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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad taking a bath with young child

275 replies

Demjay · 23/03/2023 22:43

Please help:
would you consider it normal for a dad to share a bath with his children : say 3-5 years? If you had other concerns , would this be a red flag , or is this just totally ordinary / acceptable dad behaviour?

OP posts:
x2boys · 23/03/2023 23:25

DrainedNFedUp · 23/03/2023 23:21

No, it’s I find it very inappropriate.

No father should be bathing/showering with their child, I’d be very concerned if he thought it was acceptable to do so.

Why???

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 23:26

If you are a poster who doesn't think it is right, would you never let the dad be on their own with their child. They don't need to be in a bath together for abuse to happen.

If you don't trust him why did you have children with him?

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/03/2023 23:27

Perfectly normal.

I prefer to shower alone but my husband loves a bath with DS.

AliceMcK · 23/03/2023 23:28

Demjay · 23/03/2023 23:02

I just wanted peoples honest opinions about the bath. It seems most people think this is fine

Show quote history

But it’s not as simple as is it ok for a dad having a bath with his child. Your drip feed absolutely changes the question and answer.

Sparkleshine21 · 23/03/2023 23:30

Normal. I remember having a bath with my dad when I was 5, never did me any harm. Depends if you have any other concerns?

Original poster
Demjay · 23/03/2023 23:31

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 23:26

If you are a poster who doesn't think it is right, would you never let the dad be on their own with their child. They don't need to be in a bath together for abuse to happen.

If you don't trust him why did you have children with him?

Yes of course. It’s not that the bath creates a unit unique opportunity for abuse that couldn’t be realised elsewhere 😔. it was more whether this was additional flag indicating a lack of normal/ safe boundaries.

OP posts:
FuchsAndMöhr · 23/03/2023 23:32

DrainedNFedUp · 23/03/2023 23:21

No, it’s I find it very inappropriate.

No father should be bathing/showering with their child, I’d be very concerned if he thought it was acceptable to do so.

Don’t be so fucking ridiculous!!

LuvSmallDogs · 23/03/2023 23:33

I much preferred bathing with my dad to bathing with my mum, she always ran the bath too hot for my liking.

Once I was too big to bath with them and bathed alone, whichever of my folks was around would still help detangle and rinse my bum length hair with clean water from the sink.

When I was about 9 I started developing breast buds, and during a hair wash with my mum I asked if dad could stop doing it because he was a man and I was getting bigger. She said it was fine for me to feel that way and she'd pass the message on to dad for me, and only my mum helped me from then on.

My dad is bloody lovely and I trust him with my own kids fully.

Original poster
Demjay · 23/03/2023 23:35

LuvSmallDogs · 23/03/2023 23:33

I much preferred bathing with my dad to bathing with my mum, she always ran the bath too hot for my liking.

Once I was too big to bath with them and bathed alone, whichever of my folks was around would still help detangle and rinse my bum length hair with clean water from the sink.

When I was about 9 I started developing breast buds, and during a hair wash with my mum I asked if dad could stop doing it because he was a man and I was getting bigger. She said it was fine for me to feel that way and she'd pass the message on to dad for me, and only my mum helped me from then on.

My dad is bloody lovely and I trust him with my own kids fully.

Aww this is lovely

OP posts:
DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 23/03/2023 23:35

a father bathing with their child is no different than a mother bathing with their child. I’m really concerned that the mumsnet groupthink seems to be that all dads morph into paedophiles after having children and must be forbidden from bathing with them 🙄

dollypartin · 23/03/2023 23:35

My husband is uncomfortable with it but all people are different.

However I think the physical abuse is absolutely a red flag for other abuse - clearly he has no conscience about how his actions affect others, which is often found in abusers.

If you're genuinely worried can you talk to his partner?

fUNNYfACE36 · 23/03/2023 23:39

Demjay · 23/03/2023 22:55

Because 98% of sexual abusers are male. The overwhelming majority of child sex abuse is committed by men. It’s exceptionally rare for a mother to sexually abuse her own children.

Show quote history

I dont think you understand how statistics work, where you have a binary variable. A person is either a sex abuser or they aren't.The fact that woman very seldom abuse, does not make a female abuser any safer

twanmever · 23/03/2023 23:42

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 23/03/2023 23:35

a father bathing with their child is no different than a mother bathing with their child. I’m really concerned that the mumsnet groupthink seems to be that all dads morph into paedophiles after having children and must be forbidden from bathing with them 🙄

94% of mumsnet groupthink disagrees with OP, which means your comment is not correct.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 23/03/2023 23:43

Giant drip feed there OP. Speak to his partner.

Emmamoo89 · 23/03/2023 23:43

Totally normal!

CMVB · 23/03/2023 23:45

Complete non issue for me. Totally normal in our household

Original poster
Demjay · 23/03/2023 23:51

fUNNYfACE36 · 23/03/2023 23:39

I dont think you understand how statistics work, where you have a binary variable. A person is either a sex abuser or they aren't.The fact that woman very seldom abuse, does not make a female abuser any safer

Show quote history

i get what you are trying to say , however , I do think the fact that men are statistically overwhelmingly more likely than women to sexually abuse children is relevant here. given that men are statistically much more likely to pose a risk to children than women (especially in terms of sexually predatory behaviour), I think it’s logical to expect that some boundaries might be different, and to assess the risk differently when confronted with a situation that stands out.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 23:53

Can dads never change nappies, take their DC swimming?

Original poster
Demjay · 23/03/2023 23:53

twanmever · 23/03/2023 23:42

94% of mumsnet groupthink disagrees with OP, which means your comment is not correct.

Show quote history

Quite. If there’s a mumsnet group think on this issue @DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 you are very much part of that majority!

OP posts:
CountZacular · 23/03/2023 23:56

I think, for individual parental relationships then it’s fine and yes, generally the same whether mother or father. I do however understand OP’s point that statistically if it was not fine, it would more likely be because of a man, not a woman.

In my view it is absolutely fine for a father to bathe with his small children. But there’s something here that’s concerning you, OP, and I assume it’s not just to do with the bath based on what you’ve said about about abuse. Do you know or suspect he has shown similar behaviours of abuse to the children?

ToastMarmalade · 23/03/2023 23:56

Yes with the additional red flags.

No without them.

And I also think anything that just ‘feels off’ is a pretty good indicator that things are not good. I had a male relative who liked to huge me a little too much, a few little things Iike that for example when I was a young teenager. I still know him and he’s a very nice man. BUT I am so glad as a teenager I felt that instinct and put my boundaries up - basically stayed away. Not everything is abusive but anything that is stepping over boundaries needs to be nipped in the bud straight away.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/03/2023 23:57

If you don't trust a person to bath with their own child why the fuck are you having a child with that person?

comfyshoes2022 · 24/03/2023 00:00

Totally normal.

UWhatNow · 24/03/2023 00:01

It’s 100% fine if the man is normal.

It’s NOT fine if they have any sexually inappropriate intentions.

If something feels ‘off’ then please protect those children at all costs.

sjxoxo · 24/03/2023 00:05

Also think it’s totally normal. I often have a bath with my bubba who is 12 months. DH would probably but doesn’t fit comfortably in the bath! I think if we had a daughter he probably wouldn’t feel as comfortable once she was a bit older, but I think with our son he’s pretty relaxed about it. DH is very used to male team sports and sports changing rooms so maybe that makes a difference!?! The bit about the other concerns is an entirely different matter… would depend on what they are obviously.