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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for asking literally anyone to give my daughter a bath?

147 replies

ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 03:24

My (21F) husband (27M), his mom (52F), and his mom all work full time, and his sister (18F) goes to school full time as well.

We have a baby girl (9mo) who gets a bath every other day, preferably in the afternoon/evening. I guess the problem arises when I work late 3 nights per week, getting home no later than 9:45pm.

My husband is usually home Mon-Fri by 5:30pm. He also asks for 1hr/day after work. I work every day except Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Because I get home late 3x/week and she gets a bath every other day, ON TOP of the fact that she shouldn't get a bath too late, I'm only "able" to give her a bath myself on days I either don't work OR on days I come home early.

I have no problem giving her a bath when I get home late, I'll just shower with her, BUT I get chewed out for giving her a bath that late, even though no one else gave her a bath throughout the day.

When I know I'll get home late, I'll ask my husband to give her a bath, but also let MIL and SIL know she needs a bath, just so she gets one. Idc who gives it to her or when, she just needs a bath. I would prefer my husband bc she's her father and we're her parents, but like I said, whatever happens when I'm gone is not on me until I come back home.

Today was no different when I asked DH to give her a bath. He said "I'll see" since "he" gave her one earlier in the week, when in fact it was his sister who gave her one. I felt bad for SIL bc DD is not her kid but still grateful because someone gave her a bath before it got too late.

I spoke to MIL earlier today while at work, told her I asked DH to give her a bath, told her what he said, and asked if someone could give her a bath. She said she and SIL were going to clean today, I said okay, then asked if she could talk to DH since I'm not home. She told me to talk to DH bc he's my husband. I said fine.

I texted him, basically saying idc who gives her a bath, just that she needs one. If no one gives her one before I get home, I'll shower with her, end of story. He asked why I didn't give her one in the morning, I told him his mom once got on me after offering to do so in the morning because it was "too early" (even though it was between 8 and 10am), but then I came home and she hadn't had one. No problem, she'll take one with me, right? Wrong, because then DH and MIL get on me saying it's too late.

Now MIL's mad at me and idk why?? I was told we were gonna have a family meeting, I got home and all she said was, "long story short, no need to pick me up from or drop me off at work anymore".

OP posts:
BluetheBear · 27/03/2023 08:37

My first thought was it's yours and your DH's job to bath your child and he should be able to do it when you're not there. It's not ideal to live in family situations like that all under one roof. I also don't think they need a bath every day or every other day. I used cheeky wipes for hands, face and bottom and that felt clean enough for days we didn't do a bath.

When you mentioned the lifts I felt slightly differently as it's clear you do things for your MIL too. Who pays the mortgage? How do you contribute? I can understand your MIL being annoyed. You're not being unreasonable but no one wants to hear someone talk that way.

I think your DH needs to bath your daughter when you're not there. I feel like men say things like "I'll see" when women just get on with it as it's needed. Saying that my toddler has a bath when it suits. I am for every other day but if we're busy or something then we miss a day and it's not the end of the world.

MRex · 27/03/2023 08:39

Giving two lifts in exchange for free childcare is incredibly cheap. I imagine this isn't about the bath, but the extraordinary amount of childcare. MIL must be permanently exhausted when she works at night and then has your baby in the daytime, you're going to have to start thinking about nursery care at some point because that's not sustainable and could get dangerous if she starts falling asleep with an active toddler.

Your child does not need a bath every other day, it's bad for the skin so just drop that down to a couple of times per week and stop making extra demands on top of the childcare. You do need to be able to have a shower whenever suits though, so if your DH owns half the house (are you sure he actually owns it?), then you need to discuss and resolve that with him. You should also think about whether this living situation is working for everyone, it sounds like a lot of tensions bubbling up where having your own two flats would be a lot less stress.

Choconut · 27/03/2023 08:39

I think you just need to stop obsessing about her having a bath every other day. You do seem obsessed with it. It won't hurt her if she misses one because you're late or whatever.

IhearyouClemFandango · 27/03/2023 08:40

Is your baby not asleep at 930ish?

Darktowers · 27/03/2023 08:43

My dc all needed a bath daily , occasionally twice if there was a poo explosion or blw was particularly messy. Their skin was fine not dry at all

Your dh needs to help OP

PinkSyCo · 27/03/2023 08:44

I just feel sorry for your MIL. Bad enough that you and your DH are using her for free/cheap accommodation and childcare but you want her to sort out your battles too. Time for you to stop playing at marriage, and start standing on your own two feet otherwise the two of you are never going to grow up and be responsible for the needs of YOUR child.

WigglyWaggly · 27/03/2023 08:48

Sounds like a bad and depressing situation for everyone. Are you planning more kids?

typopro · 27/03/2023 08:53

Does your husband work? What does he do?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2023 08:55

Move as far away from these people as possible!

They don't/won't drive or learn how to, expect you to drop them off and pick them up, won't help with your baby and your DH doesn't seem to give a shit.

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like a slave?

Don't let you daughter grow up thinking this is normal. It is not.

Get out now for your own sanity. They are a family unit (a bonkers one, but they all seem to be in on it) and they are taking advantage of you.

