To ask if you ever get over a parents death

[freezingone]

My DM has a terminal diagnosis and amongst the million thoughts flying round my head is all these/ you people in the world who's parents have already died.. are they/you ok? Have they/you got over it? Do you eventually get over it? I'm so full of fear that it's going to fundamentally change me as a person forever & not for the better.. yet of course we all must go through it- some younger than others. I'm in my early 50s- kids pretty grown up, so I'm well aware of how lucky I am in the sense I won't be 'missing out' on any of those poignant moments we want our mums around for, yet I can't imagine her not being around ever again.. does time really heal such a loss?? (Indeed any major loss, can't even begin to switch this to the loss of a child)

My mum died nearly fifteen years ago and, while I still miss her, it is a sadness rather than the awful initial grief.

My biggest regret is that she never met my daughter.

Also my mum died at 60 when she should have had many more years. It also strangely helped that I could see her death as a release for her as she had cancer and I didn't want her to suffer anymore. Must be harder if it is sudden or unexpected death.

I lost my mum when I was 35, she was only 63
But my grieving started when she was diagnosed terminal and was bed bound for the last few months of her life. We always Saturday shopped together and had fun days out together with my children and I grieved for moments like that. I still miss her terribly but as they say, time does heal. She was in my dreams almost every night after she passed but that gradually got less. Strangely enough, I found the dreams quite comforting.
We all have our own way of dealing with loss and we all need time to grieve - however long is needed.You will come to terms with it when you're ready and you will have happy times again ❤️

I think you feel very vulnerable following the death of a loved parent. It’s as if the top layer of your skin is missing

I think that's a good way to put it.

It's so hard, and I think it makes you realise your own mortality too.
It took a long while for me to remember my mum as the fit and healthy person she had been because the picture of her lying ill and in pain wouldn't go away for ages. There's no point working hard to hurriedly move on, you have to allow yourself time to grieve and to heal.

You do but you never forget them. My dad died when I was 26 and my mum when I was 34. I am an only child. I still miss them and think about them often- at least once every day, usually more. I don't think about them in awful ways, I remember my childhood, what they were like as characters, things they did, said, what mattered to them, what they taught me, how much they loved me. I think about their effect on me as a character. I often think about what they would make of situations or choices I make. I laugh when I am telling DH or DC or PIL about them.

I wish my dad had met DH- he would have liked him a lot. I wish they had met our 3 DC- they would have loved being grandparents and been great with DC. I'd give anything to spend another day with them.

But I live my life quite happily - and that's because of everything they gave me. I feel like I owe them to live life as well as I can.

I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum. Our mother was a toxic narcissist who was horrible to us. We never shed a tear for her, just felt great relief when she disx.

I find it difficult when people are upset af a parent's passing as I just can't relate to it.

My dad died when I was 40. I loved him dearly, but I don't feel sad any more. He's just part of my history that I remember with affection.

I'm also widowed. I'm still sad that DH didn't see his younger DD graduate, or walk her up the aisle at her wedding. He never met his older daughter's partner, and worst of all, never met the grandchildren that he'd have adored. But even so, I'm okay 99% of the time.

I think we're all different though. I did a lot of grieving for each of them when they were ill, and I nursed my DH at home until the end. I think that's probably very different from a shocking and sudden death when you don't get to say goodbye. That would be my nightmare and I'd find that a lot harder to get over.

It does change you. I was 39. I'm just more aware of what it means, the sense of missing them forever. Just one more phone call, one more hug. Only in my dreams. One thing you might want to anticipate is the unbelievable comments you get from people - "Why are you upset, he had a good innings", "He'd have had no life anyway", "sounds like you weren't that close so I guess it was no big deal", "I thought his death was on the cards, were you not expecting it"...I started asking these twats whether their parents are still alive and 100% of the time they are. And yet they feel qualified to judge how you should feel.

Time helps but the feelings never go away. I've been considering trauma and bereavement counselling to deal with my parents deaths to be honest.

Both parents have died, and one from cancer who was nursed at home. I miss my father more than my mother, as we were very close. It is never an easy adjustment, but after that initial period of mourning comes some self reflection. It is a fact of life that we are born, we live and then we die. The death of close relatives was a reminder to me to change my life, and not take my time left for granted.

does time really heal such a loss??

Yes it does. I remember my parents with nostalgia now, not sadness.
They both died over 30 years ago. I had a happy childhood and a good relationship with them, and had moved away, so was used to not seeing them all the time.

