To ask if you ever get over a parents death

[freezingone]

My DM has a terminal diagnosis and amongst the million thoughts flying round my head is all these/ you people in the world who's parents have already died.. are they/you ok? Have they/you got over it? Do you eventually get over it? I'm so full of fear that it's going to fundamentally change me as a person forever & not for the better.. yet of course we all must go through it- some younger than others. I'm in my early 50s- kids pretty grown up, so I'm well aware of how lucky I am in the sense I won't be 'missing out' on any of those poignant moments we want our mums around for, yet I can't imagine her not being around ever again.. does time really heal such a loss?? (Indeed any major loss, can't even begin to switch this to the loss of a child)

Everyone grieves differently but I think the the lead up to heaven expected death is worse. All concerned are worried not just for themselves but for each other.

My dear Dad died nearly 3 years ago. Someone asked me once over the last 3 years how I was and I said I was fine. I had no regrets, as in we had a relationship based on love and admiration and I believe that's helped in my grieving.

No, my DM died 32 years ago when I was 24, I think about her everyday and I feel sad that she never saw me get married, never met my DH, never knew I had 2 DC, never had her help around with DC, always felt envious of school mums who had loads of help from Grandparents. Friends/family/colleagues don’t know about my sadness, it’s just there, part of me, everyday. Bless you and your mum 💐

I’m so sorry 💐

My mum died 2 years ago and I still haven’t come to terms with it, doubt I ever will. I drove to work crying today, that wave of grief was really strong. 3 years since lockdown and mum died of covid.

I have found it has changed me, the waves of grief used to be constant and they are now further apart but hit me just as hard when they come.

I lost my dad a few years ago. It happened quite suddenly but we had long enough to say our goodbyes and start to try to process things. The time leading up to his death was surreal, it didn't feel real. I was on autopilot I think. Afterwards it was a barrage of messages and support and planning and then life just sort of resumed. It was that time that I found the hardest I think, everyone else going back to normal except for me and my family there was this huge void.

Years on, things do get better and you adapt to the absence in your life but do you ever really get over it? Not sure. I go about life and mostly think I'm doing fine then sometimes I'll just be overcome with emotion and miss him so much. It's particularly hard for my dc who miss their grandad. My mum hasn't been the same since either. Our whole family dynamic has changed.

Sorry I'm rambling but I guess my point is that things won't be the same and you will always be a bit sad but time does heal and you will be ok. Sending lots of love to you.

I remember feeling quite panicky about this before my mum died. Yes, it does change you - but that's ok. Yes, you can cope. Yes, it is 'ok'.
It is also really terrible but you get used to it! Very sorry about your mum's diagnosis.

I’m 6 months in. Some weeks are harder than others and I’m not sad all the time, sometimes I’m really happy but it’s always there and it can get overwhelming at times. In a weird way I don’t want to get over it, it’s definitely changed me but I’m ok with that, it feels right if that makes sense.

My Mum died when I was 37, 3 months before my wedding. You don't get over it, you learn to live with it.

It does get easier as time passes. Hugs OP x

You get used to it never over it. It’s hard to explain. I live my life & function day to day, i’m happy etc but sometimes out of nowhere it’ll hit me & i’ll cry as sometimes i just really want my mum. It’s 15 years since my mum died so she never got to meet my kids & it makes me sad they didn’t get to have her in their lives.

my dad died last year & that was also sad & end of an era i suppose as i’m like an orphan now but whilst it was sad it was nothing like the devestation i had / have losing my mum who was the person i was closest to than anyone in the world

My Dad died 6 weeks ago, his last few weeks weren't kind ones for him.

I hope to God that it does get easier. I don't think I've ever cried so much and for so long, I'm exhausted and I can't believe he's gone.

My father died 12 years ago when I was in my early twenties. It was truly awful for the first year(s) and it has fundamentally changed who I am as a person but not necessarily for the worse.

I’ve never liked the saying ‘time heals all wounds’ and don’t believe that it does but in my experience the pain and sadness has become more manageable. I liked the PPs description of the waves of grief becoming further apart with time. Although I get sad around birthday, big life events and anniversaries and I do still miss him and think about him often these thoughts are now largely positive ones, like remembering happy memories that bring a smile to my face. I’ve also always liked the belief that a PP shared about them always being a part of you for the rest of your life. The love they have given you and how they have imparted their qualities and experiences on you has helped shape who you are and that is something you will always have, even when they are no longer physically here.

I’m sorry you are going through this and wish you strength 💐

You do.

At first the shock takes your breath away and after that for me there was a lot of pain. I did have periods where I wondered whether I would feel properly happy again. I did. It was noticeable around the ten month mark.

Second time round I knew that I would be ok and I also had grief counselling which I would highly recommend.

You will always miss them but you will be ok. X

As this forum is anonymous, I can be truthful.

