School mum hasn't invited DC due to food allergy

[AIBRU]

DC has food allergies. There's a school mum I'd spoken to about this before as she was curious.

She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies. I explained that we never expect people to cater to it and always make sure we bring alternatives. When she mentioned again "still, it must be so tough", I said it wasn't. It isn't at all, DC has now been to loads of parties and DC has never had to eat the food we've taken with.

DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party, which now turns out to be in a party venue (another parent told me this). We have never had a party venue charge more or say they could not cater for DC. We've never even been to a restaurant who could not cater for DC.

I'm annoyed, not necessarily that my child is the only one who's not going (although it's a bit of a shitty thing to do) but that they've clearly used this as an excuse.

AIBU?

It's just a kids party. Might just be her child doesn't get on with allergy child, is bday child a c**t too in that case 🤔?

YANBU it is a dick move

As a parent of a disabled children and an allergic child....

This!!!

They are under absolutely no obligation to invite your child.

You have no idea if it's because of a food allergy and even if it was. They dont want the hassle so fair enough

You seem really entitled. He is not the only kid in the class to not be invited.

I think YABU because you don’t actually know the reason why your son hasn’t been invited, you’re just guessing and then getting annoyed because you assume you must be right.

If the mum has a anxiety, a phobia or is OCD around sickness, I can well understand that her anxiety might have led to not inviting him and as she’s the host, I think she’s entitled to make that decision.

It's just a kids party. Might just be her child doesn't get on with allergy child, is bday child a ct too in that case 🤔?

They are very fond of each other. The OP posted the below in one of her updates @ItsTimeToWine

Even children her DC is not close to, my child and hers are very fond of each other.

That’s pretty shitty . Show her ignorance to allergies especially after she’s spoken to you .

My child also has allergies, milk , egg and gluten. This makes me feel sad for our children with allergies .

While it is beyond out of order in my book to leave one child out, I think you totally underestimate how worrying it is to have a child over with allergies. I have 4 kids, and in two of their classes there were more than two people in their class with allergies, one who was borderline severe. Parents always told me either their children knew what they could or couldn’t eat, or told me what their child needed to stay away with etc etc. In nearly every single case I’d have a child look at me blankly when it came to the actual party/meet up or when I’d be told their child had had food/didn’t need food I’d have them come over and ask for something that I wasn’t sure of. When I tried to steer them to a safe food I’d be turned out. It is terrifying!!

It's depressing how many posters think it is OK to ostracise one child. There are some pretty mean posters on this thread.

DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party

Do you know this to be true? Did you ask every other parent if their child is invited?

Or is it just a case that every other child of their gender seems to be invited?

They weren't able to at the first one, and after that it was assumed all round. I would have felt uncomfortable singling her out to stay anyway TBH, although was surprised she didn't ask to herself, as she is also incredibly anxious about the allergies.

If there’s a finite amount of money available it’s not nonsense. If it’s a choice between school dinners or child 15 coming to the party it’s not nonsense. Even if they have savings but set a budget for the party it’s not nonsense. Emotional blackmail from other parents regarding inviting their child to a party is nonsense.

I can understand why you'd be annoyed, but also, it can be quite scary dealing with children with allergies. The thought you could potentially harm them is enough to put people off inviting them.
As harsh and annoying as it seems, that's life as an allergy parent.

So parents can afford eg £15 x 14 for a party (£210), but just can't squeeze to another £15 even if it means cutting 1 child out??

What kind of person are you that you would think that is acceptable? ONE child left out?

Nonsense AND cruel

I think it's really unkind to leave one child out. If it is indeed because of the allergies then she could have just asked you or your child's dad to stay with them.
I can't believe people on here think it's ok to be mean to a child like this.

Sounds like something has gotten lost here, by the sounds of it it's the invitation. I'd doubt your DC wouldn't be invited because of an allergy. Why doesn't your DC ask his/her friend is they're invited? That would clear things up.

I've experienced this once in my life; my childhood best friend was excluded because the birthday child actively didn't like her. This isn't the case with you.

Surely you can chat to the parent without "losing your cool". That's wild, just be normal.

If it’s a choice between school dinners or child 15 coming to the party it’s not nonsense 🙄

If money is THAT tight that this is your only option, then why on earth would you have an expensive party in a venue in the first place?

"I can afford for 14 kids, but that 15th is going to financially break us and you wont get school dinners for a whole week" words I very much doubt have ever been said

Something similar happened in my DD class at primary school, every single child was invited of both sexes barring one girl (not my DD). I don't know what the reason was, but the mother of party child was not a nice person.
Anyway, we declined the party invite and invited the uninvited girl to play at our house instead. Worked well and the horrid mother got the message I'm told.

You can’t spend what you don’t have.
Another scenario for you. One child makes your child’s life miserable. Do you invite them or not? They will be the only one that isn’t invited. I think you can guess my answer.

Get a grip

Aw, that was a nice thing to do @BirminghamNewStreet.

Unfortunately the DC of these manipulative women become pawns in their parents' nasty games.

Why, whenever there is a thread like this do all the posters who excuse and minimise the OP's concerns feel the need to interrogate her about how she knows? It isn't difficult to find out.

Some of these replies are surprising since Mumsnet is usually hot on the "less than half/two thirds or everyone" etiquette.

If you can only afford 14 out of 15 you invite 10. Otherwise its bullying.

(Caveat... unless the one child is terrorising yours...even then its better not to invite absolutely everyone)

I agree @PuttingDownRoots
However, posting on AIBU always brings out the posters who love to put the boot in.

I wouldn’t leave one child out myself, for any reason.

But to be honest, as someone with zero experience in allergies in children, I’d be absolutely dreading the responsibility.

also - no one should just be handing over an epi pen to a random, untrained parent surely…

It’s just a scenario. People who are on a tight budget are allowed to have a treat. What if the venue can’t accommodate everyone and you have to leave one out? I’m on a roll with examples today.