To ask if you ever get over a parents death

[freezingone]

My DM has a terminal diagnosis and amongst the million thoughts flying round my head is all these/ you people in the world who's parents have already died.. are they/you ok? Have they/you got over it? Do you eventually get over it? I'm so full of fear that it's going to fundamentally change me as a person forever & not for the better.. yet of course we all must go through it- some younger than others. I'm in my early 50s- kids pretty grown up, so I'm well aware of how lucky I am in the sense I won't be 'missing out' on any of those poignant moments we want our mums around for, yet I can't imagine her not being around ever again.. does time really heal such a loss?? (Indeed any major loss, can't even begin to switch this to the loss of a child)

For me, my Mum's death changed me, in so much as I just don't feel "innocent" anymore. When you're young, and your parents are young, and you haven't been marred by anything tragic, life feels so joyous and carefree. After experiencing grief, the world just feels a bit duller, a bit jaded and you're far more aware that everyone dies and so will you, more so when you see an old face looking back at you in the mirror. Yes, I think whilst I am okay on a daily basis, I don't think I'll ever feel blissfully ignorant again. I don't even know if this will make any sense to anyone?

Hello OP, firstly i'm sorry to hear about your mums terminal diagnosis, i remember that shock feeling well. When i was 20 and my mum was 48, she was diagnosed out of the blue with terminal secondary brain cancer. We only had 2 months from diagnosis when she seemed well but with a few mild tia symptoms, to when she passed away. Its a few months off 13 years since we lost her, and life feels normal now without her here. The first few days it felt like the world had ended, for the first year i expected her to walk into the room at any point. I swear around 5pm when she would normally get home i'd hear the noise of her key in the door, even if i was busy and completely unaware of what time it was. (i was almost completely housebound disabled, living with parents with dad my full time carer) I can't honestly remember how many years it took, but for a long time now its just daily life like usual to not have her here. I'm not sad, i smile when i think of her, and its very rare and only when i'm specifically thinking of the final weeks of her life and how ill she was that i feel upset. It is a shame she never met my wonderful partner, and that she won't be around for any big life events like if i finally move out!, marry or have a child, but my life is happy without her. Of course i love her, miss her and think of her every day, and due to my health issues i was as dependent on her/my parents as much as a child would be when she passed, i wasn't an still am not an independent adult with my own life and home/family who only saw her for visits etc, she was a big part of my everyday life. I don't like to think of it as "getting easier" or "moving on" more that you just adapt and in time it becomes the new normal, as if they're just out/in the other room rather than an overwhelming sense of they're gone forever. I don't know what i believe as far as an afterlife, but whether theres a heaven and i see her again, or theres nothing, i'm at peace. I have wonderful memories of her, she made me who i am, and while i will live far more of my life without her around than i did with her here, shes always with me.

Sorry to hear your situation OP💐The period leading up to a bereavement and then the immediate aftermath is hard, the joy of life is sucked out. It does get easier over time. I lost a parent 5 years ago. The first few weeks / months were hardest obviously, they were ever-present in my thoughts, I would cry on the bus on my commute. Once the mental adjustment was made that I wouldn't see them again (probably took me about a year) it got easier, so I remember them but don't get the jolt that they are no longer here. It's harder for my remaining parent as their life changed more significantly with the loss, whereas my day to day life didn't change much (still busy with work/kids etc.)

Look after yourself @freezingone

That’s so moving. And so true.

After experiencing grief, the world just feels a bit duller, a bit jaded and you're far more aware that everyone dies and so will you, more so when you see an old face looking back at you in the mirror.

I felt like that from a young age. My grandad, dad's dad, who lived with us and I spent a lot of time with, was knocked down and killed when I was 4 years old. He was there and then he wasn't. I was very ill with sepsis and could have died myself when I was 7. My grandmother died suddenly in her early 60s after going into hospital for routine surgery, when I was 11. My best friend's dad died suddenly aged 50 when we were both 16. My uncle died suddenly of a massive heart attack in his mid 40s. My cousin died in a freak accident aged 31. This all happened before I was 25 - and I'm not saying any of this was like losing a parent young or anything like that, or losing a child, god forbid, and I am really lucky to still have my mum, but I think lots of people don't go through a charmed and innocent life not experiencing grief or loss until they lose a parent. I feel like I've always known that life is not to be taken for granted and can be cut terribly short.

