Page 13 | To think that DH is selfish over my jury service?

SeekChase · 2023-03-23T08:14:37+00:00

Hi Ladies... So, around 2 months ago I was sent a Jury Summons. As I am a mum to 2 small (1&4) children, and with the Jury Service being set for first week or half term ( no preschool), I tried to get out of it, but to no avail. I do understand that they always invite a surplus of potential Jury candidates and there is a chance of getting out on the day... However, I did give my DH plenty of notice (he is a roofer) and asked that he takes that week to 10 days off to look after the kids (I am normally the stay at home mum) - while I do the Jury Service IF I can't get out of it. HE AGREED. Well, last night, bearing in mind I have a week or so before the Jury service starts, he told me he wants to work and its tough. He said I'll have to not go. I said I can get fined £1000 for not showing up, he said "yes it's stupid isn't it" - but won't budge. I have family but they are actually going away on a prearranged holiday, my DH said they will have to cancel and its not his problem. I am fuming. AIBU?

IAmTheWalrus85 · 23/03/2023 19:54

OP I’ve read all your posts but I still don’t get it - does he not understand that if you don’t show up you’ll get a hefty fine and a criminal conviction? Or does he understand but not give a shit because it’s your problem?

If it’s the latter are you sure this is the kind of man you want to be dependent on for money?

Kennykenkencat · 23/03/2023 20:28

IAmTheWalrus85 · 23/03/2023 19:54

OP I’ve read all your posts but I still don’t get it - does he not understand that if you don’t show up you’ll get a hefty fine and a criminal conviction? Or does he understand but not give a shit because it’s your problem?

If it’s the latter are you sure this is the kind of man you want to be dependent on for money?

I think he thinks that it is op’s problem but as a SAHM with a joint account it becomes his problem when she has to pay the fine from the joint account.

If op gets carted off to prison. I think he won’t be too concerned as I think his outlook is that his wife got 6 months but they don’t mean it or he expects the prison service to release her each day so she can look after the children whilst he is at work,

He already thinks that there will be no fine.

SleepyRich · 23/03/2023 22:49

I don't understand why you they wouldn't let you out of it... I've been asked twice now and on both occasions I've just explained I wasn't able to attend due to combination of work, childcare and study commitments and they've cancelled it for me. I wonder if they view someone who's technically not employed as not being allowed a valid excuse, where as it's usually much easier to take time off work then it is to arrange 2 weeks of childcare!!

whatevrrrr · 23/03/2023 23:08

Itsbytheby · 23/03/2023 18:02

This is another thing. People imagine you are sitting through murders, drug offences and rapes and what nots. When you are sitting through a 14 day trial on financial fraud with 8 folders of evidence, how many of the jury do you think (1) really understand the detail (and often the devil is in the detail with these things) and (2) aren't bored out of their heads with it. Again, that's not looking down on the jurors, but it is often really complicated and it is often very boring.

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God, absolutely. I don't want to sit through a rape trial for various reasons. I don't want to sit through a financial fraud trial because I just couldn't be bothered with the minutiae. And I'm not thick (I have a PhD, gained 30 years ago, so not one that I bought on the internet) - but I still couldn't summon up the intellectual wherewithal to care about financial fraud for example. I'd think, "meh, whatever". Whereas if someone were being tried for the misuse of an apostrophe, I'd be 100% engaged. Which rather proves that the jury system is not a good one.

