Am I being unreasonable for asking literally anyone to give my daughter a bath?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

My (21F) husband (27M), his mom (52F), and his mom all work full time, and his sister (18F) goes to school full time as well.

We have a baby girl (9mo) who gets a bath every other day, preferably in the afternoon/evening. I guess the problem arises when I work late 3 nights per week, getting home no later than 9:45pm.

My husband is usually home Mon-Fri by 5:30pm. He also asks for 1hr/day after work. I work every day except Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Because I get home late 3x/week and she gets a bath every other day, ON TOP of the fact that she shouldn't get a bath too late, I'm only "able" to give her a bath myself on days I either don't work OR on days I come home early.

I have no problem giving her a bath when I get home late, I'll just shower with her, BUT I get chewed out for giving her a bath that late, even though no one else gave her a bath throughout the day.

When I know I'll get home late, I'll ask my husband to give her a bath, but also let MIL and SIL know she needs a bath, just so she gets one. Idc who gives it to her or when, she just needs a bath. I would prefer my husband bc she's her father and we're her parents, but like I said, whatever happens when I'm gone is not on me until I come back home.

Today was no different when I asked DH to give her a bath. He said "I'll see" since "he" gave her one earlier in the week, when in fact it was his sister who gave her one. I felt bad for SIL bc DD is not her kid but still grateful because someone gave her a bath before it got too late.

I spoke to MIL earlier today while at work, told her I asked DH to give her a bath, told her what he said, and asked if someone could give her a bath. She said she and SIL were going to clean today, I said okay, then asked if she could talk to DH since I'm not home. She told me to talk to DH bc he's my husband. I said fine.

I texted him, basically saying idc who gives her a bath, just that she needs one. If no one gives her one before I get home, I'll shower with her, end of story. He asked why I didn't give her one in the morning, I told him his mom once got on me after offering to do so in the morning because it was "too early" (even though it was between 8 and 10am), but then I came home and she hadn't had one. No problem, she'll take one with me, right? Wrong, because then DH and MIL get on me saying it's too late.

Now MIL's mad at me and idk why?? I was told we were gonna have a family meeting, I got home and all she said was, "long story short, no need to pick me up from or drop me off at work anymore".

Why are you all living with poor mil? Surely if your old enough to have a baby your old enough to house yourselves especially with your dh being closer to 30.

@Starlitestarbright Dh co-owns the house with MIL

Surely the daily bathing ritual is part of your dd's wind down to bedtime routine? Babies sleep better if they have routine. So to leave it do late until you get in from work is far from ideal.
What does your "D"H do for work, OP? And what are his hours?
This all sounds incredibly stressful for one so young (for you, I mean, not your husband).

What a nightmare.
This living situation isn't working for anyone so it's time to start considering what alternatives are possible.

Wait, where is the baby when everyone is full time working? It all sounds very complicated, and unnecessarily difficult. Why is your husband on TV/Headset instead of picking his mum up and letting you sleep? He sounds like an overgrown teenager, which- living at home- he may as well be. Get your FT wages put to use on rent and move the fuck out and parent your own child together.

Grown adult man-baby marries and gets a woman barely out of girlhood pregnant, then delegates anything he doesn't want to do to her or his mother or sister.

Colour me shocked

@ConfusedAdult2001 You're not wrong to want your husband to step up, but if he won't either a) be a bit less regimented on the bathing; or b) have a go back at him if you're bathing the baby late. You're a grown woman, you are allowed to bite back when someone chews you out for doing something they could have done earlier but didn't because they're a lazy helpless man-baby.

DH is tied to MIL. This poster has posted many times before.

@Mirabai how do we know this? I can't get the search thing to come up with the name to check other posts.

Just put her username in the advanced search box. Afair - she’s from a conservative Christian background in the US. She’s cut ties with her own mum for good reason, but has ended up in the grip of another not dissimilar family in which everyone expects the men to be dominant including her, and her DH and MIL are very close.

She pitches up periodically under different names, is given good advice (don’t marry him, don’t have a kid with him etc) but then carries on.

Bear that in mind if you’re investing time in advising her.

Well if this setup is what you want for the rest of your life then carry on.
If it's not, move out of this dysfunctional circus.

She doesn't need to do more family meetings.
She needs a husband who will give his own child a bath without her having to beg anyone else in the house.
She needs a husband who will give his own mother a lift occasionally instead of expecting his wife to do that after 11 pm when she has to be up at six.
Her mother and SIL sound like they help out, but it sounds like 3 women picking up the slack for a lazy man who needs his hour an a half me time that no one else seems to get.

I just want to start off by saying it wasn't really about the bath, by why MIL was so pissed at me, which I found out was due to something I said that she took out of context.

I've known for a while now that being with DH makes me feel like a single parent, but I also thought it would be easier than living on my own with DD, which I now realize was a huge lie to myself.

