Am I being unreasonable for asking literally anyone to give my daughter a bath?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

My (21F) husband (27M), his mom (52F), and his mom all work full time, and his sister (18F) goes to school full time as well.

We have a baby girl (9mo) who gets a bath every other day, preferably in the afternoon/evening. I guess the problem arises when I work late 3 nights per week, getting home no later than 9:45pm.

My husband is usually home Mon-Fri by 5:30pm. He also asks for 1hr/day after work. I work every day except Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Because I get home late 3x/week and she gets a bath every other day, ON TOP of the fact that she shouldn't get a bath too late, I'm only "able" to give her a bath myself on days I either don't work OR on days I come home early.

I have no problem giving her a bath when I get home late, I'll just shower with her, BUT I get chewed out for giving her a bath that late, even though no one else gave her a bath throughout the day.

When I know I'll get home late, I'll ask my husband to give her a bath, but also let MIL and SIL know she needs a bath, just so she gets one. Idc who gives it to her or when, she just needs a bath. I would prefer my husband bc she's her father and we're her parents, but like I said, whatever happens when I'm gone is not on me until I come back home.

Today was no different when I asked DH to give her a bath. He said "I'll see" since "he" gave her one earlier in the week, when in fact it was his sister who gave her one. I felt bad for SIL bc DD is not her kid but still grateful because someone gave her a bath before it got too late.

I spoke to MIL earlier today while at work, told her I asked DH to give her a bath, told her what he said, and asked if someone could give her a bath. She said she and SIL were going to clean today, I said okay, then asked if she could talk to DH since I'm not home. She told me to talk to DH bc he's my husband. I said fine.

I texted him, basically saying idc who gives her a bath, just that she needs one. If no one gives her one before I get home, I'll shower with her, end of story. He asked why I didn't give her one in the morning, I told him his mom once got on me after offering to do so in the morning because it was "too early" (even though it was between 8 and 10am), but then I came home and she hadn't had one. No problem, she'll take one with me, right? Wrong, because then DH and MIL get on me saying it's too late.

Now MIL's mad at me and idk why?? I was told we were gonna have a family meeting, I got home and all she said was, "long story short, no need to pick me up from or drop me off at work anymore".

You have a very strange family dynamic .

I'm really worried that you are doing nights with a baby, you don't have a peaceful room to sleep in (because DH is gaming or on TV, wtf???!!) and you have to take someone to work in the early morning. Who's looking after you, OP?

To be honest, if they can’t find the time to give baby a bath what are they doing with your DD all evening? Are they making sure she is well cared for / played with?

Honestly either they bath her or stop bitching when you bath her are they really that stupid that they think the solution to their problem lies in there own hands?

I mean they feed and care for her right? So bathing is part of this?

This is an absolute poor routine for your child. I work 2 full days till 15:30 and she goes to a childminders on those days.
Her dad is working 06:30-17:00 most days and when he is home pretty useless. Even yesterday he used the line “I’ve not had an hour to myself all weekend” honey you chose to make a baby who’s now over a year old deal with it. Not just my job. On the bathing front my 16 month old is given one atleast 6 days a week by me and moisturised afterwards most days. This is the beginning of her bed time routine and works.

There is no way I could live with anyone “ chewing me out” for anything and as you’ve said if they have a problem with how late baby baths nothing stops her giving her grandchild a bath. Nothing.

I would get out of there, change jobs do anything to stop this happening. I literally have mine and my child’s schedule so I am the one to do everything. I’d think about doing the same.

Does your dh not work? Why is he home all the time and then up late making noise and not the one driving your mil and sil around all the time?

If you want to bathe or shower with your baby when you get home then do it. If you don't want to be giving lifts all the time when you're up early and up with the baby then say no. If they want to behave like babies and sulk about it. They all seem pretty useless and unreasonable to me so just ignore what they whinge about.

If moving out is an option then do it!

but like I said, whatever happens when I'm gone is not on me until I come back home.

The arrangement for your child and whatever happens when you’re gone IS on you, and your husband, and it’s (both of) your responsibility to ensure a plan is in place and stuck to while the other isn’t around.

lots of people saying you should move out but understandably that’s probably not possible financially if you’re already working full time and relying on family childcare.

who is the one responsibility for her while you and DH are not there? They should bathe her, non negotiable, or your DH does it as soon as he gets home from work. He doesn’t get to choose to have an hour to himself.

DH should not be watching TV/gaming while you’re trying to sleep.

you should not be doing your MIL’s work lifts every day. Maybe agree one or two days a week? Different though if this is being done as a favour in return for childcare

set a schedule with some ground rules, write them on a whiteboard in the kitchen, stick to them

It sounds as though she does need you to give her a lift to and from work, so that shouldn’t upset her so much. If she has another way to get there she can use it. But she for whatever reason doesn’t drive or take public transport, and your DH is such a lazy arse that he can’t give his baby a bath or do the lifts for his DM.

Your DH sounds so lazy and a complete man child/mummy’s boy. You need to either move out together and see if that’ll give him any motivation to grow up though it sounds doubtful. Or you need to break up and move out alone cause this situation is NOT sustainable.

Babies don’t need baths every second day. Once a week is fine. Just keep them adequately topped and tailed, job done. Obviously if they vomit all over themselves (full on vomit, not milk possets) or have a poo from hell with liquid shit up their back, one of mine once had one that reached the neck in a onese, then they need a bath at that specific time.

