DH thinks friend who has live in nanny is a 'joke'

[princemarry]

I have a close friend who's recently had her second baby and hired a live in nanny/ au pair.

She found having just one child incredibly challenging and decided that this was the right thing for her family.

I think it's great and I'm happy for her.

My DH called her a joke.

I think that says a lot about him. Nothing good.

I think he thinks motherhood is completely killing you self for your family and he didn't feel my friend is doing that, so he thinks she's a joke.

Obviously it's not his place or anyone's to judge, but he did.

What does everyone else think ?

I agree

Well, either she has a nanny or an au-pair. They are entirely different and fulfil completely different roles.

I always had au-pairs when my children were growing up. It's very helpful to have the extra bit of help in the home, especially if, like me, your husband doesn't do a bloody thing in relation to the house and children - he's been my exh for very many years.

However, a qualified nanny is there just for the children, so unless a woman is working outside the home, having a nanny is definitely a huge luxury and very expensive; I suspect that the friend doesn't have a qualified nanny, but an au-pair.

Whatever, if the friend can afford it, why the hell shouldn't she have extra help without being judged as somehow lacking as a woman, - 'a joke', in your husband's words.

Has he ever given birth and then had to look after two small children? Of course he hasn't.

He's a judgemental arse.

👏👏👏

I have been a live in nanny myself, and always was well aware I was just rich people's way of not bothering with their own children.

I have been a live in nanny and have never worked for parents as you describe.

I agree.

It sounds like envy to me. I know a few people who have au pairs or nannies etc. You'd think it would make their lives easier, but most of them complain about how hard it is to find a decent au pair, or worrying what they are or aren't allowed to expect from them etc. Personally I'd rather my DP and I bring our child up together without that sort of outside help, even though we could afford it (just about! but prefer to spend on other things, and work part-time).

Well the Dh has had 2 children and doesn't care for them, do you agree with him that it should just be mums that do the childcare and they should quit moaning

Why do people keep bringing men into this? My point had nothing to do with men, neither is it comparable to driving lessons or other pursuits as a PP suggested, it’s a stupid comparison.

I know personally if I felt I couldn’t cope with one child, the last thing I would think about doing is having another when I can’t manage very well with the one I’ve got. It’s a reasonable point.

You wouldn’t get another dog if you already had one you found difficult to cope with.

Lots of mummy martyrs on here aren’t there?

I outsourced a lot of stuff from the off as I wanted support, I didn’t want to be overwhelmed, I wanted to keep my hand in with my work and because I can.

Having a nanny has been a great addition to our family and hasn’t done anything to damage my relationship with my child. It’s not like he’s presented to me in starched pyjamas for a swift goodnight across the drawing room at bedtime.

If some mothers don’t want to do that or can’t, that’s fine. They don’t have to. Don’t judge me for it though, it was the best thing I did. Everyone was happy.

There’re no prizes or honours for being mentally and physically destroyed by motherhood.

I don’t think it is a reasonable (or in any way original) point, it’s been made about 50 times already on the thread and posters have repeatedly explained why it’s stupid.

And the comparison to a dog is a new level of stupid.

And FWIW, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting childcare and yes, some blokes should do more to support the mother, but if she struggled regardless of that with one then why would she put extra on herself?

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods why have another if you can't cope with the one you have?

I despised the baby stage. It’s so boring. I also had a nanny from the get go. I enjoyed the later stages when he had something to say for himself. Much more fun. Does that mean I should not be allowed a second?

CANCEL THE CHEQUE!!!!

Why is it stupid? A dog is hard work and so is a baby. Ok they have different needs but still you wouldn’t put extra stress on yourself if you find having one difficult. That’s the entire point. Whether it’s about a dog, a baby or a bloody chimp.

This👏👏👏

A second child isn’t guaranteed to “have something to say for themselves”
I don’t understand why you’d do something you despised again. It makes zero sense.
How would you cope with a non-verbal child if you only like them when they can speak.

OP, your husband could just as easily apply that same logic to marriage , relationships , or jobs; if you had one and it was challenging or did not work out as expected , why enter into another?

Your friend found a way to ease her situation. Maybe your husband is a bit jealous that your friends has the means and willingness to utilize that solution. However, as many have said, it is just one more opinion..

I think he is using it to tell her her place. Also to tell her not to get ideas.

If your friend can afford a live in nanny then that's great. Your husband sounds envious that you can't afford one. Babies are hard work, and having help doesn't mean you are handing them over to someone else, it only means making life easier at a difficult time.

Better than cancelling the contraception.

You can judge me for that if you like. I don’t care. To be honest I don’t really care if people judge me for having a nanny from the off.

And like I said, there are no prizes for being trashed by the slog of motherhood.