Am I being unreasonable for asking literally anyone to give my daughter a bath?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

My (21F) husband (27M), his mom (52F), and his mom all work full time, and his sister (18F) goes to school full time as well.

We have a baby girl (9mo) who gets a bath every other day, preferably in the afternoon/evening. I guess the problem arises when I work late 3 nights per week, getting home no later than 9:45pm.

My husband is usually home Mon-Fri by 5:30pm. He also asks for 1hr/day after work. I work every day except Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Because I get home late 3x/week and she gets a bath every other day, ON TOP of the fact that she shouldn't get a bath too late, I'm only "able" to give her a bath myself on days I either don't work OR on days I come home early.

I have no problem giving her a bath when I get home late, I'll just shower with her, BUT I get chewed out for giving her a bath that late, even though no one else gave her a bath throughout the day.

When I know I'll get home late, I'll ask my husband to give her a bath, but also let MIL and SIL know she needs a bath, just so she gets one. Idc who gives it to her or when, she just needs a bath. I would prefer my husband bc she's her father and we're her parents, but like I said, whatever happens when I'm gone is not on me until I come back home.

Today was no different when I asked DH to give her a bath. He said "I'll see" since "he" gave her one earlier in the week, when in fact it was his sister who gave her one. I felt bad for SIL bc DD is not her kid but still grateful because someone gave her a bath before it got too late.

I spoke to MIL earlier today while at work, told her I asked DH to give her a bath, told her what he said, and asked if someone could give her a bath. She said she and SIL were going to clean today, I said okay, then asked if she could talk to DH since I'm not home. She told me to talk to DH bc he's my husband. I said fine.

I texted him, basically saying idc who gives her a bath, just that she needs one. If no one gives her one before I get home, I'll shower with her, end of story. He asked why I didn't give her one in the morning, I told him his mom once got on me after offering to do so in the morning because it was "too early" (even though it was between 8 and 10am), but then I came home and she hadn't had one. No problem, she'll take one with me, right? Wrong, because then DH and MIL get on me saying it's too late.

Now MIL's mad at me and idk why?? I was told we were gonna have a family meeting, I got home and all she said was, "long story short, no need to pick me up from or drop me off at work anymore".

You and your husband had this child. She is your joint responsibility, not the responsibility of anyone else, including close family members.
You and especially your husband need to get off your dead asses and parent your child.

Move out. Your husband needs to step up as a parent.

Also, your baby doesn’t need a bath every day. It’s a nice routine, but not essential.

Again, move out!!

I understand DH and I had this child, I don't see DD as anyone else's responsibility other than ours. They offered the help with childcare, we accepted.

Everyone's schedule, except for maybe DH's, revolves around making sure DD has around the clock care.

MIL told us what days she would be willing to watch DD while we were at work, so I worked my schedule around hers.

I don't expect MIL or SIL to give DD baths, complete her bedtime routine with her, or watch her even after I get home from work. I enjoy spending time with my baby by doing those little tasks with/for her, but if I'm getting chewed out for doing it late after I come back home from work, I always ask someone else to do it if at all possible. If not, that's fine, but I will follow through with her schedule on my own time as soon as I get home.

MIL is upset because I ranted to her about DH not helping me certain things (i.e. giving DD baths, laundry, cleaning, at the very least dropped MIL off at work when he's still up late or even when I'm really sick, putting DD to sleep at night, etc.) She saw my rant as me complaining about having to bring her to/from work and told me she no longer needs me to pick her up/drop her off. I tried to apologize to her for any miscommunication, but she had nothing of it.

When I'm home all day and have DD thinking I'm giving MIL and SIL a break from DD during the week, they see it as me keeping her from them. I have since then begun bringing her down to see them (they don't want to take her, just interact with her some) so they don't feel like I'm just keeping her to myself all day bc that's not my intention. And then when they actually want to take her, I may leave to go do household chores, but once she starts fussing/crying I do come back down to get her.

Apparently when I'm not home and everyone else is, DH leaves DD with MIL and/or SIL (all the while claiming he's had her the entire time). I don't find out about any of this until I come back home.

