying to force them to do what you want, to be fair.

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2023 06:11

They all sound pretty useless tbh; stop being a taxi service and look at moving out - not necessarily with the useless husband

Original poster
ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 06:12

GoodChat · 27/03/2023 06:08

You do sound like you're trying to force them to do what you want, to be fair.

Even when I say I don't mind giving her one when I come home? I just don't wanna be chewed out for giving her a bath late just because of how late it is

OP posts:
ArdeteiMasazxu · 27/03/2023 06:12

this all sounds so stressful.
in fact everyone is working really hard, doing their best for the whole family, and mostly being auite unselfish but the logistics of everyone's different commitments and priorities is just getting overwhelming, and something has to give.

the rigorous rule of a bath every other day has no logic behind it and is causing unnecessary stress, so that could go. a bath once a week is fun, the rest of the week she needs to be kept clean obviously but that doesn't have to be via a bath.

but clearly the bath isn't the real issue. the biggest problem is that everything is all too much. the bath thing is being blamed because it's the most obviously unnecessary source of stress but changing the bath thing isn't going to solve everything.

you probably do need some more family meetings, with some groundrules to ensure you all listen to each other properly. you are all reasonable people who hold each other dearly and want to do right by each other but you all have different priorities and different understandings and fitting it all together will need everyone to compromise a little bit. working out where those compromises happen so that everyone is giving a little bit can only be achieved through talking.

FurAndFeathers · 27/03/2023 06:20

ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 05:58

And apparently I sounded like I was demanding someone give her a bath and was being condescending to them as though none of them have ever dealt with a baby before.

Only thing is, I never intended to sound condescending or demanding. I simply asked if someone could give her a bath. Granted, I may have said I didn't care who gave her a bath, but restated that she just needed one.

Which apparently everyone took as me being condescending? I only ask so I KNOW whether or not she's had a bath. If not, I know to give her one when I get home.

I can try to work on my word choice with people, but I feel like everyone should know by now that I never have ill intent in anything I say, ESPECIALLY the ppl I live with day in and day out.

Surely your MIL has dealt with babies before??? And your husband has the same amount of parenting experience that you do.

your husband sounds like a useless and entirely disengaged parent, and your living situation is claustrophobic.

Original poster
ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 06:21

Mumdiva99 · 27/03/2023 05:57

My babies all has a bath every day. When kids are in nappies I do think they need it. I think you've posted before. A few times with issues.
You both need to move out.
You mil and sil are not the child's parents.
Your husband wanting his hour while you are working doesn't work. He needs to parent.
You and he should agree babies routine and stick to it.

If you are the poster I think you are. Good luck. You need it.

I just feel like there's always SOMETHING, and it always feels like 3 against 1. And then not to mention the fact no one ever says anything to me initially. They just let it go on until they finally snap and want to lash out at me. I always ask everyone to just let me know if I'm doing/saying something that bothers them. Correct me in the moment, don't lash out at me about random things a long time down the line. I've long forgotten anything I did/said prior.

Not to mention there's always something to be done. I hate asking for help, but even when I talk about something that's bothering me, instead of someone simply offering to lighten the load, it's just "oh, okay, good luck" until I finally ask for something. No, not like complaining until someone offers help, but rather just getting it off my chest, it just feels good to talk it out sometimes.

Like, if I say I have XYZ to do and not enough time, that's me talking through it, not looking for someone to offer help, just looking for a listening ear.

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 27/03/2023 06:25

She doesn't need a bath every other day, you can dry her skin out by doing that. Every 3 days is fine.

That said you need to stop the lifts, tell DH that is now his responsibility if he can't be arsed to sort his own child out and move out. Maybe even divorce.

Yerroblemom1923 · 27/03/2023 06:30

Can you and your baby get a place of your own? Or move in with your family? It all sounds incredibly stressful. Bathing her after 9pm seems v late for a 9month baby. I don't understand your family's reluctance to give her her bedtime bath, tbh!

Gunpowder · 27/03/2023 06:34

That 6.5hr time difference only gives me about 3-4hrs of sleep (because now I'm trying to get DD to sleep on top of noise DH might make w/ the TV/headset)

It’s really unfair if your DH makes so much noise you can’t get your baby to sleep. This whole situation sounds completely untenable for you. You must be exhausted. Your DH sounds sefish and possibly abusive. Can you move out?

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