@BeachBlondey I totally relate to what you are saying. Once you've experienced the death of someone close you know that the life that you've always known and taken for granted can and will change. You suddenly feel grown up.

Who he was will inform who I am, how I act, how I see the world, how I parent my own child. Maybe it's corny but I actually found it really lovely and think it's true. My dad is part of me. Sometimes I imagine him telling me things, or telling my son a story.

I think this is really what is meant by the concept of eternal life. Yes your Father's physical body is dead, but he is certainly not gone. Human beings are so much more than their physical bodies.

Like everything significant that happens, you grow around it - like a scar, or a knot in a tree, you are altered by it but you go on.

The grief you do "get over" in terms of not actively grieving eventually. For me it took a good year - I was a total wreck that first year - and it was roughly two before I could look back on memories with gratitude and warmth rather than loss.

Now I feel mostly grateful for the manner of her death. Having had friends lose family to covid, dying alone and scared, I can appreciate that whilst hard for those of us still living, her death was a great kindness that came with no pain and a chance to say her goodbyes.

In that first year I did find it hard not to feel rage at my much older FIL, who moans endlessly about how horrible it is being old (and anything else he can think of to moan about - he's your basic Dementor). All I could think was "you got 15 years more than she did, and she deserved them far more than you."

(For the sake of family harmony I kept my rage to myself and avoided FIL whenever possible)

My dads terminal diagnosis terrified me, and right up until the last moment a part of me truly believed that some miracle would happen and everything would go back to normal. Completely ridiculous obviously, but nearly a year later and I still can't quite grasp that he's not here anymore.
I am not the person I was 3 years ago, my outlook on my own life and the people around me has changed, but one day at a time, I am learning to live with it. Sending you lots of love. Be kind to yourself with what's to come. There is no right or wrong x

My mum died 3 years ago quite unexpectedly/quickly in her mid 50’s. I was of course a mess to begin with but felt much better after a few months (still very upset of course but got on with things fine). I’m just now starting to get really upset about it/miss her lots again. I think it’s because my son is just turning 1 and I see the lovely relationship he has with my partners mum (which I’m really happy about) but it makes me sad that my mum will never meet him. It comes and goes, you get used to it but there’s always little things that will bring the sadness back.

I’m so sorry about your mums diagnosis.

I lost my mum 3 years ago when I was 21, it definitley changed me as a person in some good and some bad ways. She never cared what people thought and I've taken that on from her and she had a dark sense of humour that I've noticed more in myself that gets me through.
But it wasn't her time and she won't see me get married and she never got to meet her first grandchildren so there's a hole in my heart that won't ever be replaced and it has made me harder and slightly bitter but hold onto everything special about your mum and it'll get you through the darkest days🌸❤

You just learn to live with it, in my experience.

My dad was diagnosed with dementia and died five years later. He was an empty shell when he died and I was begging the doctors to stop pumping him with antibiotics every time he got an infection. I had done most of my grieving by the time he was gone, in stages. In that way I think it was easier on me than on many people, but I am caught out sometimes at the unfairness. Life isn't fair though

For me it was overshadowed by my ExH telling me literally within weeks that our marriage was over. In my head that period is one dark bundle of sadness.

Such wisdom you have - born out of tragedy. This brings me some comfort.. I often think, all I can do is honour this. You've experienced great loss- as have so many others who've kindly taken time to reply, my utmost condolences to you all & I am so very grateful for you sharing your experiences. Still terrified of what's to come (!) but Thank you xx

@MonkeyMindAllOverAround i hope you don’t mind me asking but what do you mean by a “pause” in your communication? That’s resonated with me following the death of my dad late last year.

My mother died when I was in my twenties. She never met my DH or knew my children.

My father died at a much more 'normal' stage of life for him and me. (over 20 years ago now)

It was horrible both times but yes, I got over it. I think about them, I remember them on special days but I'm not the sort of person who commemorates the day of their deaths. There are no graves to visit. I am sad my DC didn't have a DGM but they loved their DGF although 2 of them were quite young when he died.

I see some people absolutely distraught for a very long time afterwards and I must admit it's not like that for me, even though they were great parents and I loved them dearly.

I lost my mum at 26. This year is the 10 year anniversary. For me it's a loss and a change to your life that you can't describe or understand until you go through it.

