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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH is selfish over my jury service?

470 replies

SeekChase · 23/03/2023 08:14

Hi Ladies...
So, around 2 months ago I was sent a Jury Summons. As I am a mum to 2 small (1&4) children, and with the Jury Service being set for first week or half term ( no preschool), I tried to get out of it, but to no avail. I do understand that they always invite a surplus of potential Jury candidates and there is a chance of getting out on the day...
However, I did give my DH plenty of notice (he is a roofer) and asked that he takes that week to 10 days off to look after the kids (I am normally the stay at home mum) - while I do the Jury Service IF I can't get out of it.

HE AGREED.
Well, last night, bearing in mind I have a week or so before the Jury service starts, he told me he wants to work and its tough. He said I'll have to not go. I said I can get fined £1000 for not showing up, he said "yes it's stupid isn't it" - but won't budge.
I have family but they are actually going away on a prearranged holiday, my DH said they will have to cancel and its not his problem. I am fuming. AIBU?

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 23/03/2023 12:32

I've deferred twice in the last 6 months. First time I had a breast screening appointment to check a lump, second time I could t get care for my autistic child. If you defer then they note you will get another request for jury service within 6 months

Kennykenkencat · 23/03/2023 12:34

Itsneverwhatitseems · 23/03/2023 12:15

You need to ring the courts number on the letter and explain the situation.
Just tell it how it is, ie your db agreed to take time off work and now he refuses to do so. then put it in writing in an email.
If you can’t get childcare there’s not a lot they can do.
Yes your dh is being a complete twat

Given according to pp they pay for childcare I don’t think that is an excuse.

OP I think you need to arrange an agency or nursery placement and explain it could be just for one day or 10 days etc
Because it is jury duty.

And I would pay for it initially from the joint account.

Long term I would be looking to divorce your Dh and going for 50/50 custody and him doing only 1 weekend day not both.

Your Dh hasn’t thought about the effects of his words and actions could end up having on him

Divorce would be vastly more costly to him and so much more restrictive

AllyArty · 23/03/2023 12:43

He should support you and take the time off. Is he prepared to pay the fine, if imposed?

kitsuneghost · 23/03/2023 12:54

What usually happens if someone has no childcare?
Is there a creche or something?
This has got to have happened before so surely there is provisions

Tellyaddict123 · 23/03/2023 12:58

Slightly off topic:

For the first 10 days of jury service, you can claim up to:£64.95 a day if you spend more than 4 hours at court
£32.47 a day if you spend 4 hours or less at court

How is that suppose to cover nursery costs? Esp with two children? Not including the issue of finding a nursery or childminder with ad hoc spaces?

Itsneverwhatitseems · 23/03/2023 13:02

According to a previous thread on this subject people have been excused for not having any childcare.
Especially as it’s extremely difficult finding a nursery just for a short, and unspecified, period of time.
However.
The problem is that your dh exists and can look after his own children.
Its still, however worth calling.

Im not sure leaving early in the morning before dh will work. He ll just leave even earlier the next day. Then you’ll be stuck with kids in tow to the courts.

Oigetoffmylawn · 23/03/2023 13:02

I don't suppose you are breastfeeding are you? I was when I was summoned and I told them they had to provide a private room for me to pump in (they do have to, by law) and a fridge, it got to a week before (they refused a deferral) and they eventually had to conceded they couldn't fulfil the requirement and let me off. I wasn't trying to be difficult, but my boobs would have exploded with a full day of no feeding!

Runningonjammiedodgers · 23/03/2023 13:04

Continue to tell your DH he will be looking after the children that week, remind him, challenge him, make it perfectly clear the situation has not changed and he will be taking care of them as agreed. Then ask the family members who are going on holiday if you can stay at their house for a few days when they are away. Leave the night before Jury service, stay at your relatives, and don't come home till you finish jury service.

He needs to look after his children. His attitude is not ok. I would also be questioning the point of him.

Itsneverwhatitseems · 23/03/2023 13:05

Oigetoffmylawn · 23/03/2023 13:02

I don't suppose you are breastfeeding are you? I was when I was summoned and I told them they had to provide a private room for me to pump in (they do have to, by law) and a fridge, it got to a week before (they refused a deferral) and they eventually had to conceded they couldn't fulfil the requirement and let me off. I wasn't trying to be difficult, but my boobs would have exploded with a full day of no feeding!

They offered me a room to pump in too. But with twins I’d have to pump all day with the mechanical machine the hospital leant me.
Needless to say they caved in and let me off. I did offer to just bring them both with me though 🤣

NashvilleQueen · 23/03/2023 13:05

I think I would try again on a deferral/exemption because if you end up on a trial it could last weeks or months (even tho the letter will have referred to two weeks) and what will you do then?

Separately you need to sort out the absolute lack of support from your husband. He's a waste of space and clearly thinks that his children are not for him to have to sort out.

Shoemadlady · 23/03/2023 13:07

That's his choice. Don't go and as he's being a dick he'll have to pay the fine!

Hodge00079 · 23/03/2023 13:07

I really don’t understand people who won’t look after their own kids. May be some exceptions but takes two. Why should it fall on just one.

I wonder if he had any intention of looking after the kids. I suspect probably not.

I hope he doesn’t wriggle out of it by saying not his problem.

Why should your family miss out on holiday because a father can’t/won’t look after their own kids.

If he is willing to let you get into trouble with the law/face fine he has zero respect for you.