I'm not looking for anyone else to raise my child(ren), I just accepted her willingness to babysit while I'm at work. Again, I don't expect her to follow any particular routines I have in place for DD, I may ask, but I don't expect her to follow through as 1) her routines are my responsibility, and 2) I actually really enjoy completely her routines with her.

She agreed for me to work certain days so long as I can bring her to work in the afternoons (her 3pm shifts) and can pick her up in the morning (at 7am).

MIL works:
Mon/Sat (every other Sat) 11pm-7am
Tues/Thurs 3pm-7am

I (generally) work:
Mon/Thurs 8am-4pm
Wed/Fri/Sun 11:30am-9pm

DH works:
Mon-Fri 9am-5pm

SIL helps out when she is able to do so to help give MIL a break when she gets home from school (around 2:30pm).

I'm able and 1000% willing to give DD a bath any day of the week, so long as I'm not gonna get chewed out about it being "too late" on a day I get back from work late or "too early" if I decide to get it out of the way before I go to work.

Yes, we both pay rent/utilities/household groceries/cable/phones/etc. on top of our own personal and baby bills.

Move out. Live like grownups

Why can't you move out? Many posters have suggested this but you haven't responded on that point.

MIL works:
Mon/Sat (every other Sat) 11pm-7am
Tues/Thurs 3pm-7am

I (generally) work:
Mon/Thurs 8am-4pm
Wed/Fri/Sun 11:30am-9pm

DH works:
Mon-Fri 9am-5pm

Let's say travel time and handover is 30 min, and that DH manages half an hour in the morning.
Mon MIL 8.30-4.30 baby, 10.30pm-7.30am work
Tues MIL 2.30pm-7.30am work.
Weds MIL 11-5.30 baby, presume DH 5.30-9.30
Thurs MIL 8.30-2.30 baby, 2.30pm-7.30am work. Presumably SIL has the baby 2.30-4.30, because nobody else does.
Fri MIL 11-5.30 baby, presume DH 5.30-9.30
Sat MIL 10.30pm - 7.30am every other week.

So Thursdays MIL is doing a 23 hour day 8.30-7.30am, after which she takes the baby again at 11am Friday. You get in and give out about people bathing the baby, and whether you should give her a lift or not. This is just not sustainable! Stop asking MIL to do this!

MIL also only gets 3.5 hours after working all night Tuesday until she must take the baby again.

To be clear, MIL genuinely does not have enough sleep on Tuesdays, nor Thursdays, nor Fridays - because she's looking after your child. Your DH can't at those times because he's at work. He may well be useless, but she's knackered because this schedule can't possibly work.

You and your useless husband are CFs. Your expectations on your mother in law are absurd and then you moan about giving her lifts and not bathing the baby. She doesn’t have any time to sleep because she is looking after your child!

You have had a baby, you need to start acting like two adults. Move out and sort your childcare properly.

I also think this set up is very unfair on your SIL. If she's 18 and still at school, I presume she's about to take her A levels? My DD is doing her A levels this summer, she is working/ revising non stop. She makes time to fit in her sport and a bit of chill out time, I wouldn't allow her to be looking after someone else's baby at this time. She needs to be the priority.

I wouldn't even be happy if she was living with a baby in the house and all the disruption that brings, obviously nothing can be done about that if the baby is her sibling, but that's not the case here. These are really important school years for her, you really need to have a think how you can reduce the impact of your living arrangements on her as much as possible.

Don’t complain to your MIL about your DH. She’s working long unsociable hours and helps you out a lot. So stop adding to her burden. She doesn’t want to hear how useless her son is. It might be the truth but it’s still hurtful for her to hear when she is already doing so much for you both - trying to make up for his shortfall.
Leave her out of your marriage problems. Sort them yourself..between the two of you only. No need to include her at all.

The point about her getting at you when you bathe the baby late ….maybe she actually does have a point ? Think about it. If you feel she might be right then listen to her advice and don’t disturb the baby if she is too tired or drowsy. It’s not that important to delay bathing till she wakes up. If you feel she is wrong and decide to bathe her anyway, then there’s no need to even tell MIL is there …no need to make a song and dance about it. Just get on with it and ignore her.

