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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum hasn't invited DC due to food allergy

261 replies

AIBRU · 24/03/2023 22:56

DC has food allergies. There's a school mum I'd spoken to about this before as she was curious.

She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies. I explained that we never expect people to cater to it and always make sure we bring alternatives. When she mentioned again "still, it must be so tough", I said it wasn't. It isn't at all, DC has now been to loads of parties and DC has never had to eat the food we've taken with.

DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party, which now turns out to be in a party venue (another parent told me this). We have never had a party venue charge more or say they could not cater for DC. We've never even been to a restaurant who could not cater for DC.

I'm annoyed, not necessarily that my child is the only one who's not going (although it's a bit of a shitty thing to do) but that they've clearly used this as an excuse.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fansandblankets · 24/03/2023 22:59

Ah that’s rubbish ☹️. My son had two friends with nut allergies. They came to all our parties and the parents just left epi pens with me.

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/03/2023 23:01

How weird.

I would be fairly tempted to ring up and say what’s going on?

superoz · 24/03/2023 23:03

Is your dc absolutely the only one in the class not invited? Or is there only a certain number of children going? If your child isn’t a particularly close friend maybe that’s why there wasn’t an invite.

BeatriceFranklin · 24/03/2023 23:06

Do you know for sure your child isn’t invited due to food allergy? It’s odd your child hasn’t been invited when you’ve already explained that you normally bring your own food to parties.

BeatriceFranklin · 24/03/2023 23:08

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/03/2023 23:01

How weird.

I would be fairly tempted to ring up and say what’s going on?

For goodness sake why would you ring someone because your child hasn’t been invited to a party?

ThrowAwayOne · 24/03/2023 23:09

Ah this sucks, my DS has a food allergy too and unfortunately this does happen. The kids are all actually very good with him and would ask if it's ok to eat certain foods around him but the adults, I've found, just have no patience for it and would rather just not invite him. Luckily DS understands that not everyone is ok with being responsible for a child with an allergy so I just remind him of that when it happens.

BirminghamNewStreet · 24/03/2023 23:09

That's tough, as a mum of a child with a serious nut allergy I can empathise but you're going to have to rise above it. No way should you have it out with the party mum. She'd go down in my mental black book as an ignoramus.

poolcrew · 24/03/2023 23:44

How old is your DC? Are you at the drop and run stage or would you normally stay just in case?

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 25/03/2023 00:12

What a cow.

One of DSs friends had multiple food allergies.

We have taken him to theme parks, had him overnight, we are just very careful and take the epi pens everywhere.

Im so sorry you have had this.

Humans can be really shitty sometimes.

Original poster
AIBRU · 25/03/2023 01:20

I'm not going to approach her as I doubt I could keep my cool and I doubt she will mention it to me either as I don't think she has the balls to even try. Although she's done it so I wouldn't put it past her to be nonchalant about it to me. She has majorly gone down in my books and I'll definitely remember it.

Either me or DH stay but DC has got to the stage they are cautious and will just reject food if they suspect any contains an allergen. They are not fatal so no epi pen needed.

All of them had them, yes. Even children her DC is not close to, my child and hers are very fond of each other. I think it's cruel to ostracise a child like she has though, they will all notice. If it were due to numbers (and she'd invited less) or if they weren't friends then I'd understand.

I haven't be able to shake off how annoyed I am this evening.

OP posts:
Bigboysmademedoit · 25/03/2023 01:45

You’re totally jumping to conclusions - no one has said this is why your son hasn’t been invited. If there’s a cost per child they probably had to limit numbers and your DC didn’t make the cut. Don’t embarrass yourself by making a scene.

MyKitchenRules · 25/03/2023 01:47

Have you thought maybe she has approached the venue and they have said they can't be responsible for cross contamination and she is worried incase something happens. I know a few venues local to me that would actively discourage kids with Allergies to not be held responsible. Which is awful for a venue not to cater for Allergies but people are so scared to risk a child's life if they physically can't fully eliminate all allergens.

