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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you ever get over a parents death

166 replies

freezingone · 23/03/2023 21:53

My DM has a terminal diagnosis and amongst the million thoughts flying round my head is all these/ you people in the world who's parents have already died.. are they/you ok? Have they/you got over it? Do you eventually get over it? I'm so full of fear that it's going to fundamentally change me as a person forever & not for the better.. yet of course we all must go through it- some younger than others. I'm in my early 50s- kids pretty grown up, so I'm well aware of how lucky I am in the sense I won't be 'missing out' on any of those poignant moments we want our mums around for, yet I can't imagine her not being around ever again.. does time really heal such a loss?? (Indeed any major loss, can't even begin to switch this to the loss of a child)

OP posts:
HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 23/03/2023 22:00

I could have written this. My DM is on end of life. Its a roller coaster of emotion every day...asking myself, will this be the last time I see her? I'm living in a weird world right now where normal life must continue as normal: working, interacting with grown up kids and DH, going out for meals, cinema, celebrating birthdays etc but it's all tinged with sadness and I wonder if I'll ever feel a natural joy again.

I have no advice OP but I am sorry for what you and your DM are going thru. People with experiences will be along to help support you im sure. Hugs to you.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/03/2023 22:02

The lead up to it was worse for me. 6 months on beginning to function most of the time. Not at full capacity and easily overwhelmed but functioning mostly.

OliviaPark · 23/03/2023 22:02

It’s never ok - but in my experience the waves of grief don’t ever get smaller but they do get further apart. At the beginning, they were just constantly knocking me off my feet but eventually it has become only every so often.

The feeling of unfairness has never left me but again, now it only feels overwhelming sometimes.

💐💐💐

Glassofwhatever · 23/03/2023 22:04

My DM died 20 years ago and honestly you do get used to them not being around. I still miss her but it's a very dull ache rather than that awful pain you're feeling now and afterwards. It probably took about two years though if I'm honest to get to how I feel now. Big hugs xx

Bucketheadbucketbum · 23/03/2023 22:05

Epitaph - By Merrit Malloy

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.

And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not your mind.

You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

bossybloss · 23/03/2023 22:07

I echo what Glassofwhatever has said. My mum died 26 years ago. I am now the age she was when she died. It gets easier with time.

SadMadGlad · 23/03/2023 22:08

My Mum passed away 3 months ago and it still hurts like hell. Sending you hugs OP

BillyNighysWife · 23/03/2023 22:08

No, you never ‘get over’ the death of your parents. It changes you forever.

However, the changes you go through are not wholly tragic. Much as I suffered (as did he of course) during the decline and death of my dad, it also brought about a real process of growing up for me. And alongside the terrible sadness it has also been liberating.

This is how it is for most people and this is how it should be. You can’t rush grief and everyone needs to grieve for as long as it takes for them. But eventually life goes on. Not the same as it was before, and there will always be room for fun again.

BananaSpanner · 23/03/2023 22:08

My mum died last week. Her final days were awful and I was very emotional leading up to her death and immediately afterwards. Now, the raw emotion is subsiding and I just have the aching sadness under the surface. Im back to work in a couple of days so I will just have to crack on. I think I will feel that low lying sadness for a long time though. It won’t be my most prominent feeling all of the time and I am capable of laughing and sharing a lovely moment with my kids.

lifeturnsonadime · 23/03/2023 22:09

Of course you do. My father died when I was 21 which was 26 years ago.

Time is a healer. You are lucky to have had more time with your DM than I had with my DF.

FatFucker · 23/03/2023 22:09

My mum died over 30 years ago. I was 27.

It will get easier but admit I still cry every couple of months when I miss her. I probably don't think about her every day, maybe not even every week. Life is so busy.

But I feel lucky to have have had a mum that loved me so so much. I'd rather have had my amazing mum for only 27 years than some of the awful mums that my friends have. If that makes sense.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could say something to help the pain.

