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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for asking literally anyone to give my daughter a bath?

147 replies

ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 03:24

My (21F) husband (27M), his mom (52F), and his mom all work full time, and his sister (18F) goes to school full time as well.

We have a baby girl (9mo) who gets a bath every other day, preferably in the afternoon/evening. I guess the problem arises when I work late 3 nights per week, getting home no later than 9:45pm.

My husband is usually home Mon-Fri by 5:30pm. He also asks for 1hr/day after work. I work every day except Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Because I get home late 3x/week and she gets a bath every other day, ON TOP of the fact that she shouldn't get a bath too late, I'm only "able" to give her a bath myself on days I either don't work OR on days I come home early.

I have no problem giving her a bath when I get home late, I'll just shower with her, BUT I get chewed out for giving her a bath that late, even though no one else gave her a bath throughout the day.

When I know I'll get home late, I'll ask my husband to give her a bath, but also let MIL and SIL know she needs a bath, just so she gets one. Idc who gives it to her or when, she just needs a bath. I would prefer my husband bc she's her father and we're her parents, but like I said, whatever happens when I'm gone is not on me until I come back home.

Today was no different when I asked DH to give her a bath. He said "I'll see" since "he" gave her one earlier in the week, when in fact it was his sister who gave her one. I felt bad for SIL bc DD is not her kid but still grateful because someone gave her a bath before it got too late.

I spoke to MIL earlier today while at work, told her I asked DH to give her a bath, told her what he said, and asked if someone could give her a bath. She said she and SIL were going to clean today, I said okay, then asked if she could talk to DH since I'm not home. She told me to talk to DH bc he's my husband. I said fine.

I texted him, basically saying idc who gives her a bath, just that she needs one. If no one gives her one before I get home, I'll shower with her, end of story. He asked why I didn't give her one in the morning, I told him his mom once got on me after offering to do so in the morning because it was "too early" (even though it was between 8 and 10am), but then I came home and she hadn't had one. No problem, she'll take one with me, right? Wrong, because then DH and MIL get on me saying it's too late.

Now MIL's mad at me and idk why?? I was told we were gonna have a family meeting, I got home and all she said was, "long story short, no need to pick me up from or drop me off at work anymore".

OP posts:
Verylongtime · 27/03/2023 07:36

Where are you living? Whose house is it? If you are living with your MIL, why? If you are, you need to abide by her household rules. Your 18-year-old SIL shouldn’t be involved. Your DH needs to do less gaming and more parenting. Are you paying rent and board? Do you and DH do your share of household jobs?. “Chewing me out” is a very odd expression -I’ve never heard anyone say that in my life.

Original poster
ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 07:43

So, a few things:

  1. yes, an agreement was made for us to ferry MIL to/from work in exchange for childcare
  2. they're free to not bathe her since I'm only asking they do so since I'm not home, but I don't want to hear it if I decide to shower with her as soon as I get home between 9 and 945pm
  3. MIL and DH both own the house, we live upstairs, MIL and SIL downstairs
  4. DD is well cared for, don't get me wrong; I was originally just confused as to why she was so mad at me over asking someone, literally anyone to give her a bath, whilst still stating I will do it when I get home if no one else does
  5. DH gave her rides on his own before I unintentionally took over unilaterally
  6. I'm not trying to force anyone to adhere to DD bath schedule; if they can, nice, if not, no big deal, I'll just do it when I get home (it's about making her feel/smell clean)
  7. I feel like I should also mention that she gets moisturized multiple times EVERY DAY, with/without bath
  8. MIL and SIL watch DD when DH and I are at work
  9. there are some things I'll do just to not hear MIL's mouth
OP posts:
HairSwish · 27/03/2023 07:45

Verylongtime · 27/03/2023 07:36

Where are you living? Whose house is it? If you are living with your MIL, why? If you are, you need to abide by her household rules. Your 18-year-old SIL shouldn’t be involved. Your DH needs to do less gaming and more parenting. Are you paying rent and board? Do you and DH do your share of household jobs?. “Chewing me out” is a very odd expression -I’ve never heard anyone say that in my life.

Use of “mom” and “rides” might give you clues @Verylongtime

toomuchlaundry · 27/03/2023 07:46

So you will be living there permanently then if MIL and DH co-own the house?

TiredandLate · 27/03/2023 07:47

You are avoiding answering the questions about moving out, why? You've chosen to have a baby at a young age, and you possibly weren't in a position to house yourself when you had dd? I'm not judging, I was younger than you and I've been there and done that living with my parents!

toomuchlaundry · 27/03/2023 07:47

How much space do you have if DH keeps baby awake whilst gaming? How hands on dad is he?

