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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why the teacher brought this up at parents evening?

149 replies

Stringycheeses · 23/03/2023 11:58

My son is 4, so this is his first parents evening. We went last night and it was mostly positive.
Except she said he doesn’t like to sit with the girls and gets very upset if he’s sat next to one. He always wants to be ‘with the boys’.
We’ve never made an issue out of gender or differences, so I have no idea where this had come from.

Also wondering why the teacher brought it up, I know I should have asked at the time, but I felt a bit surprised.

OP posts:
Lovingmynewbicycle · 23/03/2023 14:31

Outnumbered99 · 23/03/2023 13:57

From your update i would be very interested in what he has heard from grandma and grandpa

Indeed

LookItsMeAgain · 23/03/2023 14:32

BaconMassive · 23/03/2023 13:40

Someone has given him these ideas, he hasn't just thought it up on his own.

100% this.

Someone said something or he overheard something, put 2 and 2 together and got 58 or something.
Time to sit your DS down and have a chat with him. Why would he think that getting a temporary tattoo would make his grandparents think he was a girl? Who said such things?
Let him lead the conversation but have a few questions that are open for him to answer.
Tell him there is no wrong or right answer, you are just having a chat.

You need to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to sit beside girls.

I wonder if it's all of the girls or just one of them? Perhaps one of the boys in his class made a comment and he's taken the comment to heart, something completely innocuous to us but to a kid would mean the whole world. His brain is probably working overtime to sort it out the only way he knows how. I'm picturing a scene where the teacher has allocated seating and your DS is the only boy sitting at the table with a load of girls. One of the other boys says "Oh, look. David is sitting at the table with all the girls. David's a girl now" (no idea of your son's name). If that happened, maybe he thinks he's a girl because he doesn't understand that's not how it happens 😉

NoParticularPattern · 23/03/2023 14:33

From your last post I would put money on grandma and grandpa being the root of the issue here. Sounds to me like they’ve said something about not knowing whether someone is a boy or a girl nowadays alongside some derogatory comment about turning into girls etc. it likely wasn’t even aimed at your child, but certainly sounds like he’s at least overheard something that has made him think he could spontaneously turn into a girl and that grandma and grandpa would be cross

Baconking · 23/03/2023 14:35

Did your DS go to nursery?

Does he have any girl friends outside of school?

PeekAtYou · 23/03/2023 14:39

I would see it as a good thing that the teacher mentioned this. He'll be in the school for 7 years and wouldn't want to develop a reputation for being mean because he is rude towards girls. The longer he does this, the harder it will be to shake off a reputation for being sexist or rude.

School (especially the younger years ) can be very rigid in terms of stereotypes. Children start being exposed to things being for girls/boys etc While it's not uncommon to prefer being with the same sex, your son does need telling that it's not ok to act like that.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 23/03/2023 14:39

His reaction to getting a temporary tattoo, and what his grandparents might think of it, would be a red flag to me coupled with his behaviour at school.

It's definitely worth exploring what is influencing his thought patterns before he gets too fixated on restrictive gender stereotypes.

JoyBeorge · 23/03/2023 14:39

At least you'll know what to expect when he grows up and it isn't girls he brings home to meet his parents 😉

SavBlancTonight · 23/03/2023 14:51

The teacher is flagging an issue. And it is an issue. it's not normal or healthy for a 4 year old to be this anti girls or this afraid of appearing like a girl. So there's something going on and it's up to you as his parent to try help figure it out.

I'd be worried that grandparents or other family members are making comments to him and think about addressing those.

Lalalalalaaaa · 23/03/2023 14:52

OP can I just say that whilst most people are saying this is really unusual and you do need to work on it (and I agree), you absolutely can work on it with him and it's actually a real positive that the teacher has told you so you can. Sometimes kids get odd notions in their heads.

Just wanted to say that as I know if I'd had those responses when my DC were that age I'd have been panicking that somehow I'd raised a monster and their entire lives were now doomed :) Maybe you're not worried but just in case - he's a normal kid who has somehow got a weird notion in his head and you just need to discuss it with him and work out why he's reacting like this, which will hopefully allow you to counter whatever he's worried about.

Bookworm20 · 23/03/2023 15:05

Its actually a good thing the teacher brought it up. it must be enough of a problem for her to notice this is pretty consistent. Add in your comment about the tattoo and my bet is someone has said something to him about being a girl or acting like a girl and in a negative way as though its a bad thing.

And also ties in with his comment about 'you never know'. He perhaps has some notion that sitting next to girls will turn him into one.

I think a good chat is in order to set a few things straight as he has cottened onto something and got it completely topsy turvey.

Young kids are told all sorts of things as as adults we think nothing of it. I remember being told once as a young child that swallowing an apple pip would make a tree grow in my tummy. Right after i'd swallowed an apple pip. It was a comment in jest from an elderly relative, but for the next few months I honestly was scared stiff I'd have a tree growing in me and prompty avoided apples at all cost.

I imagine its something similar and its stuck in his brain as a negative thing. he likes being a boy and doesn't want to be a girl, thats all. I'd also try and find out who said something like that to him, as its definitely not something he is going to have randomly come up with on his own.

emptythelitterbox · 23/03/2023 15:09

Grandma and grandpa shaming him is the most likely answer.

Daffodilfrog · 23/03/2023 15:20

The phrase he used is very mature - who does he have access to - Grandparents / friends / neighbours who might use such a phrase ?