I have a wonderful poem I read sometimes when i particularly miss her. I'll post it later.

theotherfossilsister · 23/03/2023 22:09

My lovely old dad died in May. I think I was in some weird form of shock at the time as it didn't hit me. We were sightseeing when I got the call from my mum and didn't want to stop. My partner had to steady me as I was on some weird adrenal high. Was also pregnant and going to fetal medicine all the time

It hits me in waves, seeing a family together, realising that there will never be photographs of my dad and my child as their lives only overlapped when my baby was in utero.

Someone on my Facebook said that my dad will always be with me until I'm an old old lady. Who he was will inform who I am, how I act, how I see the world, how I parent my own child. Maybe it's corny but I actually found it really lovely and think it's true. My dad is part of me. Sometimes I imagine him telling me things, or telling my son a story.

I'm sorry about your mum. It hurts whatever she you are.

ItsCrap · 23/03/2023 22:10

I lost both parents when I was in my early 30s, only a few years ago.

I miss them. It's not real in so many ways but time does make you more numb and let's you function.

Sending you my best OP. Be kind to yourself, cut yourself slack.

theotherfossilsister · 23/03/2023 22:10

*age not she

Ginger1982 · 23/03/2023 22:11

You learn to live with it. My dad died when I was 13, over 27 years ago. It's most noticeable at important life events but he is not the first or last thing I think about. He is a pleasant memory now and someone I often wistfully wish could be here.

lifeturnsonadime · 23/03/2023 22:12

lifeturnsonadime · 23/03/2023 22:09

Of course you do. My father died when I was 21 which was 26 years ago.

Time is a healer. You are lucky to have had more time with your DM than I had with my DF.

Apologies I realise that was insensitive. It's hard what ever the age of your parents and whenever it happens.

i am sorry you are going through this now. Flowers

Bayleaf25 · 23/03/2023 22:12

Not sure you ever get over it. DM died 7 years ago and I regularly have a silent tear (at least once a month) sometimes when I read a post like this and miss her.

However ultimately life does ‘move on’ and I know she wouldn’t want me to spend my life thinking about it, I have my own children who deserve my whole self if that makes sense and my own life to live. It does get easier but never 100% goes away.

DilemmaDelilah · 23/03/2023 22:13

It does get easier, but I'm not sure I will ever stop missing mine. Or my grandmother. And I remember being a bit surprised at hearing my own very elderly grandmother talking about her parents as if she missed them. Now I have lost her, and both my own parents, I can understand that. It has been 7 years since I lost my mum and at times it is almost unbearable, but those times are now few and far between. Most of the time I can remember her with pleasure rather than with grief.

PollyIndia · 23/03/2023 22:13

My parents both died last year unexpectedly, 4 months apart. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, but I’ve heard from others that the space around it grows. I’m so sorry you are going through rhis. It’s so hard losing your parents. My world is forever changed.

PinkiOcelot · 23/03/2023 22:14

I don’t think you ever get over it. You just learn to live with it.
Flowers

hoophoophooray · 23/03/2023 22:15

My dad died 5 years ago a few days after my 40th birthday.

you get used to it but it still hurts

HeddaGarbled · 23/03/2023 22:15

Yes, IMO. By the time you’re my age, most people have lost one or both parents. It’s hard at the time, but, I think, because it’s a universal experience, and ‘the natural order’, you do get over the grief. My memories now are the good ones.

SliceoQuiche · 23/03/2023 22:17

My dad died without warning in December and I’m still reeling. I’m hoping time heals somewhat, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over it; just hoping the pain dulls at some point.

mynamesnotMa · 23/03/2023 22:18

You have good and bad days.
The good days are when you say or do something you know they'd do. You feel their spirit. Or when the children remember a characteristic of theirs and we laugh.

Bad days are when you cant remember their voice or how they made you feel when they'd say something to you. Or you worry they didn't know you appreciated all the good things they did sacrifices they made for you more. You wished you'd paid attention to who they were. You know it's too late now.

It definitely gets easier but I allowed myself to grieve and remember. Cry laugh and be thankful I had a great mum.

romany4 · 23/03/2023 22:20

You move on. And live with it.
I lost my dad 13 years ago from an aggressive Cancer which took him quickly which was a massive shock at the time.
I miss him very much but can talk about and remember him now without crying.
it gets easier