School mum hasn't invited DC due to food allergy

[AIBRU]

DC has food allergies. There's a school mum I'd spoken to about this before as she was curious.

She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies. I explained that we never expect people to cater to it and always make sure we bring alternatives. When she mentioned again "still, it must be so tough", I said it wasn't. It isn't at all, DC has now been to loads of parties and DC has never had to eat the food we've taken with.

DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party, which now turns out to be in a party venue (another parent told me this). We have never had a party venue charge more or say they could not cater for DC. We've never even been to a restaurant who could not cater for DC.

I'm annoyed, not necessarily that my child is the only one who's not going (although it's a bit of a shitty thing to do) but that they've clearly used this as an excuse.

AIBU?

If you can only afford 14 out of 15 you invite 10. Otherwise its bullying.

Bullying? I’ve seen it all now. I’m going to do the food shop.

That sounds really mean. Regardless of reason I’d never invite all the class or all the girls in class to a party and just exclude one. Typically our rule is kids can have a smaller party for 5-10 kids or they can ask everyone. As they get bigger the small party option is more popular I think

Im not a particularly nervous person but my children don’t have allergies so this would really worry me.
I would feel that my whole focus would have to be on your child to ensure that they didn’t inadvertently eat something they shouldn’t do. I wouldn’t be able to trust a child under about 12. What if they went into shock whilst under my care?
Unless your child was very close to mine I wouldn’t want the responsibility sorry.

But the parents would be there so why would it be an issue?

Also it depends on the age late primary the DC don't want parents there anymore apart from birthday child's parents. If you insist on going and supervising it can cause the child to be looked at but they also need to be supervised to ensure they aren't eating any of the food. I think many parents unless they are very close with the birthday child couldn't be bothered.

Ds doesn’t have food allergies but he is autistic and has other medical conditions.

he was regularly the one left out of things and it hurts. I remember one lovely parent sending me a message saying her daughter was having a party and what could they do to help Ds be able to attend and enjoy it. It made my day that she was caring enough to think how to help others.

You are that parent aren't you?
That is so feeble. Just invite the parent to stay and keep an eye on their child.

I can see why disablism and all the other isms are alive and well in this country given the responses on this thread.

Then you invite fewer kids, you don’t leave out one.

And your question on child making birthday child miserable is irrelevant, OP says her son and this boy are very fond of each other.

If finance’s really were the problem I would invite a lot less children …not just leave one child out !

Those of you without allergies need to remember they can start at any age, mine didn’t start till I was 27. You might find yourself in this position one day.

This is what you get with allergies, people lack imagination so they just don’t bother even trying but if it was them with an allergy they’d want to be included.

Maybe your child isn’t very nice to hers.

You don’t actually know it’s anything to do with his allergies.

I would have thought that if the boys were friends but she was worried about allergies she would have explained to you that that was the reason.

I would have to ask.
Maybe you could say that DS is upset he was the only one not invited and if they’ve had a fall out.
You can say that although you both completely understand that not everyone can be invited all of the time you were wondering if it’s possible if you pay for him so he can join in.
Even if he’s not invited still she will hopefully tell you why.

Have I read it right that you or your husband stay at parties, because of the food allergy?
Could it be that the mum doesn't like you? Doesn't particularly want you hanging around so hasn't invited your child?

I would be anxious about having a child with severe allergies. But I wouldn't not invite them. I think there is quite possibly another reason he wasn't invited. Still a bit mean though if he was the only one excluded

@RampantIvy that parent?
It's a scary responsibility. Even with the parent there, what if you dish out wrong food or mis read ingredients?
I think it's totally understandable

My niece's school sent out a message telling parents that parties could be whole class, small group, or all the kids of one sex. This was in the US, so would probably be seen as horribly interfering by people over here, but I thought it was great to spell this out to parents and briefly explain why it is not ok to leave one child out of a party. Parents need to teach kids about how not to be cruel and selfish.

So is it a full class party & just not your child invited?

If anything I would think that the parent doesn't want you or your husband to stay if no other parents are.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

No, only the mum is a cunt in this situation.

Imagine coming to a parenting forum and suggesting a child is a cunt. You really need to take a long hard look in the mirror and start loving yourself.

No I’m the person with an autistic daughter who understands that not everyone else wants the responsibility and sometimes she doesn’t get invited to things.

Typically our rule is kids can have a smaller party for 5-10 kids or they can ask everyone.

It's similar in our school...we've been to a couple of whole class parties this year and the rest have been around half the class and a mixture of boys and girls

The instructions are on the pen.

It really doesn’t matter how uncomfortable you are as being uncomfortable wouldn’t stop you saying your kid has to only invite 5-6 others vs all the boys less the one you are uncomfortable looking after.

It is a bit of a worry when you have someone with serious allergies but the easy way round it is typically to cater the whole party to avoid the allergen and then you don’t have to single anyone out as different and you know you are v unlikely to have an issue. It’s not hard to avoid most common allergens. Gluten is a bit trickier than most but even that I’ve done in the past (veg sticks, various dips, cheese cubes, mini sausages, rice cakes, corn based gluten free crisps, fruit platters, jelly & ice cream in place of cake and a pick and mix sweet shop). I don’t think anyone but the parent of the kid with an allergy has ever even realised we’ve done it.

Unless you are in the situation where a child has many allergies or you have multiple kids all with different ones you can work around it with a fairly minimal amount of imagination.

In the moment of panic, not everyone's going to have time to read, or take in the small text on pics on an epic pen.
The amount of my dcs friends who thought they would have to jab her in the heart is quite frankly scary. Those that know to go for the leg, usually don't know where, how long to leave it, rub etc.
This is why epi pen training is a thing.

Would this have been your response if the child wasn't invited due to being in a wheelchair?

Hopping on just to ask what shop-bought sweet/treat is 100% safe to eat for kids with nut allergies?