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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get up with the kids and let DH do it?

169 replies

Imeldamorning · 24/03/2023 13:50

We have 4 children. 2 are still breastfed and do so a lot at night so I get a very disturbed night. Dh doesn't help at night as its easier for me to do it and tbf he can't breastfeed!

When the last baby was born 2 years ago, dh would get up with the older ones leaving me in bed with baby and he'd bring me a coffee.

This has never really stopped. He now will take all 4 downstairs at around 7am when baby wakes, set the big ones up at breakfast table and bring me a coffee at 7.30ish. I then get 20 mins to drink it in peace and get out of bed around ten to 8 and help with getting kids ready for school.

I then do school run and the rest of the child care. He works, so the majority of the kids stuff is my responsibility, I do all cooking and cleaning although he will help.a bit with housework when he can.

My friend thinks I'm being lazy and taking advantage of him. She thinks I should get up with the kids and that expecting a coffee brought to me in bed every morning is "ridiculous" .

Dh doesn't seem to mind, he's never complained, and I enjoy my coffee in the morning. Yes baby is a toddler now, but I'm still.tired and if dh is willing why the hell not?!

Am I being lazy?

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 24/03/2023 19:55

My DH brings me tea in bed so I can come
round slowly at least 3 days a week. I don’t sleep well. He gives the kids breakfast. It’s a lovely gesture in our marriage.
Do what works for your family.

SilhouettesOnTheShade · 24/03/2023 19:57

Your friend isn't a friend. I have a 2.7 year old and an 8 week old, and DH also brings me my morning coffee after a broken night's sleep and breastfeeding. Small comfort for me and gives me a chance to wake up

Londontown12 · 24/03/2023 20:20

It’s a nice change to hear a positive so no your not at all lazy your dh is being appreciative for being a great mum !
occasionally thou u should treat him to coffee in bed x

MintGreenLife · 24/03/2023 20:25

The negative comments about the OP’s decision to continue to BF her children on this thread are just completely baffling. Just because a child is still BF to help them fall back to sleep in the night doesn’t mean that they would wake less if she stopped BF. I night weaned my toddler and he still wakes just as often through the night as when I was feeding him to sleep. It’s not a choice to have to get up to a toddler several times a night…or maybe it is in a way, as the other option is letting them scream and cry until they give up.

Lauracampbelldesigns · 24/03/2023 20:28

Absolutely not! They are his kids too so why shouldn’t he do his share in the morning and support you if you’ve been up in the night?
ignore her, she doesn’t seem like a very nice friend.

OhcantthInkofaname · 24/03/2023 20:35

Thinking the best here: Maybe he enjoys that morning time with his children. He has their attention, they are rested and focused with him. 20 years from now they will be saying that's 1 of their favorite memories.

AuraBora · 24/03/2023 20:50

Sounds like a great set up, OP. Make the most of it! I dream of a mornings waking up at my own speed, having a coffee in bed, not going straight into breakfast prep and the business of the day. Sometimes this happens at the weekend and I cherish it but during the week I tend to let me husband stay in bed a bit as he works late and goes straight into childcare/bedtimes after work and I do get more of a break during the day (one child at school, the other at nursery on the 3 days I work but job is pretty relaxed/easy). The set up works for us overall, but I do find the morning rush hard sometimes!

Can't quite believe the poster who seems to think you are lazy and that you have the easier deal with bulk of childcare for 4 kids (including nightwakings, which in my experience went up to age of 2 without feedings)...!

MelsMoneyTree · 24/03/2023 20:57

There seems to be quite a push on here lately from posters who are anti-breastfeeding. I wonder where they've come from.

branchdavid · 24/03/2023 21:00

I don't see any issue with your DH sorting the kids but I, personally, would feel horrible doing the school run every morning having just rolled out of bed without showering first.

Is it possible that this was what your friend was referring to? Impolite either way but maybe she notices your personal hygiene and extrapolates laziness from that...

Partyandbullshit · 24/03/2023 21:00

@Botw1 has popped up on at least half a dozen threads that I’ve seen, over the last week or so, banging the same drum: men should do equal childcare and women should work. Quite a feat shoehorning that agenda into this thread about coffee in bed!

Not lazy, OP. I don’t think anyone at home with 4 children, ant least one of whom bf through the night, and a semi-smooth running household can be called lazy! I think it’s lovely your DH does this for you.

Babymamaroon · 24/03/2023 21:08

I think this just means you have a lovely DH, who understands that BFeeding the youngest two children is more important to you than being available to the older ones first thing.

You certainly don't sound lazy to me and pull your weight in all other regards.

I'd ignore your friend. She's probably envious you have a husband who gets that you'd rather be up at night feeding than up in the morning.

