Page 10 | School mum hasn't invited DC due to food allergy

AIBRU · 2023-03-24T22:56:52+00:00

DC has food allergies. There's a school mum I'd spoken to about this before as she was curious. She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies. I explained that we never expect people to cater to it and always make sure we bring alternatives. When she mentioned again "still, it must be so tough", I said it wasn't. It isn't at all, DC has now been to loads of parties and DC has never had to eat the food we've taken with. DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party, which now turns out to be in a party venue (another parent told me this). We have never had a party venue charge more or say they could not cater for DC. We've never even been to a restaurant who could not cater for DC. I'm annoyed, not necessarily that my child is the only one who's not going (although it's a bit of a shitty thing to do) but that they've clearly used this as an excuse. AIBU?

MissingMoominMamma · 26/03/2023 17:56

Ktime · 25/03/2023 04:50

She has majorly gone down in my books and I'll definitely remember it.

YANBU, remember this when it’s your own child’s birthday.

Would you really punish a child because of their mother’s behaviour?

MrsFinkelstein · 26/03/2023 17:58

In P2 when my twins had their party we invited everyone in the class.

I hadn't had an RSVP from 1 girl, and as i didnt really know the mum I didn't ask (although I saw her giving me dirty looks a couple of times).

Turned out her daughters invite was found in the bottom of her school bag 4 days after the party. I thought she didn't want to come and she thought she hadn't been invited.

Could be a harmless explanation - would it be better to try speaking to the mum?

ReformedWaywardTeen · 26/03/2023 18:16

I was in the exact same position with DS when he was in year 1. Similar situation of the mum saying it must be so hard. Difference was, invites went out in the playground first thing at drop off and she walks up to me and DS and says "oh by the way DS doesn't have one because I'm not happy to have him there if it may mean he has an allergic reaction, it would upset the others at the party". Before I could even respond she walked off and out the gate. Literally the entire class of 30 were going except DS. He was in tears. I was close to it.

In the end, out of the 30, 16 declined because their parents were so angry at her attitude towards DS. I had never asked them to, but they heard her, she didn't even try and be discreet.

What made it worse was that when her child went to parties she would make demands about foods not to serve due to their chosen beliefs.

She got very angry with me in the playground when lots of kids said no to going.

I would plan something lovely for that day and I would also hope others hear how she is being towards your child and decline the invite. And make damn sure that from now on, be it parties, cards or anything else you exclude her bloody child.

RampantIvy · 26/03/2023 18:24

In the end, out of the 30, 16 declined because their parents were so angry at her attitude towards DS. I had never asked them to, but they heard her, she didn't even try and be discreet.

Brilliant.

RockyReef · 26/03/2023 18:35

I would never leave a child out because the have allergies. My children go to a tiny school so we tend to invite all the children of their gender and then one or two of the other gender who are particular friends. However, I will say the only one we leave out is the one who is a horrible bully and has targeted my child of the same age, as well as lots of others in the class. And yes, they are the only one of their gender left off the guest list! I don't feel sorry about that at all.

Could there be anything else going on OP (not suggesting your child is a bully btw but could the mother not like them for another reason)? Or are the two children usually good friends?

Mollymoostoo · 26/03/2023 18:47

Does she know this is not a life threatening allergy? Sounds more like an intolerance than allergy.

CantFindMyMarbles · 26/03/2023 18:52

RampantIvy · 26/03/2023 17:51

So you don't think it is rude to deliberately leave one child out?

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I highly doubt just one child was left out. They said they were the only child of their gender. This suggests other children of the opposite gender were also not invited.
Either way - your child is not entitled to an invite!! Get over it

Madamum18 · 26/03/2023 19:41

I think she has been thoughtless and unkind and should grow up and either have invited your child or explained to you why she is not eg the allergy thing makes her too nervous or whatever

I think it is very unfair on your child in these circumstances

nuttynet · 26/03/2023 20:41

That's a shitty thing to do

Please don't invite that kid to your child's party

Noname77 · 26/03/2023 21:08

Nimbostratus100 · 25/03/2023 06:16

well, in real life, they would just have to get over it, no one is obliged to invite anyone.

