Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get up with the kids and let DH do it?

169 replies

Imeldamorning · 24/03/2023 13:50

We have 4 children. 2 are still breastfed and do so a lot at night so I get a very disturbed night. Dh doesn't help at night as its easier for me to do it and tbf he can't breastfeed!

When the last baby was born 2 years ago, dh would get up with the older ones leaving me in bed with baby and he'd bring me a coffee.

This has never really stopped. He now will take all 4 downstairs at around 7am when baby wakes, set the big ones up at breakfast table and bring me a coffee at 7.30ish. I then get 20 mins to drink it in peace and get out of bed around ten to 8 and help with getting kids ready for school.

I then do school run and the rest of the child care. He works, so the majority of the kids stuff is my responsibility, I do all cooking and cleaning although he will help.a bit with housework when he can.

My friend thinks I'm being lazy and taking advantage of him. She thinks I should get up with the kids and that expecting a coffee brought to me in bed every morning is "ridiculous" .

Dh doesn't seem to mind, he's never complained, and I enjoy my coffee in the morning. Yes baby is a toddler now, but I'm still.tired and if dh is willing why the hell not?!

Am I being lazy?

OP posts:
Naunet · 24/03/2023 15:12

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:05

@Naunet

The double standards for 1

Bf a 2 yo and possibly an older child at night and then blaming that on being too tired for 2

Expecting the working parent to get up while you stay in bed for 3.

It has nothing to do with him spending time with his kids.

As I said, if that was the issue he could give up work and she could go to work.

  1. There are no double standards, you’ve made that up.
  2. Why are you suggesting breastfeeding in the night, wouldn’t make her tired? Are you saying she needs to give up breast feeding even though the husband (as far as we know) hasn’t suggested this?
  3. Where does she say she expects it?
  4. How do you know he doesn’t enjoy spending the mornings with his children?
Jadviga · 24/03/2023 15:13

@Botw1 she asked for comments about her friend's comments not about breastfeeding.

If you think this is just a stealth brag you probably shouldn't have given it attention by posting. Either you assume the person is posting in good faith, or you ignore/report the thread.

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:14

I'm suggesting if she feels tired she could stop doing the unnecessary thing that is making her tired, yes

Again, you're making up that I've said something i havent.

I didnt say anything about him not enjoying the time

dogsdogsdogs1 · 24/03/2023 15:14

You are living the dream!
Long may it continue for you. 👏 I'd say that your friend is just jealous tbh....

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:14

@Jadviga

Says who lol?

Sassyfox · 24/03/2023 15:14

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 14:58

@HermioneHerman

If the op was getting up to go to work and her (male) oh stayed in bed while she wrangled the kids and brought him a coffee (that he fully expected)

Mn would actually lose its mind.

The screams of cocklodger and ltb would be heard in space

I completely agree.

If OP and her DH think this works for them then it’s no one else’s business and it’s each to their own.

But some posters would be loosing their minds if OP had posted that she works FT and juggles getting ready in the mornings with sorting the kids out whilst her DH lay in bed with a coffee.

My BIL was a SAHD and they had a similar set up so I don’t think it’s uncommon.
My sister would be rushing about trying to get ready for work and sort the kids out whilst she was lying in bed and then he’d come down in his PJs to take over whilst she rushed out of the door.

To me it seems backwards that the one that’s staying at home gets to lie in bed for longer.

Naunet · 24/03/2023 15:16

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:14

I'm suggesting if she feels tired she could stop doing the unnecessary thing that is making her tired, yes

Again, you're making up that I've said something i havent.

I didnt say anything about him not enjoying the time

I asked you a question, that’s not telling you what you’ve said.

I find it bizarre honestly. Would you really resent a man who got an extra 30 minutes in bed after being up in the night with the kids, before he did the school run?

MintGreenLife · 24/03/2023 15:16

This is insane 😂 in what world does that make you lazy?! I’m still BF my 20mo and I sleep in his room on a mattress on the floor next to his cot. He tends to wake 1-2 times a night, while my DH gets a full night’s sleep every night. He usually gets up with him after his morning feed and takes him downstairs for breakfast, while I get a little bit more sleep and a cup of tea. Otherwise I’m doing all of the childcare and working part-time, while he works full time. Your setup sounds totally reasonable and why wouldn’t you have a bit of time to yourself after a disturbed night every night of the week!

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:17

@Naunet

Resent A man?

No.

I'd think his oh was a mug though.

Jadviga · 24/03/2023 15:17

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:14

I'm suggesting if she feels tired she could stop doing the unnecessary thing that is making her tired, yes

Again, you're making up that I've said something i havent.

I didnt say anything about him not enjoying the time

You consider it unnecessary/not worth the hassle. Clearly OP disagrees. As it is her life and her child I'd think it pretty obvious that it's her call and I don't see the point of challenging that when her family is happy with this set up.

