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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why the teacher brought this up at parents evening?

149 replies

Stringycheeses · 23/03/2023 11:58

My son is 4, so this is his first parents evening. We went last night and it was mostly positive.
Except she said he doesn’t like to sit with the girls and gets very upset if he’s sat next to one. He always wants to be ‘with the boys’.
We’ve never made an issue out of gender or differences, so I have no idea where this had come from.

Also wondering why the teacher brought it up, I know I should have asked at the time, but I felt a bit surprised.

OP posts:
Kranke · 23/03/2023 12:01

Why wouldn’t she have brought it up - I would have been more shocked if she didn’t? Wouldn’t you like to know how your child is doing so you can address any problems? Social skills are equally as important as academic skills - probably more so for a 4yr old.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/03/2023 12:02

Maybe just to make you aware so that you can try to encourage friendships with girls, or something? It doesn't sound like a major issue but I can imagine it's a bit of a pain in the arse for the teacher to manage if he gets really upset when asked to sit next to a girl!

jellyfrizz · 23/03/2023 12:02

So that you are aware and can talk about it at home.

AppleCrumbleIceCreamDream · 23/03/2023 12:02

I'd say she brought it up because its becoming noticeable. You may have not mentioned gender but if your son has noticed it, it may be time to discuss with him why he doesn't want to sit with girls.

My son at 4 would definitely prefer to play with boys rather than girls and everything was "girls things and boys things" but he wouldn't have cried having to sit next to a girl.

Just have a chat with him about why it upsets him. She brought it up so you can deal with it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/03/2023 12:03

Kranke · 23/03/2023 12:01

Why wouldn’t she have brought it up - I would have been more shocked if she didn’t? Wouldn’t you like to know how your child is doing so you can address any problems? Social skills are equally as important as academic skills - probably more so for a 4yr old.

And yes, I agree, this is exactly the kind of thing that I would expect a teacher to raise - any area, really, where the child needs to learn and develop.

NortieTortie · 23/03/2023 12:03

It's fair they brought it up if he's stroppy about sitting next to half of the class :-) I imagine that can be difficult for them to navigate.

Original poster
Stringycheeses · 23/03/2023 12:05

I wasn’t questioning the teacher, maybe I’ve worded it wrong. I guess I’m concerned that they think it’s an issue to raise, if that makes sense.
I asked him why and he said he just doesn’t like to and you just never know, which I don’t quite understand the meaning of and he wouldn’t elaborate.

OP posts:
TheChoiceIsYours · 23/03/2023 12:05

You sound quite defensive which is understandable but it’s absolutely relevant and appropriate to have raised it. As PP’s said, it’s an area of social development which he needs to work on and needs parental support to do so. For all the teacher knows, this could have stemmed from home - they’re not to know!

LolaSmiles · 23/03/2023 12:05

She's probably brought it up because it's not typical for a child to be very upset at the idea of sitting near child of the opposite sex.

Maybe she's hoping you'll be able to talk about it at home and encourage him that it doesn't really matter if he's sat next to a boy or a girl at school.

Surely as a parent you'd want to know if something at school was making your child very upset?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/03/2023 12:09

Stringycheeses · 23/03/2023 12:05

I wasn’t questioning the teacher, maybe I’ve worded it wrong. I guess I’m concerned that they think it’s an issue to raise, if that makes sense.
I asked him why and he said he just doesn’t like to and you just never know, which I don’t quite understand the meaning of and he wouldn’t elaborate.

Well, I think it obviously is an issue. Preferring to play with same sex children is completely normal at that age, but having a meltdown when you have to sit with someone from the opposite sex clearly isn't normal and creates problems for the class as a whole.

I don't think you need to worry about it. I do think you need to try to tackle it.

Chickenly · 23/03/2023 12:14

I think you not mentioning gender at home is the problem. In my experience, you have to actively tell children that girls and boys can play together - or they seem to get very set in the girls v boys mindset.

Of course the teacher should’ve mentioned it and of course it’s an issue. If I were a primary school teacher then I think that probably would’ve been the top of my list to mention - I may not have even waited until Parents’ Evening to let you know.

alyceflowers · 23/03/2023 12:18

She raised it because it's not typical and unwanted behaviour that is causing issues in class. Surely you'd want to be aware so you can address it at home?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/03/2023 12:23

She’s brought it up because it’s an issue. You can have a child in reception dictating who they will and will not sit next to.