Knowing that someone you love is going to die is very hard though

I'm so sorry, @freezingone. It's a horrid, shitty disease. My mum's prognosis was 6 weeks. Inoperable and the consultant just suggested palliative care. We were fortunate that another consultant proposed risky chemoradio. The treatment took a lot out of my mum, and she really struggled with it. But she went into remission and we had another 5 years with her, before she became ill with peritoneal cancer and died. What I'm trying to say badly is, just look after and love each other as best you can. Doctors' prognoses are informed guesses, they aren't fortune tellers

I've lost both my parents. One when I was 27, the other I was 43. It never leaves you but I am not grieving. But they both had serious (not necessarily terminal) illness my whole living memory so I grew up never expecting them to live into old age so in some ways I had prepared for years so was a bit hardened to it.

I feel awful writing this, but losing a parent is hard. However, you have to believe me when I say that it is a walk in the park compared to losing a child. 😔

Thank you so much for this

I lost my Mam very suddenly. The shock of seeing her just a couple of hours before and then her being gone still takes my breath away at times, even 15+ years later.

But you do come to terms with it over time. I found it a slow and gradual experience. Eventually you remember good things more often. I don't think I have ever stopped missing her, though, or wanting to ring her up and tell her when I have good news etc.

Sending you best wishes, OP.

Yes I don't doubt that for one minute and I'm so sorry if that's your experience.

My mam died very suddenly and unexpectedly just after Christmas aged 67.. im 36 with two young children and my sister is currently trying for a baby.

It has been horrific, I can't sugar coat it. But the biggest thing has been the shock with it being so sudden as my mam hasn't been poorly. I last saw her on Christmas Day abs she was full of life and healthy and gorgeous. Hours later she dropped down dead.

It's been almost 3 months now and day to day is easier, im back to work and I can smile and laugh but omg when I really stop to think I'll never speak to my mam or see her again it breaks my heart... we were so so close.

I'm sending you so much love right now, I can't begin to imagine what you're going through and also having the grief process sort of start prematurely... take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. 💕

Lost my mum 4 months ago very suddenly. I was in a trance for a month. my DP who I had only been seeing for 8 months at the time was great and was there when I needed him. He wasn’t sure how I would react. He thought it was odd I was so calm and measured when I found out and for weeks after. Was waiting on me breaking down. In fact lots of people said the same. But never lost a parent so not too sure how I would react. Now know I am the measured one out of the family.

I found living life normally hard- well adjusting to the new norm. I was very grumpy and it’s only last few weeks that I have enjoyed work and can concentrate. I feel guilty I couldn’t be there, but I had a few hours warning it could happen and I was 6 hours away.

it’s stupid things that get me. Like her perfume or songs or things I want to tell her. She was my cheerleader in life. I forget sometimes she died. I do my grieving alone as I don’t want people to fuss and feel my mum would get annoyed if I was still upset. I do ask if need support, but that’s my way.

Yes I will continue to live without her. I will never forget. More worried about my dad now so it’s distraction. But you can’t control death and I was going to happen at one point in my life. Death is shit

I wish I was as close to my mum / dad as some of you all seem to be.
When they die, I will be sad. But I don't think I will grieve for very long.

Both my parents are now dead, Dad many years ago and Mum more recently. It took me months before I could say the word as it felt so final. The pain of first losing them took my breath away it was so dreadful and I never thought I would get over it. Years on I still think of them both every day even if only fleetingly. I was lucky that I had wonderful parents and have many happy memories to look back on of my childhood. Those make me feel happy and get me through the sadder moments.

The thing to remember is your parents made you so they will never entirely leave you as you carry a part of them inside you. Everything you have done and will do is because of them.

OP, I am sorry for what you are going through and what you have ahead of you.

My Dad died nearly 20 yrs ago- we knew it was coming- as did he- terminal cancer. I was really close to him - we had some good old chats - he was very worried about leaving my mum alone and wanted reassurance the family would look after her- which we have because she is lovely.
I was devastated when he died but it gets better and these days the sadness has lifted - I miss him always - he was always into new tech and would be blown away with a smartphone!
I was lucky - he walked me down the aisle to marry DH and met DS (although he was just a baby) . I still have dreams where he is there and not ill. I'm your age O/P and my mum is nearly 80 and after being in good health until her mid 70's she was diagnosed with bloody cancer last year. I am with her every step of the way - I take her to all her appointments and she is doing well but is now quite frail. We keep going though and try and laugh about it most of the time. It's hard but you'll get there

My husband would say exactly this.

Dh's father recently died. I don't think he has given it much thought and focused on supporting his mum and being an executor of the will. Not everyone is close to their parents, particularly as you have lived outside their house for so long.

My mum died suddenly two years ago. At the time, it was so sudden and brutal that I thought I'd never recover from my shattered, broken heart but two years on, I'm still here, life is ok and I can smile again.

No the pain is not fixed. Mothers' day was awful but the pain felt like a dull spoon digging at me rather than the sharp knife it was at the beginning. I will miss her till the day I die but I won't be actively grieving for that long. Life and all its opportunities will grow up around me and somehow or other, I'll make my mum proud.

As bad as the future looks, you can do this.