User4891 · 23/03/2023 13:13

Shoemadlady · 23/03/2023 13:07

That's his choice. Don't go and as he's being a dick he'll have to pay the fine!

It isn't just a fine it's a criminal prosecution and in theory a prison sentence. I thought this was common knowledge but apparently not according to half of the posts on here ...

Naunet · 23/03/2023 13:13

Blossomtoes · 23/03/2023 11:13

But women of young children have real and valuable experiences and perspectives that can affect the outcome of a trial

Of course they do but there will always be willing women in that position to give that perspective without coercing someone whose circumstances find it difficult. Nobody should be coerced into doing jury service.

Its not coercion, it’s a duty to your country for god sake, but god forbid we’re expected to give anything back 🙄

DriftingDora · 23/03/2023 13:20

Heck, if he's that much of an idiot you need to let us know who he works for ......and we'll avoid them like the plague 🙄

bigbluebus · 23/03/2023 13:22

Just out of interest, if the OP managed to book childcare and she was then stood down for Jury duty would they still pay the childcare allowance even though she no longer needed childcare?

I was called for jury service in Feb 2020 but never actually got to attend. I had 'holding' texts for the 1st 2 days and was completely stood down on the 3rd day - so I never even left the house! I had no DCs requiring care but if I'd booked paid childcare for 2 weeks they'd have still wanted paying.

Ponoka7 · 23/03/2023 13:35

pinkyredrose · 23/03/2023 09:51

They need a cross section of society, that's the point.

Show quote history

There are enough parents of young children who could do jury duty without it impacting on holiday leave or finances. Don't we all now declare that we are individuals within these groups and there's no such thing as a hive mind? We all differ socially, politically, financially, religion wise etc etc. It's an outdated system and juries have never done women in rape/DV etc trials any favours.

notforonesecond · 23/03/2023 13:43

I know there’s a decent chance this is the only bloke you’ve ever been married to so…nothing about the way he speaks to you, treats you or clearly feels about your relationship sounds like a husband to me.

My husband is my partner, we solve problems together and he wants to help me. He wants to spend time with his children and would immediately be looking for a solution in this situation.

Your husband is not a good man.

Leave early for your jury service and leave him to it. What a prick.

Shoxfordian · 23/03/2023 14:30

He’s not on your team at all op; think about whether this is really what you want

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 23/03/2023 14:48

@Ponoka7

Ok, say we revise the system. Who gets to opt-out and how do you check on this?

The problem is that once you take away the default expectation that everyone called needs to attend, it's very likely that expectations will drop much lower than planned and mean that juries are up of people who want to be on them.

If we assume that willing jurors are similar to voters then we would see a significant bias towards older white people who are relatively financially secure.

How exactly would that be progress? Who does it benefit?

Newestname002 · 23/03/2023 14:51

@SeekChase

If you haven't already I suggest you get back to whoever summoned you to jury service and ask for a deferral. Explain your childcare has fallen through and explain what you've already tried. Email ASAP and follow up with a phone call. If/when you speak to someone ensure you have their full name in case you need that later. 🌹

PrettyMaybug · 23/03/2023 16:38

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 23/03/2023 12:11

Thanks for getting a man to validate what we're thinking. I'm never sure of my position until a man I've never met agrees with me.

Show quote history

😆 LOLOLOLOL!!! We can all sleep peacefully tonight, knowing that at least SOME of da menz agree with us.

PrettyMaybug · 23/03/2023 16:54

@Anotherturnipforthebooks

When I was on jury service the people who were excited about being there were the most unfit to serve.

@YearsOfStagnation

Yes I agree with that. The few people who I know who get excited and want to do it over and over again are quite prejudiced and certainly not my first choice of neutral juror.

Yeah this. I can never understand people who get 'quite excited' at the idea of doing jury service. It will surely be either.

a) ... as boring as fuck.

or

b) ... grim and disturbing, and possibly traumatising/upsetting.

I have never been called up, and never will. I won't say why. But I am SO glad. I would HATE to do it.

I imagine the people saying they would LOVE to do it, and find the thought of it 'exciting,' to be exactly like Norris Cole or Blanche Hunt from Coronation Street. (Proper busybodies, and gossips, who will probably decide someone is guilty just by looking at them, and will judge them instantly if they come from a 'rough' area.) Wink

YearsOfStagnation · 23/03/2023 16:57

PrettyMaybug · 23/03/2023 16:54

@Anotherturnipforthebooks

When I was on jury service the people who were excited about being there were the most unfit to serve.

@YearsOfStagnation

Yes I agree with that. The few people who I know who get excited and want to do it over and over again are quite prejudiced and certainly not my first choice of neutral juror.

Yeah this. I can never understand people who get 'quite excited' at the idea of doing jury service. It will surely be either.

a) ... as boring as fuck.

or

b) ... grim and disturbing, and possibly traumatising/upsetting.

I have never been called up, and never will. I won't say why. But I am SO glad. I would HATE to do it.

I imagine the people saying they would LOVE to do it, and find the thought of it 'exciting,' to be exactly like Norris Cole or Blanche Hunt from Coronation Street. (Proper busybodies, and gossips, who will probably decide someone is guilty just by looking at them, and will judge them instantly if they come from a 'rough' area.) Wink

Yes. That’s exactly it. The ones I know are retired busybodies and full of black and white views on people.

I hope I never get called. I would do it of course but have no burning desire at all.

19lottie82 · 23/03/2023 17:20

Is your OH self employed? I understand how difficult it could be for him to take time off.
personally I’d just show up to JD with your two children.