To ask if you ever get over a parents death

[freezingone]

My DM has a terminal diagnosis and amongst the million thoughts flying round my head is all these/ you people in the world who's parents have already died.. are they/you ok? Have they/you got over it? Do you eventually get over it? I'm so full of fear that it's going to fundamentally change me as a person forever & not for the better.. yet of course we all must go through it- some younger than others. I'm in my early 50s- kids pretty grown up, so I'm well aware of how lucky I am in the sense I won't be 'missing out' on any of those poignant moments we want our mums around for, yet I can't imagine her not being around ever again.. does time really heal such a loss?? (Indeed any major loss, can't even begin to switch this to the loss of a child)

It will be ok. My mum is in me, from the way I peg my washing out, to the way I'm holding things coming down stairs sometimes. Still really sad and mixed up at times but it's OK.

My mum died last year.
Still devastated.

My DM died 27 years ago and it still hits me sometimes.

The grief was short lived in our case, we had time to get used to the idea he was going to die (advanced age and cancer), we used the time left to make the best of it: talk, joke, talk, have philosophical conversations, laugh (a lot), keep talking.

When he was finally gone we had no guilt and no regrets, most had been said, we did our best, he was no longer in pain.

I never expected there was going to be such a short lived grief, of course we miss him but… we are seeing his death as just a “pause” in our communication and grief has been replaced by a huge level of gratitude for having him in our lives.

I understand however this is not the norm but we have been truly blessed by the way he prepared us for his death.

It does get better I was 30 and my dad suddenly passed on Father's Day. The immense anger for ages after was awful. Life just becomes a new normal and you do smile again. Just make sure you never forget that time goes by so quickly and do things that you enjoy

The grief was short lived in our case, we had time to get used to the idea he was going to die (advanced age and cancer), we used the time left to make the best of it: talk, joke, talk, have philosophical conversations, laugh (a lot), keep talking.

Yes, that's what we did. I remember the last Christmas with my mum thinking that it would be the last Christmas we would have with her and made sure to treasure every moment. She died the following year just a week before Christmas.

Yes the pain from loss does get less over time, the fond memories come more to the fore. I think it depends on their age and perhaps the nature of their death. The difficult times can be the first one or two Christmases without them, and fortunately the option to mark Christmas in a place my dad had never stayed in possibly helped.

I think it depends on their age and perhaps the nature of their death.

I agree. The sudden death of anyone must make you feel robbed. I had time to get used to the idea that both of my parents were going to die.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through OP. I'm in a similar situation with my DF and it's tough. You may want to research 'anticipatory grief' - it's real and can be just as painful as bereavement. I'm currently finding some comfort through reading 'the tibetan book of living and dying' and listening to podcasts about coping with grief e.g. https://open.spotify.com/episode/7CDjd4OAFJwxrxQYoGRldC?si=bfWs5mimT2aF-j1BWMH58A

Mum died beginning of Jan, so only a few weeks ago really. I finally understand the wave analogy of grief in a way I hadn't really understood before. You can be reasonably ok one week and the next the deep longing for her and sadness can feel overwhelming. I think I'm only just starting to understand on a deeper level I won't see her again. She died of COPD so had been poorly for a while so it wasn't a shock, and yet it still has been.

I hope it does get easier as people say as I am also finding myself quite emotionally flat and irritable too.

My mum died 12 years ago when my DC were very young (DS was 1) the time she was in hospital and immediately after her death was so hard. I felt like I was sleepwalking through, just functioning on survival mode. If I took the kids out for the day I'd get home and be bereft that I couldn't call her and tell her where we'd been, what DC were doing.
Exactly 6 months to the day she died I visited my dad (I had visited lots of times before that) and I suddenly realised that driving there, I hadn't re-lived the last journey to the hospital. On the way home one of the kids started throwing up and had norovirus. I remember realising I can cope with this, I'm managing without calling mum for reassurance or advice (or just to have a moan!😉) and it was a really pivotal moment for me.

I don't think about her every day anymore but sometimes can be caught unawares. A couple of years ago my neighbour of a similar age had her mum to stay from overseas and they had gone to school drop off. Just seeing them together doing something mundane caught me unaware and I had to rush past and hope they didn't see me because I could feel myself welling up! And seeing DD in her prom dress made me sad mum wouldn't see how she'd grown up and be really proud of her.
My dad died 3 years ago and I don't think it hit me as hard, but in a way it felt like he took the last bit of mum with him.

Mostly when thinking of my parents now is remembering a funny time or doing something myself that reminds me of them. Me and sibling often joke on WhatsApp what they would have said or done in certain circumstances

My mum died 15 years ago, and a part of me died with her if I'm honest. I've never quite been the person I was before. Life goes on and I'm fine in general, but it did change me.

My DF died at 54 and my DM was then killed at 69 in a car accident. I was 44. This was six years ago.
I live a pretty charmed life but both those events were completely outside of my control and I live with a constant underlying feel of sadness, and unfairly resentment at PIL who rattle on in their 80's.
It never leaves you. Really.

My dad died last week, after months of being unwell and then a week in hospital.

It's not easy, but I am taking comfort in the fact that until this recent illness he had a full and happy life and was a great dad and grandad. If you are particularly struggling with things, it's a good idea to seed some counselling or just talk to friends. Nearly all of this will go through this.

Yes you do. Of course you still miss them and wish you had more time with them, but it's the natural order of things and you eventually get over it and carry on. I still get a heart ache when I see an older gentleman with a full head of white hair - just like my dad's. But I now think of all the good memories snd what a wonderful life my parents led.
My husband died suddenly at 51 when our children were small - that has more profoundly affected my son (less so my daughter who was 4). I often wonder how things would be different for him if he'd had his father in his life.