The more you tell us, the more you must realise that your husband isn’t pulling his weight like an adult.

Why not work on that problem instead of worrying about MIL. I would be making sure your MIL feels valued and appreciated for her hard work, - while you confront the real problem in your life.

Can I just add, I think it’s odd behaviour as human beings that they won’t give your daughter/their niece/grandchild a bath just
for hygiene reasons alone. I know if my mum
had her late she’d be bathed and ready for bed by time I got home same
goes for her dad( he just wouldn’t do
it if I was there)

MIL has baby then work for 17 hours straight on Tuesday, 3.5 hours of potential sleep / food / own shower and then gets the baby again for minimum 6.5 hours up to 10.5 hours, depending how lazy the DH is being. But you think it's reasonable to say she's inhuman for skipping bath that night. What species are you that you function safely enough to bath a baby without sleep?

I feel like there's a lot of misunderstanding going on in this thread.

1. I asked if I was wrong to ask literally ANYONE at the house to give DD a bath. I obviously always ask DH first, and also just let MIL and SIL know she needs a bath that day in case DH "forgets". If no one can or wants to give her a bath, that's fine, they all know I'm willing to just shower with her once I get back home

2. we only rely on MIL for childcare while at work (something I'm actively working to change), but it's something she agreed to and really wanted to do as her grandmother, and of course we double checked with her before finalizing anything

3. i never BEGIN a conversation "complaining" about DH to MIL, I typically just add my 2 cents when she or SIL start up

4. she misunderstood me complaining about his lack of help to even drop her off at night when I pick her up every morning and took it as me complaining about giving her rides to/from work

Looking after a child is a job. That’s why parents have to choose between staying at home, childcare or family. Whoever is looking after her should be bathing her alongside everything else.

Also just to be clear you’re not asking anyone, you’re asking trusted adults who care for her.

THANK YOU for understanding what I'm trying to say

Baby doesn't need a bath every day, even every other day would be often enough! 2/3 times a week at most is more than ok. That living situation sounds like a nightmare ... escape!

Have you read paragraph two of the OP?

@MRex I didn’t mean it like that but for starters the MIL should stand up to her son and tell him to stop being so lazy and bath his child if she isn’t awake enough to do so. I actually find it hard to believe that anyone would leave her in charge of a child in or out the bath if she was accidentally falling asleep on the child so she must be awake enough to bath said child if need be rwtjer then chew mum
out for doing it when home.

I just find this arrangement bizzare with how much MIL works and she’s expected to do all of this around her hard working hours while her son is Irresponsible.

OP I would try and change my hours, leave the house do something so tbis doesn’t continue. Your not being unreasonable
those around you are. you and your child
don't deserve that

The DH is only home 30 min on two mornings and 4 hours on two evenings (2.5 hours of which babies would usually be sleeping), plus Sunday's. I expect he probably is a bit lazy and leaving MIL with the baby during some of his time, but the point I was making was that he and OP are not there at the same time. MIL has work and the baby without enough rest, because of the way the schedules are set up. Until that's resolved, the baby and MIL are in an awful position where baths should be the least of anyone's concerns.

You are a 21 year old mother move out with or without the 'dh' for the sake of your dd.

Oh my God - everything in this post is utterly ridiculous!

Why is it important that your baby is bathed every other day? Babies really don't need that! If it matters that much to you and nobody else will do it, then bathe her whenever it suits you, and sod everyone else's opinion. It seems to me that family rows are being caused by something that really doesn't need to happen.

Your DH needs to get over himself and "his hour", why on earth should one parent be entitled to time to themselves and not the other... But also you are taking the bath thing to the extreme. It really doesn't matter if they don't have a bath every day or other day. In fact, the hospital told us it's better not to, every 3 days is plenty unless they need one because they're particularly dirty (slipped in mud, covered in paint etc). Your husband should just suck it up and give her a bath, but for something that isn't a necessity I wouldn't get so stressed out or make such a thing of it. But the living situation clearly isn't working so you really need to do something about it before you all drive each other crazy and something is said that can't be undone...