I'm not the same as I was 10 years ago. As you age you change, and your grief stays with you, but it's very different to the initial shock and devastation. I call it "my sadness"; randomly, I will think of how much I want to talk to my mum, or it still cuts me to the bone how sad I am she's not here.

But I'm also able to remember now how much of an incredible mum she was, and if I have a child, how I hope to live up to her.

My dad died about 24 years ago and it took ages but it does pass. It's a very gradual process though that you don't really notice happening, it it was in my case anyway

I lost my mum and dad when I was 35.

Truthfully I’m not quite the same person now as I was before. My life feels like two lives. The ‘before’ and the ‘after’.

But I’m ok. Life goes on. Most people find their grief never really goes but it changes. It becomes easier to live with.

Wishing you strength to get through these tough days. 💐

You know… I really don’t know, he had an enormous faith but no affiliation to any church or religion. I feel I may be a bit in the same position.

I often thought I would spend a lot of time talking to him in my mind after he left, but this has not happened. I am just sitting in silence because I don’t “feel” he is around anymore but I keep finding little reminders everywhere about him and what we talked.

I don’t know if this is because I believe we will be reunited again or it is that I am aware that time we had was just what I was meant to have of him. Either way I am grateful, it has been an enormous privilege to have him around for so many years so I am not resenting his parting, it was meant to be and thankfully he spent his last days/weeks as he wanted, with a sharp mind, surrounded by friends and accepting what it was to come with the head high, part of the process and all that as he would say.

My mum died in 2018. Her death was sudden and extremely traumatic for me as I had to attempt CPR, which failed. I don't think I will ever recover properly,

As the years have gone on it does hurt less. The initial 3 months where you're in a grief bubble are very strange, then you leave the bubble and everything hurts, after that it comes in waves and it gets easier. It does still smack me in the face every now and then, and when it does it's awful, but those times are far apart.

I'm sorry about your mum. Sending love and peace.

is DM “Darling Mother”?

I miss my parents every day, and that is natural. One day when visiting my DM in her care home I overheard a woman in her 90s saying she missed her parents.

However, their deaths haven't changed me or negatively impacted my life. They were fortunate to live long lives, and their time had come. It's the natural order of things, and everyone will die eventually. I am grateful that I had them in my life for so long, but I never expected them to be with me forever, so I just got on with my life. I loved them both dearly, and we were close (I'm an only child) but I don't go through life being devastated because they are no longer here.

Similar here. My DM died 35 years ago when I was 21. Yes, you can have a full and rewarding life. Does it still hurt? Yes. I’ve felt it more these last few years than in the previous 20, I think. But day to day I function well. I have found over the years that it has been hard when something has triggered difficult feelings eg if MIL hasn’t bothered much with the DC at a particular point. That’s when I think ‘my mum would have …’.

When I read posts on here about difficult mothers I can thank God I had a wonderful one, if only for 21 years.

I have lost both my parents relatively young.

I liken it to a physical wound healing.

1. At first the pain is unbearable and feels completely raw and agony, every move is painful
2. Then it scabs over and every time it gets knocked (eg you hear a song on the radio or find a belonging of theirs) the scab rips off and pain floods back and you feel it wont ever end or heal
3. In time, the wound heals but you are left with a scar. Sometimes the scar aches and it reminds you of what you no longer have but it is no longer agony, its just really, really sad and you wish it wasn't there.
4. The scar changes you- you arent same person you were before and it will be there always. However, you can still find immense joy in life and the scar itself doesnt prevent you from living your life and you adapt to it and can still do all the things you did before and laugh and achieve and have fun.
5. When you look at yourself in the mirror you wish it wasn't there, but it is, you arent the "you" that you once were but who you are now is ok. You'll be ok.

I am at number 5 and I am ok. x

I’m in my 40s and have lost both my parents whom I loved dearly and interacted with daily. Our lives were completely intertwined. I miss them so much but it shows how much we loved each other.

You carry them with you - when something happens we will still say dad/mum would have loved that etc.

I have accepted they have gone and I’ll see them again when my time comes. Until then I think of them often but try to do so positively so I may have a few tears but they’re not overwhelming. It is hard but they’ve given me so much to smile about and be grateful for. They made my life richer and it would be a disservice to them to make their loss an event that overshadowed my future.

Love and best wishes to you.