All sounds really odd how four people are required to manage one baby. I’d suggest moving out if you live with MIL or getting her to find alternate accommodation if she lives with you.

Your husband is useless. He doesn’t do his share or protect you from his family being unreasonable. He is your biggest problem from which all other problems flow.

Wtaf is going on? Leave the 18 year old out of the equation. As a couple you should be able to meet all your child's needs. MIL sure - informal childcare but asking her to bathe your child etc is too much.

What does your DH do?

Whose house is it OP ? And who looks after your dc while you work ? Are your in laws responsible for child care at times when they aren’t working ?
i only ask because it sounds like you are the head of the household so I’m assuming it’s your house and your in-laws are living with you rather than you and your husband living with them in MIL’s house.

If I’m wrong and it’s actually you and DH living with them in their house, then I think you need to go easy on laying down the law on insisting one of them bathes the baby. This issue should be between you and your DH only. He has to take his hour off when he’s asleep like all parents do. But I can well imagine that instructing your MIL to tell her son what to do wouldn't go down too well with her. He surely knows what your working hours are and should naturally fill in the parenting gaps when you aren’t there. You shouldn’t expect MIL to police him according to your wishes when you aren’t there especially if she feels it’s not appropriate Eg too late to bathe the baby.

It sounds to me that you could be rather rigid about the routine that everybody has to stick to in your absence as well as a bit defensive. And it also sounds like your DH is lazy and unthinking.
Living with in laws takes more give and take than normal and is notoriously difficult…..as you seem to be discovering.

If I were you, I think I might give up on insisting the baby is bathed every day and just make sure baby’s other needs are met properly by your DH when you aren’t there. It’s not the responsibility of your in laws to intervene on this issue.
And be aware of listening ears when complaining to DH about your daily work load. People can be easily offended.
i would thank your MIL for arranging other means of getting to and from work as this now gives you more precious time with your baby … and might even solve the bathing the baby issue.

1. I personally do not trust my family anywhere with my DD unsupervised; my 9yo brother once got high on my mom's edibles, my mom is completely for children's melatonin gummies and getting them into hard to break habits (having the TV on all night to sleep, melatonin gummies every night, etc.) that I personally wouldn't want for any of my children
2. they make it seem like nighttime baths are a thing she shouldn't get used to (I'm a nighttime bather, whereas my husband bathes in the morning and my MIL and SIL bathe almost anytime 1x/day), but when I tell them it helps relax her for bed, they kinda ignore it when I say that
3. and I keep saying I wouldn't mind at all so long as I'm home before it gets too late, and even if she hasn't had a bath, I still don't mind taking a shower with her; I just like sticking to her schedule and ensuring she gets one before it's too late

Like if his job is stressful and involves seeing death etc I can see why he might need a little time to decompress but otherwise nah mate get on with it

None of these awful people are on your side, they're just making life harder. Move out with your baby and leave the useless manchild behind 💐

Your husband is the problem. He needs to step up and I would stop involving your mother-in-law in your disputes.

It's more the other way round. The MiL is inserting herself between them by telling the OP she can't bathe the baby either in the morning or later in the evening when she gets home.

OP you should not want these people to correct you. You're not a child, you're an adult with a job and a baby. I'm not counting your husband as he's not behaving like a partner but more like another baby himself.

It honestly sounds like you'd be better off away from these people.

Its been said multiple times already but....
YOUR HUSBAND IS THE PROBLEM.

i like an hour to myself i take it 8-9pm AFTER my child is asleep. Because i am an adult and meet my childs needs.

You also need to move out... but you know that too.

Agree with the PPs.

If moving out is not an option, you should look for a job with more sociable hours (or is this the only one which fits around family childcare?). DH should not be keeping you awake gaming and, as he’s awake at 11pm, he’s ideally placed to give MIL her lifts to work instead.

Babies absolutely do not need a bath every day. As long as their nappies are changed properly, hands and face washed, it’s fine to leave a few days between bathing. It’s actually better for their skin.
showering at 10pm is too late, she should be in bed asleep by then. Bath her in the morning if you have to. Your OH is a man child btw, bathing your own baby is not a chore, if you are the only one there to do it, you do it.

Who looks after the baby whilst you are at work? Who used to drive MIL to work before you moved in? Is it a cultural thing that you live with MIL?

What???? How often do you bathe your children?

You seem to give us a lot of information without telling us the important details, OP. I'm guessing the arrangement is your PIL are letting you and DH live with them and look after your dd while you're at work and as part of the deal you agree to ferry your MIL to work?
I'm also guessing you're in America, you use the term "mom" rather than mum. I'm not sure if that's relevant to your story.
And it sounds like your own family has I issues that means they aren't suitable to help out with childcare.

Your DH has a child to look after now- he can take his precious hour AFTER he has sorted out his daughter. Similarly, if her sleep routine and quality of sleep involve you heavily, he can deal with giving his mum lifts if needed. I think perhaps you all need a family meeting to discuss getting something you can all use to show your plans and routine to each other and start working to pull together wrt dd.

Why is he gaming/ watching tv next to you with a sleeping baby? Are you squeezed in at your MiLs? My above suggestion is only short - medium term; I'd seriously start saving your ££ to get out! Potentially sans man child if he doesn't wise up and step up.