To ask if you ever get over a parents death

[freezingone]

My DM has a terminal diagnosis and amongst the million thoughts flying round my head is all these/ you people in the world who's parents have already died.. are they/you ok? Have they/you got over it? Do you eventually get over it? I'm so full of fear that it's going to fundamentally change me as a person forever & not for the better.. yet of course we all must go through it- some younger than others. I'm in my early 50s- kids pretty grown up, so I'm well aware of how lucky I am in the sense I won't be 'missing out' on any of those poignant moments we want our mums around for, yet I can't imagine her not being around ever again.. does time really heal such a loss?? (Indeed any major loss, can't even begin to switch this to the loss of a child)

I lost my father as a child, and at that time had no support, therapy, pastoral care at school. My mum was in too much shock to know how to help me and back then children's MH support was pretty non existent. Sad to say I never got over that. 30 plus years later. But I have experienced bereavement so know that when my mum passes it won't be that bad. She's in her 80s and we're so close, but I've come to terms with the fact that she will go. But it won't be a shock, like it was before. Relish in every moment and memory of your lovely mum. The pain is deep, but the burden does decrease.

This is exactly my experience of losing a parent young. I love this explanation. Wise words!

My mum died when I was four - I've accepted that in some ways I will never get over that, obviously that is more complicated (an in my case I had a mix of alternative caregivers who ranged from wonderful (outside family) to abusive/neglectful (family)) and at the time it was never talked about. I don't think I properly started grieving until my twenties.

When I came across the fried egg/Tonkin model of grief that gave me tremendous peace - I didn't have to 'get over it' it is part of me and I can still have a full life.

My dad died when I was 44 and he was 84. That was relief as he had no quality of life at the end. That was five years ago now. I find as time goes on my memories become fonder and I still have the occasional twinge of sadness but that is all. It's nothing like the profound sense of loss that I still very occasionally feel with my mum. Maybe that is because he wasn't always a great dad though.

💐

I lost mum in 2012. You do get over it eventually. I thought I never would but became aware I felt differently a year later, like I was going to survive. It's never the same and even now her presence still feels so strong but life did carry on. I miss her terribly, it's the things I can no longer share with her I miss the most, but I did come to terms with the loss.

My dad died in 2017, just a few days before my 33rd birthday.
He'd been ill in the build-up to it, but in the previous few months had been doing much better, and seemed to be well on the up. Only the month before we'd been in a holiday cottage in Suffolk together.
It was a real shock. He'd gone to bed feeling a bit queasy, but no one thought anything of it, and he simply didn't wake up.

I'd say the first 6 months were properly hard, but once a year had passed, I turned a corner. His anniversary can be challenging, especially as it comes so close to my birthday. I expect this years to be hard, as I'll turn 40, and he would have turned 70 a month after me.

It's weird... In many ways, it feels like he died very recently, and other times it's like it happened decades ago. I still think of him every day for one reason or another.
Not that long ago actually, I asked my mum how often she thought of HER own dad, who died in about 1995, and her response was "hardly ever". That surprised me because I know they were very, very close. But she's a lot more pragmatic than I am.

I remember thinking, that when he died, I'd never feel good again. I'd never laugh, or enjoy anything, but that's simply not true. People who have been there say it gets easier, and you don't believe them, but they are absolutely right. With time, you re-build your life around the loss. You don't get a lot of choice. The practicalities of just living every day help a lot.
I'd say it took about 4-5 years before I could really talk about dad without that sinking, sad feeling, but also putting him up on a golden pedestal. But in the past few years I can think more realistically about him, remembering the good times, and the less good. He was a good man, and tried his absolute best to be a good father. Sadly, he'd been dealt a very rough hand in his early years, which shaped him massively as a person.

It's not something you get over, but it's something that gets easier and less raw

I still have days where I cry and miss my dad and I can also remember the good times and be glad I got him for as long as I did

My brother actually said it's the most painful thing he's ever been through, and he lost his son 10 years before our dad died - for both deaths he was broken and I suspect it's the time that passed that led to the comment, it was comparing old grief that never goes away to fresh raw grief which is so all consuming and unbearable

A wise friend said to me “You don’t get over it, you get used to it”. Sums it up perfectly for me. My parents died six months apart and the world changed for ever. I still miss them a lot but the agony has abated.

You never get over it. You think about them every day. It just hurts less as time goes on.

My dad died 25 years ago when I was 40. He was an amazing man. But he was 81, had led a full and productive life and was riddled with cancer.
I think of him fondly but I don't grieve. I don't remember every birthday, have no idea when he died exactly and his ashes were scattered in a beautiful place.
Life goes on.

I agree. My dad died 45 years ago when I was a teen, my mum 7 years ago. Getting married without my dad there was hard, and my mum had dementia and her last years were not pleasant. Even so memories of them now are happy. They would not want it any other way.

It's entirely dependent on your relationship, imo. My father pissed off with his OW when I was nine. I'm sixty and hadn't seen him in thirty-odd years when he died a couple of years ago. I couldn't care less.

My father died before I had my own children, and my mother died 10 years ago. The pain, for each, at the time was almost crippling, but now gentle little reminders pop into my head most days and that's lovely. In fact, they feature quite frequently in my dreams.

What I do find more painful, even now, is how they missed out on their grandchildren. They would have got so much joy seeing them in everyday life and celebrating milestones with them. This is made more painful by the fact that my ILs really don't GAF about their grandkids.

You don't get over it, you learn to live with it. I lost my parents within 6 months off each other, both in their 80's. At first you wake up and forget they're gone and that's hard but over time, it's been 5 years, you remember the good times. Sometimes unexpected will trigger me, a song, visiting places we went together, especially seeing mothers and daughters together.

I remember up until theirs deaths but the rest of that year is a blur and then covid came along. I get upset at anniversaries, birthdays, seeing Mother and Father's Day cards in shops. I hate now that companies email you to see if you want to opt out off Mother and Father's Day emails, I find that email more upsetting then just normal emails about those days. I now block companies that do this and won't buy from them.

As people have said it depends on your relationship with your folks, how they died, how young they were. I just to think I would never be able to go on without my folks, we were very close but I've surprised myself on how I've coped.

I lost both my parents in my early 30s.

The worst bit I find is nobody will ever love me like my parents did. There is nobody to call for advice and support.

10 years on and I’m o.k. You do just have to get on with it because unfortunately there is no other choice.

My Dad died 4 months ago I’m mid 40s he was late 60s. I’ve definitely changed. I grieved for him for the two years before he died due to the nature of his Illness and the nature of the work I do.

I don’t think I’ll ever recover to be honest

The pain gets less but hits you at random times , I lost my dad 26 years ago and my mum 5 years ago , miss them both every day and have a cry for them both at hard times