Original poster

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:06

I telephoned the courts yesterday and the automated message said any excuses need to be in writing giving the reasons. I've explained the situation and am waiting to hear back.
I double checked with "him" if he was still refusing to have the children, and he said that he might be able to have them if the weather is crap and he can't work. I tried to argue my point to which he said "oh I don't know, let's just see" and went to walk out the door. I followed him to the door and said I can't take let's just see as an answer, there have to be arrangements in place. I explained the fine, he said "just take the fine" and sniggered. He then saw a neighbour outside and started to chatting to him in am overly friendly way and laughing with him. I think I married a psychopath.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 24/03/2023 09:07

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:06

I telephoned the courts yesterday and the automated message said any excuses need to be in writing giving the reasons. I've explained the situation and am waiting to hear back.
I double checked with "him" if he was still refusing to have the children, and he said that he might be able to have them if the weather is crap and he can't work. I tried to argue my point to which he said "oh I don't know, let's just see" and went to walk out the door. I followed him to the door and said I can't take let's just see as an answer, there have to be arrangements in place. I explained the fine, he said "just take the fine" and sniggered. He then saw a neighbour outside and started to chatting to him in am overly friendly way and laughing with him. I think I married a psychopath.

LTB LTB LTB

MMMarmite · 24/03/2023 09:08

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:06

I telephoned the courts yesterday and the automated message said any excuses need to be in writing giving the reasons. I've explained the situation and am waiting to hear back.
I double checked with "him" if he was still refusing to have the children, and he said that he might be able to have them if the weather is crap and he can't work. I tried to argue my point to which he said "oh I don't know, let's just see" and went to walk out the door. I followed him to the door and said I can't take let's just see as an answer, there have to be arrangements in place. I explained the fine, he said "just take the fine" and sniggered. He then saw a neighbour outside and started to chatting to him in am overly friendly way and laughing with him. I think I married a psychopath.

I'm so sorry.

jigsaw234 · 24/03/2023 09:12

For goodness sake woman, grow a spine. Leave the house and leave him with the kids. If you think he'll kick off, book a room in a hotel for a week and leave him to it. Use the time to make sure you have your own access to money etc.......

User4891 · 24/03/2023 09:13

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:06

I telephoned the courts yesterday and the automated message said any excuses need to be in writing giving the reasons. I've explained the situation and am waiting to hear back.
I double checked with "him" if he was still refusing to have the children, and he said that he might be able to have them if the weather is crap and he can't work. I tried to argue my point to which he said "oh I don't know, let's just see" and went to walk out the door. I followed him to the door and said I can't take let's just see as an answer, there have to be arrangements in place. I explained the fine, he said "just take the fine" and sniggered. He then saw a neighbour outside and started to chatting to him in am overly friendly way and laughing with him. I think I married a psychopath.

OP I what exactly are you getting out of being with this piece of shit?

BadNomad · 24/03/2023 09:15

Does he realise it's not just a fine, it's a criminal offence, which could have consequences for you both in the future if you have to declare it?

isitjustmey · 24/03/2023 09:18

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:06

I telephoned the courts yesterday and the automated message said any excuses need to be in writing giving the reasons. I've explained the situation and am waiting to hear back.
I double checked with "him" if he was still refusing to have the children, and he said that he might be able to have them if the weather is crap and he can't work. I tried to argue my point to which he said "oh I don't know, let's just see" and went to walk out the door. I followed him to the door and said I can't take let's just see as an answer, there have to be arrangements in place. I explained the fine, he said "just take the fine" and sniggered. He then saw a neighbour outside and started to chatting to him in am overly friendly way and laughing with him. I think I married a psychopath.

He's a strange man.

OP like I said yesterday, wake up early, get dressed, go to court (even if it means you being there a bit too early)

Leave him with the kids. He can sort it out.

Original poster

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:23

jigsaw234 · 24/03/2023 09:12

For goodness sake woman, grow a spine. Leave the house and leave him with the kids. If you think he'll kick off, book a room in a hotel for a week and leave him to it. Use the time to make sure you have your own access to money etc.......

I have grown a spine. I've taken this situation over the last few days as the last straw as I did quote in an earlier comment. Things habe been escalating over the past few months and this is it now. I recognise now that I am in a controlling relationship, that as you know, starts off really nice and then gradually red flags begin to arise, this is the major red flag for me. I am going to register with my local housing authority and get myself a house. My parents have already said they will help me leave. So I've made up my mind. I can't stand the sight of him.
He is at work now, I'm taking the kids to ky parents house, they said I can stay there until I get somewhere, luckily they have 2 spare rooms.