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It is real life…

If you mean as an adult, I don’t know any adults who would think it was okay to invite say all female colleagues at work to a party and exclude only one, especially for that reason, I think most adults would (rightly) see that as excluding someone/bullying.

LovelyIssues · 26/03/2023 21:19

Sorry OP but you sound like you're way over thinking this. Your child wasn't invited... might not be anything due to an allergy. They just didn't make the cut 🤔

lilyak · 26/03/2023 21:22

EggBlanket · 25/03/2023 06:30

The allergies are not life threatening. The kid doesn’t have to carry an epi pen.

What I find weirder about this thread is that the OP seems to make such a big deal about her child’s non-life threatening allergies. Why is she talking about them at length with other school parents? They sound like a bit of a non issue. Lots of kids have allergies and intolerances and their parents don’t feel the need to talk about them and let them dictate their lives. The OP even says her child has never actually had to eat their packed lunch at a party because they’ve always been able to eat the party food.

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This.

What allergic reaction does your child have? If they do not require an epipen, is it that serious? Seems very odd.

HowhardcanitB · 26/03/2023 21:30

Are you sure the invite just hasn’t made it home?

Complexmedicalmum · 26/03/2023 21:33

sadly this is something you just get used to if you have children with additional needs - you never get an invite to anything

JenniferBarkley · 26/03/2023 22:14

Thinking about this as a parent of a child with a serious allergy, the worst bit is the long-term impact on the child and their attitude to their allergy.

My DC is only 4 and her allergy doesn't worry me now while we can check her food and supervise with meds at hand. What worries me is when she's 14 and starting to go out in the world by herself. I don't want her allergy to be something she rebels against, I want her to grow up with the understanding that it doesn't restrict her. The idea that she couldn't attend a party because of it goes against everything we're trying to instil in her.

pettysquabbles · 26/03/2023 22:21

AIBRU · 25/03/2023 01:20

I'm not going to approach her as I doubt I could keep my cool and I doubt she will mention it to me either as I don't think she has the balls to even try. Although she's done it so I wouldn't put it past her to be nonchalant about it to me. She has majorly gone down in my books and I'll definitely remember it.

Either me or DH stay but DC has got to the stage they are cautious and will just reject food if they suspect any contains an allergen. They are not fatal so no epi pen needed.

All of them had them, yes. Even children her DC is not close to, my child and hers are very fond of each other. I think it's cruel to ostracise a child like she has though, they will all notice. If it were due to numbers (and she'd invited less) or if they weren't friends then I'd understand.

I haven't be able to shake off how annoyed I am this evening.

Your DC isn't entitled to attend someone's birthday party. And the reason might be the allergies and that's the choice of the other DCs parents. You might think that's shit but thats life.

EndOfEternity · 26/03/2023 22:37

It’s always interesting to read posts from people who feel it’s ok to leave a child out of an event, knowing they’ll find it perfectly OK to have their post and thoughts ignored too 😉

EndOfEternity · 26/03/2023 22:43

i used to think all allergies were fast allergies too (the immunoglobulin mediated ones you read about), which can be very serious very quickly.. Then I had a baby with a slow allergy (non-immunoglobulin mediated, long term inflammation) which is not immediately life threatening but can have (and has had) serious long term consequences.sounds like OP may be referring to one of these.