Original poster
AIBRU · 25/03/2023 02:38

Bigboysmademedoit · 25/03/2023 01:45

You’re totally jumping to conclusions - no one has said this is why your son hasn’t been invited. If there’s a cost per child they probably had to limit numbers and your DC didn’t make the cut. Don’t embarrass yourself by making a scene.

I'm not going to out myself completely by posting all the circumstances but I know for a fact it was not due to numbers. I'm not going to "embarrass" myself as I said I won't bring it up and neither will she. I'm not saying it's 100% the reason because who knows how she operates now I've seen the other side but definitely what she was trying to edge towards at the beginning. If she tries to excuse it as the reason then of course I'd have something to say.

Their DC is having their party in a venue we are familiar with (and have eaten at as recently as last month).

OP posts:
Phoebo · 25/03/2023 02:48

BeatriceFranklin · 24/03/2023 23:08

For goodness sake why would you ring someone because your child hasn’t been invited to a party?

Show quote history

Probably the same kind of person who calls the bride when they aren't invited to a wedding 🤣
As PP said are you sure the allergies are the reason, and it's only your child?

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 03:38

Quite possibly she feels too anxious about having a child with a life threatening allergy in her care during the party. If she isn’t familiar with allergies, then it just feels too risky and anxiety provoking for her.

Cassiehopes · 25/03/2023 03:46

She might not be a terrible person. I have OCD and would have enormous difficulty navigating this situation, it would probably trigger weeks of anxiety and intrusive thoughts before the party. I’m not a terrible person but would be very concerned about having a child with severe food allergies in my care when I’d be providing the food!

Bahhhhhumbug · 25/03/2023 03:49

Its a huge responsibility especially in a party situation to ensure a child doesn't pick up something or get something off another child that they're allergic to. Depends what age they are too ?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/03/2023 04:06

Inviting all the boys or all the girls in a class bar one is a shitty thing to do. Regardless of reason.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 25/03/2023 04:18

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/03/2023 04:06

Inviting all the boys or all the girls in a class bar one is a shitty thing to do. Regardless of reason.

This and it's not a huge responsibility, she knows DC will have food with them so if necessary they'll eat that.

Ktime · 25/03/2023 04:50

She has majorly gone down in my books and I'll definitely remember it.

YANBU, remember this when it’s your own child’s birthday.

Ktime · 25/03/2023 04:51

Bigboysmademedoit · 25/03/2023 01:45

You’re totally jumping to conclusions - no one has said this is why your son hasn’t been invited. If there’s a cost per child they probably had to limit numbers and your DC didn’t make the cut. Don’t embarrass yourself by making a scene.

Do you not understand that it’s not ok to invite every other boy but leave out one boy?

If she had invited half the boys then OP wouldn’t be posting.

Nimbostratus100 · 25/03/2023 04:55

you cant control or influence who is invited to a party, and your child will have to get used to it, like every child

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/03/2023 04:56

Nimbostratus100 · 25/03/2023 04:55

you cant control or influence who is invited to a party, and your child will have to get used to it, like every child

It’s thankfully rare that people are ill mannered enough to let their child invite all of the boys/girls/class except one. So the ops child won’t really have to get used to that.

WandaWonder · 25/03/2023 05:04

Nimbostratus100 · 25/03/2023 04:55

you cant control or influence who is invited to a party, and your child will have to get used to it, like every child

This

It is actually none of my business who invites or doesn't invite my child to a party

When my child first went to school I told them they will not be invited to every single party, it would be impossible to go to them all anyway same as we don't invite every single child not except them to show up (RSVP is polite though)

Hotcrossbunnowplease · 25/03/2023 05:21

This is awful. There is a child in my DC class with a huge list of life threatening food allergies and she is still invited to every party. Parent brings their food and stays at the party. Host avoids the most risky allergens in the main food (things like sesame seeds on buns that can drop off into other food). It’s no stress for the host and while it’s work for the parent of the child, sadly that’s their life and they manage it