TiredandLate · 27/03/2023 07:48

X post re DH owning part of the house. Can MIL buy him out so you can have your own space? This isn't going to get any better.

pncr · 27/03/2023 07:49

You need to move out.

fortheloveofflowers · 27/03/2023 07:51

Your husband is a lazy, selfish prick by the sounds of it. Do not have another child with this man!!!

Move out ffs!!! Leave the man child with his mother too. Set your standards higher than that waste of space!

FancyFanny · 27/03/2023 07:51

Poor child! I think the bath thing is pretty irrelevant. I bathed my baby every day- but we did that because we like the routine of it for her- same time every night signalled bed-time (unless for some reason we couldn't because we were out or something). If having a bath every day doesn't fit in then forget it- it's pointless!

Hiddenvoice · 27/03/2023 07:54

Sorry bur I don’t think it’s working out living with MIL and SIL. Dd is not their responsibility, they don’t need to bath her, really that’s up to you and your dh.

I have a baby, my dh works long hours but he is aware that he has parental responsibilities so has to put his child first. He will help with bedtime routine, then if he needs time to himself then he can take it later. Sorry but your dh needs to do a whole lot more and it’s not for MIL to speak to him about it. You need to sit him down and make him see that he needs to do more for his child. Baths do help with the bedtime routine. He should be able to do a 10 min bath and get her ready for bed. What time does dd go to bed? Does dh do it when you’re working?

Showering with the baby at 9:45pm isn’t ideal. A bath every other day is okay but dh needs to do more.

lazycats · 27/03/2023 07:57

Twice a week is fine for a bath. More than that isn’t beneficial.

LondonPretty · 27/03/2023 07:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KittyAlfred · 27/03/2023 07:58

OverHereTryingToFigureItOut · 27/03/2023 03:42

Babies don't need such regular baths. It can really dry their skin. Once a week or so is fine.

That’s disgusting. Would you piss and shit in a nappy and get by with just baby wipes for a week?

KittyAlfred · 27/03/2023 08:00

As ever the hygiene standard on MN make me feel a bit queasy. Bathing a baby once or twice a week? When they’ve had faeces smeared all over their buttocks every day? Yuk.
OP your partner is being completely useless.

cptartapp · 27/03/2023 08:05

All sounds somewhat enmeshed.
Move out and build a life with your husband.

Bunnycat101 · 27/03/2023 08:06

It all sounds chaotic. Why does your DH and Mil co-own and did you get any say in that? If you are reliant on your mil for childcare you may need to suck up quite a lot as she is doing you a massive favour if she works nights and then does childcare. When does she sleep?

If the baby is up early why are they going to bed so late?

turnthebiglightoff · 27/03/2023 08:16

No grown up parent should be spending this much time moaning about their in laws.

Move out. Be a grown up.

Lcb123 · 27/03/2023 08:19

You really need to move out-I don’t think this is really about the bath. I’m more concerned how late baby is awake when you get home late from work

Nevermind31 · 27/03/2023 08:21

You know this set up isn’t working. How does your mil do childcare whilst working nights? When does she sleep? Why is your sil doing childcare whilst in education?
your DH cannot have a spare hour after work whilst everyone looks after your child.
it is no one’s business when you bathe your child, but really, your husband should do it - I gave her one last week doesn’t quite cut it, does it?
you need to stop relying so much on mil and sil and your husband needs to step up

Liz1tummypain · 27/03/2023 08:23

It's really just their bums that you need to keep scrupulously clean. It doesn't matter if it's a bath, shower, washing. There is no need for this magic number of three baths per week.

yiur husband does sound pretty hopeless. I don't think you can insist other family members help but I do think your husband should be doing more. The problem is him. Perhaps show him all these answers. Good luck

BadNomad · 27/03/2023 08:26

Just take her in the shower with you when you get home. They can moan about the time all they want, but she's your baby and if you want her bathed then you can bathe her whenever you feel like it. If it bothers them that much, they can do it earlier.

L3ThirtySeven · 27/03/2023 08:29

YANBU
Your living situation sounds absolutely terrible. Four adults in a house and you’re the only one ensuring the baby gets a bath and you get whinged at fir bathing her late in the evening because you’re working late?

Absolutely ridiculous. And I agree with you on daily or every other day baths. I agree your DH is lazy and neglectful. It sounds like DH and MIL are trying to bully you into neglecting your child.

Im raging on your behalf. I couldn’t put up with that at all.

chanceofpear · 27/03/2023 08:31

Wtf. By the way babies that wear nappies and eat solid food do need a bath every day.

gamerchick · 27/03/2023 08:34

OP. It's time to move out. You're fixing on small details of stuff. It's well time you and your husband do the adulting thing and you can have baths whenever you want in your own pad.