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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I steal their cat? (Sorry long)

284 replies

Babbitybowsters · 25/03/2023 10:09

Apologies for the long post but don't want to dripfeed.

I fostered a cat for 2 years for a woman and two kids, because they didn't have anywhere to live that would accept cats. The woman actually didn't contact me for 1 whole year so I thought he was actually my cat now.

She did however get in touch at Xmas to ask for him back. I didn't want to upset her kids and thought it was the right thing to do so I gave him back in January and we kept in touch.

After two weeks (early Feb) the 12 year old let him out and he ran off and then the family went out for the day. He then went missing for 5 weeks and was found by them emaciated and near death having been trapped in an outdoor store cupboard for that time. During that time I couldn't eat or sleep for worry and did everything I could to get him back. I even begged them for the chip number to update his details as they hadn't done it. And I registered the details in my name as they still don't really have permanent address or reliable phone number (long story).

The day after he was found they took him to the PDSA vet came to see me as I lived next to the PDSA vets and we all went together to see him. The vet asked someone to visit in the morning to move him to another vets. The woman asked me as she lived a 30 min train journey away and didn't want to have to get up so early because she is on her own and heavily pregnant. I agreed and picked him up last Thursday and transported him from the night vet to the day vet. At that point he had a seizure and the vet was suggesting putting him to sleep. I begged him not to. It was agreed that we give him to 5pm that day to make a decision. The woman said she wouldn't come unless there was a definite decision and again asked me to go. To my amazement he had perked up and the vet said I could take him home and, being so in shock, I took him to my flat 2 mins from the vets.

As soon he got there he was purring and going back to all his old spots (even though he could barely walk). It was like he had never left and all his things from the past 2 years are here. He is sleeping on my chest everynight.

Last Friday I asked the woman if they would like to come and visit him and they said they would and then didn't turn up. At that point I decided it would be wrong to move him again, as he is so settled here and I'd miss him so much. I also feel they were a bit irresponsible letting him out so soon etc.

I've now spent £400 at my own vets getting home blood tests etc and getting him special food which I know they can't afford as they are currently using food banks.

I wrote the family a nice letter asking if he could stay with me and saying I felt it would be cruel to unsettle him again. The family have responded saying the 12 year is crying every day and he "needs to come home!". But surely his home is here, where I kept him safe for the last 2 years?

Thanks for reading as I am so very torn, particularly as I don't want to upset a child.

OP posts:
Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 25/03/2023 10:55

Ooh I really wanted to say you were unreasonable from your first paragraph. I had a whole spiel of how you were being selfish and ready to point out that fostering isn't permanent.

Keep the cat. Ask for the £400 vet money back....I am sure the crying 12 year old will not be such an issue for the mum then. ( I say this as a mother and an animal lover)

Ingrowncrotchhair · 25/03/2023 10:56

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 25/03/2023 10:52

Yes, exactly. You need ownership papers .

Show quote history

it’s down to the chip. How else would anyone know that these papers you mention refer to that specific cat that is chipped to Joe Bloggs, and looks similar to a bunch of other cats, actually belongs to Jane Smith?

704703hey · 25/03/2023 10:58

You and the cat sound happy together, cat is loved and cared for. The lady has a precarious living situation.

It's a no brainer really!

Mirabai · 25/03/2023 10:58

Sassyfox · 25/03/2023 10:51

YABU

I foster pets for women escaping domestic violence.

They have no fixed address, live in refuges or B&Bs, often have no money or no job but their pet is still their pet and I will always give their pet back.

Sometimes it’s heartbreaking because I worry the woman will go back to her DP and the pet be at risk of abuse but I cannot just steal their pet.

It sounds like your situation is very similar and you were only ever looking after her pet and so you cannot just keep it now.

This. If you foster an animal you’re the fosterer not the owner no matter how badly the owners behave.

You need to get your own cats.

Peckhaminn · 25/03/2023 10:58

Hi OP. Please please keep the cat. We have a cat we're currently 'fostering' as he appears to be a stray but found out he actually lives a few roads away and the owners are never at home.