OP posts:

jigsaw234 · 24/03/2023 09:25

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:23

I have grown a spine. I've taken this situation over the last few days as the last straw as I did quote in an earlier comment. Things habe been escalating over the past few months and this is it now. I recognise now that I am in a controlling relationship, that as you know, starts off really nice and then gradually red flags begin to arise, this is the major red flag for me. I am going to register with my local housing authority and get myself a house. My parents have already said they will help me leave. So I've made up my mind. I can't stand the sight of him.
He is at work now, I'm taking the kids to ky parents house, they said I can stay there until I get somewhere, luckily they have 2 spare rooms.

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well done and good luck

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 24/03/2023 09:32

Wow @SeekChase you rock! All the very best of luck - well done! x

ObamaLlamas · 24/03/2023 09:32

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:23

I have grown a spine. I've taken this situation over the last few days as the last straw as I did quote in an earlier comment. Things habe been escalating over the past few months and this is it now. I recognise now that I am in a controlling relationship, that as you know, starts off really nice and then gradually red flags begin to arise, this is the major red flag for me. I am going to register with my local housing authority and get myself a house. My parents have already said they will help me leave. So I've made up my mind. I can't stand the sight of him.
He is at work now, I'm taking the kids to ky parents house, they said I can stay there until I get somewhere, luckily they have 2 spare rooms.

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Oh wow this really escalated. I really hope you have all your financial ducks in a row since you're a SAHM. Good luck OP.

isitjustmey · 24/03/2023 09:37

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:23

I have grown a spine. I've taken this situation over the last few days as the last straw as I did quote in an earlier comment. Things habe been escalating over the past few months and this is it now. I recognise now that I am in a controlling relationship, that as you know, starts off really nice and then gradually red flags begin to arise, this is the major red flag for me. I am going to register with my local housing authority and get myself a house. My parents have already said they will help me leave. So I've made up my mind. I can't stand the sight of him.
He is at work now, I'm taking the kids to ky parents house, they said I can stay there until I get somewhere, luckily they have 2 spare rooms.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry OP. But I'm not sorry that you're leaving him. It's just a shite situation to be in. You'll be better off

Original poster

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:40

Pre-kids, I was a high flyer, and I have a degree, so I am not worried about getting a half decent job.

OP posts:

Original poster

SeekChase · 24/03/2023 09:42

I still don't know if I'm off the hook with jury though. Still stressed about that, but let's see.

OP posts:

Newnamefor2021 · 24/03/2023 09:44

Good for you OP. Can your parents have the children?

MMMarmite · 24/03/2023 09:47

Well done OP. Sending strength. I'm so sorry it's come to this.

MattDamon · 24/03/2023 09:57

Proud of you. You deserve better. 💐

CiaoTutti · 24/03/2023 09:59

Sorry you are in this situation.

On the jury service side - you can also try calling the Jury Service Summoning Bureau which is the central number. They may be able to help in deferring the place for you for now. I found them very accommodating when I needed to defer.

www.gov.uk/reply-jury-summons

CleaningOutMyCloset · 24/03/2023 09:59

Well done for going to your parents, I'd suggest you stay there. Is there any chance they could help with the dc during your jury service ?

Comefromaway · 24/03/2023 10:25

OP said her family are going to be away on holiday so I assume that means her parents.

ImAvingOops · 24/03/2023 10:32

If the jury service write back to you, you won't know if the letter goes to your marital house. You need to actually speak to someone and make sure any correspondence goes to your parents house.

Well done for getting out - in your shoes I'd transfer all the money from the joint account too. Fuck him - he can earn more, since he hasn't got kids to look after!

As an aside, MN is very critical of sahm, but is very quick to offer our services as back up childcare!