You're allowed to choose and your DH supports your choice.

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 21:09

@Partyandbullshit

I know, what a horrific opinion to hold eh?Always nice to have a fan though

Partyandbullshit · 24/03/2023 21:20

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 21:09

@Partyandbullshit

I know, what a horrific opinion to hold eh?Always nice to have a fan though

It is horrific, truly. I, for one, would never presume to know what’s best for anyone other than me and my own family. Horrific also to bang on and on and on about the same thing, when it’s not even the question!

Etoile41 · 24/03/2023 21:49

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 24/03/2023 14:01

You are breastfeeding a 2 year old a lot in the night? Why?

And why not? Nothing wrong with doing so.
OP hasn't asked for opinions on this.

weststreet · 24/03/2023 22:12

You say your breastfeeding 2 children through the night and the youngest is at least two, why?

Would you consider weaning to get some rest yourself?

branchdavid · 24/03/2023 22:17

weststreet · 24/03/2023 22:12

You say your breastfeeding 2 children through the night and the youngest is at least two, why?

Would you consider weaning to get some rest yourself?

I don't think we're allowed to ask about this.

But if I was the OP friend I'd be worried about the OP's mental well-being if she was up all night with an older child and a toddler she refers to as a baby and not able to look after basic hygiene needs like showering before setting out for the day.

The friend doesn't sound supportive but maybe she's concerned and not expressing it well.

weststreet · 25/03/2023 04:21

@branchdavid I agree.

If I was the OP I would consider weaning a toddler and definitely the older child. Breastfeeding a 2 year old and presumably an at least 3 year old through the night is excessive and would aid her in some rest. I'm a total bf advocate, but I have no idea why you'd breastfeed a toddler and at at least a preschooler at night Confused. Perhaps the OP knows this which is why shes not willing to answer questions. When she said baby I thought she was referring to a 1 yo or younger.
Her friend sounds like a PITA.

Codlingmoths · 25/03/2023 04:26

I think that sounds lovely! Carry on

weststreet · 25/03/2023 04:42

And when I say weaning, I mean night weaning. Not weaning altogether If OP doesn't want to.

But to get good sleep hygiene and if the OP is up 'lots' no baby here. A toddler and presumably a preschooler (if not twins) maybe night weaning will help.

But her DH sounds great and her friend should jealous.

user1492757084 · 25/03/2023 05:32

I think your spouse adores the breakfast routine. It's his time to rule the kitchen with the kids and it is good for them.
He obviously appreciates the fact that he sleeps all night.

georgarina · 25/03/2023 07:27

weststreet · 25/03/2023 04:42

And when I say weaning, I mean night weaning. Not weaning altogether If OP doesn't want to.

But to get good sleep hygiene and if the OP is up 'lots' no baby here. A toddler and presumably a preschooler (if not twins) maybe night weaning will help.

But her DH sounds great and her friend should jealous.

Agree. In the absence of any context, the children must also be tired after being awake multiple times every night. Not good for their teeth either.

PonkyPonky · 25/03/2023 08:42

This is the exact story of how I ended up getting breakfast in bed every morning! Started because I was breastfeeding baby so would bring it up before he left for work and it just never stopped. My friends all think it’s brilliant. You should enjoy it and not listen to people who think this is anything other than a lovely way to start your day

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2023 08:48

Imeldamorning · 24/03/2023 14:10

I'm not taking questions on this subject 🙃

Show quote history

It's not the breastfeeding, it's a two year old waking so frequently.

And fwiw, I've been married 40+ years and my DH always brings me tea in the morning

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 08:51

My friend thinks I'm being lazy and taking advantage of him. She thinks I should get up with the kids and that expecting a coffee brought to me in bed every morning is "ridiculous" .

What friend?
The person who said this to you is not your friend.

What business is it of hers, & what difference does it make to her life how your household organises itself?

Next time she pipes up, tell her you're not interested in hearing any more of her internalised misogyny. Conversely "oh do fuck off Sandra" should do it.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 08:54

Sassyfox · 24/03/2023 14:20

I don’t think you are lazy but mornings are very hectic and stressful when you are trying to get ready for work and juggling getting kids ready, so it wouldn’t be my first choice.

I can’t imagine it would go down very well on here if DH laid in bed whilst you were rushing around sorting yourself out for work, sorting the kids out and bringing him a coffee when he was at home all day anyway.

If it works for you both then carry on but I would personally do it where he takes over in the evenings as I think that that makes more sense.

😂What the fuck is it to you?!

at home all day anyway. Oooooh judgey!
Did you miss the bit where OP is in & out of bed all night, taking care of her small DC?