Workinghardeveryday · 27/03/2023 08:55

Darktowers · 27/03/2023 08:43

My dc all needed a bath daily , occasionally twice if there was a poo explosion or blw was particularly messy. Their skin was fine not dry at all

Your dh needs to help OP

I totally agree.

I do not get all the comments on not needing to bath your baby (who is 9 months) daily.

If I was weeing and pooing into a nappy all day I wouldn’t skip a bath, or have one a week!! That is disgusting. Why are babies different?

You can wipe and wipe with baby wipes, but they never smell bath clean. Not to mention the slaver down their necks, food in their hair etc.

All my kids were bathed every single night come what may. It was part of their routine and they loved it.

They still have the same routine now, dd17 ds12 dd12.

gogohmm · 27/03/2023 08:57

Since when do parents get an hour to themselves? They don't! An hour per week to play sport or another hobby fair enough but not daily whilst his family care for his child!

In all honesty, you need to get out, living with family who treat you like the help is never going to work, why can't they drive even???

smizing · 27/03/2023 08:58

Darktowers · 27/03/2023 08:43

My dc all needed a bath daily , occasionally twice if there was a poo explosion or blw was particularly messy. Their skin was fine not dry at all

Your dh needs to help OP

Mine as well. No way I could get away with once a week. He would be stinking 😂

bussteward · 27/03/2023 09:05

The baths and number of is one of those irrelevant things that even with every dripfeed and revelation, MN will continue harping about til page 40 of the thread. OP could post that she wants to leave but how, and someone will say “very drying for baby’s skin”.

OP, the only solution here is to move out and get alternative childcare. Personally I’d move out without your useless DH, especially since that would be less complicated given the home ownership issue. But your choice.

Cornishclio · 27/03/2023 09:06

Two issues here.

It sounds like living with MIL and SIL is not working.

Your husband is lazy and selfish.

If you are working and he is home he should bath your daughter. I know some say they don't need bathing regularly but unless she has delicate skin which gets irritated by frequent bathing I would make it part of the bath, book and bed routine. My DD baths her older children every other day so I guess that's ok. I don't think once a week is enough if she is in nappies.

As for the lifts I would suck it up if you are getting free childcare but make your DH do it sometimes.

pettysquabbles · 27/03/2023 09:07

What a dysfunctional set up. Move out as soon as you can.

BadNomad · 27/03/2023 09:12

She doesn't "live with MIL". It is her husband's home. DH and MIL both own the house.

ItsTimeToWine · 27/03/2023 09:15

Your baby doesn't need so many baths, unless she's had an explosion/been sick everywhere, 2 times a week max is fine. A wipe with a flannel everyday obviously.

As for the rest of this, you need to move out, being summoned to a family meeting, are you 5?

Plock · 27/03/2023 09:19

KittyAlfred · 27/03/2023 07:58

That’s disgusting. Would you piss and shit in a nappy and get by with just baby wipes for a week?

Show quote history

I always cleaned my baby's bum with soap and water after a poo, not wipes. He got a bath once a week because he has eczema and it dried his skin out badly to do it more often than that.

He's 7 now and still gets a bath only twice a week, sometimes more if he gets very grubby, due to his skin.

cansu · 27/03/2023 09:23

Utterly ridiculous. What the fuck is wrong with your lazy husband who can't be arsed to wash his own child? Tell them at their fame meeting that the child must be bathed every day. On the days you work late that will be your husbands job.

Scalottia · 27/03/2023 09:28

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2023 03:54

My head almost exploded reading that.

Your husband is fucking useless and you need to get away from your in-laws. Fucking hell.

Exactly this. Life is too short for this shit. You are only 21.

MRex · 27/03/2023 09:29

The idea of leaving poo until this sacred daily bath is utterly vile, I've never been able to get my head around it. Buy foam soap and clean the poor child properly every time the nappy is changed. Baths are for hair wash, general dirt, mud, paint, etc.

EwwSprouts · 27/03/2023 09:43

Just tell them all to keep their opinions to themselves except your DH. Bathe your DC at whatever time works for you and expect DH to step up regularly. And yes it's time to get your own place.

jannier · 27/03/2023 09:44

Your problems are the lazy arsed dad who should be caring for his child and driving his family why put up with it.

Mirabai · 27/03/2023 09:50

Are you the American who lives down a long drive? In which case you’ve been told many times across many thread Ps to get away from this toxic family and situation, but by the sounds of it you’ve had a kid instead.

I mean it is what it is.

Aprilx · 27/03/2023 09:51

ConfusedAdult2001 · 27/03/2023 05:58

And apparently I sounded like I was demanding someone give her a bath and was being condescending to them as though none of them have ever dealt with a baby before.

Only thing is, I never intended to sound condescending or demanding. I simply asked if someone could give her a bath. Granted, I may have said I didn't care who gave her a bath, but restated that she just needed one.

Which apparently everyone took as me being condescending? I only ask so I KNOW whether or not she's had a bath. If not, I know to give her one when I get home.

I can try to work on my word choice with people, but I feel like everyone should know by now that I never have ill intent in anything I say, ESPECIALLY the ppl I live with day in and day out.

You need to keep your MIL and SIL out of this, you have no right to be giving out instructions that “one of them” has to bath your daughter. This is strictly between you and your husband. You and him need to move out and to be honest if he doesn’t stop being such a lazy useless arse, maybe you and the baby will be better off on your own.