School mum hasn't invited DC due to food allergy

[AIBRU]

DC has food allergies. There's a school mum I'd spoken to about this before as she was curious.

She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies. I explained that we never expect people to cater to it and always make sure we bring alternatives. When she mentioned again "still, it must be so tough", I said it wasn't. It isn't at all, DC has now been to loads of parties and DC has never had to eat the food we've taken with.

DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party, which now turns out to be in a party venue (another parent told me this). We have never had a party venue charge more or say they could not cater for DC. We've never even been to a restaurant who could not cater for DC.

I'm annoyed, not necessarily that my child is the only one who's not going (although it's a bit of a shitty thing to do) but that they've clearly used this as an excuse.

AIBU?

A little friend of ours used to bring her own food which was the ideal solution.

What an oddly cold response. In real life, an adult deliberately excluding one child from a cohort is unkind and in real life, people’s feelings will be hurt by this.

I just searched local children’s parties and at an average of about £15 per child we would have put a limit on how many friends were invited potentially resulting in a child not being invited. Not disgusting behaviour just financial. If a parent can afford to invite a whole class or every boy/girl in the class, fabulous but not everyone can.

What an oddly cold response. In real life, an adult deliberately excluding one child from a cohort is unkind and in real life, people’s feelings will be hurt by this.

Totally agree. Awful behaviour.

Her party her choice.

Are you sure your child hasn't lost the invite? Why would the mum tell you about her kid's birthday and say she didn't know how to cater to allergies? It sounds like she was preparing for your child to be there?

Yes I think this hits the nail on the head.

I’ve known what it’s like to feel like the left-out child (though not for this specific reason). If the birthday child’s Mum had concerns about the allergies, the sensible thing to do would have been to ask the other Mum “How do you suggest we manage this at the party?” which would give her the opportunity to suggest anything from staying at the party to keep an eye on DC to bringing food to not going at all.
However to those minimising the allergies because they are not life-threatening, this does not mean they are not serious and should not be borne in mind; we haven’t been told what the effects would be but there could be skin reaction leading to loss of sleep, vomiting, who knows? And who would not want to protect a child from that?

Ok I've got mixed feelings on this. Firstly, I think if the only reason your child is not invited is because of allergies, and your child is the only kid in the class not invited, that's quite mean.

That said, we can't all always be invited to parties. So, I'd just think 'nevermind' and jog on! Plenty of other nice people about to invite to future parties :)

(Finally, slight side track - I'm happy to adapt and cater for kids with allergies. We have some good friends who have kids with particular dietary requirements and I've always found it easy to cater for them. However, there is one child who each year he comes to my DC party there is an insistence on gluten free. Fair enough. But after going out of my way to order him different food, put special items in party bag etc.. for several years, have just discovered he isn't actually gluten free at all and never has been, his mum is just worried he might become gluten free one day so this is all pre-emptive 😵‍💫🤔 )

One of my DCs has a friend with a severe allergy. We have invited the allergic DC to several parties over the years, and wouldn't have it any other way, but it makes the whole thing incredibly stressful for us. The parent sends me the instructions for what to do in case of a reaction and how to use the EpiPen each time to study, I find myself triple (and more!) checking the party food and with the venue in case something has been missed, and then spend the party watching the DC like a hawk. It stops me enjoying my DCs party and takes my attention away from her.

@SkankingWombat did you not ask the parent to stay at the party and take responsibility?

I think she possibly has too high anxiety about the food alergy, rather than using it as an excuse for not wanting your child there.

It might not be mean, nasty and laziness on the part of the excluding parent.
It might just be fear, bordering on terror.
If the adult has no direct experience of food allergies in children, all they might have encountered is the headlines of sandwich shops killing customers through negligence, children collapsing and turning blue and being rushed to hospital, all the invisible ways a child could die on her watch.
So rather than add that fear and stress to an already tricky event, she chose to avoid it.
I’ve found that the most effective way to educate people into being inclusive is to build a relationship first. So that you demonstrate how groundless some of those worries are, and how to manage things that need considering.
If something is seen as a potential problem, many just won’t engage in the first place, and if the consequences are negligible for them, that’s the path they’ll choose.
Do you know the mother and the child? Have you socialised, had play dates?
Or were you relying on the school to do the heavy lifting, which they have achieved if the children themselves see it’s no big deal and not an issue.

Some parents don’t even know how many children are in their child’s class let alone how many boys or girls there are.

Some parents just ask their child for a list of X number of names.

Your child is more than likely not being excluded they just didn’t receive an invite.

Some parents can afford to invite everyone, some can’t.

Maybe based on some of the responses here the parent is the problem and their attitude to invites is what resulted in their child’s omission.

Some parents don’t like certain children and don’t invite them because they misbehave.

Some children don’t want to invite someone from their class because they had a disagreement about something big or small.

Your child didn’t receive an invite, there will be other parties, move on.

Some people can't handle the responsibility they will probably be thinking what if the child has a huge allergic reaction at the party. They will have to watch them like a hawk they might have had little exposure to people with allergies.

That other mum is what’s known round here as a cunt.

That must have been really hard. I dont understand at all why everyone kept away from you?

Don't hold back. You do realise that it’s only a child’s party.

I never hold back but thanks for giving me permission.

Yes, I got a clear understanding of the situation from the original post.

What a great example school mum is setting for her DS or DD, that it’s ok to leave one person out!

If you’re absolutely sure your DC is the only one not invited, I would be tempted to have a quiet word with their class teacher. Explain the situation and ask if there’s anything you’ve not been made aware of, happening within school.
If all seems well within school you possibly have your answer.

The OP has made it very clear that her child is the only one not invited. I don't understand why several posters on this thread think it is OK to treat another child like that. They probably do the same themselves, and need to take a long hard look at why they think it is OK to make one child feel ostracised.

I'm sorry this has happened @AIBRU

"One of my DCs has a friend with a severe allergy. We have invited the allergic DC to several parties over the years, and wouldn't have it any other way, but it makes the whole thing incredibly stressful for us. The parent sends me the instructions for what to do in case of a reaction and how to use the EpiPen each time to study, I find myself triple (and more!) checking the party food and with the venue in case something has been missed, and then spend the party watching the DC like a hawk. It stops me enjoying my DCs party and takes my attention away from her."

The parent should be staying nearby to take this stress off your shoulders. Not fair to expect the birthday parents who are already potentially rushing around and a bit stressed to also watch one child closely.

I have always included DCs with allergies, and their parent has always attended the party to keep a watchful eye if that's needed.

It might not be this though, there could be a max number for the party package they picked and if your child is someone the bday child isn't fussed about he didn't make the cut. Are you sure your child isn't the naughty child or someone the bday child flagged your child as someone who was unkind so decided not to invite. I wouldnt assume it was because of allergies to be honest. It isn't a whole class party anyway which suggests they wanted to keep costs down. The other mum shouldn't have told you about the party, we have an unspoken rule that we don't discuss party's where only select people are invited.

Your reply means that inviting 14 boys in a class of 15 boys is doable, but the parents just can't squeeze to financially invite that 15th one???

Nonsense.

I’ve only known this to happen with one child whose mother was faking her child’s food allergies. Some people weren’t willing to play along with the charade. I did always invite her, as it wasn’t her fault her mum was like this. I did feel a bit annoyed having to buy special stuff when I knew she could, and would, eat everything.

Can't blame her for not wanting to take responsibility for this if she doesn't want to, with the way everyone has to blame other people nowadays.

Your son isn't owed an invitation.

It's totally her choice.