I would let the teacher know what he’s said and make sure he knows he needs to sit where asked

MysteryBelle · 23/03/2023 15:28

He probably wants to sit with his friends. Very understandable.

His comment ‘you never know’…he may have seen a tv show where a boy sat next to a girl and she flicked his ear or something silly.

My son at 3 began wearing a jacket to preschool every day even when it was very hot. Finally found out his teacher had admonished him back in the winter for not wearing a heavy jacket to school. So he thought he had to wear one all the time LOL

Confrontayshunme · 23/03/2023 15:31

On a 30 square rug, your child will sit with between 3 and 9 children. Placing children is already a minefield, and his teacher can't put up to half of the boys in a class next to your child just because he screams at sitting by a girl.

whattodo1975 · 23/03/2023 15:34

Has your son been watching too many Andrew Tate videos maybe ?

Seriously though this is type of thing teachers in reception are right to bring up at parents evening, given the year is very much about the kids and how they intergrate, build relationships etc. She isnt bringing it up as a bad thing, its just something for you to be aware of.

Twillow · 23/03/2023 15:36

Stringycheeses · 23/03/2023 13:33

Maybe he did think he was going to turn into a girl or something. As I’ve just remembered another incident, he was given a kids tattoo at a summer fair on his hand, when he realised it was a unicorn, we went to his grandparents and he ran upstairs hiding his hand, washed it off quickly and said “I don’t want grandma and grandpa to think I’m a girl!”

Oh dear OP. He has obviously assimilated a strange idea at some point. Have any of your family been discussing trans politics etc - little pitchers etc. Maybe even something fellow schoolmates have said. Hope you plan to have a big conversation with him to address this misconception.

MysteryBelle · 23/03/2023 15:37

I believe you’re overthinking this. The reason he was concerned what grandma and grandpa would think may be because that’s whose house he was at when he realized the tattoo was a unicorn. That doesn’t mean he subconsciously wants to be a girl. In fact, look at your own communications with your son. Did you encourage him to get the unicorn tattoo, which then made him confused, wondering if his mother thinks of him as a daughter instead of a son? See all the possibilities? Children are very influenced by comments made by other children or grownups including manipulative adults and predators. I’d make sure you aren’t the one confusing him, then I’d look into the other adults around him including grandparents, neighbors, family members, teachers. Could be another child who said something, like he’d get cooties if he sat next to a girl. It’s the most common thing in the world. Surely you’ve heard of that scenario.

MMMarmite · 23/03/2023 15:51

I'm intrigued by "you just never know". Maybe, as you say, he thinks he'll become a girl. Or thinks girls are dangerous to him in someway?

I hope you can get to the bottom of it!

Panama2 · 23/03/2023 15:54

It could easily be something one of the children has said. My eldest son after his first day at school refused to eat peas (he always did before). Hasn’t eaten a pea since thirty odd years later

MMMarmite · 23/03/2023 16:01

Panama2 · 23/03/2023 15:54

It could easily be something one of the children has said. My eldest son after his first day at school refused to eat peas (he always did before). Hasn’t eaten a pea since thirty odd years later

As a child I had a nightmare about a cheese and pickle sandwich. I then wouldn't eat them for years.

Floralnomad · 23/03/2023 16:01

BaconMassive · 23/03/2023 13:40

Someone has given him these ideas, he hasn't just thought it up on his own.

This exactly, he’s getting this crap from somewhere . What did you say to him after the tattoo incident

Namechange224422 · 23/03/2023 16:07

Slightly left field question but you’re not pregnant are you? Or someone you’re close to? Lots of people make silly jokes to children about special hugs, babies being made by a girl and a boy etc which he could have misinterpreted.

Or the possibility that people might think he’s a girl by accident or that he might actually turn into a girl seems like other likely confusions.

I think I’d have some science based conversations for a few weeks. What is dna? How are babies made (highlighting grownups only!) ? How do you tell if a baby is a boy or a girl? What things can girls do or boys do. Look at some women footballers, male dancers etc. See if anything comes up in conversation that sounds odd.

Climbles · 23/03/2023 16:07

Lots of kids, go through a super traditional gendered phase at this age. It’s all glitter and princesses or dinosaurs and fighting. Just keep giving him the message, that boys can do anything they want and highlight alternative role models.
For the posters asking, ‘where is he getting this from?’ It’s society, it’s cartoons, television programmes, clothes, magazines, adverts, YouTube, toys, book, his mates at school, it’s absolutely everywhere.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/03/2023 16:12

Lots of kids, go through a super traditional gendered phase at this age. It’s all glitter and princesses or dinosaurs and fighting. Mainly because these are the things they are offered. There were no princesses and glitter when I was the age (1959) or when my daughter was that age (1985). As a teacher I was always firm that all the resources were for everyone and had plenty of glitter loving boys and dinosaur loving girls.

HateLongCovid · 23/03/2023 16:19

IndianaJoanna · 23/03/2023 13:51

Making issues where there are none to be had and at only 4 years of age is pathetic. So he has a preference to sit with boys. Who stuffing well cares? Children change as they mature. Not everything needs to be made into some sort of issue that "needs addressing".

I agree. Aren't a lot of boys like this? Girls too? Why do we have to micro analyse everything they do? My son is much older and would still prefer to sit with boys. He still likes girls, and gets on well with them, especially some he deems especially pretty.