We have therefore decided to take ownership and not bothering to tell the old ones as they clearly don't give a shit. He will have a much better life with you.

8e88e · 25/03/2023 10:59

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 25/03/2023 10:52

Yes, exactly. You need ownership papers .

Show quote history

It's very unlikely that this woman has ownership papers though. I means she might do but most people don't and it sounds like she doesn't give a shit about the cat anyway. So in this situation she has nothing to say the cat is hers. OPs details are the ones on the microchip and she has been the one paying the bills.

I work for dogs trust and all we ask is that the microchip is in the name of the person handing over. Not papers. If someone comes in saying "that's my dog someone brought him in and rehomed him" we would say well their details were on the chip, not yours. Do you have any proof on paper? If they don't.. it's tough. They can't prove it. It's a legal requirement to have your dog's chipped (not sure about cats though) so if you don't get your pet chipped in your name then you have to accept the consequences unfortunately. You have nothing to say the animal is yours. Of course I can only speak on behalf of the charity here, not vets and stuff but thought it was worth mentioning.

letsallmeetupinthehyear2000 · 25/03/2023 11:00

I agree with all the advice OP - for the sake of the cat ( and all you’ve done) either say it’s dead or very ill needing treatment and you can’t afford the vets fees and can they pay - which they won’t I’m sure. I wish you and the cat a happy life x

Ingrowncrotchhair · 25/03/2023 11:01

Mirabai · 25/03/2023 10:58

This. If you foster an animal you’re the fosterer not the owner no matter how badly the owners behave.

You need to get your own cats.

Show quote history

Would you apply the same mentality to children?

keep them with biological parents no matter how badly they behave because they’re the parents?

why should the cat suffer?

Original poster
Babbitybowsters · 25/03/2023 11:01

Just to add it was an informal fostering situation, so that's why the agreement is not clear.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 25/03/2023 11:03

You've paid all the bills. Until she can pay you back, keep hold of the cat. She'd have to take you to court for ownership and the judge would say that you asking her to repay your expenses if she wants the cat is fair.

Chias · 25/03/2023 11:03

WimpoleHat · 25/03/2023 10:25

The family have responded saying the 12 year is crying every day and he "needs to come home!".

Say “of course - what date is convenient? Will you send me the £400 for the vet’s bill via bank transfer or is cash when you collect easier?”. Bet you never hear from them again.

This would probably do the trick.

Sortyourlifeout · 25/03/2023 11:04

Peckhaminn · 25/03/2023 10:58

Hi OP. Please please keep the cat. We have a cat we're currently 'fostering' as he appears to be a stray but found out he actually lives a few roads away and the owners are never at home.

We have therefore decided to take ownership and not bothering to tell the old ones as they clearly don't give a shit. He will have a much better life with you.

Totally different situation.

You stole your neighbors cat. OP didn't steal anyone's cat.

lionsleepstonight · 25/03/2023 11:05

As neither a cat owner or cat liker I don't really get into the cat ownership ideal. If the cat wanders off and finds a new home it's happier in then let it.

You know you can give the cat a better home. I wouldn't say it's dead but say, once they've paid you back the £400 they can come and collect it. You'll not see them for dust.

WestendVBroadway · 25/03/2023 11:06

Babbitybowsters · 25/03/2023 11:01

Just to add it was an informal fostering situation, so that's why the agreement is not clear.

What was the agreement re expenses? I think if you are fostering you should pay for basics, however extra expense such as vet bills, chips etc should be met by the owner if they are expecting to get the cat returned to them eventually.

AppleKatie · 25/03/2023 11:08

I would offer the cat back once vets bills are reimbursed and let her know that it’s such a shame he now needs specialist food at £££ per month and medication at ££££.

Congratulations, he’s your cat now.

IClaudine · 25/03/2023 11:08

I would be upfront with her. Tell her you are concerned that she is unable to give the cat the care it needs. Tell her that if she is able to find the £400 you have paid out and proof that she has taken out pet insurance, that will go some way to reassuring you that the cat will be cared for going forward.

If she can't do that, then tell her it is best the cat stays with you.