It was awful when my dad died. Watching him get weaker, watching my grandparents grieve, seeing my friends with their dads, not having him walk me down the aisle or meet my children (I was only 21, he was 57).
But I think it would’ve been worse if I’d lost my mum. She’s always been the steadying force in my life, my rock, the one whose advice I took and still take, and I can’t imagine mothering my children without my own mum.

I didn’t love my dad less, obviously. But I knew I would eventually be able to move forward with my life after my dad passed, taking the memories of him with me wherever I go. I couldn’t have said the same if it had been my mum. I would’ve been completely lost.

I do still feel incredibly sad sometimes. I wish we’d had more time together. The intense pain eventually subsides and you’re able to talk about them and smile instead of cry. But you never really get over it. It changes you as a person and it shapes your life. The only people who really get it are other people who have had a similar loss. I became friends with someone 3 years ago who had lost her dad at the same age as me. It made me feel close to her quite quickly, and I know she understands the ebbs and flows of grief far better than any of my other friends can.

I think this is one of the side effects of being so removed from death nowadays.

I went to the funerals of a number of great aunts and uncles, beloved uncles, cousins and grandparents before I had to deal with the loss of a parent.

Of course you will grieve, of course it will change you, of course you will always miss them. That's the other side to having so much wonderful love in your life.

If you've never been through a grieving process before the shock of it makes it all that much harder. But you will get through it because their love is always with you, it is what has made you you,

I’m in a similar situation. My mum died over 30 years ago and there are days when it still hits me hard.

But I had a mum who loved me and cared for me so well - that makes me very lucky.

There are so many wise words here, so I won't add to them.
All I would say is: give it time. (and 'Time is new' used to be one of my DM's sayings. I've lost her recently and this really echoes with me.)

Thank you. Each and every response to my post has resonated and helps. I guess you don't know how you'll deal with grief until it happens & I'm definitely in the anticipatory grief stage.. I feel like I'm climbing a very steep rollercoaster right now, holding on tight & terrified to reach the top for what will follow. I'm also very mindful I've had my parents for much longer than some and I'm so sorry for those who haven't. I just didn't see this coming so soon & really thought I'd be visiting my DM in her 80s/90s.. she's only 70 :-(

I love this

You don’t get over it you just eventually get used to them not being around. Mum almost 4 years ago dad 6 months later. It was devastating and painful and I miss them both so much. I find comfort visiting the grave and I talk to them. The milestones are difficult and I often find myself wanting to ask them something that I know they would know or tell them family news. It’s good if you have someone you can talk to about them without judgement or their discomfort.

When my mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, I was bereft and really struggled throughout her chemo. I've since found out that is called anticipatory grief. When she died, I was still stuck in "coping" mode, as we'd had a rocky 6 weeks as she declined in hospital and then we moved her into a wonderful hospice. I was so busy "coping" (so i thought), we were whacked with lockdown and I had to deal with sorting out work, supporting my kids through GCSEs & A levels when the schools were closed. It was a lot to deal with. Two months after my mum died, I just found I couldn't catch my breath one day. It was like I was drowning, I couldn't breathe. I choked when I tried to talk, I couldn't function. My gp pointed me at a local bereavement support service, and I had weekly calls with them for 6 months. I'm not exaggerating when I say they literally scraped me off the floor and got me back on my feet. 3 years & 2.5 weeks later, I'm not over the loss. It's bloody tough being an orphan at any age! And you mourn not only the parent you have lost, but your own childhood, you mourn the relationship you wish you'd had, and the relationship you wanted your children to have. Yes, death is part of life but I honestly think grief hurts so much because its part of love. Sorry, not meaning to be mushy

I’m so sorry.

my Dad died nearly 10 years ago. You don’t get over it but it does get easier and you start to smile as you remember rather than cry.

I had made peace with my parents dying long before they actually did, as they were both elderly and having issues, so in a way it was a relief when they both went. I had no waves of grief or anything like that, and have been quite matter of fact about it all.

However, it is something that is always with you. I think of them both often, and even "talk" to them inside my head.

Once when visiting my DM in her rest home I heard a woman, who was well in her 90s, telling someone that she still missed her parents so it seems it never truly goes away. However, life goes on, and it does get easier.

This is my mums diagnosis. I fear I'm going to be you. I was crippled just with the diagnosis - never had mental health issues in my life & frankly my reaction terrified me

I think the loss is sad whether you were young so didn’t have them for long enough or older and are so used to having them. My mum refers to it as the changing of the guard.

I would have liked the rituals that some communities have around death and bereavement. I wish that we still wore black armbands to let others know that we are in mourning I could not deal with other peoples problems when I was grieving let alone other people and their aggression eg road rage incidents. I think you feel very vulnerable following the death of a loved parent. It’s as if the top layer of your skin is missing

Days before my dgm died in her 90s she was crying for her mum... 💔