School mum hasn't invited DC due to food allergy

[AIBRU]

DC has food allergies. There's a school mum I'd spoken to about this before as she was curious.

She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies. I explained that we never expect people to cater to it and always make sure we bring alternatives. When she mentioned again "still, it must be so tough", I said it wasn't. It isn't at all, DC has now been to loads of parties and DC has never had to eat the food we've taken with.

DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party, which now turns out to be in a party venue (another parent told me this). We have never had a party venue charge more or say they could not cater for DC. We've never even been to a restaurant who could not cater for DC.

I'm annoyed, not necessarily that my child is the only one who's not going (although it's a bit of a shitty thing to do) but that they've clearly used this as an excuse.

AIBU?

Your DC might not be invited because they don't like them? Food allergies is a (stupid) excuse?

My DD has a best friend who I really don't like and is actually not a nice kid at all. I do like the mother though. It's difficult!

OP has stated her child and birthday child are very good friends.

I’d probably just politely say “I hope so-and-so enjoys his party,” to her when I see her, just so she knows I know.

And then leave it at that.

YANBU - it probably is the reason why she hasn’t been invited but shake it off. It is a one off; she will be invited to other parties. Definitely don’t mention it.

I'm also on the side of devils advocate here - your DC and birthday child could have just had a falling out and birthday child asked yours not to be invited. Your DC might not even know the child was cross with him if his emotional intelligence isn't very developed. Allergies could be absolutely unrelated. Or the mum might not like your child for some reason and is using the allergies as a polite way to make the exclusion. Or she might have been put off by the fact you told her at length about allergies which aren't life threatening and she thinks you're neurotic. If it is all just as you believe then I agree it's crappy behaviour but it is what it is and your DC presumably usually is invited to other parties so I'd not give this any more head space.

Agree. I have a 13 year old who has an epipen and is unable at present to reliably identify when he may need it. I would not expect a random parent to be able to identify when he may need it.

I explain to the parents that he has epipens and I stay at the parties. They usually are quite pleased to have me there to supervise just in case (and to help out as well with the clearing up!!).

The only child of that sex that wasn’t invited?

why wouldn’t you?

advocate for your child!!

I would find this really upsetting. One of my DCs has allergies but the hosts have always asked beforehand and provided for them at parties. It is even worse to leave just one child out.

It's a private birthday party not a school event

Such a shame for your dc. It's really not hard to cater for allergies these days. You can buy so much off the shelf stuff that is free from.

When my youngest DC developed type 1 diabetes at age 7 all (and I mean all) party invites stopped immediately. Before diagnosis they were invited to most parties and afterwards it was two years before they were asked again. Play dates were turned down and I had to stand in the playground listening to the parents whispering to each other talking about party/play date arrangements. It was a small school so impossible to avoid. My DC would come home from school and ask why they didn't go to some ones party but what could I say? The worst bit was that DC's friends would want to invite them and tell them so but an actual invite never arrived.
A few months after diagnosis a tried to arrange a play date at a soft play venue but every one was busy or away so went anyway with my DC. When we arrived everyone that I'd asked was there....all sat in a corner having a laugh & a coffee. They did have the grace to look embarrassed. I said hello and what a lovely surprise and sat near by. My DC was delighted as they got to play with all their friends after all and happily believed that I'd organised a lovely surprise for them.

I get your annoyance. One of my children has a food allergy and an intolerance.

I found some parents were scared/anxious for various reasons and it was easier to not invite (others were amazing even making party bags suitable for child).

Some thought my child would be upset at not having the food, it might spoil the party. Some were worried they'd "kill" or make my child ill and didn't want the responsibility. Some were scared even if child took.their own food they might still take food from party food (they wouldn't but I get their thinking).
It's crap but not all parents exclude on that basis.and you can't make your child be invited.

I suspect it could be this too. One of my DCs has a friend with a severe allergy. We have invited the allergic DC to several parties over the years, and wouldn't have it any other way, but it makes the whole thing incredibly stressful for us. The parent sends me the instructions for what to do in case of a reaction and how to use the EpiPen each time to study, I find myself triple (and more!) checking the party food and with the venue in case something has been missed, and then spend the party watching the DC like a hawk. It stops me enjoying my DCs party and takes my attention away from her.

My DC has epipens due to a peanut allergy. I'd fully understand another parent feeling nervous about the responsibility, I would have felt the same before her diagnosis.

The answer is to talk to me, ask me to stay, ask me to provide safe food - not to exclude a child.

I'd be upset OP but I don't think there's anything you can do.

Excluding just one child for any reason is disgusting behaviour. Awful.

Bingo

It really sucks for you and your child and of course it isn't ok.

However there are a lot of people that get very anxious about these things (and many others) and that fear overrides decency ,manners and basic politeness.

She did fuck up, but if otherwise she's quite all right and the kids get on well, I'd rise over it and let it go.

How do you know for sure all the other boys are invited?

If they are, she is a fucking bitch and I would have nothing to do with her as far as possible.

This post sums up the situation very well.

It's not nice but you not everyone will invite your child to their party. Indeed, some will be anxious about dealing with allergies and will simply avoid it.

Yes because that’s going to end well. Call from a parent demanding to know why their little darling wasn’t invited. Exactly how would that conversation start? Maybe they invited X amount of children and yours just didn’t make the cut. Most parents just ask for a list of names, it’s not that deep. Instead of questioning the parent just explain to your child that not everyone can be invited to a party for various reasons.

It's not angst though. And you describing it that way diminishes the feelings of children who know they are the only boy or girl or even only child from a class who isn't invited to a party.

That's not to say anyone is entitled to an invite or that you shouldn't look at why and if it's behaviour consider how you treat others.

But to say caring is angst is just too try hard "look how cool I am" rather than a true reflection of human emotion and recognising that.

I taught my ds he had to accept an invite is just that and also an invite isn't a summons. But I never once ignored it or called any real emotion at being excluded "angst". That's mean.

And of course when they miss out on invites you teach them when it comes to their own lists about reciprocal invites etc. children need to learn that inviting someone in the hope of being popular isn't the right way. Invite those who are obviously your true friends who want you around and build those bonds.

But despite all the above I never once remember feeling any angst around kids parties as you put it. But you are aware of who has a party and who has/hasn't been invited 🤷‍♀️

Is there no chance he’s just lost his invitation?

I was this parent. Not usually an anxious person but I don't love hosting, I tend to overthink it and end up exhausted. I didn't exclude the child with life threatening allergies but it was a huge relief when the DCs grew apart naturally and I wasn't responsible for this child's life anymore.

OP why are you even discussing your son’s allergies with people at the school gate?

If they are not life threatening and he has previously been able to eat the party food without issue then why is it even something she would know about?

and how do you know it’s anything to do with this that has led to him not being invited? How do you know who else is?

It’s so hard not to overreact when we feel our kids are or might be upset about something but teaching them a bit of ‘don’t let it bother you and move on’ attitude is part of parenting rather than them watching you feel hurt and offended so them feeling the same.

I can read.