I’ve been to some diversity training at work and there are a couple of trans women who regularly present at them. One is in her early 50s and has only recently transitioned and it’s heartbreaking really hearing the way her family reacted to her wanting to wear dresses and make up when young. She talked about her mother hitting and berating her and making it clear she wouldn’t be welcome in the family if she turned up dressed in women’s clothing.
I do wonder if Trans people feel like they must be in the wrong body primarily because people are so rigid in their ideas about what it is to be a boy or a girl.
My daughter prefers boys clothing and short hair. She’s mistaken as a boy all the time and sometimes it bothers her but we’ve never suggested she can’t do as she pleases when it comes to her style and we’ve consistently told her that even though some people think it’s really important girls/boys only wear certain things, have certain hairstyles or like certain toys that’s just because they don’t understand that everyone is different and likes different things.
If she tells me when she’s older she feels like she’s a boy I would be supportive in her exploring why she feels that way and ultimately if she wanted to transition I would support that too (though not as a child). I really think it’s helpful to separate gender identity, gender presentation and sex when having discussion about trans issues. It would also be helpful if it could be agreed what terminology will be used for sex (eg male/female) vs gender (eg him/her and man/woman)
So if someone whose gender presentation is generally more masculine identifies as a woman and decides they would prefer to use she/her then I don’t see it as an issue and think everyone should try to accommodate that regardless of their sex. Sure you might forget sometimes and correct yourself but deliberately using different pronouns than you’ve been asked to is just rude and, knowing how much it can upset people, pretty nasty.
Regardless of what your gender identify and gender presentation are your sex won’t change so if there are single sex spaces it’s appropriate you use the one for your sex. If doing so might cause safety issues there should be the possibility of providing an alternative without that being using the facilities for the other sex. In the case of sports you could easily have male only, female only & open. In the case of changing rooms, toilets etc you could provide more individual facilities suitable for anyone to use (could also use as a mechanism to increase availability of bathrooms for disabled people). In the case of things like prisons, refuge centres, rape crisis centres etc where females are very vulnerable you could have a separate service for males or in the latter case specific times with open/male sessions.
While most of what is being asked for in terms of protection of single sex spaces is totally reasonable I find it unsettling how nasty many women are about it. Some are not but many describe trans women in such awful terms and it seems like they think they are all disgusting or sexually deviant or deliberately trying to hurt females. Surely you can have some compassion for people who are trans and having a really tough time while also being firm that single sex spaces are important and should be protected?