And I say this as someone who chose not to breastfeed at all because I didn't want to. I think when it comes to breastfeeding (or not) that's a decision that concerns the parents and the baby, and everyone else would do well to stuff their opinions where the sun doesn't shine.

Naunet · 24/03/2023 15:18

Sassyfox · 24/03/2023 15:14

I completely agree.

If OP and her DH think this works for them then it’s no one else’s business and it’s each to their own.

But some posters would be loosing their minds if OP had posted that she works FT and juggles getting ready in the mornings with sorting the kids out whilst her DH lay in bed with a coffee.

My BIL was a SAHD and they had a similar set up so I don’t think it’s uncommon.
My sister would be rushing about trying to get ready for work and sort the kids out whilst she was lying in bed and then he’d come down in his PJs to take over whilst she rushed out of the door.

To me it seems backwards that the one that’s staying at home gets to lie in bed for longer.

Show quote history

Again, speak for yourself. You have no idea what the individuals here would say if this was the other way around, unless you have a mind reading machine of course?

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:19

@Jadviga

If she didn't want opinions she shouldn't have posted

She very clear wants opinions

Along the lines of oh aren't you so lucky! Isn't your oH just amazing!

Maybe her mate is sick of the stealth brags

Jadviga · 24/03/2023 15:20

Naunet · 24/03/2023 15:18

Again, speak for yourself. You have no idea what the individuals here would say if this was the other way around, unless you have a mind reading machine of course?

Show quote history

"But some posters would be loosing their minds if OP had posted that she works FT and juggles getting ready in the mornings with sorting the kids out whilst her DH lay in bed with a coffee."

Not if it was mentioned that the DH was up all night taking care of the kids, but you conveniently omitted that part...

HermioneHerman · 24/03/2023 15:21

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 14:58

@HermioneHerman

If the op was getting up to go to work and her (male) oh stayed in bed while she wrangled the kids and brought him a coffee (that he fully expected)

Mn would actually lose its mind.

The screams of cocklodger and ltb would be heard in space

I don't necessarily mean on MN. I mean in general life, many people, many women would think it was fine and normal for the mum to do all the graft in the morning.

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:22

@HermioneHerman

They'd be wrong though, wouldnt they?

BlackBarbies · 24/03/2023 15:25

I don’t even understand these types of threads. There’s literally no issue here.

You’re happy to carry on with what you do and your husband is also happy. Just because your friend made a comment why do you make a thread about it on MN? She can just mind her business and you can carry on doing what works for your household?

Naunet · 24/03/2023 15:26

OP maybe you can have your husband post and confirm he’s happy to spend time with his kids and even bring you a coffee in the morning and that this is not some kind of hostage situation as some people seem to fear?!

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:27

@Naunet

No one is disputing the oh is happy with the situation

HermioneHerman · 24/03/2023 15:28

@Botw1 , yes but the fact that the mum in this instance is getting far far harder a time from her 'friend' and people like you than her DH would, speaks volumes. And she doesn't do nothing as many men probably do would then swan off to work, is she? She's up before 8am to get kids ready for school and then doing the vast majority of the housework and other childcare. Her husband bringing her a coffee in the morning and doing a bit of parenting is in no way 'ridiculous' but keep shouting into the wind if it makes you feel warm and smug inside 🤷🏻‍♀️.

BlueHeelers · 24/03/2023 15:28

No. You’re not being lazy. And your DH is being kind - it sounds a lovely arrangement.

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:31

@HermioneHerman

I havent given the op a hard time

I'd also say a man doing this was being ridiculous too

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 24/03/2023 15:31

BlackBarbies · 24/03/2023 15:25

I don’t even understand these types of threads. There’s literally no issue here.

You’re happy to carry on with what you do and your husband is also happy. Just because your friend made a comment why do you make a thread about it on MN? She can just mind her business and you can carry on doing what works for your household?

I have to agree, if your family is happy with the arrangement then carry on as you are. No need to post on here about a comment your friend made.

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:32

Missed the last bit there.

What an odd thing to say.

The defensive responses to anything except oh wow aren't you both so amazing on this thread are odd

I'm not warm or smug.

Just sharing my opinion on the op as asked

Naunet · 24/03/2023 15:32

Botw1 · 24/03/2023 15:27

@Naunet

No one is disputing the oh is happy with the situation

Then stop trying to convince her she needs to give up breast feeding so that she can take over from her husband in the morning!! That wasn’t even the point of her post.

L3ThirtySeven · 24/03/2023 15:34

He likes it, you like it, the children like it. That’s all that really matters.
If you think he may not like it all the time but would not say anything to you, why not mention to your DH that if the morning routine ever gets a bit much you are happy to switch things up if he lets you know.

Swipe left for the next trending thread