Also it’s an issue that needs stamped out; he can’t treat boys and girls differently.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/03/2023 12:23

You *can’t

Monstermoomoo · 23/03/2023 12:27

If it's not something you make an issue of at home, it's presumably something someone has been telling him about at school. We have an issue now in year 2 where one of the girls keeps telling the boys they're disgusting and gross and she doesn't want to work with them. You definitely don't want your son spouting that kind of rubbish in a couple of years time, so definitely best to address it now. My son often comes home and says this particular girl was mean to him again. It's quite heartbreaking;

Pojji · 23/03/2023 12:30

If it helps my son was the opposite- would only play with girls. Only has female friends. Didn't want to sit or play with boys etc. He has Autism and I think he found the boys too boisterous and loud.
Even now he is a teen he has very little to do with his male peers. I think the school are just making sure you are aware to see if you have noticed it and if there is anything they can do to help resolve it as it can cause issues in class.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 23/03/2023 12:31

Of course she should mention it - he doesn't want to join in with half the class!

Rinkydinkydoodle · 23/03/2023 12:36

Stringycheeses · 23/03/2023 12:05

I wasn’t questioning the teacher, maybe I’ve worded it wrong. I guess I’m concerned that they think it’s an issue to raise, if that makes sense.
I asked him why and he said he just doesn’t like to and you just never know, which I don’t quite understand the meaning of and he wouldn’t elaborate.

‘You just never know’

I know this isn’t meant to be a funny post but I don’t know how I’d have kept my face straight at these words coming out of such a tiny person.

My DS got the wrong end of the stick about something one of his GPs said once and as a result he over-reacted unacceptably to something very innocuous at school. It took a while to get to the bottom of it because he was similarly non-forthcoming about the origin of said behaviour but we had to because he really needed to stop doing it for his own sake.

It’s hard when he’s so little. Maybe you could have another word with the teacher and explain you were taken aback and have since tackled this with your wee son but are no further forward about what’s causing it, see what advice they have. Obviously if you knew what it was about you could reason with him but you can’t.

KrisAkabusi · 23/03/2023 12:37

Stringycheeses · 23/03/2023 12:05

I wasn’t questioning the teacher, maybe I’ve worded it wrong. I guess I’m concerned that they think it’s an issue to raise, if that makes sense.
I asked him why and he said he just doesn’t like to and you just never know, which I don’t quite understand the meaning of and he wouldn’t elaborate.

Of course its an issue if he's refusing to interact with half the population. I don't understand your AIBU. Why do you think she wouldn't tell you he's doing something atypical?

user1492757084 · 23/03/2023 12:38

He is only 4. He feels more comfortable with kids like himself.
Does he have a sister?
Teachers should give as much information about children to their parents. You child will get used to sitting with those who are not his best friends.

SnarkyBag · 23/03/2023 12:45

Agree with others it is an issue so why would she not raise it?

LuckyDipForTheEuro · 23/03/2023 12:45

I think it was more of an observation than a criticism and I wouldn't give it much thought - he's only little and is just getting used to being in a school setting with more rules and more children than nursery etc. I'm sure plenty of little girls prefer sitting with girls and might be upset if they had to sit with some boys.

Mariposista · 23/03/2023 12:47

Because it is a key part of your child's social development. At 4 this doesn't need to be a big issue, he has time to work on this, but he needs to show empathy towards children of both genders.

CustardySergeant · 23/03/2023 12:55

Stringycheeses "I asked him why and he said he just doesn’t like to and you just never know, which I don’t quite understand the meaning of and he wouldn’t elaborate."

What a pity that he wouldn't elaborate on what he means by "You just never know" because if you could get to the bottom of that remark you may be able to 'solve' the issue if him not wanting to sit next to girls. If you can't think of anything he would've heard at home, you could ask the teacher whether something has been discussed at school which he may have misunderstood or be worried about.

Fraaahnces · 23/03/2023 12:56

”I don’t know…. Do you think he watches too many Andrew Tate videos on YouTube? He’s four… he doesn’t want girl germs!”