I know and completely understand MIL and SIL are doing us a huge favor with childcare, hence why I try not to lean on them when I get back home from work, especially bc DD is my child, not theirs. I don't expect them to do anything for her other than care for her while I'm gone and the occasional look after while I'm home so I can get chores/personal care done.

Our agreement was that I could work certain days/hours so long as it works with everyone else's schedules and I can bring MIL to/from work.

DH works 9-5 in HR Mon-Fri, hence why I get kinda peeved when he acts like he can't help care for our child on his 2 days off - not keep her by himself all day, just the occasional look after.

I will very likely start looking at life alone with my baby with the way things are looking in my current situation.

You’re being treated like a child by your MIL becoase you’re young, and living in the same house as her. So it’s easy to infantilise you.

You need to move out/ask her to leave, depending on who’s house it is.

Your baby needs 2 or 3 baths a week max. Your husband is useless, but might he step up a bit if he doesn’t have mummy in his ear all the time?

Try living together as a family of 3. Give him a chance - if he’s still useless and rude you’ll need to make a new plan…

So you MIL was pissed off when she overheard you complain about having to take her to work - which was the agreement you have with her in exchange for her doing the childcare. So why dont you understand why she was pissed off?

By the looks of it you MIL has taken her in as one of her own - and is completely enabling you to have your child and work. Yes, you should move out - then the fact your DH does nothing and it doesnt add up with become completely obvious if it isnt already

I complained to her about DH not doing anything to make my job easier, such as bringing her to work at night if I pick her up in the morning. The agreement was just for me to pick her up in the morning and drop her off in the afternoons when I'm home. Originally, DH was dropping her off at night, but when I occasionally started doing it because he "couldn't" or didn't want to in the moment, but I was also the one picking her up in the morning. I didn't complain about dropping her off and picking her up because none of that bothers me.

Sorry if I have missed this, but when does MIL sleep if she is working nights and providing childcare

Not really answering your AIBU but you really don't need to bathe baby that often. Once a week in enough for a proper bath unless they are properly soiled/poo explosions etc. otherriwse strip washes/top and tail/baby wipes are fine

I agree with others that the baby doesn’t need so many baths. They only need their faces, hands and bums cleaned frequently.
As for the rest of this mess, you’re focusing on the details @ConfusedAdult2001 like baths, lifts and everyone’s schedule and what they are saying. The bigger picture is what’s important I.e. living with your in-laws is claustrophobic, awful and generally not working; your MIL is weird; your husband is useless; and basically living with the in-laws is not good for you and the baby AT ALL.
Have you posted about them before? I recognise some elements of the MIL and SIL weirdness.
Unfortunately you are stuck with all this hassle and misery unless you find the courage to get out of their house, with or without your husband, who doesn’t sound interested in his wife and child anyway.

I would get rid of all three of them.

I don't get the obsession with daily baths for a baby though.

Oh don't worry about her sleeping. They take her to work so it's fine...

MIL works 3-4 nights/week, and will usually only have DD almost immediately after work 1-2x/week, but when SIL gets home from school, she takes over watching DD until either me or DH gets home.

On days I work late, I get everything ready for DD (diaper changed, next bottle prepped, clothes changed, etc.) and put her down for a nap with MIL so they're both asleep when I leave.

On days where I work early in the morning, those are the mornings DD goes with MIL either right as we get home from picking her up or during the wee hours of the morning when MIL is actually awake before she's supposed to go to work later in the afternoon.

But like I mentioned in my original post, whatever happens between the 3 of them when I'm not home, I don't have any control over. So if DH leaves DD with one of them until I get home claiming he's had her up until then, I don't know and I'm not asking when I get home, because I take her for the rest of the night afterwards anyway. MIL will just complain to me about it and being tired when DH leaves DD with them, and when I tell her to talk to him she says she doesn't want to bc she's "not doing it for us, but for DD."

Whenever I mention her talking to DH about her perspective on the situation, she says she doesn't want to bc there's basically no point in her doing so, and "you know how he is".

In the same breath, if I keep her all day, thinking I'm giving MIL and SIL a break from having her throughout the week when I'm not home to take her, they both complain about me having her all day to myself. So it feels like a lose-lose situation all around. And then MIL will go to DH (without saying anything to me firsthand ofc) about me keeping DD to myself, even though I only do it bc we're relaxing, they're busy and I'm not going to leave DD with them for a while just to hear them complain in the midst of me running to get a few things done around the house.

You're both taking the absolute piss out of your MIL and SIL.

You need to sort work between the two of you or pay for childcare.

It sounds worse and worse with every post. OP, you are DH are being very unreasonable. Your poor MIL -and SIL.

The tense atmosphere must be hard to live in
Your DD's Dad could be giving her a bath during his hour " me time"
I don't see the necessity for a family meeting as she is your child
I think its unreasonable for MiL to want lifts at 11pm but can I ask if you pay her rent and share costs?
The answer is simply to move out

Just seen it's DH and MiL own the house. Can MiL buy him out?
This situation won't change whilst you're all under the same roof
Far too complicated to sustain