Gymmum82 · 25/03/2023 11:10

They are not in a place to take care of a cat. Or indeed any animal. They can barely take care of themselves. I would lie. Unfortunately he took a bad turn and passed away overnight. Then you keep him. They have no business asking for a cat back that you’ve kept for 2 years and they neglected on its return

Yiayoula · 25/03/2023 11:10

Keep the cat.
Bin the “friend”.

Bless you for being the loving , attentive owner he needs. Enjoy each other !

cloudyskye · 25/03/2023 11:11

Sassyfox · 25/03/2023 10:51

YABU

I foster pets for women escaping domestic violence.

They have no fixed address, live in refuges or B&Bs, often have no money or no job but their pet is still their pet and I will always give their pet back.

Sometimes it’s heartbreaking because I worry the woman will go back to her DP and the pet be at risk of abuse but I cannot just steal their pet.

It sounds like your situation is very similar and you were only ever looking after her pet and so you cannot just keep it now.

I don’t think this is helpful. This cat is a living being and he wasn’t being cared for.

OP you have rescued him, not stolen him. Just stop responding to them.

Darkstar4855 · 25/03/2023 11:12

I’d tell her she can have him back when she’s paid you for the cost of his vet bills.

MissMaple82 · 25/03/2023 11:12

I'd also say the cat has died. People think they have automatic rights to cats as they are property. I don't see it like that, they don't sound responsible and the household sounds very chaotic. The cat, I'm sure will be much happier with you. He's chipped in your details too so I'm not sure what's rights she has legally anyway

TheNoodlesIncident · 25/03/2023 11:12

How much is the two years' fostering on top of the vets' bill of £400? My cat's cattery cost is £10 per day. That's quite a lot they owe you... Wink

They shouldn't keep animals they can't afford to feed or pay the inevitable vets' bills for.

Technically and legally it's their pet. But in that case they owe you a substantial amount of money. Are you prepared to write that sum off if they pass ownership to you? That might be best all round.

Original poster
Babbitybowsters · 25/03/2023 11:13

WestendVBroadway · 25/03/2023 11:06

What was the agreement re expenses? I think if you are fostering you should pay for basics, however extra expense such as vet bills, chips etc should be met by the owner if they are expecting to get the cat returned to them eventually.

Show quote history

I paid for all food and vets bills for the duration. Everything was very rushed and I didn't think it would last for 2 years. I'm probably at fault for not seeking clarification earlier. Although she did not reply to my texts for a year and I had no other way of contact.

OP posts:
cloudyskye · 25/03/2023 11:13

8e88e · 25/03/2023 10:59

It's very unlikely that this woman has ownership papers though. I means she might do but most people don't and it sounds like she doesn't give a shit about the cat anyway. So in this situation she has nothing to say the cat is hers. OPs details are the ones on the microchip and she has been the one paying the bills.

I work for dogs trust and all we ask is that the microchip is in the name of the person handing over. Not papers. If someone comes in saying "that's my dog someone brought him in and rehomed him" we would say well their details were on the chip, not yours. Do you have any proof on paper? If they don't.. it's tough. They can't prove it. It's a legal requirement to have your dog's chipped (not sure about cats though) so if you don't get your pet chipped in your name then you have to accept the consequences unfortunately. You have nothing to say the animal is yours. Of course I can only speak on behalf of the charity here, not vets and stuff but thought it was worth mentioning.

Show quote history

I believe micro chipping is now becoming a legal requirement for cats too.

Mirabai · 25/03/2023 11:13

Ingrowncrotchhair · 25/03/2023 11:01

Would you apply the same mentality to children?

keep them with biological parents no matter how badly they behave because they’re the parents?

why should the cat suffer?

Show quote history

If the parents are negligent there are official channels to follow including SS assessment, foster parents can’t just keep the kids if they think they’re doing a better job.

In this case as long as the owners feed the cat and it lives in their house - you can’t really say they’re negligent - in which case you’d contact RSPCA.

That said, if the OP requests the £400 for treatment etc, they may not follow up anyway.