I don't think you ever "get over" any major life experience, whether happy or sad. You're a constantly changing person, and you internalise your experiences. Effectively, you are the sum of your experiences.

If you're asking whether the pain ever goes away, then no. But it changes, and becomes less frequent.

My Mum died nearly 4 years ago. When she died, it felt like losing a limb. Now, it's like an old knee injury. Every so often you get a twinge to remind you it's there, and in cold weather it aches like a mother fucker.

4 years in, i get moments when I have news or need advice and my first thought is to phone Mum. Those are the twinges. And then there are days where I'm having an absolutely crap day and my mum's not around and that's just the icing on the cake. That's the ache.

But the other day was Mother's Day, and I wasn't sad then, or I can look at photos and remember the nice experiences we had without missing her.

My mum died when was 11. It’s just something I am used to really. I got on with life right after as I just had to and it’s carried on that way.

I am quite a cold person though, I was even as a child so that probably helps.

My dad is currently in a care home with dementia and I am praying for him to die everyday to release him from his living hell, that will just be a relief for us all. I will be able to live again then.

I lost my Mum at Christmas last year. She'd been on a long and slow decline (dementia) so I'd grieved her loss for a while. A poster in this thread mentioned 'anticipatory grief' which sums it up quite well I think.

I didn't think that the grief when she died, would be any different. It was. Someone else on here described the grief coming in waves and that's exactly it - it's an overwhelming wave and I wasn't expecting it at all.

I was totally numb to start with - no tears and a faint sadness but I was getting on with things. It took about two weeks for it to sink in and I remember the day that it did because it ran over me like a truck and I ended up just sitting on the floor wailing.

Since then it's ebbed and flowed. I feel like a part of me has gone. However I have taken a huge amount of comfort from the support I have had on MN - knowing that others have been through this process, that time helps to lessen the burn, and that I am not alone.

It's like nothing else I have ever experienced.

You don't get over the loss of an arm or a leg, so why would you expect to get over the loss of someone just as important to your life?

The loss of anyone special leaves a deep, deep hole in your soul but if you accept that, it does eventually heal. It leaves an equally deep cavity into which you can put anything you choose.

I've lost both parents, two husbands and a fiancé. I could have chosen bitterness and permanent sorrow but that would not have been a fitting memorial to them. Instead I chose to stay as open as I could to the possibility of having a good life, whatever that might look like. I have learned so many things from these people, both in their lives and in their deaths, that I am immeasurably grateful for. I do still wish sometimes that I could have learned them without all the anguish involved, but I still wouldn't be without the knowledge.

It is a long, hard road to climb out of grief and the support of people who understand that helps immeasurably. But it will enrich your life in ways you can't imagine.
.

For me, the worst bit was watching her suffer. Death was a relief.
I am thankful every day that I don't have to watch her suffer.
What surprised me is that the love doesn't go away. Its still there. I'm surrounded by her warmth.

I can only speak for myself, but yes, you do. I lost my dad when I was 18 (I'm early 40s now). The loss was complicated by the fact that he was a bit of a bastard. Had minimal to do with me growing up. He was diagnosed with advanced cancer and passed less than a month later, so there was very little time to prepare, no one in the family was actually honest with me about his prognosis, so I never really got to say goodbye while he was conscious, and being 18, I was his next of kin (no partner or close family) so I had to deal with funeral plans, clearing out his home, probate, selling his home, etc. It was the loss of a parent combined with the loss of any chance of actually having a relationship with him combined with the enormous stress of tying up all his affairs...all as a teenager in the middle of my first year of uni. It was really complicated and difficult for me.

I would say the first year was especially tough, first few years after a bit less - really only came up on significant days, but after about 10 years, it was fine. I know that sounds like a long time right now, but by that I mean, that my birthday could go by and I wouldn't think about how he wasn't there (he wasn't bloody at most of my birthdays when he was alive either!), and I wouldn't necessarily feel anything different on the anniversary of the day he died, etc. It's been 20 years and honestly I don't really think of him anymore. Maybe that sounds sad, but it's true. He was bigger in death than he was in life and the loss has healed and I'm focussed on the life I have (which is great). That said, I have lost my mum (still living, but she's chosen a man over me and her GC) and the pain of a parent choosing to have nothing to do with you, that feels like something I can't ever see getting over, but I hope I will feel the same in time.

My dad died two weeks ago, I'm doing ok. I have bad moments but not bad full days. He was suffering towards the end and I know he was miserable. I miss him with everything I have but I am able to get up and carry on each day.

This is how I feel too.

My dad had dementia. We had "lost" the real dad several years ago. Recently he was not anyone I recognised - anxious, shouty, aggressive, scared, not recognising close family members. So when he finally died it wasn't as much of a shock as we'd been dealing with losing him over several years. There was definitely a sense of relief that he was finally at peace.

Yes, though I guess it very much depends on when they die and the circumstances, and the relationship you had with them.

My dad died aged 82 in 2019 and had been quite unwell for the last two years of his life so in some ways his death was a relief, and it was also a well-cared for, peaceful death. Sad that he didn't have more healthy years but he wasn't himself really after a massive heart attack five years before he died. Glad we had a few more years with him. It also made my DM quite unwell, all the stress of looking after him. She is 83 and really well now and I think we are both at peace with his death. We still talk about him and include him in things "What would he have said about that?"