T1Dmama · 26/03/2023 23:58

That’s horrible!!
A child in my DD’s class throughout infants & juniors was a coeliac. I just text her mum before and ask what she can have. On DD’s birthday when she hands out sweets I text and say what we have and is it ok or I’d buy her DD something else… it really isn’t difficult!!
my DD has recently been diagnosed with a disability and I’d be mortified if she was excluded from parties etc. so far people have been pretty good but I know it will happen.
Put it down to complete ignorance

T1Dmama · 27/03/2023 01:00

Maray1967 · 26/03/2023 08:00

Exactly this. I refused to let my DS leave one boy out because he didn’t like him. Fair enough if he’d been nasty to DS but that wasn’t the case. It is cruel to leave one or two out - bloody awful of parents to allow that. How the hell are parents bringing their DC up if they think doing this fine?

And re allergies - just talk to the parent and if you’re nervous ask if the parent can stay - don’t exclude the child. My DS had a friend with type 1 diabetes - few families would invite her back for a play date even though the mum was happy to come and sort out the insulin part way through. She was so upset that people were leaving her DD out like that.

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My DD has type 1. I’m so glad there are nice people out there like you. It’s awful that people think it’s ok to isolate a child because of something that isn’t their fault.
these people are just ignorant and I feel sad for them! Let’s hope their kids never develop something that makes them different hey?!

Original poster

AIBRU · 27/03/2023 07:10

EndOfEternity · 26/03/2023 22:43

i used to think all allergies were fast allergies too (the immunoglobulin mediated ones you read about), which can be very serious very quickly.. Then I had a baby with a slow allergy (non-immunoglobulin mediated, long term inflammation) which is not immediately life threatening but can have (and has had) serious long term consequences.sounds like OP may be referring to one of these.

Exactly. The allergies are non ige. Non fatal, delayed reactions so there's nothing school mum would need to do or even could do if exposed.

School mum knows this as I mentioned the fact it's a delayed reaction.

School mum wouldn't have been responsible as I'd have been there.

If anything, I hope people are able to educate themselves on food allergies from this thread. I'm shocked at how many seem to be ok with excluding one child.

OP posts:

ChristmasSirens · 27/03/2023 08:20

EndOfEternity · 26/03/2023 22:43

i used to think all allergies were fast allergies too (the immunoglobulin mediated ones you read about), which can be very serious very quickly.. Then I had a baby with a slow allergy (non-immunoglobulin mediated, long term inflammation) which is not immediately life threatening but can have (and has had) serious long term consequences.sounds like OP may be referring to one of these.

Same.

Genie321 · 27/03/2023 08:23

Keeping it all in perspective, the party will be for two hours or so. But the mother's stinking attitude will last much longer.

Enjoy the week OP X

EndOfEternity · 27/03/2023 08:32

AIBRU · 27/03/2023 07:10

Exactly. The allergies are non ige. Non fatal, delayed reactions so there's nothing school mum would need to do or even could do if exposed.

School mum knows this as I mentioned the fact it's a delayed reaction.

School mum wouldn't have been responsible as I'd have been there.

If anything, I hope people are able to educate themselves on food allergies from this thread. I'm shocked at how many seem to be ok with excluding one child.

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One of the problems is adults often have difficulty acknowledging when they don’t know something (inc some Drs). When actually, just like we tell kids, the cleverest thing to do is ask a question, and learn.
What do people who are more comfortable excluding rather than including of kids with allergies (ie fearful) want to learn? Can those of us who have experience help?

ReformedWaywardTeen · 27/03/2023 08:38

RampantIvy · 26/03/2023 18:24

In the end, out of the 30, 16 declined because their parents were so angry at her attitude towards DS. I had never asked them to, but they heard her, she didn't even try and be discreet.

Brilliant.

I actually couldn't believe it. When she was ranting at me about the party being ruined because "your son" was when I found out.

The thing is, we know that unless you deal with allergies on a daily basis it can be a worry, but DS had gone to other people's houses and parties with no drama simply because I made him his own food. Even with cake sales, I would make sure there was a box of things for DS to pick that I had made, because it's second nature to me to be cautious.

I would also have been at the party due to age anyway, so in a worst case scenario, would have removed him, sorted his medication and either left or returned once he was OK.